Introduding TC™....The People's Cash!

Comrades, after much consideration of the problems we have been confronted with of late, I believe I have come up with a solution! I hereby introduce Theoretical Cash™! I had given Theoretical Money some consideration, but dropped it to avoid confusion with the ™ symbol.

Why you may ask do we need this? Everyday we are being confronted by counter-revolutionary forces that try to claim that we have tripled the debt already, and our glorious plans will only cause more debt burden on the children who will have to pay this back one day, not to mention other situations that could be better settled with TC™. TC™ can be printed up today, so we will be able to "Pay as We Go," and therefore not be subject to attacks that we are burdening the future generations to pay.

TC™ will be backed by the full faith and credit of the USSA..... in other words, by OPM. Consider this as well, TC™ can be traded and speculated on even now, it is not some value that exists only in the future. We can decide for ourselves whether to collect it and save it in our private beet cans, or take it and speculate on it gaining in value in the future. In other words, we can have a whole new market force competing with the old fashioned dollar, a TC™ exchange market.

We will need a symbol other than the old $ as well. I would like to submit for the Collective's approval, the φ symbol. It seems to embody both the concept of "people's cash" with it's c and p combo, as well as a graphical expression that could be looked on as an "up your's" symbol.

Now as you should know by now, our own Dear Leader. Comrade Red Square. has already designed a new "dollar" bill for us which could easily be adjusted if necessary. I was disinclined to display it here until I found out if by copying it I could be up on charges of counterfeiting it.

I will let you know that the Obama has already expressed interest in this project! He is considering the benefit in receiving his Nobel Peace Price money in TC™! Under current tax law, his prize would be taxed at the highest rate since it is considered "unearned income." This would not be a factor in TC™.

I do hope that the collective will see the advantages in this new monetary system. Thank you comrades in advance.... it's what I do... always seeking ways to enhance the Party. It's For the Children™ in the end you know?
 

Brilliant! Money that has whatever value The Government(TM) declares it to be. And trading/speculating in it would be progressive, because there is no real profit, just the perception of profit. It's the best of both worlds. One avoids the evils of KKKapitalism, and gains the value of progressive, flexible thinking.
 

This inspires me to introduce a plan to not just reduce the deficit, but to slash it by 90%! We simply declare the value of the old capitalist dollar to be one-tenth of the value of the People's Neo-Dollar described above. Thus, the deficit is instantly reduced.
 

Comrades, cash is the problem. We are headed in the right direction with debit cards and electronic funds transfers.

Here's my vision: The gov. or employer puts your monthly value allotment in your bank account. To pay your bills you draw upon this account with a debit card.

Now the IRS knows how much you had and how much you spent. They know where you were on what date and time when you spent it. And they know who you gave it to. At the end of the year whatever you have left, the IRS can seize to prevent you from accumulating wealth.

Only gov. authorized service providers can access your account and receive funds. This makes it impossible for anyone to buy contraband like drugs, guns or private health care.
 

Comrades,

The new currency symbol embodying "up yours" implies consideration of others as it uses the second person possessive. Clearly it is a more compassionate, tolerant, progressive, highly evolved, and open-minded currency symbol. I would say put it to a vote, but that would be too bourgeois; moreover, the Party is never wrong.

My only question is the necessary keystroke combination.
 

We all need Certified Cash Cards for the People (CCCP). As Comrade Whoopie describes, all funds and transactions will be ran through a government approved clearinghouse. But here is the next, and best idea. Cash Exchange Pools. ALL income is deposited into a single pool, and divided up equally among all citizens. That way EVERYONE has an EQUAL income. Next, the government needs to take over housing, food production, transportation, and other needed industries. This way nobody will be hungry or homeless. All will receive equal housing and equal food.

Of course we will all have equal healthcare too. What a glorious future (wait... the future is now!) what a glorious present we face!
 

Certified Cash Cards for the People (CCCP) is indeed a wonderful idea, however, it will need to be backed up by PCφ. Let's face it, there is nothing like the feel of cold, hard, φ in your pocket. Besides, if everyone were to use cards, and no one carried φ in the form of PC™, what would the Chairman do? For that matter, what would any of us do when we reached into some poor unsuspecting prole to grab some φ, and all there was some plastic card? Then we would also need to steal.... er... ask for the proper PIN#, or else have to wait till we got to our computers to download it from the Party's database. On wait, I wasn't supposed to mention that. Please erase that from your memory.

Besides, I think that clearly I should be made the Party's Cash Czar for this brilliant idea.... but please don't mention this to Kommissarka Pinkie.... she is liable to have a "cash" cow if she was to hear this.
 

Hrmmm you have a lot of Czar titles there comrade. OTOH Pinkie has been rather liberal with her shovel whacks of late, *and* derided me when I said how much I'd like to get a Beet of The Week(TM) award. So yes, Pupovich for Cash Czar!
 

Yes comrades, I have not read everything here (ahem... what do you expect of party officials? We have bills to pass comrades! The Peoples Bills™! *no pun intended*).... but I feel I should mention that this is Very Fair™ Obamanomic Exchange Rate™:

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And with diligent oversight The Party™ will make sure all your useless kapitalist exploitation units (dollars) go to the right projects...

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Colonel 7.62

Hrmmm you have a lot of Czar titles there comrade. OTOH Pinkie has been rather liberal with her shovel whacks of late, *and* derided me when I said how much I'd like to get a Beet of The Week(TM) award. So yes, Pupovich for Cash Czar!

Comrade Colonel, if you haven't earned a Beet of the Week™ award yet, there can be no doubt that you have indeed been royally screwed. After all, are we not the Party of Equal Outcomes? Do we not stand for Un-earmed recognition? All we need do is look to our Obamessiah!

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Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize with His "Hope-a-Dope" Strategy!

Float like a butterfly, sting like a Acorn Representative![/center]
 

Oh, the imagery! President Awesome is so, so, so, awesome!


Ah, as you might note by my avatar, I am Comrade Chairman Bernanke. I approve and endorse the CCCP and will enjoy wielding my fiscal fairness faithfully, friends.
 

Indeed Pupovich, I am royally offended at my lack of Beet of The Week(TM) titles. I have had to console myself by feeling morally superior for that which I am deprived of. That, and using my Director of the Space/Time Continuum(TM) Powers to tap into an alternate universe where I did get Beet of The Week(TM) and so display it on my office walls. The ultimate in unearned rewards.
 

Comrade_Tovarich

Oh, the imagery! President Awesome is so, so, so, awesome!


Ah, as you might note by my avatar, I am Comrade Chairman Bernanke. I approve and endorse the CCCP and will enjoy wielding my fiscal fairness faithfully, friends.

As I will enjoy collecting your contributions to the Party Comrade. You do have some contribution, For the Children­™, do you not? Yes, I am sure you do Comrade. We all must do what we can as you know....OPM is what makes our world go round. Perhaps one day you too will be one of the more equal members of the upper Party so you can collect as well. It's quite a simple system as you must know by now. You collect contributions from your proles, which in turn is collected by responsible Inner Circle officials such as I.... and believe me, I am most responsible and take these duties very seriously.... after all, being a Marshal means my quota is quite a bit higher as you can imagine.
 

Colonel 7.62

Indeed Pupovich, I am royally offended at my lack of Beet of The Week(TM) titles. I have had to console myself by feeling morally superior for that which I am deprived of. That, and using my Director of the Space/Time Continuum(TM) Powers to tap into an alternate universe where I did get Beet of The Week(TM) and so display it on my office walls. The ultimate in unearned rewards.

I know all too well. As many comrades as I have denounced only to keep getting another shovel... one would think that I would at least get some golden shovels like Commissarka Pinkie by now. Instead she keeps swinging at me for some unknown reason. Do you know how many of my body doubles have been injured over the years by her? It is getting harder and harder to find volunteers....of course, that isn't that big a problem since I really don't require them to volunteer. Actually, most are still quite willing, being still wedded to old fashioned bourgeois ideas such as loyalty and devotion to their parents, wives, or children, not wishing to see them suffer and all.

You are most fortunate to be Director of Space/Time Continuum Comrade. Time is truly one of the most pervasive and classical progressive concepts. After all, much like President Obama's qualification to be president, time does not really exist per se, it is but a man made concept. There is no "time" out there other than it is something we measure with a clock. Most proles do not understand this, like your basic voter. Time is truly progressive. My time is not the same as yours, and everyone has their own time so to speak. Why, did you know that if you are on top of a ladder, then your "time" run's slower than someone on the ground? Most people think that is nonsense, but I know you know better. In fact, we have instruments sensitive enough that they have even measured this difference within the space of a basement under a university's physic's department. Why is this our uninformed prole may ask? Because when you are on a ladder, upstairs etc, then you are further from the center of gravity, in this case, the earth. Time dilation comrades! Time dilation! When a prole runs from me when he sees me coming to collect my OPM, technically "time" runs a bit slower for him than mine....at least till I do catch up, and then of course one of two things happen.... either the prole's time end's completely, or his time will slow even more so than mine since I will then be slowed down a bit more by the weight of the OPM I collect. Ah "time," it makes me drool with socialist pride!
 

Marshal Pupovich

Certified Cash Cards for the People (CCCP)
What about Certified Credit Cards for the People?
 

ACORN will issue those Comrade.
 

Doy! I should of known that.
 

Will the credit cards be red or green? I already know they'll be platinum for Party members?
 

Plastic cards just won't do comrades... they cause too much of a carbon footprint on Mother Gaia. So first you best come up with some durable, yet environmentally friendly substance.

As for me, I am old fashioned. I like the feel of old fashioned paper, OPM in my greedy paws.
 

Comrade Marshal Pupovich,

A valid point, concern for Gaia. Perhaps we can use the New York Times as currency, much as Pravda was used both to spread information--the currency of our progressive age--and wipe fecal matter away with more power than Mr. Clean.

This OPM, is that Obama's Progressive Machinations, Obama's Phoney Money, or something else?
 

OPM traditional meaning.... Other People's Money

This you should know had you undergone proper re-education course Comrade!
 

Comrade Marshal Pupovich,

I had hoped for something more suitable to our new Age, such as Obama Payola Moolah, Officials' Play Money, or O-Print-Me.
 

I don't think there is any reason to hold to one hard and fast definition of OPM Comrade Marshal. After all, if Comrade Tovarich *feels* better thinking it means Officials' Play Money, or whatnot, who are we to judge if that is correct? All that matters is that it is correct for him, and feels right.

That said it makes me feel good when I say how tired I am of sneaking into Pupovich's Pleasure Palace with forged admission passes and gas attacks on the guards there.
 

Colonel 7.62

That said it makes me feel good when I say how tired I am of sneaking into Pupovich's Pleasure Palace with forged admission passes and gas attacks on the guards there.

Guards? Guards? Do you think I would waste perfectly good OPM for guards? You have no doubt been suckered into some fly by night imposter's copy of my Palace. Dear Lenin....no doubt an establishment that did not take the proper precautions when it came to "staffing." May Marx have mercy on your diseased souless body.
 

Comrades,

What is the approved Party replacement for "Amen" in situations such as the foregoing where one wishes to denote approval and consent?
 

My guess would be "Pravda"... Since we have all come to associate that word with "Progressive Truth". How sad wonderful for the Russian language!

However, I am merely a low-level Party official, whose obscene equal salary depends upon the benevolence of the Politburo... surely they would know.
 

Marshal Pupovich

Colonel 7.62

That said it makes me feel good when I say how tired I am of sneaking into Pupovich's Pleasure Palace with forged admission passes and gas attacks on the guards there.

Guards? Guards? Do you think I would waste perfectly good OPM for guards? You have no doubt been suckered into some fly by night imposter's copy of my Palace. Dear Lenin....no doubt an establishment that did not take the proper precautions when it came to "staffing." May Marx have mercy on your diseased souless body.


Damn, the sign said "POPovich's Palace of Pleasures..." Looks like the directions I stole from Pinkie's computer were not accurate. Good thing I use a rain coat.
 

Well, we all make errors now and then Comrade Colonel, else we would be as the Obama!
 

Pravda!