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I Dedicate This Video To Commissarka Pinkie

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Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version




Dr. Strangelove
Direktor of Flashing Lights, Shiny Things, Bobbles, and Cinematography
Ministry of Agitprop
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room."



The only things missing from this decadent video are a shovel, Brad Pitt, Barack Obama and Commissar Vodkov.

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My fellow comrades:

Never, in all the time I've been at The People's Cube, have I seen such an obviously shameless effort to flagrantly attract my attention, openly curry my favor, and conspicuously suck up to me without the slightest concern for how absurdly pathetic the sycophant in question looks to others, but most especially to me.

Yes, Dr. Strangelove is truly disgusting in his brazen attempt to broadcast to all in the Collective, "Look at me, Pinkie! I am your obedient slave! I will do anything for you! I will sink to any level, no matter how low, in the mere whisper of hope that your stern, usually disdainful facade will crack just enough to show a tooth or two and offer me a vague hint of satisfaction that I, unlike all the other losers in the Collective, might have been able to accomplish what is known to be impossible--amusing and impressing you with my rare, undiscovered talent for amusing and impressing the Commissarka!"

Sickening, isn't it? Yes, no doubt all of you are thinking what a pitiful fool is Dr. Strangelove, to presume he thinks he can do what the rest of you would never consider trying to do. Perhaps you're all thinking that Dr. Strangelove enjoys being whacked with my shovel, that he revels in soiled wet pants and the itchy rash that comes with it. To Dr. Strangelove his own, but not the rest of you, oh no! None of you would dare.

Nonetheless, he did, and for that he is hereby presented with Pinkie's prestigious Beet of the Week award!

Image In approximately 6-8 weeks, Doctor, your mother should receive her bumper sticker, "My Child is Beet of the Week at The People's Cube.com."

For the rest of you, you can jolly well go out and earn bumper stickers for your mothers that say, "My Kid Denounced Your Beet of the Week Kid."

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Regardless of Kommissarka's heartfelt speech, I must admit that if I didn't know better I'd think she was the actual author of the lyrics. It's got "Pinkie" written all over it.

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Yes, Dr. Strangelove is truly disgusting in his brazen attempt to broadcast to all in the Collective, "Look at me, Pinkie! I am your obedient slave! I will do anything for you! I will sink to any level, no matter how low, in the mere whisper of hope that your stern, usually disdainful facade will crack just enough to show a tooth or two and offer me a vague hint of satisfaction that I, unlike all the other losers in the Collective, might have been able to accomplish what is known to be impossible--amusing and impressing you with my rare, undiscovered talent for amusing and impressing the Commissarka!"

One cannot sink too low in doing whatever is necessary to avoid the back of your shovel, Pinkie, and the Beet of the Week Award is icing on the borscht! Thank you!

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After that wondrous video I do not think that I will ever say or think anything that is not a non sequitur. It was hot today. The cat threw up on the rug. There is a cartoon on the television. Why don't I have any concentration? Rosanne is going to have her own weekend on TV Land.

My butt itches. Do I have worms?

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Wait. Pinkie you have teeth? How did this miracle of socialized medicine happen? *ducks shovel*

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Yes, but they're steel, just like her shovel.

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Ahh that makes sense now Commissar. Are they high carbon steel, which require regular buffing to keep from rusting away, or stainless?

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I don't really know; Pinkie does not favor me, or indeed anyone else, for she does not often favor me with a smile. When I do see her smile, I take to my heels.

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Are you comrades comparing me to a James Bond villain?
Image If this is what you think of me, then no wonder you don't get Beet of the Week. Now, if you'd compared me to the villainess who crushed men's skulls with her thighs . . .
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And what thighs they are, dear Pinkie, what thighs they are. Strengthened by all that healthy, proletarian work in the beet trenches, taking your vacation in the potato trenches, laboring the good labor, sweating the pure sweat of classless labor.

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Commisarka, I'm sure you have truly glorious thighs capable of crushing skulls, but when you exhibit such astounding skill with the shovel, how can one know all of your myriad of talents? Steel teeth, skull crushing thighs, incredible shovel thwacking skills, and a face that sunk a thousand ships. A truly noble example of the socialist female ideal. Have you reproduced yet, so that your progney may serve the Greater Good(TM) by passing your genetic code on to future generations? Perhaps we should just work on having Pinkie clones in the future? I can see it now... Pinkie1, Pinkie2, Pinkie3, etc.... (Have I sunk to a depraved level enough to get Beet of the Week too? I can go lower...)

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Better watch it, Colonel. Too much sucking up and up and you get Bruno of the week.

And I don't advise it.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Better watch it, Colonel. Too much sucking up and up and you get Bruno of the week.

And I don't advise it.

Ack! Not a BRUNO OF THE WEEK! I'm too straight for that! :p


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Now, if you'd compared me to the villainess who crushed men's skulls with her thighs . . .

How do you think I wound up in this jar?

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Ivan, now I am the first to admit that I am terrified of Pinkie's shovel, and thighs, but then bear in mind that I've seen the thighs of our Many Titted Empress here at the Rancho. Many times. Once she and Janet Reno and Janet Napolitano, when she was a nobody, were here and I couldn't find the bottle opener. Our MTE normally drinks Bloody Marys made with Republican virgin blood bud for some reason she was drinking just Bud that night.

She put the bottle between her thighs and pulled the cap off. Over and over and over. I don't know if it she worried it off with the steel-brush hair on her thighs, but in the morning I found a huge number of bottle caps, and our MTE didn't even walk funny.

The one whose thighs are worrying are still our MTE. Just because she's SOS doesn't mean that she's not, well, our dear Empress.

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Did you ever think that that goddamned, evil, mean, power-made bitch would be the sanest one in an administration?

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I would think the stretch marks in our MTE's thighs would be perfect for gripping the edge of a bottle cap and providing a grip with which to pop it off.

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I still want my damn necklace back, Pinkie!!!


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Commissarka Pinkie,

I believe that I am also capable of some serious shameless groveling and down-right toadyism to win your favor. I happen to know all women, even those that wield a mean shovel can be subdued with a real cheesy love letter. Instead of Dr. Stangelove's sorry attempt at just posting a video he had no hand in creating to win your heart, I submit my original feelings for ou.

Looking at your lovely visage has inspired me to write this in an attempt to win your heart.

Pinkie-kins,

Oh cuddlecakes, I must confess my undying love for you. There isn't a day that I do not think of what my hunnie-oneums is doing. Peachycheeks, my heart skips a beet every time I read on of your posts. Snugglechunks, it so hard for me to bear the long wait between your posts. Your posts are like a sweet shot of vodka to a thirsty man, who just drinks in every word. Sweetylips, I miss you, and just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you like you've never been held before, a hold not even close to those you might have experienced in a ladies wrestling match. Flower-ears, I was afraid of writing this letter and sending it to you, as you may reject me and crush my heart, but I just had to let you know how I feel.

My un-dying Love,

Snoogiekins

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Snoogiekins, I think that you ought to have reviewed the book of The One and Only, Barack Hussein Obama, Prince of Peace, Ruler of the Moon, and He Who Makes the Electrons Orbit the Nucleus. Your <i>billet doux</i> to Pinkie was even more cloying and treacly.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:After that wondrous video I do not think that I will ever say or think anything that is not a non sequitur. It was hot today. The cat threw up on the rug. There is a cartoon on the television. Why don't I have any concentration? Rosanne is going to have her own weekend on TV Land.

My butt itches. Do I have worms?


Commissar, Pupovich has assured me that draggin your bare butt on the carpet will relieve the itch. He says it works everytime. Try it and let me know how it works out.

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So that's what those streaks are in my pale wheat-colored carpet. After the talent-shitting pigeons Pupovich has been sneaking into my house and been doing worming dances on my carpet.

Oh, he'll pay for this. He'll pay.

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The bitches (dog types) at the Brothels say he pays very well indeed, although he has requested (and been denied) refunds for lack of, ummm, attention on his part. Seems Pup is not as stiff as he appears to be.

So good luck with that Comrade Commissar.

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Oh, I don't know about the stiff part. When he was here I learned why the Victorians put skirts on piano legs.

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Comrade Snoogie Woogums wrote:Instead of Dr. Stangelove's sorry attempt at just posting a video he had no hand in creating to win your heart, I submit my original feelings for ou [sic].

No hand in creating?! Apparently you missed my position title! In fact, here's a video I had taken of Pinkie and me at the library:



Keep your grubby little hands off of my sweaty snuggle bunny, Snoogie Woogums, while they're still attached to your arms! Pinkie is my pretty flower deer, and some of her children are quite possibly mine (pending DNA analysis)!

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Comrades! I might say there's no need for you to fight over me, that there's enough of me to go around for everyone. But that would make me look cheap and easy, and rather a slut.

So I'm afraid you will need to fight over me--or rather, because we're progs and therefore anti-war, you will need to have talks in which you let each other know in the strongest possible terms that the other's actions will not be tolerated, and that further behavior of this nature will result in being told in even stronger terms yet that more severe measures will be taken if the other persists in defying all the agreements and resolutions made by the global community of Pinkie's admirers.

He who does the right thing by submitting and surrendering to the more aggressive comrade will receive these darling cupcakes that are actually made of chocolate and pureed beets! Imagine! Two great flavors, finally together in one cute cupcake!
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The other comrade will be forced to embark on an apology tour--and no cupcakes for you!

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Pinkie, is this, er, wise? An apology tour might detract attention from the Grand Apology Tour of His O'liness. It would be most unprog for anything to depreciate the world's scorn for American as our President abases himself and America around the world and shows his ignorance and contempt.

And anyway, Pinkie, you have changed me. I'm sending this over:
Image It's a beet tractor, Pinkie, dear, a beet tractor.

I hope that this advances me to the top of the line.

It will after I plow the less-equal Commissars into compost with it.

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Bah, I'll just back all the other comrades up against a wall, and let Comrade Kalashnikov deliver a stern warning. Such is the joys of a revolutionary. Talks? We don't need no steenkin' talks. I follow in the footsetps of Che!

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Dr. Strangelove,

I agree with the terms my beloved butterbuns has set forth. I therefore renounce any attempts at violence, or threats of such use in the quest to win her hearts affection. I also strongly suggest that you do the same or I will be forced to use even stronger measures as a counter to your pathetic attempts in trying to win her heart and to show my lovechunks, that I am truly the better man here to win her heart. These measures might include but not be limited to the following:

1. Cheezy Love Poems.
2. Original Guitar Compositions.
3. Offers of moonlight walks on the Beach.
4. Getting a tattoo with a heart and the words ‘Pinkie-Kins and Snoogie-Poo Forever'
plastered on my life bicep.
5. Even WORSE pet names for my 'wittle pooh bear' then I have already employed.

I'm talking about pitchin' some serious woo here and ain't fooling around!

Comrade Snoogie Woogums

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Revolutionary Flag is red
Capitalism is through
thighs crush skull
Shovel does too

Well that sounds like something Comrade Che would write to Pinkie.

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Pinkie, all I have to offer you is my heart... that is, my heart, a case of vodka, and this band new stainless steel Collector's Edition People's Scoopmaster 9000 Shovel with Retractable Flail.™ What say you?

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Pinkie, I cannot top Strangelove's fetish shovel, I already gave my heart to The Revolution(TM) and my Che Monster went on a roaring drunk and I have no vodka now, but darling I do have something else.

An incredibly large, absolutely enormous.... beet field. Complete with a horde of prisoners digging away each and every hour of the day just begging for your merciful correction. Come Pinkie, swoon to the sound of the death squads, and crack your shovel over the heads of the criminals in the Beet Fields of The Revolution(TM).

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Pinkie, I know that our love is all that you need... but in light of 7.62's offer, I raise my original offer to include my 10,000 acre beet farm in the beautiful frozen north of Siberia. Say you'll accept, my beautiful blossom doe.

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Bah, 10,000 acre beet farm in Siberia? Is that the best you can counter with Strangelove? With the assistance of North Korea, I have been able to launch a capsule into space and create a Lunar Beet field, complete with a Lunar Prison Camp. Pinkie, my sweet beet top, join me and you can thwack heads on the moon, (which is much more entertaining as you watch air slowly seep out of a cracked helmet. Most proggish.)

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You forget, 7.62, that my current Party assignment is to North Korea. Thus, I know that you are lying about this so-called lunar beet field. Dear Leader put me in charge of all launches long, long ago, you lying sack of borscht!

Do not trust this mad villain, Pinkie my stroganov kitten. He lies!

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Mad villian? So says Strangelove. Do you not think North Koreans cannot be BRIBED? Come now Doctor. A little kimchee, a few slices of not so long pig, a little rice, a few cleverly counterfeited American dollars, and those North Koreans will sell you anything. Including launch time. What do you think the latest long range missile test is for? It's not to scare the Western world. It's to send more prisoners to the Lunar Beet Fields and bring back Space Beets(TM).

So Pinkie, my little glob of sour cream let me sweeten the deal some. Along with the lunar beet fields, I offer you an opportunity few have. Yes, that is right. I have Comrade Lenin's shovel. It is a long story, but it involves a corrupt official, the fall of communism and nude pictures of Boris Yeltsin getting it in modified busts of Stalin. Drilling a hole in Stalin's face. Disgusting. Long, long story. Anyhow my Flower of The Revolution(TM) come, join me in my command tent, and we shall make sweet Revolution together. It's for the greater good after all.

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Pinkiekins!

Do you realize that the Doc, 7.62 and Commissar Theo are offering you baubles and trinkets that they bought with their PERSONAL ACCUMULATED WEALTH!!!!!!!!!!
Wealth, that they have hoarded for their own nefarious ends and is now being spent in blatant attempt at winning your heart. Pinkienums, they are using CAPITALISTIC tactics here!
The saying ‘Diamonds are a girls best friend' is soooo apt here as to their methods.
I know as a good progressive you just have to be appalled at this.
I have no personal wealth, as I gladly gave it all to the state to support some other poor slob, who was more worthy of my hard work and labor as he sat on his butt then myself.
I truly only have my heart to offer along with the profound knowledge that a way to a woman's heart is through good old fashion romance (and in your case I reckon through the stomach also, by your beautiful picture) and not through what these would be Romeo's are shoveling you with their cheap bribery attempts.

I can feel it!!!!

I'm gettin' the cupcakes
I'm gettin' the cupcakes

Take that you would be Romeo's!

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See Pinkie, my little rum cake! 7.62 makes his lies all the more obvious! Given that I oversee all missile activities here in the DPRK, he would have to be bribing me, and I have received no such bribes from this 바보새끼 (babosaekgi)! Nothing gets in or out of those missiles without my knowledge! Furthermore, he claims to have made bribes with a few counterfeit American dollars?! It is to laugh, as I oversee the North Korean Super C-Note(TM) counterfeiting operation on the side. What kind of fool under my command would accept a few poorly counterfeited dollars?! Lastly, as you know, my little Lenindrop, I gave you Lenin's Shovel last year for your Solstice gift, Stalin's Shovel the year before, and Marx's Shovel the year before that. As you authenticated those glorious artifacts to be the genuine articles and as 7.62 is an admitted counterfeiter, we must question his holding of Lenin's Shovel and the ridiculous story behind it! As you can plainly see, my little potato muffin, it is poor quality plastic and says "Made in China" on the handle! Knowing 7.62, he probably purchased it at that evil bastion of corporate greed and trampler of the proletariat, Wal-Mart!

However, my sugar beet of socialism, despite all of these lies from 7.62, I will also throw in my dacha in the countryside outside of Leningrad as I know how much you love it, especially that summer we spend together there in 1993!

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Ah, Comrade Snoogie Woogums is obviously not a more-equal-than-others MadProg. You just dug your own grave, Snoogie! Pinkie will never consider you now! That being said, I do like your idea of diamonds, so I would also like to offer Pinkie my South African diamond mines. Pinkie, my borscht bunny, you can even play overseer on the weekends and beat the living daylights out of the mine slaves with your new shovel! Think of all the fun you'll have collecting the hidden diamond shards they spit out from between their teeth as you whack them in the back of the head!

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Ah, Comrade Snoogie Woogums is obviously not a more-equal-than-others MadProg. You just dug your own grave, Snoogie! Pinkie will never consider you now!

Aha!

You think a lowly prole such as myself cannot also offer some tempting baubles in return for my little babushka's affections. As you know Doc, until we complete the revolution there are still some Capitalistic skunks that are still in business.

We have such a dark sheep in my family, an Uncle who is still engaged in running a (gag) business for profit. It just so happens he is the owner of an "All You Can Borscht Buffet".

I think my pinkie pooh bear wouldn't mind if I slipped her a few free coupons to chow down there in a counter to your tawdry little trinkets your offering her.

Commissarka Pinkie and Comrades,

Here is a video that shows some of the heartfelt feelings some of the Comrades have for all lovely and inspiring Progressive women. This is dedicated to all the lovely Comrades who make our lives more inspiring. Enjoy!!


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Snoogie Woogums wrote:ommissar Theo are offering you baubles and trinkets that they bought with their PERSONAL ACCUMULATED WEALTH!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. My. Stalin. You have really crossed the line there. I'll have you know that everything that I have was not that long ago someone else's. I am, after all, a Made Progressive. I only work to take. I believe that wealth is a zero-sum game but rights aren't.

Pinkie. Here's my offer. Bruno will do your hair, and then <i>you can practice on him with your shovel</i>. And I'll let you be in charge of the impaling stakes too.

Now. You have to admit that you'd just love to whack Bruno on the head with your shovel, with the retractable flail. I can only assume that you'll take that before bolting to the Rancho.

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I have always enjoyed a good cock fight... carry on Comrades, I'll peck the flesh off the remains.

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Komrade Zarkof wrote:Commissarka Pinkie and Comrades,

Here is a video that shows some of the heartfelt feelings some of the Comrades have for all lovely and inspiring Progressive women. This is dedicated to all the lovely Comrades who make our lives more inspiring. Enjoy!!

Good video, Komrade, but nothing better demonstrates the individuality and deepness of prog wymyn like this video, which I also dedicate to Commissarkas everywhere:


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Dr. Strangelove: You, sir, just blew it.

It's up to the rest of you now! For the championship, guess which girl in the Robert Palmer video is me? (Hint: She's wearing lipstick.)

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Dr. Strangelove: You, sir, just blew it.

It's up to the rest of you now! For the championship, guess which girl in the Robert Palmer video is me? (Hint: She's wearing lipstick.)

Pinkie, my dear, as a ProgFem, are you not into free-love and communal sharing?! Besides, I assumed LNT was asking for someone to do her nails, and I thought I'd help out since Bruno is busy haxing RR's computer and playing with Che monsters. I suppose I'll just have to give all of those shovels 'n' things to LNT...

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Admit it Strangelove, you are out of the running.

Besides, I just got a shipment of loot back from a Revolutionary Redistribution Squad, and I'm having a diamond tipped, jewel encrusted shovel made up for Pinkie. Just imagine the carnage with a diamond encrusted edge!

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Strangelove: Are you suggesting I'm a slut? And before you answer, remember I'm holding a shovel and I know how to use it for things other than digging.

Maybe when I was a lowly prole I had no choice but to get into all that free love communal stuff. That's the only way a Prog Fem can get to the top, except for affirmative action, because of the glass ceiling put in place by a conservative white corporate America that only allows neocon women like Palin and Malkin and Coulter to get to the top without having to marry or otherwise stand on the shoulders or neck or other body parts of some man who's already there.

But I'm no longer a prole, but a Party Member. I am more equal than other women. I am up there with Hillary Clinton and Eleanor Roosevelt and Nancy Pelosi and Gloria Steinem and Janeane Garofalo and Helen Thomas.

And once those great women got there, do you think the male comrades were lining up and shooting each other in the streets for the chance to leap into bed with them? Would YOU want to?

Now, do you have any other dumb things to say, Strangelove?

Anything?

Anything at all?

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Face facts Doc, your toast, last weeks news, last years T.V listings. One down just a couple more to go then those cupcakes are all mine!

For the rest of you, it is shame that you also just don't bow out gracefully. Though, since you just refuse I am forced to resort to using my secret weapon to secure my true loves affection.

Yes a shameless rip-off of a love song with my own lyrics substituted.

Hit it boys….. a one, a two, a three

Pinkiekins (sung to ‘Feelings')

Pinkiekins, nothing more than Pinkiekins,
letting my Pinkiekins know my feelings of Love,
Smile is on my face,
Thinking of my Pinkiekins and my love.

Pinkiekins, wo-o-o Pinkiekins
Wo-o-o Pinkiekins, my Pinkiekins who I love!

Pinkiekins, wo-o-o Pinkiekins
Wo-o-o Pinkiekins, my Pinkiekins who I love!

Heck, after that singing performance I really may actually quit my day job!

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I might fight other male comrades for a chance to get into bed with Palin, but that is thoughtcrime and I must go perform some suitable labor to punish myself. Perhaps a couple of hours of digging on the mass grave myself...

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Strangelove wrote:I thought I'd help out since Bruno is busy haxing RR's computer and playing with Che monsters.
It is generous of you to say that Bruno could actually hack a computer. But no he can't. I have learned to put the display to sleep when I leave mine, and he loses interest. Now a screen saver means that I can't get him out of the seat.

Unfortunately, as was revealed on another thread, Bruno has swapped DNA with the Che Monsters to make the Cher Monster, which is the most awful thing since the Big Bang.

Snoogie, I think that you are going to win over Pupovich for the most nauseating groveling of any MadeProg. Of course it could be a ruse--knowing that the song "Fweewings" is sure to send anyone into insulin shock, rendering their possessions appropriatable.

RR, are you <i>trying</i> to sabotage my attempt to change my luck? Just the other day the Pinkster was upbraiding me for not making calf's eyes at her instead of another svelte commissarka. You keep bringing up all these old thoughts and ideas. Ideas and thoughts that I haven't had, for, oh, at least a half an hour.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Admit it Strangelove, you are out of the running.

Besides, I just got a shipment of loot back from a Revolutionary Redistribution Squad, and I'm having a diamond tipped, jewel encrusted shovel made up for Pinkie. Just imagine the carnage with a diamond encrusted edge!

They're glass. I should know since I had them shipped to you.


Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Strangelove: Are you suggesting I'm aslut? And before you answer, remember I'm holding a shovel and I knowhow to use it for things other than digging.

Maybe when Iwas a lowly prole I had no choice but to get into all that free lovecommunal stuff. That's the only way a Prog Fem can get to the top,except for affirmative action, because of the glass ceiling put inplace by a conservative white corporate America that only allows neoconwomen like Palin and Malkin and Coulter to get to the top withouthaving to marry or otherwise stand on the shoulders or neck or otherbody parts of some man who's already there.

But I'm no longera prole, but a Party Member. I am more equal than other women. I amup there with Hillary Clinton and Eleanor Roosevelt and Nancy Pelosiand Gloria Steinem and Janeane Garofalo and Helen Thomas.

Andonce those great women got there, do you think the male comrades werelining up and shooting each other in the streets for the chance to leapinto bed with them? Would YOU want to?

Now, do you have any other dumb things to say, Strangelove?

Anything?

Anything at all?

Will you marry me?


Comrade Snoogie Woogums wrote:Face facts Doc, your toast, last weeksnews, last years T.V listings. One down just a couple more to go thenthose cupcakes are all mine!

For the rest of you, it is shamethat you also just don't bow out gracefully. Though, since you justrefuse I am forced to resort to using my secret weapon to secure mytrue loves affection.

Yes a shameless rip-off of a love song with my own lyrics substituted.

Hit it boys….. a one, a two, a three

Pinkiekins (sung to ‘Feelings')

Pinkiekins, nothing more than Pinkiekins,
letting my Pinkiekins know my feelings of Love,
Smile is on my face,
Thinking of my Pinkiekins and my love.

Pinkiekins, wo-o-o Pinkiekins
Wo-o-o Pinkiekins, my Pinkiekins who I love!

Pinkiekins, wo-o-o Pinkiekins
Wo-o-o Pinkiekins, my Pinkiekins who I love!

Heck, after that singing performance I really may actually quit my day job!

Snoogie, you just made the Commissarka throw up on her shovel.


Commissar Theocritus wrote:
Strangelove wrote:I thought I'd helpout since Bruno is busy haxing RR's computer and playing with Chemonsters.
It is generous of you to say that Bruno could actuallyhack a computer. But no he can't. I have learned to put the display tosleep when I leave mine, and he loses interest. Now a screen savermeans that I can't get him out of the seat.

Yes, by "hax" I meant incessantly banging on the keyboard while squawking the lyrics to "I Am Woman" on continuous loop. We can at least let Bruno think he is haxing.

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My Pinkness, my sweet, hot Pinkness!

Who are these Soviet Slatterns?
Am I now a Cuckold Communist?
Please tell me you've been faithful!
Am I not still the Beet with the most Meat?

Ohhh....Pinkie, I'm so depressed, I'm going to have Geithner print another trillion.
Money makes everybody happy so that's why I'll print more....to be happy....to find comfort....to find solace.
I was willing to dump Michelle and the Teleprompter.
I guess I'll just go back to the White House.
I brought all these expensive gifts back from my trip for you.
I'll just chuck them into the Potomac with Meow's Helen...
Sniff...

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Your O'liness, do not despair. Her Pinkness is a stalwart commissarka, with her eye on the row she's whoring, er, hoeing. She is first among equals in her appreciation of the charms of our leader, the one who will lead us to the Progressive World of Next Tuesday, with all the dreaded AmeriKKKan institutions broken and with us all broke.

I'm getting choked up about it now, just thinking of it. Why don't you dump that Miss Resentment and really pitch the woo for Pinkie? I'm quite sure she'd respond.

Oh, dear, Dr., you little know what you've done. I was sitting here reading about Bruno singing, "I Am Woman," and that awful old Helen Reddy song kept buzzing through my head.

Bruno asked, "What are you singing, Theocritus?"

"It's a crappy old song from the 70s sung by a nasty old smirking dyke."

"I wanna see her! I wanna see her!"

The first image that I pulled up was
Image Bruno squealed: "Cabaret! Why didn't you tell me she was in <i>Cabaret</i>?"

And then he's been singing this in his gravely basso profundo every since.

Thanks a hell of a lot, doctor, thanks a hell of a lot. The nano Jimmy Carter rabbits will be visiting you very soon. "Nuclar! Nuclar! Nuclar!" And they're going to be in the company of the Cher Monster.

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Theo!

Helen Reddy is not from Holland. She's an Australian...you know...from "Down Under".

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I don't care where she's from--if you stick a finger in it, it's a dyke.

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Comrade Snoogie Woogums wrote:Face facts Doc, your toast, last weeks news, last years T.V listings. One down just a couple more to go then those cupcakes are all mine!

For the rest of you, it is shame that you also just don't bow out gracefully. Though, since you just refuse I am forced to resort to using my secret weapon to secure my true loves affection.

Yes a shameless rip-off of a love song with my own lyrics substituted.

Hit it boys….. a one, a two, a three

Pinkiekins (sung to ‘Feelings')

Pinkiekins, nothing more than Pinkiekins,
letting my Pinkiekins know my feelings of Love,
Smile is on my face,
Thinking of my Pinkiekins and my love.

Pinkiekins, wo-o-o Pinkiekins
Wo-o-o Pinkiekins, my Pinkiekins who I love!

Pinkiekins, wo-o-o Pinkiekins
Wo-o-o Pinkiekins, my Pinkiekins who I love!

Heck, after that singing performance I really may actually quit my day job!

"Feelings"?!?

You know how I feel about "Feelings"? It belongs on one of those K-tel collections you see loudly advertised on late night TV, that aren't sold in stores, to wit: "Music to Hang Yourself By."

That's it, Snoogie-Woogums, you're o-u-t OUT!

It's down to Theocritus, 7.62, and Obama.

Obama: You keep saying the American people are the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning, and the last thing you think of before falling asleep at night--even after a glittering glamodate and hot snuggle with Michelle. Why don't you think of ME first thing, last thing, and take ME on that glittering glamodate and hot snuggle?

You've taken her to NY, to Paris; she's currently shopping and sightseeing with the girls in London--what's next? What's another glamorous, glittering capital? Rome!

Yes, Rome! I read that article on the Internet where you said you wished you had the time to be an ordinary tourist in Paris; well, now I'm offering you a chance with a Roman Holiday! Yes, Obama, let me be Gregory Peck to your Audrey Hepburn! I'll take you to the Spanish steps and the catacombs and the Forum and that giant typewriter and we'll find someplace where you can get your hair cut to look just like Gina Lollobrigida and no one'll know it's you!

Say yes, and we'll find a nice Italian bistro where we can share spaghetti noodles just like Disney's Lady and the Tramp!

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Pinkie, are you sure, really really sure, that you want to share noodles like Lady and the Tramp? With those choppers you might lose something important, like your head. Also, you might be embarrassed is the Chosen One doesn't have his TelePrompTer programmed for eating. Eating right. After all the last thing that we want during a scene like that on the Spanish Steps, say perhaps in the English Tearoom, is to have an old program from the Clinton TelePrompTer which was made for Monica.

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"After all the last thing that we want during a scene like that on the Spanish Steps, say perhaps in the English Tearoom, is to have an old program from the Clinton TelePrompTer which was made for Monica. "

To quote the ineffable words of the Betty(better Laika?) Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww!!!

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When the "nuclar" holocaust from Iran and North Korea comes, and it will come, and it's time to go down into the underground bunker for a hundred years, you'll rue the day you passed up becoming one of my 10 wives, Ms. Pinkovich! You could have been queen of my harem, but no! That wasn't good enough!

I guess it's just you and me for right now, LNT my love. LNT? Darling? Where did she go?

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Pinkie, while Obama may think of an entire nation, as a made prog I think only of myself. And since you would complete me, thinking of myself first thing in the morning also means thinking of YOU first thing in the morning. Come, join me and we can make beautiful Revolution together.

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Pinkie,
I beg of you….One more chance to make it up to you, before you throw me on the trash heap of unreturned love. I just would have never guessed that my choice of a song to woo you with would have such a reaction.
I thought my choice of the song “Feelings” would result in some serious spooning in the near future with you, not in your crushing my heart. Forgive me for using such a syrupy song and I humbly retract my song choice. I wish to try another song that will make you forget my previous offering, a song that will not stick in your head for hours or cause you to gag but one that will evoke the real affection I feel for you. I hope this choice will put back in the contention. Because Pinkie………You Light Up My Life

Hit it boys…a one and a two and a three

So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now
You've come along
You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song
Rollin' at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I'm turning for home?
Finally, a chance to say hey,
I love You
Never again to be all alone
You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song
You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song
Pinkie, always remember even if you do reject me once again, I will still take any and all song requests from you if you ask in my vast repertoire of ‘‘classics'' that I have learned to sing over the years (I'm into John Denver right now! Sunshine on My Shoulders Makes Me Happy…..ooh ooh ooh).

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Give it up snoogie. You just want to go find a brick wall somewhere and call 888-Executme ? I'll send a Revolutionary Justice Squad(TM) over right away. All major methods accepted.

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Very well, Snoogie, if you're into "Songs From the Ledge"--meaning they'd send me out there if I weren't already perched there for peace--how about some purge-worthy tunes like "Muskrat Love" and--at the risk of dating myself, does anyone here besides me remember this one--"Run, Joey, Run."

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Pinkie
I just knew it! You thought we didn't have anything in common but babe I got you babe and I just knew deep down our musical tastes were the same. Muskrat love…….A true classic. My heart is leaping with joy that you also like that tune.
The mere thought of two sweaty, smelly, flea infested rodents getting it on just reeks of romance.

I'm telling you Pinkie, dump these other so called suitors for your affections and put back in the race, because with me you'll be riding wildfire and leaving sod bustin behind.

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Well, Pinkie, if you give Snoogie Woogums another chance, then you have to give me another chance as well. Otherwise, I'll just have to ask all of you to kindly get the hell off of my thread. Besides, I will one-up Snoogie Woogum's regurgitation of lyrics by sending you this video I took of our very own beloved, your favorite and mein, Commissarka Garofalo!


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*devouring flesh of Strangelove... mass grave #666 prepared for bloody corpse...*
*devouring flesh of Snoogie Woogie...*

WAIT! What is all this second chance BS? That's like saying that it's o.k. to default on student loans but not on credit cards!?! Everyone knows you can up charge shiny things 'til hell hell freezes over and then write them off, but expand your mind and you are a slave to society forever... thank Lenin Comrade Clinton removed the statute of limitations from re-educational loans! Now every KKKapitalist of ability and knowledge can shovel for The People(TM).

Dear Commissarka Pinkie The Glorious what is your current truth?

Lovely Commissarka Pinkie, don't forget the pedagogy of The Wall.

Commissar Theocritus, it is difficult being a cock when every time I mention that I am a cock you swoon. I mean, a cock is a cock, is a cock, is a cock. Right? A cock by any other name is still a cock, Gertrude.

So before you get all Georgia O'Keefe on me remember that I am a cock.

Now please, where are those Rockets, I need them for the Lower Polk, I have pockets to pick.

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Dear Comrade Red Rooster, it *sniff* warms this old commissar's heart that you would consider including me in Mass Grave #666. It makes dying seem not all too bad...

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Red Rooster,

A second chance? Consider a BAIL-OUT.


The Doc and I deserve a second chance bail-out! Not only do we deserve it, I don't know about the Doc but I at least I demand that Theo, Obama and 7.62 pay for it on their dime. To actually think just because we both offered a pretty crappy product in the first place with our initial attempts to win pinkies heart and her cupcakes and she threw us to the curb, does not mean we aren't owed a taxpayer peoples funded second chance bail-out.
We are progressives here! The Doc and I are ‘victims' and deserve some real affirmative action to once again level the playing field to ensure that we both can continue our product line of selling the same stale romantic crap and failure that got us kicked to the curb in the first place.
I have even a better suggestion if Theo, Obama and 7.62 don't have any spare cash to fork our way. They can always borrow it on the peoples credit card and let future generations be stuck with the bill, a total win, win for all.

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You know, I always liked you, Comrade Snoogie Woogams, and now I know why. In the spirit of this new friendship, I would like to propose the Commissarka Pinkie Time Share Program.™ Furthermore, to avoid any additional unwanted baggage from our dear Commissarka, I also propose that we fund a condom training program for The Collective.™ Comrade Lula has already generously offered to donate all the bananas we need, and we can get our condoms from all of those extra cratefuls of Uncle Meow's Magical People's Tasty Crème-Flavored Chinese Bubble Gum(TM) sitting around in The People's Warehouse.™

Now, comrades, raise together your shot glasses of Putinka,™ and let us all make a toast to The Common Good!™ Come, come, now Comrades! Bottoms up! Hey! Why isn't anybody drinking their Thorium-laced vodka?! Dammit! SMO promised me this would work!

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Come now Strangelove, I knew something was up when I came back and found a Trotsky monster laying dead over a vodka bottle. Even the Che monster wouldn't touch the corpse. So I tested my remaining vodka on some counterrevolutionaries. They all died too. Any other sneaky tricks?

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Any other sneaky tricks?

You'll find out soon enough, 7.62. Soon enough!

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Oh, all right! Pinkie, I've had it.

"Pinkie, don't be a hero, don't be a fool as a wife..."

I give up. I renounce my passion for you. I don't even want, my shoulders shaking with sobs, to lick your shovel any more.

But that doesn't mean that I am a monk. Far from it. I'm one red-hot prog, and I'll let the entire world know that. LNT, you want to step out? I have some fancy footwork.

And Red Rooster, there's something about your coxcomb that just wobbles my tripes and shivers my timbers. Would you care for a nice extended weekend at the Rancho? We can play music that no one has ever played before.

Have you ever heard "Claire de Lune" as the moon beams beneficently over the impaling stakes in the south forty? You'll never think of Debussy the same way again.

And the barbecue. The barbecue.

Don't worry about Bruno though; he's not a jealous type. I've been hoarding the new Victoria's Secret catory for Plus Sizes for a week now and I'll throw it out in the yard when you arrive. That'll fetch him, or the other way round.

I realize that I have no reason to be a polyamorous Commissar--pitching the woo to Lenin 'n' Things and to Red Rooster, but then I don't have the right to do any of the things that I do--which is why I'm a commissar, goddamn it.

I want, I get, get over it. Get it?

I think a nice spot of polyamory would go down well. Don't you?

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Hey Doc,

Image


I also got a proposal for you. I think we are really on to something with us asking for a second chance bail-out package from the collective. I think we should angle for the following in our Bail-out Package Survival Kit.

Survival Kit contents check. In them you will find: one 45 caliber automatic, two boxes of ammunition, four days concentrated emergency rations, one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination Rooshan phrase book and Bible, one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, three pair of nylon stockings

Shoot Strangelove, a fellah could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff....

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Comrade Snoogie, I agree. In fact I'll toss in my survival kit for the doc to use (I have several, they accumulate when you shoot down enough spyplanes)

Meanwhile Pinkie, the apple of my eye, the primer of my cartridge and the edge of my blade, I have a proposal for you. Join me and become Comandantrix of a chain of prison camps in North Dakota. Cleverly disguised as FEMA holding facilities, these are really prison camps for the storage and disposal of unruly non-progs.

Each come complete with beet field, shovel factory and bullet hole pocked brick walls.

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Bullet-hole-pocked walls! What a designer motif! THis is great! I know that when I remodel the Rancho I'll make use of that.

"Hi. We're Kelly and Jen and we're here with Theocritus at the Rancho and Theocritus says that we're going to help him 'distress' his walls!"

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Commissar, I'm so glad I could be of service. Really no need to get the Che girls involved. I can send a Revolutionary Life Force Redistribution Squad(TM) with some prisoners so your walls get the proper mix of holes and body fluid stains. Revolutionary chic is in this year you know.

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No, Snoogie. That is an awful plan. How would one carry around something as cumbersome as $100 worth of Rubles, and what in the hell would somebody do with a Bible in Las Vegas?!


 
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