Global Warminsk causes rapes!

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It's been a dark, dark week what with my lawsuit against Tim Ball collapsing, and Mark Steyn suing me, Doctor Evil-style, for TEN MILLION DOLLARS!! and so forth.

But there is Good News amongst all the gloom! The Left-wing rag People's Journal of Truth Mother Jones has just published scientific proof that Global Warming Climate Change causes rapes!

Yes, Comrades, the Rethuglikkkan tea-bagger Koch Brothers' plot to suffocate us all under a blanket of hot carbon dioxide is actually just a part of their WAR ON WOMEN! And after getting raped, the poor girls won't even be able to get abortions…


If only this knowledge had come in time to help my Comrade Sandusky over in the athletic department here at Penn State… he could have said "I couldn't help it, Climate Change made me do it!"

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Buy Global Warming rape whistles - only at!


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And in case the whistle doesn't help... has everything!


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Well, if this high-pitched and LOUD whistle doesn't discourage rape, then my our Entire Kollecktiv cannot fathom what might prevent such a barbarity. [However my our Entire Kollecktiv is placing an order for 12 cases of Kamerad Al's Global Warming Jelly.]

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I have it on good authority that Comrade Pope Algore's Glow-ball Warming Jelly is also excellent lubricant for massages on cold, rainy nights in Portland...

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Our Facebook kollektive have their comments on this story:

  • Those rape whistles don't work. They just alert women and scare them off. Not helpful at all.
  • Hey girls, I'm single, easy going, have a great sense of humor, and like long walks on the beach. And as long as the sea level doesn't rise, I promise I won't rape you. Call me.
  • Al Gore indecently assaulted me, and many others, with a hockey stick and blamed it on global warming. It was as if he went medieval on our asses. No, hold on, there was no medieval warming period. Erm, he went computer model on our asses. Yep, that was it.
  • The new "GLOBAL WARMING made me do it" defense
  • I feel guilty.
  • Seems legit. If Global Warming can cause global cooling, then it can do anything!
  • it's on the list