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Kylo Rahm destroys hotel bathroom, chokes out intern

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HAVANA, Cuba – News that city police had fatally shot two more black residents was met with a violent reaction today from Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel as he was enjoying a ten-day vacation in Cuba. Upon receiving word of the killings from unpaid intern Paul Waters, Emanuel reportedly drew a ragged lightsaber from his day pack and, in a fit of rage, proceeded to demolish the lobby men's room of the Iberostar Parque Central Hotel.

It was well known that Emanuel had constructed a lightsaber during his intensive four-year apprenticeship under Supreme Leader Obama, but he only recently began showing signs of instability. Possibly the clearest warning came a few days before the Christmas holiday, when he ordered the Cook County Clerk of Court to officially change his name to Kylo Rahm.

Waters, whose duties during a Winter break internship with the Mayor's Office primarily consisted of delivering craft beer and bad news to the mayor, was the only witness to the outburst. Recovering from severe neck trauma at Hospital Hermanos Ameijeiras, Waters was able to briefly describe the scene.

“The mayor has been under a lot of stress, with the city police department under federal investigation over its use of deadly force against minorities. The constant protests, the calls for his resignation... nobody wanted to tell him about the new killings, but I really needed the college credit and something to put on my resume.

“I gave him the news as I was drying his hands, and he seemed calm as he considered it, but a few seconds later he ignited that weapon and began smashing it into every fixture he could reach. That went on for a while, then he slowly cut a urinal cake in half and asked me if there was anything else. I told him that Al Sharpton was on MSNBC demanding that he cancel his vacation and step down, and that's the last thing I remember.”

After the incident, Cuban authorities observed Rahm boarding a shuttle to Playas del Este, but declined to pursue. Through an interpreter, Policía Nacional Revolucionaria spokesman Ernesto Esteban told reporters that “Kylo Rahm will be confronted after he has a chance to enjoy our famous cigars and rum.”


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Kilroy wrote:Waters, whose duties during a Winter break internship with the Mayor's Office primarily consisted of delivering craft beer and bad news to the mayor, was the only witness to the outburst.
I think that's better than delivering craft news and bad beer. That's been my experience with the USSA.

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Kilroy wrote:
“I gave him the news as I was drying his hands, and he seemed calm as he considered it, but a few seconds later he ignited that weapon and began smashing it into every fixture he could reach. That went on for a while, then [highlight=#ffff00]he slowly cut a urinal cake in half [/highlight]and asked me if there was anything else. I told him that Al Sharpton was on MSNBC demanding that he cancel his vacation and step down, and that's the last thing I remember.”

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"Urinal Cake Justice!" Good old Rahm - always leaving something for the less fortunate among us.

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[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] spoke intimately of the horrors of urinal cakeboarding when he wrote: "[highlight=#ffff00]Urinal Cake Justice![/highlight]" Good old Rahm - always leaving something for the less fortunate among us.
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