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Headlines From the Year 2020 (Part IX)

8/13/2011, 10:47 am
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  • Damage and casualties from years of rioting in Britain surpass WWII; government threatens to use rubber bullets and tear gas
  • Right-wing extremists in Birmingham picket city hall; police open fire, killing twenty-nine
  • Rampaging youths in San Francisco beat to death over one hundred gays; fist-fight breaks out in Congress between Barney Frank and Charles Rangel
  • Price of gold hits $50,000 per ounce; Treasury Secretary Chris Dodd raises capital gains tax on the yellow metal to 95%
  • Obamacare officials order all dentists to check fillings for possible tax havens; TSA personnel to do same for rectal cavities
  • All quizzes, tests, and exams to be eliminated from school system; “why educate our children to be greedy, self-serving, and heartless?” asks Michelle Obama, director of the Chicago-based Center for Everything Progressive
  • Chinese aircraft carrier makes unannounced stop in San Diego; Nancy Pelosi says she will bind her feet so that she can “respectfully receive the ship's captain in a manner consistent with his native culture”
  • ACLU and MoveOn sue Chinese government for copyright infringement over use of the word communist
  • Homeland Security to deport “diversity deniers” and give their assets and identities to “undocumented Americans who yearn to fulfill the American dream”
  • No takers for President Geithner's offer of a suitcase full of 100-dollar bills to anyone who comes to get it; cost of bus ticket to Washington exceeds benefit
  • General Electric awarded $200 billion federal contract to “put a windmill on every roof in America” by 2027
  • Following gruesome murder-suicide in the Bronx, Charles Schumer introduces bill to ban sale of “assault revolvers”
  • New York Times applauds drop in average price of home to $5,000; “home ownership is now within the reach of all Americans without regard to income, race, age, or sexual orientation”
  • Newly-installed Caliph Muhammed al-Jihad brings former U.S. President Barack Obama to his palace in Tripoli to serve as special adviser on Arab democracy
(More at AWOL Civilization)
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8/13/2011, 11:24 am
This look into the Glorious Radiant Future(TM) just sends shivers of revolutionary fervor right up my spine as if it were the icy fingers of Comrade Pelosi herself!
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