This story has nothing to do with politics. It has to do with a missing kitty and graphic design. But considering that our website has been long populated by cats and graphic designers who tend to get lost, we're posting it here.

It has come to us in a PDF format from Comrade Whoopie, and we converted it to HTML.

Story goes: Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help her with a "lost" poster. This is their email correspondence (from top to bottom)
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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say LOST.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

============================================================

UPDATE:

Our investigative team has discovered the source of this story: https://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

Turns out, David Thorne is a real designer and he runs his blog from Australia.

I am of ObamaHope that Harper Street is not near to the Chinese Town of such city. Jiaozi Kat is most favorite recipe among them.

Oh, this is terribly sad and I would hate to inform Shannon but I errr, found her kitty. And I will happily return it to her, when uh uh, I get it dug out of the tires of the pickup truck. It really doesn't look too bad.. one can almost make out a smile, umm, of sorts and I promise, we will try to restore it's... well, never mind.
Expect a COD package within the week, before it starts to smel.... well, never mind that either.

p.s. I swear I never saw it!!! Just when I got home I had to find out what the thump thump thumping was all about. Sorry. Really. It must have been committing suicide... I wasn't going over 45... well, OK, 55, but all the kids were off the street . . and if I hadn't had to swerve to miss that slow old lady on the sidewalk, I'm sure I'd never run up into the yard!! sorry

This caused me to have a copious flow of lacrimal fluid, as Daffy Duck would say.

And speaking of Daffy, this saga is also somewhat reminiscent of that old Looney Tunes classic, "Duck Amuck" in which Daffy is drawn/animated in various forms by Bugs Bunny.

I'm afraid Missy has run afoul of the notorious Ayn Rand serial killer Kitten eating cult that Red Rooster alerted us to.

That cat probably wants to stay "lost".

I've got cats. I like my cats. I still laughed my ass off about the time I hit the orange tabby poster and the message for it.

This is horrible comrades, I have upchucked all the chicken feed Red Square gave me all over my screen in horror. Poor, poor kitty.....

It is clear that the cat in Wormhole experiment functioned better than we ever could have planned. Anytime now, we expect Missy the Cat to leap out in front of George Bush just as he is about to sign some sort of nefarious bill, and bite his hand.

Barring that, I understand that the hollistic detective, Dirk Gently is good at recovering lost cats.

This is the address for his website...https://www.27bslash6.com/
Very funny stuff.

I fail to see the humor here. However its a nice story about a gifted designer who's vast talent is completely unappreciated by this silly, boring Shannon person, who seems to expect the creative creation for free.

The Central Scrutinizer wrote:This is the address for his website...https://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html
Very funny stuff.

You're right. Very funny. Never heard of him before. And the site also answers the question about his origins: Down Under. I bet if you were to spend all your days upside down, you'd also get one or two funny ideas about life.

You have found a useful site, many thanks. The following wilderness survival tip was worth the trip.

[table][tr][td]

Survival Tip #1

If you have water with you, drink it all immediately. There is a good chance you will be rescued before long so it is pointless being dehydrated. If you do run out of water, the trick to finding more in the wilderness is to remember that water always flows downhill. Find a hill and wait at the bottom. I read somewhere that if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine so I always take a two litre bottle of it wherever I go just in case.

[/td][/tr][/table]

Tip Link

Here is another website that is along the same vein, albeit, a tad more caustic and in your face, but still quite amusing. https://www.dontevenreply.com/

Hmmm, funny website. I used to think I was a smart ass, but now it appears I wasn't as smart as I thought I was.

It is Kruel Propaganda and jokes such as this that will destroy AmeriKa, not our Glorious Leader, Komrade Obama!
I've never laughed so hard in all of my life at this story, and the website for the joker e-mailer. Now, every time I see a story or hear about a missing cat, the poster with Missy oversized, and the "Extremely Emotional. I was in Tears" poster looking like a movie placard will pop into my head.

Red Square wrote:

The Central Scrutinizer wrote:This is the address for his website...https://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html
Very funny stuff.

You're right. Very funny. Never heard of him before. And the site also answers the question about his origins: Down Under. I bet if you were to spend all your days upside down, you'd also get one or two funny ideas about life.

Here is another good one.
https://www.dontevenreply.com/ Look for the "Disguised Weapons" one.

Chedoh wrote:Here is another good one.
https://www.dontevenreply.com/ Look for the "Disguised Weapons" one.

Hillarious - Mike is quite a guy and would make a fine new recruit to the Collective.

The Central Scrutinizer wrote:Here is another website that is along the same vein, albeit, a tad more caustic and in your face, but still quite amusing. https://www.dontevenreply.com/

I DENOUNCE Comrade Scrutinizer for beating me to it! Way to go and put yourself out there in front of people instead of being equally slow, "Comrade".

Chedoh wrote:

The Central Scrutinizer wrote:Here is another website that is along the same vein, albeit, a tad more caustic and in your face, but still quite amusing. https://www.dontevenreply.com/

I DENOUNCE Comrade Scrutinizer for beating me to it! Way to go and put yourself out there in front of people instead of being equally slow, "Comrade".

Unfortunately, I cannot be Denounced....Please refer to my profile, my purpose is to "Enforce the laws that haven't been passed yet", and as there is not yet a law against Denouncement, I am just enforcing said non-law. Now if you were to Un-denounce me, well then, I would humbly and willingly drop my head in shame.

Comrades,
Another post from this Thought Criminals website. Take note at his attempts to subvert the Government mandated rules, by using their own tactics against them. OUTRAGEOUS I Say!!!! I have sent him an email, letting him know that he is being closely scrutinized.
https://www.27bslash6.com/flash.htm

From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Friday 22 August 2009 3.40pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: computer room

Hello David
I tried to call you but your phone is off. Just letting you know that Seb bought a flash drive to school yesterday and copied a game onto the school computers which is against the school rules and he has been banned from using the computer room for the rest of the term.
Sincerely, Margaret

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 25 August 2009 9.16am
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,
Thankyou for your email. I am not answering my mobile phone at the moment as I am experiencing iPhone envy and every second spent using my Nokia is like being trapped in a loveless marriage. Where you stay together for the kids. And the kids all have iPhones.
I was not aware that my offspring taking software to school was in breach of school rules. Although the game is strategic and public domain, not to mention that it was I who copied and gave it to him, I agree that banning him from access to the computers at school is an appropriate punishment. Especially considering his enthusiasm for the subject.
Also, though physical discipline is not longer administered in the public school system, it would probably be appropriate in this instance if nobody is watching. I know from experience that he can take a punch.
Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Tuesday 26 August 2009 10.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: computer room

David
We would never strike a student and whether the software is pirated or not is not the issue. He denied having the drive which means he knew he shouldn't have it here then it was found in his bag so I feel the punishment is suitable.
Margaret

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 26 August 2009 11.04am
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,
Yes, I agree. Education and access to the tools necessary for such should always come secondary to discipline. When I was young, discipline was an accepted part of each school day. Once, when I coloured outside the lines, I was forced to stand in the playground with a sign around my neck that read 'non-conformist' while the other children pelted me with rubble from the recently torched school library. Apparently a copy of Biggles had been found behind a filing cabinet.
Another time, because I desperately wanted a Battlestar Galactica jacket like Apollo in the television series, using brown house paint from the shed at home, I painted my denim jacket and used Araldite to attach brass door hinges as clasps. Feeling that it was an excellent representation and despite the oil based paint still being soaking wet, I wore it to school the next day. Unfortunately, the paint dried while I was sitting in Mrs Bowman's English class, securing me to the chair. After the school handyman cut me free, I was sent to the principal for damaging school property. My punishment was to scrape wads of chewing gum off the bottom of every chair in the school after hours. It took several weeks and it was during this lonely time that I created my imaginary friend Mr Wrigley. During class, when the teacher was not looking, we would pass each other notes regarding the merits of disciplinary action and how one day we would own real Battlestar Galactica jackets.
Also, if you happen to see Seb eating anything over the next few weeks, please remove the food from him immediately. He forgot to feed his turtle last week and I feel a month without food will help him understand both the importance of being a responsible pet owner and the effects of malnutrition.
Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Tuesday 26 August 2009 4.10pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David
I hope you are not being serious about the food but I am forwarding your email to the principal as per school policy.
Margaret

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 27 August 2009 11.18am
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,
Rest assured I would not really withhold nutritional requirements from any child. Except maybe that one that starred in the Home Alone movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration and have found, since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with froot loops, I am able to move small objects with my mind.
Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side so he should be alright. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.
Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible so I would appreciate you not filling his head with these fanciful notions.
Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Wednesday 27 August 2009 2.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David
I have no idea what your point is. I will speak to the principal about the ban but you have to understand that only government approved software is allowed on the computers and Seb knew this rule.
Margaret

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 27 August 2009 2.17pm
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,
I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age.
Just this week I found a Sue Townsend novel in Seb's bag that I do not believe is on the school approved reading list. Do not concern yourself about it making its way to the school yard though as we attended a community book burning last night. Although one lady tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding Mayan codices and the Alexandrian Libraries, I mentioned to the High Magus that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow's milk sour and the mob took care of the rest.
Regards, David.

From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Thursday 28 August 2009 11.56am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David,
I have spoken to the principal and in this instance we will lift the ban.
Margaret

If these emails are legit, this guy really has a gift for wearing down the bureaucratic mindset.

Comrades,

Please stay real quiet, I'll have Missy back in just a few more minutes unless she wises up real fast(nice and fluffy after wards to boot).

OK, she's in. Push Spin.

Reminds of the time I seen two pilots standing over a dead cat laying face down with it's legs splayed out. The one pilot said to the other "That's $20 you owe me, I told you it would land on it's feet."

I have a solution for the lady in need of a new cat.

Apparently the Col. has been using wormhole technology to produce 2 dimensional "flat cats."

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Apparently the Col. has been using wormhole technology to produce 2 dimensional "flat cats."

Also known as "Sail Cats"

The Smiling Kitty The Central Scrutinizer wrote:Unfortunately, I cannot be Denounced....

Unless your birth name was Djugashvilli, this is an utterly false statement. The Party can and will denounce whoever it damn well pleases whenever it is pleased to do so. Scrutinize that real careful-like before you pronounce yourself teflon-coated.

And let me second that most valid observation by The Party's resident brain, in fact, being a smiling cat we find it most suspicious that you did not partake in your Fried Rat On A Stick served up in The People's Cafeteria this fine Red Dawn.

Fur ball caught in your throat?

I think I found her. I'm faxing her over now. I think it is a her?

Red Square wrote:This story has nothing to do with politics. It has to do with a missing kitty and graphic design. But considering that our website has been long populated by cats and graphic designers who tend to get lost, we're posting it here.

Nothing to do with politics you say? As they say, all politics are local. and besides, I like this ever helpful graphics designer. Surely we have an opening on the staff of MiniTrue?