Dateline Nairobi, Kenya -

Both medical and theological experts spoke out today following the slaughter of at least 39 innocents in a Nairobi mall today by Islamic terrorists freedom fighters, stating that there are absolutely no similarities between the results of following Islam and those of contracting rabies.

"Any seeming similarities are only superficial," stated Dr. Muhammad Akbar Mohammed, MD, PhD at a press conference outside the mall. "In reality, Islam is a religion of peace, while, as we know, rabies is a disease that whips its victims up into a frothing-at-the-mouth killing frenzy."

Included among the dead today was radio personality Ruhila Adatia-Sood, who posted this photo to Instagram moments before she was gunned down. Ruhila was in the mall to host a children's cooking event.

The terrorists freedom fighters told the crowd that all Muslims could leave, and after several people walked out they started shooting, leaving at least 39 dead and many injured, including Americans. They are currently still in the mall with hostages.

The Islamic group reponsible, al-Shabaab, is affiliated with American allies in Syria, Al Qaeda.

People... we all know that our Dear Leader would admonish us not to read to much into this or be hasty in our judgments. Let us not forget that Islam has time and time again proven itself a bastion of peace and non-violence.

Perhaps the Kenyan freedom fighters were on a shopping trip to the mall, and were threatened with physical violence by younger shoppers. Naturally, they had the right and obligation to defend themselves against aggressive capitalists like those shown.

Perhaps there will be a White House press conference that will put this incident behind us.

https://www.startribune.com/world/224696522.html?page=2&c=y"
The U.S. State Department condemned "this senseless act of violence that has resulted in death and injury for many [ONLY NON-MISLOOMIC] innocent men, women, and children."
In a separate statement, a White House spokeswoman said some staff at the U.S. Embassy in Kenya have been "tragically affected" by the attack. [AS OPPOSED TO RAPED OR MURDERED, WHICH MIGHT BE AN OK THING]. No other information was provided.

"The perpetrators of this heinous act must be brought to justice, [THE LATER THE BETTER, HEY, WE ARE STILL WORKING TO GET THOSE GUYS WE ID'D IN BEN-WHEREVER] and we have offered our full support to the Kenyan Government to do so," Caitlin Hayden, a spokeswoman for the White House National Security Council, said in the statement. The U.S. embassy in Nairobi said it was in contact [WAITING FOR SEX] with local authorities and offered [TO BUY BLOW-JOB] assistance. Some British security personnel assisted in the response." [US SECURITY PERSONNEL, HOWEVER, WERE ORDERED TO STAND DOWN, BECAUSE, HEY, ALLAHU AKBAR IS JUST WORKPLACE VIOLENCE, EVEN IF THERE IS NO WORKPLACE IN SIGHT!]

We can sleep tight tonight knowing that the murder of non-mooslims has been officially condemned; that some embassy staff have been "tragically affected" (which, it must be supposed, is worse than being raped and murdered); and, that sooner or later when it is politically expedient Hillary is elected we will be enlightened with the question of what, after all, difference does it make to the meager existence to the as-yet-to-be-created-database-of-absentee-voters. There are no "people", only LIVs to buy ... with Tea Party tax-payer (only ones working) money. HAH! We should savor the irony like a 2hr vintage vodka.

Off topic. Albanians: https://ateistet.org/forum/t1000262

Perhaps dear leader will intervene and place one of their loyal comrades of al Qaeda, as the new President dear leader of Kenya. That has worked out so well, in the current past, has it not?

Fear not. We have boots on ground ... in gardeners' mud room at golf course. Other shoes remain in air. Meanwhile, evil Israeli forces have entered mall and have disrupted Religion of Peace™ festival by pulling out wounded victims and hostages partygoers.

Note: I return to add that US and UK troops have gone in to help. Not all boots are in the gardeners' mud rooms, thank God. (And that's not "Allahu ach-ptui.")

On a previous Faux News show, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) suggested that Faux News host Brian Kilmeade was Islamaphobic because he said that Syrian opposition groups shouting “Allahu Akhbar! Allahu Akhbar!” as rockets hit government offices demonstrated Islamist influence among the opposition. However, Senator McCain suggested that “Allahu Akhbar” is the same as Christians shouting “Thank God”!

Comrades, this is an example of what make us progressives better at understanding human nature. We simply must put aside the moral high ground in which to oppose these freedom fighters and at the same time we must never give up the need to support abortion rights for lesbians, same-sex marriage, bestiality and the euthanizing of the sick and elderly through Obamacare, which as you know have been the basic human rights that as progressives we have long fought for. I am quite sure that all the freedom fighters would shower Senator McCain with IED's and bullets while they sing “ Praise Allah in Heaven, for Habib walks the path of a Muslim” for his support!

And then there's Pakistan, where they just killed 75 coming out of a church service in a double suicide bombing...

One can't help but wonder if they shouted "Thank God!" right before they exploded.

Oh, and it looks like they've found the bodies, many beheaded, of 140+ killed in Nigeria last week...

Well, now, those freedom fighters - there they go again!

World peace at last! Thanks, Dear Leader!

Everyone knows that all of this violence happens because of "The Video". Just like everything wrong with Amerika is perpetually "Bush's fault".

State Department Commissar Kerry has just promised swift (boat) retribution:

[W]e pledge our commitment to do whatever we can to assist in bringing the perpetrators of this abhorrent violence to justice, and to continue our efforts to improve the lives of people across the globe.

Attacks like this can't change who we are, a people committed to peace and justice for all, but rather must reaffirm our determination to counter extremism and promote tolerance everywhere. As we prepare to bring the world's leaders together at the United Nations next week, we are reminded again in tragedy of our common humanity.

Yes, yes, evil YouTube film-maker must go right back to jail again! And noble saviors of world at UN must indeed ponder tragic existence of common peoples. Such a truly noble speech from State Department. Soon we will be hearing this:

Having been recently admonished for unbecoming frivolity in the face of serious subject matter, I am tempted to shut up. However, I have it on good and trustworthy authority that Ruhila Adatia-Sood was making a pork dish for the children's cooking event. This, I'm certain, was the cause of the commotion.

Comrade Squirrel, I believe that the dish in question was, umm, "pork chop style squirrel", but I could be wrong.

Meanwhile, I've actually - or literally, as Comrade Kerry would say - seen people on Twitter today calling the Nairobi mall slaughter "gun violence" - and begging the world to end it.

Quite informative, that Twitter. Some of the great minds of our time lurk there. There are "others" as well, but we pay them no mind.

Comrades, I am not persuaded, so I have consulted with eminent physician and expert on Islamic Epidemiology, Dr Winston Churchill, for a second opinion

"How dreadful are the curses that Mohammedism lays on its votaries. Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia is in a dog, there is a fearful fatalistic apathy."

Dr Churchill apparently noted the epidemiological similarities between rabies and Islam after clinical observations of an outbreak of rabid Muslim behavior in Omdurman, Sudan in 1899, which caused 30,000 Muslims to ride their camels into massed artillery and Maxim machine-gun fire for no apparent reason. I do not think his observations should be readily ignored.

Oh pshaw, Comrade Lennie! Is it any wonder Comrade President B. Hussein Obama sent the bust of Churchill back to Great Britain?

On the other hand, it's looking like if Comrade President had three sons they'd look like the three young men from Minnesota and Missouri who were fighting alongside the Somali Freedom Fighters at the Nairobi mall...

Pork chop style squirrel? Yes, that might cause a commotion as the undiciplined would crowd the serving counters for their ration of such a delicacy! I hope she was roasting with carrots and celery, and not taking the easier "pan-fry" escape...

It is also suspicious that this event coincided with the release of the Obamaphone I (O.U.) phone 5-S model... I do hope they were not trying to pawn off the 5-C in its stead to our less fortunate half-Kenyan comrades.