Fargo Cop shoots unarmed cow, town braces for bovine riots

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A resident of Cass County, ND, has warned the People's Cube of the rising tensions between the local community and the bovine population after a Cass County Sheriff's Deputy shot and killed an unarmed cow who allegedly attacked him and pushed the uniformed officer to the ground after he produced his credentials and read the Miranda rights.

Cow Dead After Attack on Cass County Sheriff's Deputy

While the details of the early morning incident in Interstate 94 west of Fargo still remain unclear, a PETA representative has flown from Washington, D.C., with a team of lawyers and forensic experts, demanding an independent autopsy.

The PETA team have met with leaders of the local bovine community, urging them to take urgent action and raise their voice against the signs of increasing police brutality in the seemingly sleepy rural area of North Dakota.

They also spoke to a few passing cows in the streets, interested in their opinions about the character of the slain member of their community and trying to reconstruct the tragic events - a procedure known in professional circles as "herd-sourcing."

PETA soon posted this hastily produced reenactment of the incident on its website, even though this version of events is not supported by forensic evidence and is disputed by the Sheriff's office and the family of the deputy, who is still being treated for alleged injuries that have never been life-threatening.

"We sure hope this place will not remain peaceful for much longer, as we are committed to bringing struggle for justice to these parts of America that for too long have avoided scrutiny," said the PETA spokesperson. "I mean, who shoots an unarmed cow at three in the morning? No justice, no peace!"

While some Cass County residents remain skeptical, others are battening down the hatches in preparation for bovine riots and looting and move to the opposite side of the street at the sight of an approaching cow, no longer trusting the animals with whom the community has lived side by side for so many generations.

Authorities are still trying to track down the surviving family members of the cow, though this hope is sadly fading fast.

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What an outrageous example of Police Mootality. I'd advise anyone in the area to steer clear of any Tractor Supply stores, fast food restaurants, open grassy fields, and cowbell dispensaries. Expect a sharp surge in black on white white on black monochromatic crime in the days to come.

By the way, is there any chance I can get a first cut examination on that autopsy?

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Hooves up!
(crowd response) Don't Shoot!

Hooves up!
Don't Shoot!

(lather, rinse, repeat...)

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Is OK to shoot cows. Cows cause global warminsk climate change and must all die for the glorious Cause.

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Perhaps the boys down in AgitProp could gin up discover evidence that the Chik-fil-A cows are in on the protest?

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The cows are protesting that deer, elk, and birds all get 'the pill' for free. This is discrimoonation that must end!

Birth Control for Animals

Free Birth Control for all!

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Comrade Olson, the same local resident, who alerted us to the original story, has sent this update with a picture of recent protest on Veterans Memorial Bridge between Fargo ND and Moorhead MN:

'It's about oppression': Area residents rally in support of Ferguson, Mo., protesters


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I do hope that the remainder of the herd is receiving counseling and group therapy for PTSD after being forced to witness the assassination of one of their innocent bovine comrades.

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Someone Tweeted us this glorious poster. A cow revolution is coming!

"I'm sure it will look something like this, and a song."


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The more I ponder this, the sadder it is. Look at the first image-- that cop is a Rethuglikkan White Hispanic if I ever saw one. Where is a box of cigars or even a pack of Skittles? A half white, half minority cow with no birth certificate gunned down in cold blood...and could a single witness cow read cursive? Coincidences? I don't think so.

Reichwing law enforcers in surplus military gear have now made obsolete the phrase "they can kill you but they can't eat you...". And what does the public show for support?

Not even a corned-beef hash-tag

Comrades with the cows aggression increasing daily I felt I should post some tips on how to survive:

“Avoid walking directly through a herd of cows if possible, but if you must walk through them, stay on the established hiker's path. Calmly wave hiking poles towards cows resting on a trail and speak in a normal voice to encourage them to move out of your way. Keep calm and act as if you are not a threat.”

“If you detect an aggressive cow or a threatening group of cows, keep moving calmly and do not make direct eye contact. Keep your body facing the cow; do not turn your back to the animal or run.”

“Finally, walk in remote areas with a partner so that you may help each other out. If you encounter cows with a partner or as a group of hikers, stay together to project a larger presence, and make sure that you move together in the same careful, calm way that you would move if you were to encounter cows on your own.” ... estock.pdf

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These cows were made for walking
And that's just what they'll do
These cows were made for walking, baby...
And one day they'll walk all over you
These cows will walk all over you

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I would like to report a person to the People's Mistreatment of Persons Commission.

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I denounce Margaret for fomenting civil unrest with threats of stampede....

Oh, when will Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton intercede?

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I'M RETURNING MY BURGER TO BURGER KING. This abuse of animal kind must stop!! (chomp chomp) .... that was a fry, I promise.

An udderly senseless act, Komrades; yet another example of man's relentless inbovine-ity to cow. This what happens when you treat another being as a significant source of animal protein -- you see them as nothing but a piece of meat

I am not to be having any kind of pressed cow meat from large Koch Bros-owned corporations including Wendy Queen, Donald McBurger & Creepy King Person Whose Face Is Frozen In Time. However, I am to be whipping up my Beet & Cheese Meatloaf for upcoming Revolution.

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Comrad Atheist-Reverend Al Sharpton rushes to the scene to defend the rights of farm animals.

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Fraulein Frankenfeinstein wrote:I'M RETURNING MY BURGER TO BURGER KING. This abuse of animal kind must stop!! (chomp chomp) .... that was a fry, I promise.
Why Comrade Fraulein, as I live and breathe! Your visage has been elsewhere for a long time. I can't say who has been collecting your rations in your absence, but the Commodore has gained a few pounds that don't look like they came from the galley of his flagship, and Betinov's jar has a lot of new fluid and a strange pile of empty bottles on his shelf. Just sayin'... Your judge-ship in these trying times is sorely needed. We have more names on the docket of new comrades and thought criminals than we have spare ammunition, so there is work to do! Nice to have you back.

Here in the Cold Blue State of Minnesota, where the state fair is currently in 'progress', the cows have never been more agitated!
Just look at how angry they are.
From deep in the Gulag,

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Red Square wrote:Someone Tweeted us this glorious poster. A cow revolution is coming!

"I'm sure it will look something like this, and a song."

You mean this one, Comrade Red Square?

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Ivan Betinov wrote:Perhaps the boys down in AgitProp could gin up discover evidence that the Chik-fil-A cows are in on the protest?

Apparently some hate crimes are overlooked.


Breaking News:
We interrupt this program for an important announcement from the Black/White House.

To the folks of Fargo. Even though the Fargo police acted stupidly, like a JV team. I want you to know. If I had a cow? It would look like Moochelle.