I am the happiest person on earth. My name is Lajuanda May and I am the person who is responsible for one of the most important jobs on earth. I am Barack Obama's pedicurist. For his left foot.

Who would have thought that a simple girl from Notrees, Texas, could have risen this far? I went to Aladdin College of Beauty and graduated at the top of my class. I could do the best finger wave in the Permian Basin. But my real love was for nail care. The Permian Basin wasn't big enough to hold me so I went, like any other hopeful young girl, to Dallas.

I settled in Garland and got a job at Junelle's House of Shellac, "Where if we don't use a full can of hair spray, your do's on us."

I heard that dear Barack was assembling his White House staff and I sent in my resumé. What, I thought, would a sophisticated man like Barack, a prophet, a Lightworker, want in someone who would see to his pedicure? I thought and thought; I took my vacation and sat at home thinking. Finally, I wrote an essay on my approach to the job.

"If I were the pedicurist to Barack Obama, it would be my first duty to make sure that his dogs didn't bark. I'd rub his toes as soon as he got off work, starting with the little toe and working in. There are people in this line of work who think that popping the big toe first is more relaxing but as Dr. Ralph Pedes shows in his book Don't Walk All Over Your Feet!, the best results start with popping the little toe first.

"Then I'd carefully smooth my own combination of Eucerin and rose water on his feet and rub in, paying special attention to his sole.

"I have very strong and soothing thumbs.

"Then it's time for the nail buffing and trimming. After only a few minutes I can have the president's feet in perfect shape."

I got a phone call from Rahm Emanuel. "Lajuanda! The Big Guy just loved your plan for his foot care. Can you start right away?"

I was thrilled. No one from Notrees, Texas had even gotten this far. "Sure! Anything that you want! I can hardly wait to take care of the Big Guy's feet!"

Rahm paused. "Well, you see, Lajuanda. The Big Guy feels that your essay was perfect for his left foot but he didn't feel that it was quite right for his, er, right foot. There will another pedicurist for his right foot. I'm sure you understand.

"But one of your duties will be alternate groom of the stool, should his official groom of the stool be unable to perform his duties."

If the Big Guy needs two pedicurists, who am I to argue? And if I need to act as groom of the stool, why not? After all, Barack does produce the most expensive shit on the face of the earth.

It is more than I ever thought a simple girl from Notrees, Texas could ever do.

When you're done washing his foot, do you dry it with your hair in the prescribed Biblical fashion? Seems only fitting since he is after all our messiah. And in regard to the stool grooming, I trust you use your hair for that as well. We must all do our part to save the trees and reduce toilet paper consumption.

You must be gloriously proud to serve our Great Leader. Whether picked toe jam or picking his teeth, this is high calling. Way back in the days before he was anointed as Great Leader of the Stupid People, Barry himself picked around as a pedicurist.

Whoopie, I have called Secret Service; obviously you have a camera to spy on President Awesome. You should not have known about me using my hair.

So far I have not been lucky enough to serve as Barry's groom of the stool. I offer and offer but Rahm tells me that his groom of the stool also needs to be a proctologist, to take care of any damage left by Nanski Peloski's talons while she has her hand up his ass.

Fraulein, I blush to admit that I have been collecting Barry's toe jam and it goes into a silver box at my Barry O. Shrine. It's made of compressed Florida chads and given to him by the Holy Gore. "Barack, I hope you love chads as much as I do. By the way, some of those chads came from Georgia but don't tell George that."

I wanted to have my Barry O. Shrine made up of copies of books he's written, but I couldn't find any. Legislation that he passed. But I couldn't find any. Achievements of his. I tried to buy a honorable mention ribbon from his fifth-grade track meet but that was pulled from eBay.

Lajuanda wrote: Fraulein, I blush to admit that I have been collecting Barry's toe jam and it goes into a silver box at my Barry O. Shrine. It's made of compressed Florida chads and given to him by the Holy Gore. "Barack, I hope you love chads as much as I do. By the way, some of those chads came from Georgia but don't tell George that.".

That is so precious. I feel a tear . . .

Eixnay or the Georgianay.

Just what is all this hagiography? Although Barack is the Holy One, The Prog Who Will Come(tm), still no one should be allowed to eclipse the Mighty Marx or the Stalwart Stalin. Or as Anita Dunn would say, the Magnificent Mao.

Say it slowly. Barack is just a man. A <i>man<i>.

Who will lead us to the land of socialism, where there are no rights and everyone has all of them, where striving will be for naught, where everyone is just as miserable as I, a made prog, am.

Who am I kidding about not collecting Barack's toe jam? Hell with that. Let's stockpile his coprolites!

[quote="Commissar Theocritus"]Although Barack is the Holy One, The Prog Who Will Come(tm), still no one should be allowed to eclipse the Mighty Marx or the Stalwart Stalin. Or as Anita Dunn would say, the Magnificent Mao.[/font]
Say it slowly. Barack is just a man. A <i>man<i>.
![/quote]

A "man", "just a man". . . TREASON! SEDITION! INSUBORDINATION!! . . . . . . . Honestly?? Well, don't that just break my little heart. I was told he was "special". That he would bring "unity" and "racial harmony". A balanced budget and harmony to the Congress.

I think I just threw up in a mouth a bit.

Fraulein, I just had a smashing idea. I have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes. I love those cats dearly. They're well trained. Twice a week their litter boxes are cleaned. Why do I not send their renderings of Purina One to Nanski so that she can craft a health-care bill which will be the envy of the world?

I'm quite sure that cat shit pressed into paper would be better for the American Public than Obamacare, and it's only patriotic to help Lord Zero pass this as his legacy.

We, the Cube, can be the makings of the Cat-Shit President(tm).

Comrade Nanski already places her poop in jars and give them out for presents during the Winter Solstice Holidays. So I don't see why Comrade Lajuanda couldn't do the same with any of his O'Liness's excretions so that he may pass them out to his closest friends.

Comrade Lajuanda,

Might you be looking for an Avatar, my dear? If so, below are two that might suit you. Now, I don't want you to feel obligated to use them. You may already be cooking something up at home or in your beauty parlor. I just wanted you to feel welcome to the Cube. That's all.

Leninka

I must congratulate you, Lajaunda! You rose from humble origins in the land of No Trees to reach the top of your chosen profession in the land of No Brains in the service of the Smartest Man Who Ever Lived.

I have to confess, I'm envious of you; you get to touch the Great One's feet... well, at least, one foot. But it's the LEFT foot, the most important one! You see, I've always had a crush on his feet. The rest of the world is in love with his brain well, except for the MSM journalistas who spent the last 3 years s*cking his d*ck but to me, his feet do the very necessary but unglamorous work of holding him up while he accepts his prizes and makes his brilliant speeches. The brain gets all the glory but the feet never get jealous or complain (partially thanks to you!) they just go on doing their job of serving our Dear Leader. [sigh] I just find their reliability and modesty just so admirable; Obama's feet are definitely my favorite part of His Excellency's body although his asshole is a close second for being the source of all his great ideas.

Lajaunda, I hope you are proud of yourself and I hope you realize how priviledged you are to be able to serve The Won in this capacity. And don't worry, someday soon the groom of the stool job may open up after all, Keith Olberman can't go on eating sh*t forever.

And to all those critics and naysayers out there: Obama's left foot pedicurist, right foot and groom of the stool - add THREE MILLION more jobs created or saved by Obama's glorious slush fund Stimulus! Glory be!

[quote="Commissar Theocritus"]Fraulein, I just had a smashing idea. I have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes. I love those cats dearly. They're well trained. Twice a week their litter boxes are cleaned. Why do I not send their renderings of Purina One to Nanski so that she can craft a health-care bill which will be the envy of the world?[/font][/quote]

I think this is a most glorious idea, comrade Theocritus. One which will be pleasing not only to Great Leader but to Purina & Comradess Nanski. Renderings, leftovers, remains - are all RECYCLABLE. You will be helping Great Leaders 'green initiative', saving mother planet and lessening greenhouse gasseswhich the world would not exist without. Cat-ShiteShit paper will make us the envy of PETA!

I'm quite sure that cat shit pressed into paper would be better for the American Public than Obamacare, and it's only patriotic to help Lord Zero pass this as his legacy.

And it qualifies for an NEA grant! Brilliant!

Thank you, Opiate, for your kind words. There are times that I wake up in the middle of the night, and giggle. Can this be happening to a small-town girl from Notrees? Nothing this big has ever happened to anyone from Notrees before, not since the school closed. In 1960. I recall as a child looking at the oilfield tricks trucks going from Kermit to Odessa and wishing that I could go with those men to Odessa, full of roughnecks and pickups.

But here I am in Washington, on call 24/7 in case dear Barack should get a hangnail. Or hang toenail.

And Leninka, thanks ever so much for my avatar. How did you know that's how I wear my hair? It's like looking in a mirror. All that hair helps me tend to my duties, of course, but it's damned hard to keep clean and blonde. Toe jam stains something awful, you know.

Betinov, have you ever marveled at how sometimes you cannot tell the difference between the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Education Association?

And why should you? A picture of the Virgin Mary with elephant dung is merely a graphical representation of children who cannot read their diplomas. A vial of urine with a crucifix in it is a perfect representation of children who are taught "to use community resources" instead of how to figure or read or write.

I propose merging both NEAs. It will save confusion, and I'm beginning to believe that public education in America is turning into performance art. Of the worst sort.

A friend of a friend of mine's service to Obama is, as Obama rides in his victory chariot around Washington DC, to whisper in his ear - "You are mortal. You are mortal."

Pfft, yeah right Halliburton. Obama is only mortal like that Jesus fella. "And on his third term in office, he arose and ascended into...ummmm...history"

Surely, Comradette Lajuanda, you must hear things while you are working on the toes of the Messiah. As well, he might have even asked you your opinion, might he not?

The reason I ask is because I was wondering if it was you who told him to feign that he was concerned about the deficit since the day of the STFU SOTU speech.

Welcome, Lajuanda. At the risk of dating myself, upon seeing the subject line of this thread, I immediately thought of that old Reader's Digest series, e.g. "I Am Joe's Left Testicle."

Maybe we should revive a variation of that with a series of articles: "I Am Joe Biden's Big Mouth," or maybe this:

"I am thirty-six inches long and four inches wide. I am black and made of genuine leather. A hundred Holstein cows were slaughtered to make me. I am adorned with row upon row of glistening gold studs filed to sharp points, so as to keep the unwashed masses from getting too close to my owner, whose sloppy cardigans I keep shut and who wasn't proud to be an American until almost two years ago.

"I am Michelle Obama's belt."

Pinkie, I am just a lowly newcomer here, and could not ever dare to write about more than the obsession of my life--Barack's left foot.

It's all that I dream about. I go around in a daze, wondering how I can be of more use to Him. Being a foot-care specialist, I know that if his feet are hurting, even if he doesn't touch the ground when he walks, then he won't lead us to the Progressive World of Next Tuesday(tm).

I have insured my hands with Lloyds for a million dollars. I mean, what if I couldn't remove the tensions from Barack's left great toe?

One time Barack noticed how I was holding his foot up while massaging it. "Lajuanda," he purred in his umber-shaded baritone, "for Eid--not that I celebrate it if course--how would you like to suck my toes?"

The room swam before my eyes. How could I, a simple cosmetologist from Notrees, Texas, be so lucky? Osculation with the phalanges of Barack Obama!

"Just one thing," Barack shook his finger at me. "I don't like to feel teeth."

I am having my teeth extracted next week, so that my gums will be healed and ready come Eid.

If the nation can give up its money and its health for Barack, who am I to worry about my silly, freaking <i>teeth</i>?

More great news! The Big Guy said that I can collect toe jam from Andy Stern too! I'm told that stuff is powerful enough to take 25% out of any check it comes into contact with.

Next we could have My Left Boob by Nanski Peloski.

I thought Joe was the Left BOOB!

Now, Lajuanda, you still seem to be keeping some secrets close to your chest. Is there any more you aren't telling us? For instance, you haven't told us who takes care of his right foot. And, as you know, Dear Leader is fond of the finest, most expensive beef. Is he the same way about the materials you use to paint his toes? Inquiring minds want to know. Your secrets are safe here at the Cube.

Comrade Leninka

Being a Politically Correct Prog your Dear Leader would never admit to having a "Right" Foot.

"Right" means Raaacist, Rethuglican, Bitter Clinger Etc. Etc.

The Official Truth^TM is that he has Two Left Feet.

He also has Two Left Hands

Amandla!

Obamugabe

I cannot tell who the Keeper of His Right Foot is. It is a secret and considered mission-critical.

In fact I've never seen him. We are smuggled in at separate times, and are not even allowed in the building at the same time. It's like the State of the Union Address, when one cabinet officer is always missing just in case our dear friend Osama bin Laden, who, PBUH, hates America as much as the Nobel committee does, manages to blow up the Congress.

I have never seen the right-foot pedicurist. He has never seen me. And for the sake of national security it will always be thus.

But I'll let you in on a secret: when the groom of the stool comes in, it's Def Con Four at the White House. Even the kitchen goes into lockdown mode until the tuchus of Dear O'Leader is clean and fresh again.

Comrade Lajuanda,

You are becoming famous. Looks like your story is making around the BlogTalkRadio circuit.

Leninka, did you say that our Many Titted Empress would not do well in Texas? This is HERESY! You know that our Many Titted Empress does well anywhere she is. Well, she did have a bit of a run-in with His O'liness, but then since I smell blood in the White House I'm going to be sure that I'm on good terms with dear Hillary when she claws her way back up to the top.

If being SoS doesn't kill her.