It all started with this vile epithet hurled at me on the Hail to the Empress thread:

Kommissar Vodkov wrote:"Huckabee plant Commissarka Pinkie"

Now, I am proud to be a Hillary Operative--a HO for the Empress. But I am not, nor have I ever been, a Huckabee Operative--the kind of HO Vodkov wants everyone to think I am!

My good name has been besmirched. My honor has been dishonored. My virtue has been--well, never mind, you get the idea.

Let me tell you what's happened since Vodkov flung this clump of mud at me. On what should've been a nice, quiet weekend spent at that website with the pictures of men's thongs, instead I've been hounded at all hours by phone calls. Long, rambling, obscene phone calls from men who wear neither red hats, nor red suspenders, nor even red man-panties--and all because they heard from Vodkov that Pinkie is THAT kind of HO!

It's as if these bounders are "tag-team" phoning me, whispering all manner of obscenities, perversions, words of unspeakable filth.

They never stop. Every five minutes the phone rings, and it's one or the other leaving his sordid message on my answering machine. "Pinkie," the stranger purrs, "come out! Come out and see me! I'm counting on you!"

Then the next one calls. "Pinkie, I'm in your neighborhood!" (Dear Lenin! They're STALKING me!) "Pinkie, I hope you'll come out and support me!"

Dear Marx! Support WHAT?!!?

"Pinkie, I really need you! I WANT your support!"

I asked my Best Friend Forever (BFF), "What do they mean by 'support'?"

BFF: "Money?"

Pinkie: "But I have no money! I give what little I have to the Empress, because I am her faithful HO!"

BFF: "Hm. Seems to me if you're a HO and they want you, they should be giving YOU money! Are you sure they're saying 'support' and not 'sport'?"

Pinkie (bewildered): "Sport? What kind of sport?"

BFF: "Whatever sport a HO usually provides."

Dear Stalin! I AM NOT THAT KIND OF HO! This is all Vodkov's doing!

The harrassing phone calls from Vodkov's friends continue. They clog up my answering machine, spouting obscenities like "permanent tax cuts", "war on terror", and "cracking down on illegal immigrants."

One of them really creeps me out. He claims he "fixed" the Olympics and even Massachusetts. Dear Lenin, what else does he fix? Broken toasters? Elections? Commissarkas who will not surrender to his brutal demands?

Vodkov did this to me. Put out the rumor that I could be ANYONE's HO! Now they won't leave me alone. They're stalking me. Hovering in my neighborhood. Leaving long, rambling, terrifying threats on my answering machine!

Who will stop these fiends . . . avenge my honor . . . and see the full wrath and revenge of The Party the proper justice served to the treacherous Vodkov?

Commisarke Pinkie,
You left out the pot!
Here is a pot for you to stir:
Sorry about all the phone calls.

Though the night is dark, Pinkie, fear not. Our beloved Empress and her Consort have long assured us that they do indeed feel our pain. They feel my pain. They feel your pain. (Stand still long enough and Bill will feel of something else too, but that's beside the point.) They feel everybody's pain. They revel in the feeling of people's pain, so much so that they will stop at nothing to feel our pain.

There now. Don't you feel better?

(And enough of you potty humor, Comrade Navigator. Can't you feel Pinkie's pain too?)

Its tough love only a true comrade can appreciate.

Hmmmmmmmmm it seems "Freulein" Pinkie is using this opportunity to:

A) Distract us from the fact that she is a Huckabee plant
B) Advertising! (I mean how often does she use the word "HO" in relation to herself in this message?)

I don't have anything against your profession Commissarka. After all it's the oldest kind of profession know. Party members have been known to indulge in this - just ask comrade Pupovich!

But to use the Peoples Organ - The Cube - to shamelessly advertise your services! That's going to far! Advertising is subversive behavior and even thinking about it is thoughtcrime.

Comrades! If you don't believe me, just look at Pinkie's post - which has been edited according to Party Approved methodology:

Huckabee plant Commissarka Pinkie wrote:
Now, I am proud to be a HO for the Empress. I am her faithful HO!"

But I am not the kind of HO Vodkov wants!

My virtue has been--well, never!

Pinkie is THAT kind of HO! I'm in your neighborhood! I hope you'll come!

I could be ANYONE's HO!

I am her faithful HO!"

Shocking? Yes!

For want of a Show Trial and Fund Raiser, must our most loyal Commissarka suffer the slings and sickles such as this? Had only the Chairman showed up on time, would we be seeing such a scene?

Kommissar Vodkov, have you indeed gone insane yet again? Have you forgotten how close you came to the People's Justice just a few months ago?

Our Empress just suffered a humiliating setback in South Carolina, and where were you Kommissar Vodkov? Stalking a loyal Hillary and Party stalwart instead of getting contributions and getting out the vote!

If Pinkie's a HO, would that mean Hillary's in the Premier Intelligence Management Position?

Comrades! Have we missed the point? That point being that a certain Kommissar who we all know committed ThoughtCrime™ previously, is now besmirching one or the Party's most loyal worker! Commissarka Pinkie, I am here in the struggle with you!

Only where does it end, Pupovich?

First he impugns the integrity, honor, goodness, greatness, excellence, magnificence and glory that personify our Empress. What could be worse than that?

Second, he used the C-word over at Notice to Criminally Insane Commissar Vodkov (the title of that thread alone should tell you something, Sherlock Pup). I was ever so traumatized by his use of that offensive word that is ever so insensitive to the Religion of Peace. Yet a certain commissar whose name I won't mention except it starts with P and ends with H; and he runs a service made up of four words that start with P, P, P and P respectively; and thinks that a certain football team whose name I won't reveal but I believe it starts with B, chose to--where was I now? Oh yes. This particular commissar chose to let the matter slide on a silly technicality involving the use of quotation marks.

Fourth--no third--C.I. Vodkov falsely accused me of (a) Thoughtcrime, (b) being that other kind of HO which I am NOT! and (c) in making these wild, absurd accusations, he used yet ANOTHER offensive, insensitive obscenity--the G-word!

OK, now--Fourth! He's sending his sleazy friends to hound me day and night. Would you believe the WIFE of one of these guys left a message on my machine? Instead of telling me to stay away from her husband, she actually wants me for him--not because she's tired, not because she has a headache, but because she thinks he's great and deserves all I can give him. (Hm, maybe she is tired at that and will do anything for one good night's sleep.) But imagine! I can't begin to think what those people are into or have in mind for me.

Now, as a good Progressive, I'm all for giving criminalsvictims of the countless failures of the Bush Administration as many chances as possible to become contributing members of our Progressive society. But Vodkov's behavior doesn't speak of one who has been forgotten, oppressed, disenfranchised, left behind or on his own, or otherwise lied to by Bush. No--he behaves as one of the few who's still stupid enough--and ergo, criminal enough--to support Bush and his myriad of illegal, immoral atrocities and war crimes against all of Planet Earth.

If you're in this struggle with me, Pupovich, then let's turn Vodkov in for deposit. Or should I break his bottle over a certain Commissar's head?

Huckabee plant and People's ho, Commissarka Pinkie wrote: First he impugns the integrity, honor, goodness, greatness, excellence, magnificence and glory that personify our Empress. What could be worse than that?

Her Highness, Hillary, is indeed a good communist. But even good communists get purged from time to time. Remember comrade Khrushchev? What will happen to you, Commissarka, when if Hillary gets purged? What will happen to your business ventures?

You call the bastard who denounced Holy Stalin a good communist?!

Ivan Betinov wrote:You call the bastard who denounced Holy Stalin a good communist?!

He was only being practical. Do you denounce our Empress for pretending to support democracy? Of course not! We communists have to get our hands dirty from time to time.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Yet a certain commissar whose name I won't mention except it starts with P and ends with H; and he runs a service made up of four words that start with P, P, P and P respectively; and thinks that a certain football team whose name I won't reveal but I believe it starts with B, chose to--where was I now? Oh yes. This particular commissar chose to let the matter slide on a silly technicality involving the use of quotation marks....

If you're in this struggle with me, Pupovich, then let's turn Vodkov in for deposit. Or should I break his bottle over a certain Commissar's head?

Commissarka Pinkie, since I know of no Commissar that supports a team that starts with a "B," I am not sure who you are referring to. But to be fair, remember, I did not clear Kommissar Vodkov of the ThoughtCrime™ that he clearly committed, I just followed the regulations regarding the Statute of Mental Limitations. However, in truth, by following those regulations to the letter of the law, Kommissar Vodkov can no longer be considered mentally insane till so declared after further examination, and thus, at further jeopardy should the Party decide to resume the Show Trial he so rightly deserves. It was actually my intent to try and point this out to the Chairman and the Empress so that the justice Kommissar Vodkov clearly deserves, be carried out. I have even volunteered, as a service to the Party, to take the position of Vice Chairman so that the show trial could continue and to ease the workload on the Chairman. Yet even in this, I was accused of the most vile things.

Be that as it may, you are correct Commissarka, there is only one path for a loyal Party dog to follow, and I shall do what is required of me, and every loyal Party member:

I Denounce Kommissar Vodkov!

Call the Empress and bring on the show trial. Make sure to invite everybody who's interested! Then my suicide hippie units* can take out the entire Trotskyite element of the Cube at one fell swoop! He Who Must Not Be Named will thank me!

*This is Kommisar Vodkov's latest hit squad. I tell the hippies there's a Military-Industrial Complex convention at the location in question and hand them explosives disguised as protest signs. Then I tell them they'll get free food when they get there. That really lights a fire under their Collective asses. When they are hustling for the free food (that they think is there) I detonate the signs from the safety of my chauffeured limo and watch them blow up along with the class enemies in question. This is in fact the only way to make hippies useful!

Commissar Pupovich wrote:Commissarka Pinkie, since I know of no Commissar that supports a team that starts with a "B," I am not sure who you are referring to.

Bengals. Bayou Bengals, right? Or something like that. Or is it the "Fighting" Bayou Bengals, in which case the team name starts with an F? You'll tell me and settle my hash, I have no doubt.

But you'll have to forgive my confusion on this particular subject. You see, out of respect for the Religion of Peace and their sensitivity to all things porcine, I don't watch football because of the offensive "pig"skin carried and kicked and thrown back and forth till one side or the other finally slam dunks it and hits a home run. In fact, you might say I know nothing about football.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:In fact, you might say I know nothing about football.

And neither do I. But I'm currently working on a progressive replacement of football with a new game for the masses, which everyone can play with his or her shovel.

My experimental team was recently photographed by Comrade Maxim during the tryouts. As you can see, there is no distinction by gender, age, hight, strength, or IQ. You can spot the captain by the red grip on the shovel.

What a glorious idea, Great Leader! We can call it People's Polo. They'll use the shovels to whack a red cube into the goal. Of course, only one team can play at a time, as more than that might lead to something dangerous like competition.

Oh, so you meant the Bengals as in the Fighting Bayou Bengal Tigers of LSU. So you were referring to me. But hopefully I have shown that I am on you and Hillary's side 110%.

"Call the Empress and bring on the show trial. Make sure to invite everybody who's interested! Then my suicide hippie units* can take out the entire Trotskyite element of the Cube at one fell swoop! He Who Must Not Be Named will thank me!"

Oh Glorious Empress! Kommissar Vodkov is clearly begging for the Show Trial he so rightly deserves for the ThoughtCrime™ against you, and for the crimes committed against your most loyal Commissarka Pinkie. Let the virgin's blood flow, let the dogs of progressive punishment play! Call forth the Chairman!

Islamic HO

Criminally Insane Vodkov:

As you probably know, today is Florida's primary, and your no-goodnik friends were still bombarding me with their obscene phone calls as late as this afternoon.

Depending on which one of them comes out on top, after tonight I am either going to be:

(a) In a really, really, really good mood,

OR

(b) In a really, really, really BAD MOOD!!!

Why, you ask? What's the difference, you may wonder?

This is all part of your torture

This is all part of The Party's new "enhanced interrogation techniques"

This is all part of our (ahem) updated process of processing you for your upcoming show trial--that is, if we can make some sort of dent in the dockets to fit you into the schedule.

Just know you've been warned!

Commissarka, you need to relax. Let Kommissar Vodkov help you relax! What about a nice candlelight dinner and a romantic walk on the beach? We can shovel some potatoes to help feed the masses and maybe execute a class enemy or two. A perfect evening! So, what do you think? Is it a date?

That's a pretty big bottle you've got there, Vodkov. And you certainly talk the talk of your friend Rasputin there. Might I remind you he was a so-called "holy man?"
In fact, I think he's one of the rogues who spent all this past weekend calling me.

No candlelight dinner. Candles are made from either wax, which is stolen from bees, or tallow, which is stolen from cattle. When you light a candle, you are being cruel not only to our delicate atmosphere, but to bees and cattle.

Nor can we go to the beach. The beaches are endangered by man's abuse of them, and the rapidly rising oceans. By this time tomorrow they'll be gone--and so will you, at the rate you're going.

Beware Commissarka Pinkie, I am afraid you will likely see Criminally Insane Kommissar Vodkov's futile amorous attempts will only increase since I have suspended his Party Pass at the Party Pleasure Palaces. I have seen his bills so far, and he can't keep paying like that for too long.

Thank you, Pupovich, I'm on my guard. He doesn't even know any good Progressive pickup lines--just bourgeois, reactionary cliches about candlelight dinners and walks on the beach--at sunset, no doubt.

And it doesn't help I'm in a VERY BAD MOOD tonight!

Huckabee agent Commissarka Pinkie wrote: And it doesn't help I'm in a VERY BAD MOOD tonight!

Yes it seems Huckabee lost in Florida. I feel your pain.

I remember when my godfather, Josef Stalin, was assassinated. I cried like a baby!

Kommissar Vodkov wrote:[I remember when my godfather, Josef Stalin, was assassinated. I cried like a baby!

You dare to invoke my name in your Thought Crime™? Do I appear "assassinated" to you "Kommissar?" Have you any idea how many comrades of your type I had to have to build my dams and my dachas? Were it not that comrades such as you do not make good bricks, there would have been even more used, and when I say "make good bricks," I do not mean producing bricks da? I suggest that you get your shovel ready and do a serious search to find your "inner comrade" before your "outer comrade" becomes a door stop of bookend for my den.

It is shameful the way you have been pursuing a loyal Party worker such as Commissarka Pinkie. And do you imagine I have not seen the slanders you have spouted against my friend the Empress? It is good for you that the Party has become a bit more "flexible" in their discipline in the West. I question the efficacy of such methods here, but I do not attempt to run the affairs here, only make what recommendations I see fit. But don't think for a minute that I don't have my own agents here, and they are most efficient.

Now do yourself a favor and run, don't walk, to the nearest re-education center before it is too late Kommissar.

Oh lordie. First Dr. Amin rises from the dead and now Uncle Iosif. Where, praytell, is the Sainted Marx? Now he could give us some pointers, I betcha.

And Pinkie, I accuse you of bourgeois men's-thong looking. After all, the People, fed on potatoes, ought to have thongs that look like this:

Eeewwww! That's not natural!

I would rather face the Bush monster or even a penniless and hungry Hillary than that Premier.

Pinkie, since you are the leader of the Commissariat of Thongs, is this a thong or a bikini brief?

(This is revenge against Betty for his screams about another image I posted some while ago.)

If you look at this image long enough, after about 5 minutes you may begin to notice a number 7 and letters that spell "Roethlisberger" on the thong.

I'm merely afraid that the seam may burst. Even in a photo. A friend gave me a dancing Hillary doll, which sings, to "My Country Tis of Thee." Looking for the switch, I couldn't find it and said, "Am I going to have to take off the clothes?"

Ellen, my secretary, nearly fell out of her chair, "You should have seen your face."

Nor can we go to the beach. The beaches are endangered by man's abuse of them, and the rapidly rising oceans. By this time tomorrow they'll be gone--and so will you, at the rate you're going.

Strolling the beach has become even more dangerous due to the effects of Anthropogenic Continental Drift. My advice is to stay inside and listen to recordings of the dulcet tones of the Empress giving campaign speeches in Alabama. It is so refreshing...when I finish a session I too don't feel noways tahrd.

Pinkie, since you are the leader of the Commissariat of Thongs, is this a thong or a bikini brief?

Theo, there ain't nothing brief about that photo.

It is for a potato-fed member of the Kollective. And notice how well she is suited for whelping new members of the proletariat. Although whether by normal means or by those pioneered in <i>Alien</i> I do not know.

A cruel Kapitalist might ask what's par for her ass.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:A cruel Kapitalist might ask what's par for her ass.

I'd say that would be a socialist Dennis Kicinich who claims he cares about the potato-eating worker-and-peasant ass. But he's now got himself a tall, slim British aristocratic ass for personal enjoyment. Does that mean he's a hypocrite like Al Gore who asks us to take public transportation while he himself rides a luxurious private jet?

There is such a mismatch between KuKuKucucnich and his hot wife that I can only wonder what just does go on. It's like the episode of a show in which a decorator said she got a job for a couple who had just gotten pregnant and had to turn the bondage room into a nursery. At least the changing table got to stay.

"Beat me! Whip me! Make me spend my own money!" Now that is cruel and unusual punishment.

What if Kucinich has been actively patronizing all those manufacturers of penis growth and enhancement patches who are stuffing our inboxes with spam emails? As a result, he grew his People's Penis to half his own size and was able to marry a younger hottie while we sat on our hands, ridiculing the spammers and their product. That's a thought that could turn my world upside down and keep me awake at night as I would reassess my values and ponder about the true meaning of life, the Universe, and everything.

That, and the "Roethlisberger" photo above.

Have you ever thought that the Roethlisberger photo was actually a drawing by Marvin the robot? When the diodes on his right side were paining him particularly.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Pinkie, since you are the leader of the Commissariat of Thongs, is this a thong or a bikini brief?

(This is revenge against Betty for his screams about another image I posted some while ago.)

Theocritus, this is neither a thong nor a brief, but a violation of my human rights.

~Pinkie

I prefer to think of it as proof of the wealth of the Glorious People's Republic where such fat is possible. It takes <i>years</i> of borscht and potatoes to get that.

For tomorrow's edification I shall show her front side with her dugs touching the floor.

For tomorrow's edification I shall show her front side with her dugs touching the floor.

Oh Lenin! She's a member of Boobs not Bombs too?! Sir, that may violate the Geneva convention and certain laws of physics.

Theocritus, I beg of you--for the love of Lenin, PLEASE DON'T!!!

Haven't I endured enough this past week? You're turning my thread into a freak show, and forcing me to undergo an involuntary self-purge of Stalinist proportions, if you know what I mean.

Pupovich, where are you? MAKE HIM STOP!!!

P.S. Theocritius: Or is this just your way of showing Vodkov the only kind of women who'll be available to him now that his Pup's Pleasure Party Palace privileges have been revoked?

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: P.S. Theocritius: Or is this just your way of showing Vodkov the only kind of women who'll be available to him now that his Pup's Pleasure Party Palace privileges have been revoked?

Commissarke, don't be so pessimistic on my behalf!

So, what have we here Criminal Kommissar Vodkov? I come here only to discover that all of the glorious ads and inspirational slogans on the right hand side have been bumped off. Naturally my first thought was the thong on that "woman" had finally burst and spilled out. But no, what do I find but wrecking by a Criminal Kommissar destroying the People's Cube! Is there no crime that you have not committed so far? Is there nothing sacred in our Progressive Paradise that you will not set out to destroy?

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:P.S. Theocritius: Or is this just your way of showing Vodkov the only kind of women who'll be available to him now that his Pup's Pleasure Party Palace privileges have been revoked?

Comrades, in camera I'll let you in on a secret. I'm desperately trying to get rid of Bruno. Anything up to half my kingdom and half of what Meow I steal in the next year. I promise that as soon as someone takes Bruno, I'll stop.

But I have an endless supply of these, you know, and it's too bad that you can't hear my evil laugh and see my bared fangs.

By the way, a moral question. If I steal what Meow steals, do two rights make a wrong?

But is that two rights Commissar? You stealing is right and proper, so is the Chairman's. But to steal from a Comrade? Now if said comrade was behaving in a criminal way such as some I know, then yes, I can see that perhaps.

Commissar Pupovich, did you not learn the lesson of Kruschev shooting Beria?

Commissar Pupovich wrote:So, what have we here Criminal Kommissar Vodkov? I come here only to discover that all of the glorious ads and inspirational slogans on the right hand side have been bumped off. Naturally my first thought was the thong on that "woman" had finally burst and spilled out. But no, what do I find but wrecking by a Criminal Kommissar destroying the People's Cube! Is there no crime that you have not committed so far? Is there nothing sacred in our Progressive Paradise that you will not set out to destroy?

Comrades, I apologise!

I thought this was only my Social-Democratic Scandinavian Opera browser playing tricks on my eyes. I'm glad the Cube maintenence workers managed to salvage the Cube from these Communist Party songs.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Commissar Pupovich, did you not learn the lesson of Kruschev shooting Beria?

But that was survival Commissar.... stealing from the Chairman is.... hmmmm, never mind.. Point taken.

Honor, Dear Pupovich, is a bourgeois weakness.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Comrades, in camera I'll let you in on a secret. I'm desperately trying to get rid of Bruno. Anything up to half my kingdom and half of what Meow I steal in the next year. I promise that as soon as someone takes Bruno, I'll stop.

But I have an endless supply of these, you know, and it's too bad that you can't hear my evil laugh and see my bared fangs.

Oh please, Theocritus, there must be something else I can do to make you stop. I can't take Bruno, but I'll do anything else. I'll even--even--(gulp), yes, I'll even do the unthinkable, and go out on a date with Mitt Romney. In fact, I'll go out on as many dates with him as it'll take to stop these visual atrocities you keep posting.

I know Mitt is bad and evil and everything our Empress is not, that nice Progressive girls like me should avoid him like the plague he's a Republican (which he is). But maybe I can change him--not so he can usurp the Empress (as Vodkov would do, Lenin forbid) but so he can come over to our side and we make a Usefel Idiot out of him, like John McCain. You see, it's all about money.

Think about it. Mitt has lots and lots of money--his OWN money, no less! Shameful! Unfair! What does he need it for? Allow me to pursue him so I can get the money and redistribute it to the Empress.

If not for the Empress . . . then For The Children?

Vodkov gave my phone number to Mitt and he was calling me all last weekend. He obviously wants me, so this should be easy. Let me do this for The Party.

Let me help the Empress by going undercover, and pretending to be a Smitten Mitten! She will be so pleased, that I'm certain she'll gladly get rid of Bruno for you.

Commissarka, your pleas have touched my heart. And your devotion to the Party, to become a Smitten Mitten Kitten has indeed touched me.

I suppose that I must bite the bullet and act as an armory for the BEQ missile. I'm used to it, you know--and is it a good idea to stop just in case I have to shoulder the burden again? If Sisyphus let the stone roll down the hill, could anything short of being caressed by the MTE's trotters force him to start rolling it up the hill again?

And there is another thing too. If I keep Bruno at the perfect pitch of explosive eye-flashing whining and shrieking, just think what a weapon that would be. Just imagine: taking him to the Republican National Convention with a few of his little friends and instead of balloons dropping, drop Cher concert tickets from the ceiling. The carnage would make Omaha Beach look like a weenie roast. Which this, oddly enough, just might be.

Those who were not trampled in the fray would commit seppuku, for <i>nothing</i> for can withstand the sound of a keening queen.

And here's the good part. The Cher tickets <i>will be conterfeit.</i>

Damn. I'm really evil.

Let's be honest Commissar, just for a moment. If you were to dispose of Bruno, just what would you use to distract your guests the next time the Empress and Nancy take a well deserved break at the Ranchero? You got it, you would be the entertainment. Do you really want to take that chance?

Sure, Bruno can be a PITA, but he does have his uses.... as well we all know.

Are you stealing my stolen goods, Theocritus? Hmm? Is that my rare coin collection that I stole from a ten-year-old boy in that bag?? And what about those Louis Vuitton bags, yes, the croc skin ones in that box you're holding... stealing those too, I presume? I swear to Stalin on high! I have been running around the country for weeks now trying to save Her Excellency's campaign from imploding and here you people are looting my Dacha and selling the crap on E-Bay! Why, just the other day I caught Bill Moyers parading down the street in one of my fine cashmere sweaters! Cashmere, Comrades! CASHMERE! Do you know how much time and effort it took me to get those cashmere sweaters out of mob hands? Hmm?

Do you know how much money it took me to bribe the truckers not to reach their destinations with those sweaters!? I LOST A THOUSAND DOLLAR SHOE IN THE PROCESS OF SECURING THOSE SWEATERS AND NOW I SEE BILL MOYERS WALTZING DOWN THE STREET IN ONE OF MY STOLEN SWEATERS!!!!!! UGH!

I am completely upset now and will not be attending dinner at the Purple Panda with you all until I get an apology... or, if you prefer, pay for my dinner tab in the event that I decide to go. Yes, an apology or picking up the bill will suffice - although I rather you pick up the bill. I would much rather you pick up the bill.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Are you stealing my stolen goods, Theocritus?

You haven't stolen anything Chairman. You have only engaged in Party approved self-centered redistribution.

How interesting Criminal Kommissar Vodkov. For once you are not defying or slandering the Chairman. Having second thoughts? Perhaps your money is running short since your pass was suspended?

Chairman, I would under no circumstances steal from you because stealing is a capitalist invention. I merely liberate, and because it is well known that I think of nothing but freedom and do nothing except for freedom, everything accrues to me, because I define freedom. So everything that I have is free, and everything that you had which I now have is free because it's mine. Comprende?

Pupovich, yes, Bruno does have his uses. The last time Our Many Titted Empress was at Rancho del Rio Grande, she wanted a mud pack. And that, dear comrades, requires logistics which would make Schwartzkopf pale. But I put it in Bruno's hands and he pulled it off wonderfully. He has the organizational skills of the impresario of a troupe of drag queens, and when you think of all that entails, you're talking about skills that could have cranked out the Manhattan Project a year earlier. With cell phones, two years earlier.

I put it in Bruno's hands and within six hours, there was a road built and right behind the graders was a hot-mix machine and right behind that 18-wheelers filled with Balinese mud, of the sort that our MTE likes. That mud pit in Bali is out of business now, of course, but anything for our Empress.

Excellent Marxist-Leninist logic, Commissar Theo. By extrapolation, the mugger in the street, the shoplifter, the burglar--all are free-lance Socialists. Only those who profit from trade, employ others as wage slaves (or invest in companies that do) steal. Only those who work for those wages or buy the products or services made/provided by those companies are stolen from. There are so many potential comrades out there who just don't understand the true economic dynamic of their existance.

Yes, Betinov - that's the liberating experience of discovering a shortcut that has attracted so many to our cause! The world seemed so difficult and complicated before, but once the progressive shortcut is explained, the world suddenly becomes as simple as a skateboard compared to a Humvee. The world also suddenly seems much more unjust than before, and that fills you with righteous anger. You want both the shortcut <b>AND</b> justice - and it makes you want to vote for Dennis Kucinich or Goodspaceguy Nelson who promise to fix that.

That shortcut is like a drop of cyanide that can poison the entire water supply, and it is so powerful and spreading because nobody has invented an effective antidote for it - only belated police measures that eliminate the drinkers but not the source.

Of course wanting both the shortcut <b>AND</b> justice is a contradiction described as "wanting to eat cake and have it too" and may lead to an effect in one's brain that some describe as"short circuit." But the brain matter is your territory, Comrade Betinov. Tell us if the discovery of a shortcut has caused you to have a short circuit in the brain, which later led to you discarding the brain as a useless piece of junk and donating it to the Party in a jar filled with Putinka vodka.

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This topic was also partially covered in the People's Glossary:

Spontaneous Marxism <br>Intent or act of liberating public property from morally wrong private possession. Considered illegal under capitalist law and stigmatized by such non-words as shoplifting, looting, thievery,piracy, larceny, robbery, and vandalism. Spontaneous Marxism does not require a proficient knowledge of the works of Karl Marx as the proletarian instinct is already taking him or her in the right direction. Was legal in the USSR (a.k.a. collectivization). Also known as the "five-finger discount"in the inchoate radical sectors of the populace.

Short-Circuit? But isn't the shortest circuit the best? I did experience a surge when I embraced the fundamental Truth of the Labor Theory of Value, but it was a surge of Enlightenment, of total epiphany, of being one with the very Weltgeist that Hegel described but Marx truly revealed. And it allowed me to understand and accept the Parable of the Apple Pie.

The Labor Theory of Value postulates that the value of an object is the labor required to produce it. (This ignores the ridiculous capitalist notion that the value of an object is what someone is willing to pay for it.) A competant cook can take dough, sugar, apples and with a middling amount of labor produce a tasty apple pie. A pastry chef can take the same ingredients and with less labor produce a magnificant confection, light and airy and pleasing to the tongue. A bungling incompetant can take the dough, apples and sugar and through many false starts, incorrect steps and much labor, reduce these ingredients into a barely edible mess. But because the labors of the bungler were greater than the labors of the other two, his product has more value.

Because people are indoctrinated by the exploitation of the elite classes in whatever stage of history they happen to be living in during the inevitable progress toward Socialism, they are trained to be selfish and to seek their own maximum benefit in any transaction. Thus, when given a choice between the three confections, they will pay a higher price for the least valuable object, the pastry chef's creation, lower price for the work-a-day cook's pie, and the least price for the most valuable, labor-intensive product; in some cases they will refuse to buy it at all. Thus the one who worked hardest receives the least reward. This is not social justice, and this is where the Party, as the Vanguard of the People, must step in. Until the people are weaned from their exploitive, selfish indoctrination, the pastry chef, who profitted most with the least effort, must have his immoral gains confiscated by the Party, likewise the lesser but still immoral profits of the work-a-day cook. The Party will then redistribute that wealth to the hardest working member of our little morality play here, so that all share equally in the proceeds from their labors.

Before too much time passes, the pastry chef and the work-a-day cook will learn to emulate their more socially virtuous counterpart and work harder to be just like him. The differences in their products will slowly wither away, and this will help the people who consume their products in their journey toward the righteous and perfectly equal society of pure Marxism. We will all eat scorched apples in a glue-like filling, wrapped up in a crust as light and tasty as concrete, and we will rejoice in our equality.

I have only one thing to say but it is kinda late due to my not being here for a while.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:IMAGE OF A THONG-WEARING MASS OF PURPLE FAT CENSORED BY PARTY ORGAN SECURITY TO PROTECT THE UPRIGHT MORAL ATTITUDES OF OUR MEMBERS
- R.S.
(This is revenge against Betty for his screams about another image I posted some while ago.)

What the hell is wrong with you people?!? Why on earth would you ever want to put such a picture on the internet?!? Why would anyone post a picture like this? Why? Why?!?

Where is my rusty spoon? I have eyes that need gouging out! Curses! Who has my rusty spoon???

Damn you Theocritus, DAMN YOU!!!!!! I denounce you for making me gouge my eyes out... again!

Ow... ow... owie....

Ivan Betinov wrote:... the Parable of the Apple Pie...

That is a very good parable. I couldn't find any references to it in Google. Did you write it yourself?

Stole the basic idea from Robert A. Heinlein's Starship Troopers, from one of the lectures given by Lt Col Jean Dubois in Rico's History and Moral Philosophy class. He used it to illustrate the logical fallacy of the Labor Theory of Value. I filed the serial numbers off, rewrote the ethical framework, and gave it a happy Socialist ending, but the apple pie metaphor was all the Grand Old Man's. Feel free to use it, but make sure to mention RAH; there're enough Heinlein fans running around out there (the ones that actually read the book, not the ones that watched Paul Verhoven's absolute abomination by the same title) that they'll call you on it if you don't.

Let's keep it simple comrades. A thief would never steal from someone who has less than they have, and no matter how little the "victim" may have, he obviously has something the thief does not have or needs more of. So because the thief always takes from those who have more than he, it is justice.

<character>
Betinov, glad to find another RAH fan there; I cut my teeth on <i>The Moon's a Harsh Mistress</i>. But technology does change. Remember when Mike was going to store a conversation with Wyoh, Mannie and the Professor? He had a whole <i>12.5 megabytes</i> of storage free. That's 1/640 I have in my iPhone.

That said, I think that his earlier stuff, even, perhaps particularly, the juvenalia like <i>Citizen of the Galaxy</i> hold up better than his last few, which degenerated into a morass of touchy-feely deus-ex-machina and, uh, unconsidered sexual liaisons, which, despite my constant references to Bruno, never really were on the ticket.

Yeah, unfortunately the Grand Old Man turned into the Dirty Old Man in his later years. I think the first one I read was Starman Jones...and I still try to live by the epitaph left on the marker of an ex-Imperial Marine left on a nameless planet: "He Ate What Was Set Before Him." Take life as it is offered, not according to what you'd like. And I agree with Lazarus Long: "Moderation is for monks. To enjoy life, take big bites!"

<i>Starman Jones</i> was one of my favorites--his photographic memory made him captain because he could read the binary in the ship's computer. More machine shock. But nothing wrong with <i>The Rolling Stones</i>, arguably his funniest. But for the sheer vision, still, it's <i>Harsh Mistress</i>.

Question: if you got a really good computer, would you name it Hal or Mike?

Ivan Betinov wrote:Yeah, unfortunately the Grand Old Man turned into the Dirty Old Man in his later years.

That explains my bad experience with him. Heinlein was not published in the Motherland, so I only heard his name when I was already in the States. Unfortunately, the first book I got was one of the latest (forgot the title). The cover praised it as one of his best. It was supposedly about a space voyage of a young woman, but it was mostly her flashbacks about her loving relationship with her father that felt rather creepy (the father was a doctor and he enjoyed playing "doctor" with his daughter) I forced myself to read further hoping that the father-daughter flashback was the writer's technical device and it would soon be over. But it kept going and going, turning more and more pornographic. And when I reached the part describing in detail how the father surgically removed his daughter's hymen, I just quit. That was enough Heinlein for this reader. Now I understand it may have been a wrong choice of a book, but I think that was the only Heinlein's book available in the local library (was it a conscious choice made by some freedom-loving librarian who enjoys HBO on the side?)

If his earlier books were as good as you say they were, and he did explore the theme of individualism and freedom, little wonder he wasn't translated in the Motherland when many of his American colleagues were, most prominently - Kurt Vonnegut.

Which brings us to a much broader issue:

A theme of who got to be translated into Russian by the Party censors and how this process worked, deserves to be researched in earnest. My guess is, there was a considerable cooperation with the liberal academic/literary circles in the US in this regard. Considering that the State-run publishers printed millions of copies for such a large country, the honorariums paid to the authors had to be rather substantial. It was also a way to reward and sponsor the radical intellectuals in the US. A lot of garbage was translated too, often by radicals of whom most Americans never even heard of. That gave them the prestige and the income to continue their subversive work. It was also a way to launder money targeted to support sedition inside the US.

The Soviets used to read a lot, since there wasn't much entertainment available outside of collective alcoholism. People would often buy translated books just because they were "American" - hoping for a chance to get a glimpse of an alternative view of life and history. But what they got was mostly the ravings of the radical left. Such a sad fraud.

Such practice probably created some sort of a cottage industry on the both sides. Someone on the US side enjoyed power and influence since his/her recommendation could make or break it for a radical author. On the Soviet side, paid business trips to the US were some of the highest privileges bestowed by the Party upon its best servants, and a sign of trust. Besides, most of these people were part-time KGB operatives anyway.

It was only part of the extensive network the KGB had built over decades, transferring money and influencing politics in foreign countries. After the fall of the USSR the network became dormant and was sometimes used by the rogue KGB officials for personal gain. My impression is it was later revived by Putin and used to transfer funds for the massive anti-American rallies prior to the 2003 Iraq war that threatened billions of investments by the Russian oligarchs. The source of funds could come directly from Saddam and his Oil For Food Program.

So when I hear about the rise of anti-Americanism in the world, I always remember that it is being spread by radical intellectuals who are being financed and coordinated by this network, and who may or may not realize how they are being played and pegs of what diabolical machine they are.

I need help comrades...there seems to be conflicting opinions here. My nephew tried to foist some Heinlan book on me to read. Unfortunately, I really don't care much for science fiction reading. Movies, ok, books no.

Red Square wrote:So when I hear about the rise of anti-Americanism in the world, I always remember that it is being spread by radical intellectuals who are being financed and coordinated by this network, and who may or may not realize how they are being played and pegs of what diabolical machine they are.

At the risk of sounding like an ass kisser, this is just one of the many reasons I love TPC. Red Square's perspective from the inside is priceless. You maybe able to find similar insights, but I don't know where.

Maksim Maksimovich wrote: At the risk of sounding like an ass kisser, this is just one of the many reasons I love TPC. Red Square's perspective from the inside is priceless. You maybe able to find similar insights, but I don't know where.

Never underestimate the value of asskissing comrade, it is a good pathway up the Party ladder. Not for me of course, I earned the title of Commissar the old fashioned way, though I was helped a great deal by the most wise and handsome Chairman.

I too must run the risk of being labeled an ass-kisser, as that was, I think, the most erudite description I have ever heard.

'Nuff said.
-Mikhail

Comrade Mikhail, in my former slavery at the Exxon Research Labs, we appropriately called this brown nosing, or offered a red rag (the color of the cloth rags offered there) to clean the "offender's" mouth.

Red, from what I've read in terms of Heinlein biography, he was pretty much a dirty young man too, but the market wouldn't bear it until the later years of his career. And despite the kinks in his later novels, the "juveniles" (Starman Jones, Have Space Suit, Will Travel, Between Planets, Podkayne of Mars, and many more) are still entertaining even as I re-read them as an adult. His "young adults" (Starship Troopers, Glory Road, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and etc.) are still rollicking good tales, but have an edge to them, emphasizing individualism, freedom, group ethics and exploring various forms of government. His early stage "adults" (Stranger in a Strange Land, Time Enough For Love, I will Fear No Evil) explore (along with some really great story lines) love and sexuality without slipping off the deep end into his later "adults" (Job: A Parable of Justice, Friday and etc.) which simply go to far into alternate sexuality for my tastes.

Another aspect of Heinlein that can serve as a good introduction are the collections of his short stories (The Past Through Tomorrow, The Green Hills of Earth, Expanded Universe). He made his living as a pulp writer in the golden age of SciFi, when the characters and plot were more important than the technology and the gore. Despite the techno-shock Theo mentioned above, many of these stories still stand on their own merits ("The Green Hills of Earth," "If This Goes On..." "Requiem") as magnificent character studies.

Commissar Pupovich wrote:Comrade Mikhail, in my former slavery at the Exxon Research Labs, we appropriately called this brown nosing, or offered a red rag (the color of the cloth rags offered there) to clean the "offender's" mouth.

Yes, I know. Leave me alone. That is how my career has progressed this far, so I'm going to continue until I get to the Politburo.

-Mikhail

I was certainly not putting this down Comrade Kalashnikov, on the contrary! It is a tried and true method and one I esteem as well. It will eventually lead us to a larger take...greater responsibilities in the Party, that along with the well planned denouncements and purges.

Sorry Commissar, I wasn't trying to be harsh, more like sarcastic, but my aversion to smilies prevented me from putting a little winkie thing at the end of my "Leave me alone" comment.

I hope you will forgive my transgression. And might I say that your coat has a wonderful sheen to it today, a distinguishing trait that only the best K9's have.

In Comradeshipness,
-Mikhail