Interstate Tolls: New Sliding Scale

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Comrades, I am ecstatic at the news! Dear Leader will allow more collectives to impose tolls on interstates that pass through their territory. There are tolls on parts of interstates in at least the following collectives: Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Kansas, West Virginia, and Oklahoma. I'm sure I'm missing some. But never fear! Dear Leader will allow the rest to keep up with the previously mentioned collectives!

This is needed, Comrades. After all, the gas tax and other numerous taxes charged on those evil kapitalist trucking companies for the purpose of paying for transportation maintenance simply doesn't cut it when that money must ALSO be used for federal research grants, Dear Leader's vacations (that IS transportation, comrades!), Lady Moochelle's vacations (again, transportation!), foreign aid, and all sorts of other priorities. We have to subsidize environmentally friendly cars to save the planet™ but then we don't get enough in gas taxes. How do people possibly expect we can keep up with infrastructure costs when that money has so many other places to be spent?

As usual, reichwing rethuglikkkan freeloaders are screaming and yelling about this and having a pity party. They just don't want to pay their fair share™. Comrades, they must think the government and infrastructure can be paid for with Monopoly money or that we can just randomly print it at will. These people have no economic sense at all! They feel that because they have been paying transportation taxes all along the roads should be maintained without tolls.

Nonsense, comrades! I've already outlined above the higher priorities for that money. Anyway, they want to use these roads, which THEY didn't build™, to go to work, have fun, go shopping, and who knows what else. And they don't want to PAY to use those roads?? They should feel happy we even let them own their own cars. They should feel lucky we don't put a 24/7 staffed toll booth at the end of their driveway or even ON their driveway, comrades!

Some of our party's comrades have tried hard in the comment sections to re-educate these morons but to no avail. They have patiently told these rightwingers that this is a proper user fee and they have been using OUR roads (which they didn't build) for free for far too long. But it just doesn't get through to the block heads. Some of these people have even questioned why we don't have user fees for the things we give to Sandra Fluke and her kind (wannabe hookers), EBT users, undocumented Americans who get benefits, etc. They just don't understand that we need those people to help us win elections!

Anyway, while I agree that every interstate should be tolled it does bring up a dilemma: How do we charge just the rightwingers doing things like going to work and ensure that the people we want to subsidize don't have to pay? I mean, what if you need to drive an interstate to use your EBT card to get a new tattoo or to buy cigarettes or beer? I suppose we could just have the tollbooths accept EBT cards and then give them a free pass.

But some people who engage in subsidized and/or party approved activities don't have EBT cards. You might be an undocumented American with a state issued driver's license who is going to work at below minimum wage. You might be a middle class prog working for Dear Leader's glorious administration and need to get to a rally for one of our candidates during work hours. That should not incur a toll, comrades!

You might need to hand out campaign literature to ensure the rethug candidate doesn't win. We can't expect people to pay tolls for that. Or you might even be Sandra Fluke going to get your subsidized benefits. We can't charge HER a toll! Or you might be one of the people who votes multiple times for our party and you need an interstate to get to all the different polling places. Our party could not afford to reimburse hard workers like that so they just need a pass.

And then there is the whole issue of the dead who come out of their slumber to help us win elections. As they say, "you can't take it with you" and we make sure of that with all our death taxes! So, we have to make sure THEY get a free pass too if an interstate allows them to get from their cemetery to the polling place faster. I suppose that last one can be taken care of by requiring the dead to name our party as their official proxy. Then they won't even have to get up.

So, somehow we have to figure out a way to make sure only rethugs and rethug voters pay their fair share for using OUR (not their) interstate highway system. Suggestions, comrades?

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Very good questions, Comrade. (I will not say "thoughtful questions" because thinking is unauthorized.) I suggest that the tolls, instead of being collected on the spot, might be logged by swipe cards to a central data collection agency, which will then garnish the toll from the user's paycheck. No job and therefore no paycheck? No charge. Paycheck from government or other exempted entity such as union, party PAC, family member, etc.? No charge. See how simple this can be and at the same time how easily adaptable to more government oversight, not to mention yet another government agency?

Oops, maybe I shouldn't give them any ideas.

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Yes, Comrade, we should borrow a concept from a little known agency, The Intelligent Transportation Systems Joint Program Office;, which is part of the Department of Transportation which offers a unique solution. Rather than track vehicles, a simple but effective neck bracelet would be worn forced to endure thus transmitting signals to appropriately stationed government receivers. The glorious concept would not only track movements but it also will be archived in massive databases for future extortions uses.
Our glorious leaders will know the exact time they drive, walk and all places these Rethuggglikkkans travel, every precise movement. In fact they'll know when they are due for their vehicles transmission checkup, the lack of appropriate party approved voting bling, racist bumper stickers, Obamacare checkup or tributeto even that neglected Tea Party Tax or a host of other extortions reasons. This would finally allow us to use this advanced hidden departmenttechnology to improve efficiency, safety and tracking of our nations Rethuggglikkkans to pay their fair share of our nations surface transportation, and other uses. It's all right there for all to see…..
Glorious News!

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Will this new device interfere with my cranial hemispheric implant myopic passivity system (CHIMPS)? I have been feeling a bit nauseous lately. I get a sharp pain every time the Obama approval rating are published. I expect this will intensify closer to the mid-term elections. Where the hell is my ObamaCare medical card?

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No Comrade Soviet Mike Komsomolets, it will however effect most of the media who suffer under a haze of Celestial Hyperaethesia Unipathic Melioristic Psychosis better known as (Chump). Symptoms include meandering conversations, mental incapacitation and the systematic wandering around in a deep cloud of doom and gloom.

May this new initiative of Dear Leader succeed exactly as well as it did in the Reactionary Republic of Texas. ... h-default/

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You are now leaving Wisconsin. Welcome to the 'Chicago Way."

U - turn in progress...