Comrades!

As many of you already know the People's Navy has recently started an ECO-Backfit program for previously commissioned ships of the People's fleet. The People's Socialist Ship P.S.S Spotted Owl was the first to receive this glorious upgrade. A floating beet field, cleverly disguised as a floating golf course, to lull all potential counter-revolutionaries, that this vessel was harmless and no threat to them at all.

Commodore:

If I may be so bold as to offer a suggestion that would kill two birds teabaggers with one stone?

Two words: Galley Slaves... It solves your problems and many of the Parties problems in one fell swoop. Allow me to explain...


1) Galley Slaves ... a traditional, combat proven method of maritime propulsion. With unemployment nearing 10%, there are several who might be enticed to join the Peoples' Navy for the pay and benefits (Yes, this costs money, but I'm coming to that). When you advertise, make sure the contract is in excess of 1000-pages long filled with all sorts of complex details buried inside (e.g. you'll be paid in Zim Dollars, your healthcare will be covered under the “Complete Circles of LifeTM” system, your retirement package will be covered under the “Complete Circles of LifeTM” system, etc.). The eager recruits should be rushed to sign it without reading it…tell them: "Sign it NOW! berths are limited and filling fast!" Once you set sail, it'll be too late.

If you do not garner a suitable number of oarsmen persons, then you may select any number of suitable draftees from the [email protected] State Enemies list…it beats warehousing them in a Montana gulag sucking up the People's Rations with no real productivity in return...most inefficient. What you do is float a spam email offering them a FREE “luxury cruise” to discuss ways that the ‘Conservative Movement' can take back the country (LOL). The phishy email should mention that Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin (in a string bikini that would make Prejean blush…Palin in the bikini…not Limbaugh or Beck) will be on hand to lead seminars and discussion groups. You'll have to beat them off with a shovel! Again, once you set sail, it'll be too late.

And the mouse problem…coming to that…


2) Rodent Infestation…Galley slaves must or at least should be fed occasionally or the power plant performance begins to taper off. But there's no sense carrying aboard elaborate rations for your new crew members. When they start whining about being hungry, just tell them they'll need to hunt down their own food…namely the mice (but only when they're not standing watch of course.

...and since they love competition, what better way to motivate your crewmembers than with a little, friendly "survival of the fittest" as they scurry about chasing the odd mouse. This will also prevent mutiny as they'll be too busy fighting one another of meager scraps of rodent flesh to collude with one another. To add to that, copetition and drive builds efficiency...at least when it comes to rodent extermination onboard.

Expired crewmembers also need not be buried at sea. They may be promoted to Compostmen to tend to that fine greenery on the weather deck. Likewise, carbom emissions from the galley slaves (in the form of exhaled carbon dioxide and flatulance) belowdecks is off-set by the green grass topside
There…problem solved!

Respectfully Submitted.


Com. Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Under Assistant (3rd Class) to the Deputy Vice Secretary Kommissar
for Unfastened Ordinance and Other Miscellaneous Armaments

Comrade Commodore, may I suggest turning a couple of Che monsters loose? Although you don't want them to get into your weapons locker... They did that at my base one time, and shot the whole place up. They did kill that pesky cockroach that was in the kitchen though. And 300 guardsmen, 50 proles, shredded two beet fields, and wiped out a health care ration line.

Comrade REG,

Galley Slaves, an absolute brilliant suggestion! Though after an initial test run there are a few bugs I still have to work out, on the actually putting this revolutionary new green concept to be a viable alternate propulsion source.

In order to create harmony in the crew and not let the stronger members take advantage of the weaker ones (as you now all progs are equal, just some are more equal than others) I placed all the strong rowers on the port side of the ship and the less 'buff' members on the starboard side and started pounding the drums.

It was a sight Comrade! The ship was slow at first but then she started to move majestically across the water as she gained headway and nary a sound of mechanical noise. It brought tears to this old salt's eyes, as if he was a Captain of a sailing Clipper ship of the days of old.

I was so excited, I thought to myself, "AHA, THIS IS IT A TOTALLY GREEN SHIP AT LAST". Then my Chief Quartermaster and ships navigator showed me the results of the initial course and the actual plot taken by her using galley slave power.

Seems we WERE GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES for some strange reason that I just can't figure out at the moment.

Don't fret Comrade though, after another Government grant of stimulus money that will be spent studying this perplexing problem I'll make this concept work.

Commodore:

Interesting you should mention that...

Our engineering team, after further considering the draft proposal, thought you might run into such an issue...and we have a solution!

Begin again with your stout oarsmenpersons on the port side, weaker ones to the starboard as before. Then, as SOON as you gain momentum and begin to sense your ship veering more than one or two points to starboard, have them switch sides! Repeat as necessary.

At first glance, this may seem inefficient; however, our team of Harvard trained engineers assures me that it is the best method. You see, having the Galley Slaves switch sides alterantely ensures they will have ample opportunity to stretch their legs...this will win brownie points with the Red Cross, Amnesty International, et al. by showing how humane you are (and perhaps snag up a Nobel Peace Prize in the process). Also, the leg-stretching prevents deep vein thrombosis.

Also, the engineers state that the mind-numbing Party Logic^TM of it all will break down the morale of your Galley Slaves beyond all hope of mutany...you may have to deal with deep sobbing ever now and again...especially among the conservatives, but it's worth the price for the carbon-neutrality...it could almost be musical!

Let me know how it works out.

Respectfully Submitted.


Com. Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Under Assistant (3rd Class) to the Deputy Vice Secretary Kommissar
for Unfastened Ordinance and Other Miscellaneous Armaments

Also, I do not recommend Com. Infidel Castrate's pictoral proposal (no offense)...The engineering team says that on furhter review, having Nanski Peloski, while it willl help reduce the rodent population, it won't completly sort out the trouble...they reckon there'll be at least three blind mice remaining for every 100 that scurry off...even if you leave Nanski with a carving knife to finsh the remnants, they'll likely only be maimed rather than killed...and the thought of Nansky in close quarters with a knife.... yeesh!

Also, they state that this...




...will eventually drive even the most party loyal crewmembers mad on longer voyages. You'd have to toss her overboard eventually, and you'd still be stuck with breeding blind mice.

Respectfully Submitted.


Com. Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Under Assistant (3rd Class) to the Deputy Vice Secretary Kommissar
for Unfastened Ordinance and Other Miscellaneous Armaments

Raum Emmanual Goldstein wrote:Also, I do not recommend Com. Infidel Castrate's pictoral proposal (no offense)...The engineering team says that on furhter review, having Nanski Peloski, while it willl help reduce the rodent population, it won't completly sort out the trouble...they reckon there'll be at least three blind mice remaining for every 100 that scurry off...even if you leave Nanski with a carving knife to finsh the remnants, they'll likely only be maimed rather than killed...and the thought of Nansky in close quarters with a knife.... yeesh!

Also, they state that this...

...will eventually drive even the most party loyal crewmembers mad on longer voyages. You'd have to toss her overboard eventually, and you'd still be stuck with breeding blind mice.

Respectfully Submitted.


Com. Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Under Assistant (3rd Class) to the Deputy Vice Secretary Kommissar
for Unfastened Ordinance and Other Miscellaneous Armaments

I think then perhaps it would be best not to frighten them, just lure them out this way, and it won't make the crew sick either.


Or this depending on the mouse's sexual orientation. (Fitted on a appropriate model of course)

Er.... I don't know if that will help with the rodents.... but you'll definitely attract more RethugliKKKan galley slaves with her on the recruiting poster!

Raum Emmanual Goldstein wrote:Er.... I don't know if that will help with the rodents.... but you'll definitely attract more RethugliKKKan galley slaves with her on the recruiting poster!

She probably will get the Commodore all wee weed up as well.

I had to fix the link on the 2nd picture.

Have her holding a shotgun or an assault rifle with the suggestion that she'll accompanying them on a moose hunt with Sarah Palin, and.... I don't think you have enough room on that ship!

Raum Emmanual Goldstein wrote:Have her holding a shotgun or an assault rifle with the suggestion that she'll accompanying them on a moose hunt with Sarah Palin, and.... I don't think you have enough room on that ship!

I would prefer to go on a Beaver hunt with Sarah.

Well.... That's why you and are not RethugliKKKans, Comrade!