Comrades,

Craptek News Service has uncovered a sinister plot designed to cast doubt on Dear Leader's Ebola containment plan! In case you haven't heard, humanity stands teetering at the brink of a world catastrophe. We know this because The New York Times said so way back in August of this year.

So “what's the sinister plot” you ask. Isn't this just another crisis into which Dear Leader can pour his re-distributive efforts on behalf of humanity? Yes comrades, of course it is. But there are those who sense an ulterior motive lurking beneath the surface of this great humanitarian enterprise. Captain Craptek, your intrepid Real News Reporter, has uncovered a possible reason for their suspicion.

One of our long time operatives, a certain Dr. Thomas V. Inglesby, has appeared on C-SPAN, participating in a congressional seminar, and generally advocating for Dear Leader's Ebola containment initiative in Africa. Dr. Inglesby, the Chief Executive Officer and Director at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, Center for Health Security, is a well respected authority in the field of biosecurity. His center is funded by the university, the DOD, CDC, and DHS among others to the tune of $6 million annually.

So why shouldn't the highly qualified Dr. Inglesby argue openly for Dear Leader's full scale war on Ebola? Why shouldn't he press for even larger “investments” in Africa's frail and inadequate health care infrastructure? Hmmm?

Here's why; What if someone discovered that Dr. Inglesby may have a stake in the sale of privacy curtains, lab coats, scrubs, blankets, sheets, and related items needed to outfit the thousands of hospital beds and dozens of mobile clinics Dear Leader has promised to Africa? What if the source of all these items was a recently formed American company upon whose Board of Directors sits the good doctor? Of course this is idle speculation since nothing like this could ever happen on Dear Leader's watch. Right?

Nevertheless, the threat to Dear Leader's plan is real. Any mention of a possible conflict of interest could result in unnecessary delay of Dear Leader's African cash re-distribution plans. It is up to us, fellow comrades, to nip any rumors of this “conspiracy” in the bud. Report any mention of this story by unapproved media outlets to the Party at once. Good luck!

Don't worry Comrade Crapteck. Ebola would not dare go to the USSA. Dear Leader said so at the thirteenth hole.

And no one, I repeat, no one on the plane from Liberia with the man who turned up in Dallas with Ebola can possibly have been infected, because the man's temperature was taken before he got on the plane in Liberia, and he had no fever then. (Query: In which orifice did they place the thermometer? Or was it indeed a thermometer and not a coffee stirrer or a ... but I will speculate no further.)

RedDiaperette wrote:And no one, I repeat, no one on the plane from Liberia with the man who turned up in Dallas with Ebola can possibly have been infected, because the man's temperature was taken before he got on the plane in Liberia, and he had no fever then. (Query: In which orifice did they place the thermometer? Or was it indeed a thermometer and not a coffee stirrer or a ... but I will speculate no further.)

Indeed, Comrade RedD. Pouncing on unsubstantiated rumors often leads to overreaction by proles. Of course it's amusing to watch them scurrying about in search of answers, but the enjoyment is fleeting. We must instead place our faith in the highly trained Liberian TSA officials and their precision scientific instruments. (of course he could have developed a temperature while in transit,..but again, why worry)

The only hope for West Africa is for President Obola to put all of its citizens on airliners and fly them to Texas.