Comrades!

In the joyful unity of collectivist struggle for the mandatory re-distribution of other people's money, comrade Laika and I have taken on a new cause to liberate the hapless masses of Nitwitia! Yes, woe is upon those who dwell in Nitwitia, for they are constantly under the thumb of the oppressive tyrant, King Mulva The Stingy!

Our dearest comrade Laika wrote: Let the tanks of the People's Cube roll! (or "troll" <wink><nudge, nudge>)
Free Nitwitia!

I'm calling on all members of the Cube to begin posting on Mulva's blogspeck!
To paraphrase his quote about Mr. Cancer, the Pride Swallower:

If there is anyone out there who knows who this guy is, perhaps there is something we can do collectively to help him. Hell, maybe we can even save his life. What better gift can anyone give for the Holiday Season?

And what better gift could we here at the Cube give to Mulva than a few measley posts? After all, how many troll posts did he give us? (16 to be exact) And just look at his poor blogspeck! Very lonely comrades, very lonely. I think he's had a total of 16 posts in his two years of blogging.

I've posted twice, so we need at least 14 more posts on Nitwit Planet for a fair and equal re-distribution of posts!

We're calling forth all able-bodied comrades to visit Nitwitia and help in the re-education of a King who is sooo stingy, he would not even bother to give a cancer victim a few dollars or even a delicious $tarbucks latte! This King preached of socialism yet doesn't even bother to sell his car, musical instruments, Christmas gifts and other means of monetary value to help ALL OF THOSE who are in need! No, he instead offers hugs and begs the masses to foot his bill. But I say no! No comrades! We must all collectively pitch in by taking away from everyone for The Common Good™, that means you too Mulva! That new guitar? Gone! Those neat Playstation 3 games with the awesome graphics of blood and gore? Gone! That new Hybrid car you've been eying? Gone! It must all be taken to help those (whether scamming or not) in their effort of achieving happiness and The Common Good™!

Go forth comrades, speak truth to power in Nitwitia and take the cheap graphic at the top and post it on your bumpers, bicycles, faces, blogs, bogs, appliances and life-partners! We must bring this issue to the masses, we must! END THE HYPOCRISY, NOW!

I just did my share

Yes, so did I comrade, so did I. We do it for Nitwitia!

OK, I wake up from my long winter's nap and I see this progressive call to arms, so I went to the frontline barricades on Nitwitia only to find "Blogger Problem" on Nitwitia's comment section. Comrades Square & Chairman! Is it possible that making more than three posts in one day would cause his blogspeck to crash?
Maybe there are more sinister plans afoot by the wiley Czar Mulva?
What were your posts? Did they contain Polonium 210?
I wanted to tell him we found out who the cancer man was, none other than Flat Gareth, who developed what he thought was testicular cancer, but it just turned out to be the clap from banging too much hippie pussy.
No sooner did Flat get the good news that he didn't have testicular cancer, then he gets a double whammy...he does have cancer of the work ethic lobe in his brain and he knocked up Cindy Sheehan at the last protest...and that worked out OK....Cindy has decided to donate the embryo for stem cell research and Canadian doctors have stated that if Flat can make it to Canada, they'll remove the lobe for free, because everything is free in Canada....except Flat still has to come up with the $8K to pay his health insurance tax there before they'll operate.
So Flat still needs the cash, just donate it in Canadian dollars.

I did my part as well. Except I don't know what the hell happened, maybe I spazed on the click, but it posted twice. Thats ok though, the words of The Ministry of Truth are that important!!!

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

My Cyber-Spetznatz operative reports "mission accomplished".

How can "free" health care cost eight thousand dollars? And that's just to get in? Then you have to pay more after that? Since when does "free" equal thousands of dollars? What a gyp. I want free! Give me free!

Maggie May in her womanly way stated

How can "free" health care cost eight thousand dollars? And that's just to get in? Then you have to pay more after that? Since when does "free" equal thousands of dollars? What a gyp. I want free! Give me free!

It's not as complicated as it may seem, like Dr. Palimpsest's beer formula, as a matter of fact, it's the basic math principle of Marxism.

TT + T = F (total taxation + totalitarianism = freedom)

I hope that clears things up!

Keep up the good work comrades! Only 6 more posts on Nitwitia and a fair and equal re-distribution of posts will be achieved! ("Collectively" speaking of course)

I've done my part comrades. Drugs and Hugs, no wait ......Hugs not Drugs...no, that can't be right. Just say No...no wait, Nancy Reagan said that, OW GAWD! SHE SAID BOTH! ...shit, it's those "flashbacks" I've been warned about.....anyway:

'Bridge Rat


'Bridge rat down
way down
down, down by the mall of the Woodbridge,
Clean and cancerous
asked me for a dime--
dime for a cup of coffee
I got no dime but
I got time to hear his story:

My name is Flat Gar-eth
and I love my Pearly Baker best
more than my wine
...more than My wine
more than my maker
though he's no friend of mine


Everyone said
I'd come to no good
I knew I would
Pearly believed them


Half of my life
I spent doin' time for
some other fucker's crime
Other half found me stumbling around
drunk on burgundy wine


But I'll get back
on my feet someday
The good Lord willing
if He says I may
'cause I know the life I'm
livin's no good
I'll get a new start
live the life I should


I'll get up and fly away
I'll get up and
fly away...
...fly away


Pearly's been true
true to me, true to my dying day he said
I said to him:
I'm sure she's been
I said to him:
I'm sure she's been true to you


I got up and wandered
Wandered downtown
nowhere to go
just to hang around
I got a girl
named Bonny Lee
I know that girl's been true to me
I know she's been
I'm sure she's been
true to me

I know she's been
I'm sure she's been
true to me

But how sure can you really be?

Oops! Should have had my response properly censored by the Party before submitting it, or at least reviewed the glorious comments here first. My apologies, Komrades, but that whole free healthcare thing costing $8000 (I assume that's greenbacks and not loonies) kind of got me going.

Laika the Space Dog wrote:OK, I wake up from my long winter's nap and I see this progressive call to arms, so I went to the frontline barricades on Nitwitia only to find "Blogger Problem" on Nitwitia's comment section. Comrades Square & Chairman! Is it possible that making more than three posts in one day would cause his blogspeck to crash?
Maybe there are more sinister plans afoot by the wiley Czar Mulva?
What were your posts? Did they contain Polonium 210?
I wanted to tell him we found out who the cancer man was, none other than Flat Gareth, who developed what he thought was testicular cancer, but it just turned out to be the clap from banging too much hippie pussy.
No sooner did Flat get the good news that he didn't have testicular cancer, then he gets a double whammy...he does have cancer of the work ethic lobe in his brain and he knocked up Cindy Sheehan at the last protest...and that worked out OK....Cindy has decided to donate the embryo for stem cell research and Canadian doctors have stated that if Flat can make it to Canada, they'll remove the lobe for free, because everything is free in Canada....except Flat still has to come up with the $8K to pay his health insurance tax there before they'll operate.
So Flat still needs the cash, just donate it in Canadian dollars.

Hmm, I would donate some money, but uhhh... I need a latte! Yes, thats it, I need a latte! Oh, and some Panera bread too! Sorry comrade Gareth, I don't have a square to spare!

Laika the Space Dog wrote:TT + T = F (total taxation + totalitarianism = freedom)

Exactly. Only you guys say it better than I can. The Health Care is there, now it's just a problem of distribution - getting it to the people. We want it free and we want it now!

(Jerry, your lyrics make me cry.)

Uggh, this social cause is missing something. Hmm? Hey Jerry, got any of that Pungent Pelosi stash on ya?

As directed! I serve the Revolution!

Another stunning blow by the Forces of Progress!

Maybe you all have been a little hard on Mulva. After it all, it's not the actions that count, but your position on the issue.
I tried to comfort him:

Pay no attention to these harsh criticisms Alva. You must forgive them because they have no idea how hard it is being a limosine liberal. I have these same feelings too when I pass by these wretched refuse in D.C. while on my way to the Senate for a vote or whatnot. Sometimes I'm tempted to get on the intercom and ask the driver to stop so I can get out and give them a hug...but then I think, no, I can help them better by raising more campaign cash so I can win in 2008. Then ME and the Democrat controlled Congress can tax the shit out of all Americans, especially those living in Woodbridge and re-distribute it to the homeless and have FREE healthcare for all, just like Canada. So, I know the temptation to give cash to these poor individuals holding signs, standing by road intersections (and I'm glad you didn't Alva) but don't do it. Instead, send the soft greenbacks to me and you won't have these poor creatures hurting your guilt lobe in 2009.

Canadian health care is great. 8,000 Canadian dollars is about $100 in real money, which is enough to go to Detroit to save your life.

And I just sent a message of hope and understanding to comrade Nitwitia.

Total Taxation and Totalitarianiasm is freedom, for the champagne soclalists who will run things. Whenever someone says, "Give it up!" you may be sure that someone is taking the donations. But he feels <i>good</i> about feeling <i>bad</i> and when you feel <i>bad</i> he feels <i>good</i>. Get it? In some places you pay extra for that but it comes with whips, chains and Crisco.

All hail to the glorious People's Party.

::UPDATE::

Good work comrades! King Mulva is caving under the pressure of the people and the Party. After only a handful of comments, King Mulva had no choice but to restore tinfoil hat broadcasting to the Nitwitians (which is hilarious). I suggest all Party faithful (who can stomach it) to listen to the erotic drug induced ramblings of the progressive Rush Limbaugh the left has dug up for our enjoyment! If valium can't put you to sleep, this windbag will! Mike Malloy: He's Baaaa...Zzzz...Zzzz..Zzzz..uhh, five more minutes... Zzzz...Zzz

Visit Nitwitia and behold the progress we've made! (Mulva is speechless).

(Mulva is speechless).

Not really, he's probably bragging to all his Hippie/Goth/Metal friends in the attic of his parent's mini-mansion ...where he still lives at age 28...about how his internet traffic is up 1000% and he's getting posts everyday now.

"Wow Alva, you're right, you got 13 posts on your last article...click on the posts so we can read them..."
"No...I'm tired of playing on the internet, I've got the munchies..let's go to the Woodbridge Mall and score some Panera, man......Gimme the Lysol spray dude.....<pssssssssssst psssssssst>.....You know how my Dad gets pissed when he smells the Pungent Pelosi, I don't want him to take the keys to the Lexus away from me again."
"Yeah Alva, your old man is a prick."
"I know, he keeps tellin me 'when are you going to get a job and move out?'..it's so fuckin' mean....like I've told him a thousand times, either after I get my doctorate in Cultural Sociology or I become a big rock star...he even voted for that Macaca dude Allen in the election. I told him 'up yours, old man, Webb won, tell that to your racist friends at the country club'...he was so pissed...."

Yeah, I think he is too, comrade Laika. I just hope it didn't go to his head. I really don't want him declaring victory like comrade Casual Crunch (PBUH) did when we grilled him for saying impeachment is solely a political process. <sigh> I miss comrade Crunch, its a shame he fell victim to Pelosivich. I warned him though, I really did! I told him not to venture around D.C with large wads of soft-money on his person! <crying> I couldn't stop them! I tried, but they were too strong! WHY DARWIN!? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE COMRADE CRUNCH!? WHY!!

Oh Jeeze!
Check out his "I must escalate, I must escalate".
The boner is whining about Earthlink's customer service for DSL (apparently it's in India) Our xenophobic liberal moans because he can't afford Comcast High Speed.
Maybe if he switched from Panera to Wonderbread or rented one of his rooms in his parent's mini-mansion for a guarenteed Section 8 check he wouldn't have that problem?
Damn that Comcast! We need price regulations! Mulva can't have Comcast without it!
Maybe Mulva will get lucky this Christmas and Mommy & Daddy will bump him up to cable high speed.

WE NEED MORE TROLL-34 TANKS AND SHOVELS!! WE WILL CONQUER AND REBUILD NITWITIA!!

Comrades, you miss the point. It is the whining that matters, not the reason for it. It's all about King Mulva. Once Comrade Theocritus was involved with someone like King Mulva, and The Green One thought that when his eyes closed, the world ceased to exist. The Glorious People's Revolution winked out of existence; the stars not only went to bed, but simply didn't exist. Light froze in its place, and space and time were in suspension until the Green One opened his eyes.

To continue to whine and moan when reality offended his little sensibilities. Comrade Theocritus remembered a line from Ayn Rand, "Don't cast your pearls before swine without getting even a pork chop in return" and decided to lets pigs root in the mud, alone.

Let us therefore rejoice in the misery of King Mulva's mind. He is angry because the computer doesn't work the way he wants it to. If he weighs too much, he will be angry with gravity. And if Comrade Theocritus is lucky, King Mulva will be angry at Comrade Theocritus, who has made it his mission in life to stick a thumb in the eye of every sniveling, whining leftist with the order, "Get over yourself. What do you have to complain about, you rich, white champaigne socialist breeder?"

King Mulva <i>feels</i> for people so he can look down on them. I feel like I need to take a shit because the King Mulva which Comrade Theocritus will produce is small enough to flush.

All hail the revolution.

Laika the Space Dog wrote: Maybe Mulva will get lucky this Christmas and Mommy & Daddy will bump him up to cable high speed.

...and get him a plastic twat like casualcrunch got...

Bvt. Field Marshal Pravda wrote:

Laika the Space Dog wrote: Maybe Mulva will get lucky this Christmas and Mommy & Daddy will bump him up to cable high speed.

...and get him a plastic twat like casualcrunch got...

Comrade, he may <i>be</i> a plastic twat. Would you impose homosexuality on him? Or should he eat it, cannabalism?

He is also any number of latex appliances, bought in stores on the seedier side of town. But the little tiny ones--a pocket rocket for a pocket pussy. Oh. That's onanism. Could he fuck himself?

But come to think of it, he may be instead a large, badly made although quite expensive blow-up doll, one which whines and moans and is powered by two AAA batteries, which keep going and going and going...

Field Marshal!

Nice T-34's! Great combat photo! Are the Katyushas in place on the River Dumb for the final Soviet offensive into the Capital of Nitwitia, Mulvasteinfurtburglin?
I can't wait to hear the Stalin Organs sing their sweet song of true collectivism.
It won't be long before the Glorious Red Banner flies above the Nitwitstag.

Comrades, comrades. Theocritus has reflected and decided on a different approach. King Mulva is one of Lenin's useful idiots. And he may be receiving messages from the dear departed embalmed (until recently) Supreme Leader on his bridgework as his eyes roll in different directions and his fingers slip off the keyboard, wet with drool.

Laika the Space Dog wrote:Field Marshal!

Nice T-34's! Great combat photo! Are the Katyushas in place on the River Dumb for the final Soviet offensive into the Capital of Nitwitia, Mulvasteinfurtburglin?
I can't wait to hear the Stalin Organs sing their sweet song of true collectivism.
It won't be long before the Glorious Red Banner flies above the Nitwitstag.

everything is in place and the Sturmoviks are preparing to soften up the hard targets...we move in after the Katyushas rain their bloody freedom onto Nitwitia.

Today Nitwitia, tommorow, THE WORLD WIDE WEB! For progress! BWAHAHAH! Let the peoples tanks of revolutionary justice troll over the faces of the reactionary necrophobic gay bashers! King Mulva will answer for his crimes before the World Court of Peoples Justice, mark my words with a pink highlighter!

Bomb King Mulva with lavender paint! Let Richard Simmons rain down on him! Send in Rosie O'Donnell! Have Ellen Degeneris bore him to death! After he is subdued into cowering, pants-wetting submission, put him in a room with Hillary, a five-week stubble on her legs, and on the rag! Shoot whichever one comes out! Freedom for all!

But first serenade him with Barbra Streisand albums.

No, no, Theocritus. That's too cruel. Gotta take my meds...

I'm confused, there are some shades of color I am not familiar with.
Pink = Off Red
lavender = unred
Is this correct?

Release the runaway bouncy Lada firetires of Revolutionary Progress on the group of them while on the Ellen set! Televise to the world our swift justice in the glorious liberation of Nitwitia!


Urrah!

Forgive me comrade Engineerski, our friends at the place where they make highlighters have yet to send me a red one. So, in the interim, pink shall be the color of my choosing. It symbolizes everything we advocate: choice, womyn, necro-homo-appliance sexuality and a whole host of other lifestyle choices that have yet to be imagined for progre$$.

LET THEM EAT THEIR OATMEAL! AFTER THEY HAVE SEX WITH IT! EQUAL RIGHTS, NOW!

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Forgive me comrade Engineerski, our friends at the place where they make highlighters have yet to send me a red one. So, in the interim, pink shall be the color of my choosing. It symbolizes everything we advocate: choice, womyn, necro-homo-appliance sexuality and a whole host of other lifestyle choices that have yet to be imagined for progre$$.

LET THEM EAT THEIR OATMEAL! AFTER THEY HAVE SEX WITH IT! EQUAL RIGHTS, NOW!

eeewww....I mean ewe!!!

You know you do it Pravda, you love to do it. You ARE a progressive!

(Head on over to the Gulagotroll forum, some pretty interesting developments on comrade Crunch! He lives...)

Update:

The first 20,000 Sturmovik sorties have returned and the Katyushas have been exhausted...the Troll-34's they are a-rollin' into Mulvasteinfurtburglin followed by the People's Shovel Brigade. We shall leave no stone unturned and we shall not leave until we are victorious!

OOORAH!

Yes, let Nitwitia burn to the ground! BURN TO THE GROUND I SAY! Its all for them, all for them. We must save their progressive secular humanist Inner-Comrades by completely obliterating their homeland! Roll on Troll-34's, roll on! Leave nothing standing! Scorched Earth all the way -- its what Uncle Joe would've wanted.

Victory is ours Comrades!
Our Red Banner of Revolution flies over the Nitwitstag!
It has been rumoured Der Muhlver put a bullet in his head in the Woodbridge mini-mansion bunker. The citizens have been reduced to eating Panera but now they are FREE and have bread. Cancer man has been cured and everybody lived happily ever after under the Iron Fist of Strong Communism!

We must remain vigilant though!
A new threat is developing....Comrade Otis has discovered the real indentity of CausalCrunch.
Field Marshal, reposition the T-34s and refuel the Sturmoviks. The DailyKos has even volunteered to shoot anybody who retreats! (how very nice) We shall show Swanson what frozen dinners are really like.....in Siberia!
Off to Impeachmentaland!

Yes, now we must invade the nieghbors of Nitiwitia, onward ho's to Impeachmentaland! May our brave boys/girls/both/appliances march steadily over Crunch's heavily fortified cess pool as they search the baren landscape for any signs of hope. We will not stop comrades, we will not stop until everyone in the World Wide Web speaks with the same talking points as we do! LIBERATE THE INTERNET! FREE ALL CUBIAN PRISONERS! WE ASK FOR THE RETURN OF OUR COMRADES! BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Should I pack the light or heavy ATROcity kits? How many rubber stamps will I need? 500? 1,000?

<blockquote>
Forgive me comrade Engineerski, our friends at the place where they make highlighters have yet to send me a red one. So, in the interim, pink shall be the color of my choosing. It symbolizes everything we advocate: choice, <b>womyn, necro-homo-appliance sexuality</b> and a whole host of other lifestyle choices that have yet to be imagined for progre$$.
</blockquote>
That would be Vince Foster fucking Hillary with an egg beater, wouldn't it? A friend, who incidentally wrote the $tarr Report (and I'm not kidding) told me that he did indeed kill himself and was not offed, as I thought. I always thought it was buyer's remorse. You know they did go off to retreats alone in the Ozarks.

That would be Vince Foster fucking Hillary with an egg beater

Eeewww... I don't even want to know how that would work....

Premier Betty wrote:

That would be Vince Foster fucking Hillary with an egg beater

Eeewww... I don't even want to know how that would work....

That can't be good...

And if the egg-beater was dirty that's how they got Chelsea.

Sophomoric humor a speciality, no job too big or too small, first come, first abused.

Come to think of it, abuse is just what Vince Foster did to that egg-beater, isn't it? Stop reading here, Betty. I wonder if there is a tool for straighting the blades.

I just made Howard Stern sick.

Was this an electric egg-beater or a hand powered egg-beater?

Three-phase with two 500 HP diesel--diesel for diesel dyke, listen and learn, boys; that's what we call 'em--generators mounted on tectonically insulated platforms. When it's not being used to pleasure Hillary the Great, it's used to power a Carnival cruise ship which breaks Caribbean speed records and is single-handedly responsible for half of the ships sunk in the Bermuda Triangle, which is after all, a small thing compared to its day job.

Laika, Friend of People, said:

Field Marshal, reposition the T-34s and refuel the Sturmoviks. The DailyKos has even volunteered to shoot anybody who retreats! (how very nice) We shall show Swanson what frozen dinners are really like.....in Siberia!
Off to Impeachmentaland!

Word is given! we will double-hook the enemy, cut off his supplies from the rear (hmmm let me rethink that), and deal the enemy a defeat not seen since The Great Patriotic War!

The mentally deranged truth speaker of progress, comrade theocritus wrote:Three-phase with two 500 HP diesel--diesel for diesel dyke, listen and learn, boys; that's what we call 'em--generators mounted on tectonically insulated platforms. When it's not being used to pleasure Hillary the Great, it's used to power a Carnival cruise ship which breaks Caribbean speed records and is single-handedly responsible for half of the ships sunk in the Bermuda Triangle, which is after all, a small thing compared to its day job.

Oh OK, well as long as its not an appliance. You have to understand that sex with an appliance has to be consensual or else it is a hate crime. Don't confuse that with oatmeal which doesn't need consent, you may do as you please with a bowl of oatmeal as long as its eaten afterwards. This is the law comrade Theocritus, and to break it warrants dire consequences from the ACLU. Speaking of which, how many ACLU P-69 Bombers did it take to destroy Mulva's palace, Marshal Pravda? Usually the Party finds it more necessary to just catapult ACLU lawyers over enemy walls, this of course is a germ-warfare technique used by ancient progressives.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko, let his humble comrade suggest to the Glorious Chairman that he too would be deranged if he were nightly visited by visions of Slick Willie in his bed, playing with his famous crooked, left-leaning tool. I have daily nightmares of Hillary in my bed, bleeding and stinking and rubbing her legs all over me, wanting me to stroke her dimpled ass, and I wake up screaming, my little soldier having made a hasty retreat.

For that is my nightmare, and yours for you would be the one with Slick Willie.

And anyway, all Hillary would have to do not to have sex with the three-phase egg beater is say, pounding a lectern with her pudgy fist, "I...did ...not...have ...sex...with...that... appliance..... that...egg ...beater..."

Then it wouldn't be sex, you see, and the Repulipussies wouldn't impeach her.

Comrade Theocritus can go on all night like this folks; you wouldn't <i>believe</i> some of the things in my past and relatively speaking I've been a good boy. If you want some really good stories, master your shock and ask me. Once you recover use of your jaw, you'll have an entirely new take on the world.

Comrade Theocritus, Her Excellency may have sex with whatever she wants. Vince Foster (or necro-Foster) may not. Its that simple, Her Excellency yes, anyone else, NO. That is of course if you carry 1.) the proper credentials 2.) enough $oft ca$h to pay me off 3.) a freezer with 90K 4.) a friend in a higher position. Those are the magic four reasons that can allow you to maliciously take advantage of an appliance.

No, my nightmare is Janet Reno or Ruth B. Ginsberg.

Janet Reno is a nightmare; I saw that troll interviewed and she's utterly clueless. She really is that block-headed, to think that she could assault the Branch Davidians without casualties. I know a woman whose brother was the Texas Highway Patrol's Waco commander who laughed at the claim that they were barricaded. He saw Koresh daily and he was affable.

Ruth Buzzy Ginsberg has teeth like Tige, Buster Brown's dog in the shoes when you were little. When I was little; you're probably younger. I'm 51. The sort of teeth that would chase off a shark. A three-train-car load of Polident, and when she become dentured, they'll have to set up an entire school of dental prosthetology just for her, working in shifts.

Do you suppose the Honorable Jefferson, newly elected and thus affirming my low opinion of his district making me think that Katrina was perhaps right, could have gotten away with the money by saying that he did not have sex with that green honky money?

But recall that Nancy Peloski shouted--does she do anything else?--that There Ought to Be an Investigation. But she's shut up now that she's moving Hastert's furniture out and figuring out a way to soak the taxpayers for a few cool million to remodel her office in Martha Stewart colors with Aromatherapy and 24-hour Pilates. She needs an arc welder to make sure her hair doesn't fly off.

But really, we are probably off the point, Honorable Chairman. Her Excellency doesn't have real sex except when she's fornicating in a bed of other people's money brought to her by other people's children who have been lobotomized by the NEA.

Submit! Submit! Feel guilty! Submit!

And, having vented a goodly deal of spleen, Comrade Theocritus retires to eat children baked in his oven and then to finish off a really disobliging post on another blog. Not nearly as graphic of course, but guaranteed to pop the veins of "high-minded" people who think that the process of gabbling with people who want to kill you is progress when I know the solution is to nuke 'em before they can. Getting our boys out first, of course.

Comrades,

I petition my fellow colleagues of the People's elitist Politburo to bestow the title of Commissar on our dearest friend, comrade Theocritus. I have looked into the Inner-Comrade of this man/womyn/it and have found a monster worthy of bearing the title of Commissar before his/her/its name. Comrade Theocritus, if the Politburo confirms your nomination, I can guarantee you will have two spoonfuls of mud, a basket full of grass and working electricity in your ditch for one full hour. I can only hope the Politburo will find the same potential as I do, and I'm not just saying that because you made a hefty campaign contribution either. No, I'm saying that because I know you will make many more campaign contributions that will help me buy those nice silk drapes I saw in Saks the other day – yes, the purple ones that are supposedly made of “conflict silk”. Ahh, silk; nothing makes me happier than rolling around in other people's money while draped to the nines in conflict silk. It is after all why I became a Democrat in the first place -- that and of course a womyn's right to CHOOSE; oh, and the money...always the money

FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE OPPRESSIVE USE OF PROPER GRAMMAR! LENIN KNOWS I HAVE!

I petition my fellow colleagues of the People's elitist Politburo to bestow the title of Commissar on our dearest friend, comrade Theocritus.

Permission Granted, she has shown herself worthy of our dearest ideals here at the Cube. She may call herself Commissar or KGB Colonel Theocritus, whichever she chooses.

Commissar Theocritus humbly accepts the honor bestowed upon his unworthy self, knowing that he can not ever live up to the ideals of rapine, pillage and the mass murder of 100,000,000 people in the name of freedom.

But Commissar Theocritus has to it perfectly queer that Commissar Theocritus is in fact not biologically a she, nor has ever been nor wants to be one. Commissar Theocritus is in brutal point of fact a queer, with a full complement of that species' nastiness, abuse, twisted worldview, but instead of turned to unimportant things like the Miss America pageant, he chooses to relieve himself of his darts, bile, spleen, venom, choler, and generally liverish disposition against the Enemies of the People.

Commissar Theocritus realizes that honesty may be the one disqualifying attribute for a Commissar; can you imagine the truth coming out of Bill Clinton's mouth? Or Bill coming out of Hillary's? Sorry, that one slipped out, which is entirely possible to believe if you have read Genniffer Flowers' <i>Penthouse</i> interview, in which the punch for the Commander in Crumpet said, "Hillary has fat ankles and Bill has a small penis, and the'll have to live with each other's imperfections."

This was of course bad reasoning, because it did not take into account the law passed in Arkansas under Slick Willie's Great Zipper Leadership granting full citizenship to Three-phase egg beaters, who could then join the blood lines of the greatest of the Clinton families, along with taxable livestock.

Comrade Theocritus hopes that the esteemed Politburo will still accept him after this revelation.

Comrade Theocritus hopes that the esteemed Politburo will still accept him after this revelation.

No problem at all....and we know all about that tart, Adam Smith.

Commissar Theocritus humbly accepts his promotion and promises to bring to bear all his big guns: years of plundering the dicitonary, remembering jabs, taking pot shots and in general putting his thumb in the eye of the braying jackasses and fools who caper across the public stage, one shoulder bared, telling us of their virtue, enticing us with their utopian dreams, and all to be had for the simple price of entrusting our most precious commodities, our freedom, our lives and our purses to people who should not be trusted with a used rubber. Even Bill Clinton's used rubber, which is either a bookkeeper's rubber thumb or Hillary, and you may decide owing to your level of comfort with either image.

To the barricades! Break down the doors of Needless Markup! Burn down Sackoshit! Let me at the jewels.

Oh. I'll to pry the ones I want off of Helen Thomas's elegantly pedicured trotters. Ought to make good napkin rings for the next breakfast buffet that Commissar Theocritus throws on May Day, where we drink the blood of capitalist pigs, or those capitalist pigs whose wives and children we covet, or asses, or who have houses rather better than ours that we could see ourselves making better use of.

Now it is time for Commissar Theocritus to drive his Capitalist Pig Wagon, stolen from an Acura dealer, but made in AmeriKKKa, to work where he will put his foot on the necks of the lumpenproletariat, and after a day in the closet, but closeted only as to his Revolutionary tendencies, conveying land title to unsuspecting fools who do not know that the streets will run with their blood come the Glorious Revolution, Commissar Theocritus will return to the Red Cave to resume another evening in his true identity: Avenger of the People, who does well by doing good.

Commissar Theocritus, I have no idea what you just said. However, I'm loving every minute of it!

Commissar Theocritus!

By the authority vested in us by The People's™ collective sub-consciousness, we grant you the title of Commissar, the rank of Colonel, and upgrade your ration card to two sacks of beets and potatoes per week. Vodka ration card pending successful completion of probation period, along with the HRC medal.


You are now required to log into your account and change "theocritus" to "Commissar Theocritus." Capitalization is mandatory.

We trust you keep your shovel oiled and in good repair, proudly dispayed on the wall next to your hammer and sickle.

-- Comrade Red Square

Fellow comrades, so close to my palpitating red heart, if I had one. But it bourgeois sentimentality to have a heart. It interferes with brisk business of taking things from people.

And I propose to take everything from people that I can, even if I don't need it. Especially if I don't need it because it'll piss them off more.

I'll steal pencils from blind men--and give them to Exalted People's Leaders. I'll take candy from autistic babies--and give it to Michael Moore who needs another 300 pounds. I'll kick cripples--and sue Capitalist Pigs.

I have found a home. Thank you, Dear Comrades.

I have found a home. Thank you, Dear Comrades.

Can we call you "Critter" for short....because...well..."Theocritus" just sounds Greek?

If you wish. Theocritus is Greek--a Greek poet I read in college. (I didn't <i>do</i> the Greek in college; that came later.) It translates to God Judge. I love words. For example, "Gore" means "bag of shit out of Satan's Ass." "Kerry" is Indian and means "man who leaves first rich wife and children to marry second wife who is richer but loud, vulgar and ugly but who cares?" "Hillary" means "holster for egg-beater." "Bill" means "little tiny dick."

"Richard Simmons" means "mouthy faggot who makes me want women."

Owmygawd!
It's Paul Lynde re-incarnated!

If you wish. Theocritus is Greek--a Greek poet I read in college. (I didn't do the Greek in college; that came later.) It translates to God Judge. I love words. For example, "Gore" means "bag of shit out of Satan's Ass." "Kerry" is Indian and means "man who leaves first rich wife and children to marry second wife who is richer but loud, vulgar and ugly but who cares?" "Hillary" means "holster for egg-beater." "Bill" means "little tiny dick."

"Richard Simmons" means "mouthy faggot who makes me want women."

Dearest comrade Laika, the Cube needs an Uncle Arthur. I have hope that Commissar Theocritus will serve as a valuable tool in our mission to enslave the moonbats of the net under the glorious banner of progress, hard communism and the prophetic wisdom that is The People's Cube. If it's Lenin's will, it will be done.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Was this an electric egg-beater or a hand powered egg-beater?

Matters not! An appliance is an appliance!!

Meow mused:

Speaking of which, how many ACLU P-69 Bombers did it take to destroy Mulva's palace, Marshal Pravda? Usually the Party finds it more necessary to just catapult ACLU lawyers over enemy walls, this of course is a germ-warfare technique used by ancient progressives.

Not nearly enough...pity, eh?

Ah, comrades, but it does matter. If it is a hand-powered egg-beater and it is powered by teams of differently abled (read crippled) pre-operative womyn (read drag queens who've not had their dicks and balls cut off yet) working all night in winter (read affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder), from developing countries (read back-wood pisspot banana republics led by the most blood-thirsty strongman still standing), then it qualifies for four points on the Mikulski-Schroeder-Gore scale of Diversity.

If it is electric and the electricity was generated by a renewal resource, such as a wind turbine in front of Bill Clinton's mouth or a steam turbine generator powered by methane out of Al Gore's green ass, then it qualifies for Green Status.

If it's plugged into the wall, it's Exxon's fault and everyone who touches the plug, even to take it out, has to attend sensitivity seminars on the plight of birds which run into windmills.

Which doesn't apply if the windmill is in front of Bill Clinton's mouth because the only matter coming of that is Monica's pubes.

So it does matter.

Reducation camps for Bvt. Field Marshall Pravda!

Bvt. Field Marshal Pravda wrote:Meow mused:

Speaking of which, how many ACLU P-69 Bombers did it take to destroy Mulva's palace, Marshal Pravda? Usually the Party finds it more necessary to just catapult ACLU lawyers over enemy walls, this of course is a germ-warfare technique used by ancient progressives.

Not nearly enough...pity, eh?

That is a pity...for the planes of course! Who cares about the lawyers we have to catapult, their dime a dozen anyways. Actually, when we invaded Nitiwitia, you would know being a Marshal and all, I heard that we actually had to gag the lawyers and suit them in rubber pants to prevent their urine from rusting up the gears before the "launching" sequence. Tis a shame really, they used to be so cooperative, you know, they would sit quietly after we conned them into believing they're in a communist new-man "flying experiment". Ahh yes, no wet pants and no screaming then, but now it seems they all know we're going to launch them hundreds of feet in the air only to plunge to their doom for the Common Good™. Even worse, while flying through the air, it seems the lawyer's urine trickles down on our troops down below giving a rather unpleasant smell to our boys in red. Ughh, so hard to find good useful idiots these days, so hard indeed.

I agree Commissar Theocritus, we must name re-education camps after Bvt. Feild Marshal Pravda. Then and only then will the hapless masses leave appliances alone to live in peaceful mutual existence with us -- with full equal rights mind you.

Ah, noble Comrades. The ACLU has only the best B-2 bombers. They complain about the military/industrial complex but only after they have what they want. Gratitude is so unbecoming in a Harvard Law grad. In fact, when you graduate, they give you a certificate to a plastic surgeon to implant a permanent sneer at lowly beings who pay taxes.

The way to kill vampire bats is to get a decoagulant on their feet--and they shit themselves to death. The way to kill lawyers is to give them a diuretic. Same result.

That's why there are so many of them.

But the newly canonized Commissar Colonel Theocritus makes a decree that box freezers are exempt from abuse owing to their appliancehood: they're too useful for stuffing useful idiots in.

We could give the lawyers to the enemy though, telling them that they were going to be double agents. It would please their sense of self-importance, like a pussy dog with a new bow squirming in mommy's lap, bugging its eyes at the cat. Let them engage in endless haranges, setting protocols, getting their panties in a wad--wet panties, because I'm sure Chairman Punchenko knows about their pee--and in general spending all their time being self important, like pack dogs sniffing the hind quarters of the local bitch in heat.

Commissar Theocritus, I do recall myself chastising you for using the ethnic slur "box" once before. Please, refrain from using such an oppressive and degrading word that only hurts the self-esteem of our kindred appliance friends.

-- Chairman Punchenko

Ahh yes, their pee. I do indeed know about it. Before the end of the Cold-War, our top scientist in Beijing were perfecting a weapon that used ACLU/Guild lawyer urine as a sort of biological agent. To our dismay, the test subjects who we used it against were clever toddlers who managed to evade all fatal symptoms, we concluded this was partly due to their large consumption of Elmers glue and other tasty treats found in a Kindergarten class room. We tried many other test subjects but still to no avail the only result that was achieved was smelly groups of people that were wet in the pungent stench of urine and vodka. I can only hope that one day we will find a use for the urine instead of watching it go to waste on our catapults and human firing cannons.

The ancient Romans had a class of workers, called fullers, who would at night empty the corner piss-pots filled up during the days, and use the ammonia in them to bleach clothes.

Commissar Theocritus proposes that this is the explanation for Nancy Peloski's hair.

And Commissar Theocritus promises never to use the word b*x except when referring to Helen Thomas or the receptable for the nuclear-powered egg-beater.

(By the way, there will be no more demonstrations against nuclear energy now that the receptacle for the egg-beater needs a truly reliable power source. But under the terms of the 1991 ADA, it is unlawful to prohibit people from taking jobs owing to mental disabilities. Which means that retards may not be denied the job of running a nuclear plant. But this was only an extension of Congressional privilege to the populace at large.)

<<<<<****DIRECT TRANSMISSION****>>>>>

The Mulvanator is back! You see, Christmas is the spririt of liberalism and the War on Christmas was conjured up this year by Faux News, so......this country gives medals to soldiers who splatter Iraqi children, yet a whore house was shut down a scant two miles from Mulva's mini-mansion, it seems that currency was exchanged for orgasms. (Is your head spinning yet?) and there are still Katrina victims, gun owners in Georgia exercising 2nd amendment rights, so..... we have no right to celebrate Christmas because it's a liberal idea and nasty conservatives have ruined the whole idea because everyday isn't Christmas all year long.
Phewww....I'm breathless.
I'm just hoping it wasn't any any of Hillary's WHORES.

Laika the Space Dog wrote:......this country gives medals to soldiers who splatter Iraqi children...

Actually, what young Alva wrote was:

Nitwit Planet wrote:It is quite puzzling that we live in a nation that awards men with metals and places adjectives of heroism and honor upon their heads for turning Iraqi children into splatters of blood and bone thousands of miles away...

[italics mine]

I am categorically denying that anyone is offering or giving piles and piles of precious metals like gold, silver, or platinum to anyone for killing innocent children or anyone else. This is nothing but a scurrilous, deranged rumor. We are however offering ten (10) pounds of gold bullion in beautiful Christmas decorated gold bars to anyone who'll find the source of this criminally insane rumor that Nitwit Planet has used in it's news and opinion coverage.

Who the Orange County does this thing think he is, the NYT?!? HOW DARE HE MANGLE THE NEWS, HOW DARE HE! Uggh, this burns my Franklins, burns em' I tell ya when I have to read such a poor attempt to twist the truth on a rather good bit of falsified information!

Marshal Pravda, I think we might have to make another trip to Nitwitia and show this TYRANT how to manipulate the truth, what say you comrade Laika?

what say you comrade Laika?

Been there Comrade....
What is facing the Cube now is the possibility of a two front war. It seems that United Numbskull sanctions may not be working with CausalCrunch, the Il Duce of Beingland. Our troops have been massing on the border of Beingland for a week now. Impeachmania has been shipping Swanson frozen food to Beingland who appears to be stocking up for a prolonged struggle. This Axis of Weasel must be stopped.
Meanwhile, refugee prostitutes fleeing Nitwitia have been reporting that King Mulva reacted violently when they told him "No 'Happy Ending' for you. Me no bang bang with King Mulva, me no lovey dove Mulva, not even with fistful of Franklin. Him weird kinky guy."
King Mulva decreed "Free Love" and the prostitutes were forced into exile. It's a tragedy. It's been estimated that at least a dozen prostitutes have made the trek from Nitwitia to safer countries.

Our hearts BLEED for these prostitutes!

What is Christmas without the prostitutes!? I remember a secular humanist prostitute in the Bible, yup, I sure do. I also remember that prostitute denouncing Christ too! Uggh, now I'm sick to my stomach and will have to kick back a very expensive bottle of Cognac -- which was given to me by the Duke of Gaahoorahmi. I hate to agree in the decision of sending battalions into Beingland -- but it must be done! We must liberate ALL of these people in the pursuit of the Common Good. Even if it turns into a blood bath, it must be done! We need to feed them, cloth them and arm them... then they will be our friends and we let the AmeriKKKans handle the peace keeping BS (Lenin knows we don't want our boys in red caught in a Somalia like incident!) Hmm, how can we infiltrate Beingland?


(The Axis of Weasel - Swansonia, Nitwitia and Beingland. The little country is Land of Good Space Guy Nelson, which is of course our ally in this struggle.)

How do we invade Beingland?

This is easy, comrades, if we take the right choice. The first, and harder one, takes much effort. First, submit to a pre-frontal lobotomy, but tell the surgeon to leave the parts of the brain which serve to send us into a towering rage over nothing intact, and give vitamin shots to those other parts which inflate our sense of self worth. They are not, as is commonly supposed, sat on, but reside at the base of the spine.

Second, eat nothing but Big Macs but complain that you do not after all like they way they're prepared although no one forced you to buy one and insist that hereafter they be made of tofu because our brother-in-law has a soybean farm in Louisiana run by wetbacks paid $1.50 an hour.

Third, insist on recycling, except for diapers because they're really nasty and good liberals need them.

Fourth, bring back the Concorde so we can show our solidarity rapidly. Even though it makes more greenhouse gases than other airplanes, the other airplanes are used by proles and we, being the leader of the proles, need her perks. Excuse me while I whip some peasants.

Fifth, buy up every copy of Algore's </i>Earth in the Lurch</i>. If amazom.com is out, get Ted Kaczynski's ramble--Algore plagiarized it while he was inventing the internet.

Or if this seems difficult, you can do one-stop shopping and join the Democratic Party.

<<ESCALATION ALERT>>

The recent conflict with Nitwitia is on the verge of erupting into a full-blown World War! Our spies have gathered intelligence that Nitwitia's dictator has forged an alliance with the People's Repuglikkk of Potemkin (PRP), located along Nitwitia's eastern border. The PRP is sending in an army of life-sized, cardboard cut-outs of Kim Jong-il. The sight of their serried ranks is something to behold! This force is being commanded by none other than Ginjis Con, not to be confused with Ghengis Khan.

On another front, a group of peace activists from the island of Martyros has reached Nitwitia and is heading to the front lines to serve as human shields. Our TROLL-72s will easily plow them under, but to defeat the Kim-Jong-il cut-outs, made of industrial-strength, reinforced cardboard, we may need to use a more asymmetrical approach.

Premier Betty, I think it's time to deploy the Nixon Clones (with their new, biofuel-powered jetpacks); that is, if you have not already sent them into action.

Mulva has been busy.

His manipulations still fail.

Can we please release the Topple-off TU-160s now?

Oh Joe! The humanity!

Of course, Engineerski, of course. There is so much to get pisseed off at. After all, none of it is fault and even the name of his blog instructs us in his worldview. He is the only sane person on earth and therefore is angry all the time.

I'm <i>so</i> happy for him.