My Hero Mark Morford at the Rancho de Rio Grande

Since I am a made progressive, one of my heroes is Mark Morford, who understands better than anyone else the horrors of Republicans, and some of his most insightful work is here. Here is an example:
~

Herr Morford

It used to be so easy. Every day, every headline, every pronouncement or misunderestimation from Dubya brought a new opportunity for your colon to clench and your breath to turn sour and the universe's skin to crawl. A single glance at Karl Rove and you were instantly swarmed with visions of tiny worms eating through the flesh of a sweet little bunny until it turned black and rotten and Rick Santorum. You had but to utter the words "Trent Lott" in the presence of children and the screaming wouldn't subside for three straight days. Remember?
Is there anything more beautiful to your ears? Such cadence in his prose, such a ring of truth. Worms and the flesh of a sweet little bunny. If only Wordsworth had his skill.

There’s more:

Quote:

Many spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual) identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul.
This is thinking of a high order—higher than reasoning. It is feeling, or more probably, fweewing.

~
But one thing bothered me: this continual drum-beat of rage. Don’t get me wrong—I can sit up all night hating the Rethuglicans with the best of them, while I’m not engaging in typical prog functions of stealing, preening, and lying, and so I like a fellow traveler as long as he doesn’t have my passwords or a key to the house. But there was something just a bit...much...about the volume of Mr. Morford’s prose.

I recall when I was in high school I was the worst fag basher around. I made the worst queer jokes. I wanted to draw attention away from the secret that I bore. And so that sound was familiar...

Last night the doorbell at the Rancho de Rio Grande rang and Bruno ran in his platform mules to the door like an overcaffeinated puppy. When it wasn’t a delivery for him, he called out, “Theocritus! It’s some, like, strange man for you.” I went to the door and the man was Mark Morford.


“Theocritus, can I talk to you?” he asked, staring at his shuffling feet.

Nonplussed I said, “By all means, Mark, come in. Here. Let me take your coat.” I put it on the coat rack which has a built-in scale. Weigh a prog’s coat in, weigh it out. Cuts down on the losses.

I led him to the den and asked him to sit and cleared my throat.

“Theocritus, I have been thinking, and it’s been very hard. I don’t know how to say this…”

“Just say it,” I offered, giving him my kindest non-impaling eyes.

“I’ve been writing about the Repugs for years and you know how I feel…”

“It’s obvious, Mark, for anyone with eyes,” I interrupted soothingly.

“…but lately I’ve been wondering. What about all that stimulus debt. Won’t someone have to, like, uh…”

“What, Mark?” I asked my tone a bit sharp.

“Like, uh, pay it back?”

I started laughing. “My god, Mark, you’re doing stand-up now. You're funnier than Margaret Cho, well, who isn't? But don't worry. That will happen like months or years from now and we'll find someone to blame it on. The Repugs of course.”

“But will there be enough money to pay it back without everyone working all his life to do it?”

“Hell, no, we’ll just inflate the currency and pay it back with useless dollars.”

“But,” and here he was visibly sweating, “isn’t that like, uh, fraud? And will people lend to us any more?”

“Mark,” I said sternly, “Do you think that you should concern yourself with economics when luminaries like Paul Krugman will do your thinking for you? And in The New York Times? The paper of record?”

“Aren’t they broke because no one is reading it?”

“Mark, this is getting to be dangerous territory… I’d think carefully if I were you before I'd continue.”

Mark had settled down and was not so nervous.

“And, Theocritus,” here he shot me a defiant look, “I think that actions should have consequences.”

I put my hands over my ears and screamed, “La la la la la la. I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!”

“Theocritus, I’ve thought a lot about it. I repeat. Actions should have consequences!”

“Dear Stalin, make it stop! Make the pain stop! Please make the pain stop,” I shouted, weak and pale, sweating bullets. Finally I ran out of breath, and tears, and my hands fell to my sides. “Mark, why have you done this to me? Why?”

“Theocritus, I came here to ask your advice. I know that you know how to come out of a closet. I think…” he hesitated then squared his shoulders, “…that I am a Republican.”

The room swirled around me and I struggled to catch my breath.

“And I want your advice on how to come out of the closet. As a Republican.”

"WTF are you doing, Morford? I don't mind if people think I'm a pervert, but I'd die if people thought I was a Republican."

At that point I passed out, and woke in the hospital a week later on a ventilator.

------------
A tip of the ushanka to Red Rooster for the shopping
 

Oh my Lenin! Mark Morford has lost his tinfoil hat transmissions again!

Laika, Laika, Laika, come in Laika, earth to Laika, Mark Morford in need of transmission, Summa Cum Laude San Francisco Bay Area.

Don't worry Commissar, Lakia has been transmitting signals on overdrive to the Bay Area since 1957. Once Mark Morford leaves Texas and gets back to SF, I'm sure everything will be progoriffic again!
 

I'm going to install a Turbo Jiffi-Lobo at the Rancho very shortly to make sure that things can't get that far out of control again.
 

Commissar Theocritus

I'm going to install a Turbo Jiffi-Lobo at the Rancho very shortly to make sure that things can't get that far out of control again.While you're at it, I can offer my new super powered tin-foil hats, complete with commie-powered reciever.

 

Comrade Elliot, does that thing have to be fed like the Iranian pet snipers, or can you hook it up and leave it alone? I suppose if you give it enough People's Herb(TM) it can keep going...
 

Colonel 7.62

Comrade Elliot, does that thing have to be fed like the Iranian pet snipers, or can you hook it up and leave it alone? I suppose if you give it enough People's Herb(TM) it can keep going...This chap is just a model, but plug it into a People's Outlet, and it's all you need.
 

Ahh there is my problem. I downgraded to a Not For the People Outlet when I got promoted. I will have to redistribute some prole's People's Outlet.
 

Comrades! I have an idea. There are all those old 12' satellite dishes which are pretty much obsolete now. They can be used for industrial-action-strength receipt of the Current Truth from Noble Space Dog Laika.

This has been constructed for the DNC headquarters.
 

Commissar! Agent Gorleftik recently spotted Mark Morford at DNC HeadQuarters:


 

Part of Mark's confusion may also be that he's torn between love for Obama and himself.

http://markmorfordyoga.com/

I do say, his written works are testimonials to the effectiveness of yoga, and maybe even meditation.

Like Mark himself, I could feast my gaze upon his pecs and tattoos all day. I think he should get together with that guy who does the pictures of a naked Obama with pancakes and unicorns.
 

I just noticed how Markie Mark looks like a cousin of Bill Kristol of The Weekly Standard.

Ooh. Spit. Spit.
 

Theocritus, what have you been doing old friend. I have been away much too long, Fluffy and I have been on sabbatical. Soooooo Morford has been hanging out again, Please dear friend let a few of My Goons Highly trained troopers take him out and beat the sh#* out ofshow him around. This Arrogant prick This fine human has a bad case of verbal diarrheaquite a flair with words. Yes he talks a progressive talk but does he walk the walk.

Perhaps I could offer him some of our famous Hemlock Hospitality.

Anyway Let me know if I can help.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitalityä INC
Director of Kicking Doors atMidnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith
 

Red Rooster

Commissar! Agent Gorleftik recently spotted Mark Morford at DNC HeadQuarters:



You've put both Theo and my ideas into one great picture, Brilliant!

 

Red Star, I wondered where you were. I wasn't sleep well without the sound of doors being kicked in.

Yes, I think Comrade Mark Morford Moonbat (that's another 3M--do you think that Mikael the Moonbat Mime will be jealous?) could use some Hemlock Hospitality. But you know, there may be times that we don't want the full Hemlock treatment, and just some treatment to make people a bit, ah, more suggestible and biddable. We need to ask Che Gourmet about some recipes with roofies in them. Recall that the roofie makes someone more suggestible; it has been called the date-rate drug. Well, I can think of lots of sorts of rape which do not require intercourse.

Because I'm a Made Prog.
 

Comrade Theocritus,

Is that really you leaning against the Chevy truck? OMG.

About Mark--did you ever wonder if there might not be something in the water, and that perhaps you are immune to it, but he was not?

I'll be sure to bring along some kind of water filtrator when we visit you in Culo de Pecos.
 

No, that is perhaps an avatar. Or a Doppelganger. Even many years ago when I made studious efforts, forswearing everything that I liked to eat, I was never that thin. No one in my family ever was. I come from sturdy peasant stock, which seems to be nearly indestructible.
 

Commissar Theocritus

No, that is perhaps an avatar. Or a Doppelganger....

All the Woompa Loompa's go wild every time you say this word! If you ever visit The Factory, bring this word with you and you'll have rock star status, like his B.O'ness.
 

I've another one for you, which was also on WWJD:

I just realized that if Janet Napolitano, Janet Reno, Nancy Pelosi, and Barbara Boxer formed a square around our Many Titted Empress, they would have a quincunx.

Would quincunx make the Woompa Loompas quiver and shiver with a frisson?
 

Quincunx! Why yes! And with the other monogamous die rolling a 2, you would have a craps dream! Dear leader, now the woompa loompa are clamoring for a trip to Vegas with you... They want to be your entourage and they would love to hear you sing "I Left My Doppelganger in My Quincunx" at the Leslie Lizard Lounge. Oh the shreeking! You must stop getting the woompa loompas excited Commissar, it's cutting into productivity on the assembly line.
 

Oh dear. As a matter of fact once I did leave my Doppelganger in the quincunx, and I had to get a new Doppelganger. It turned really mean and really stupid. It was mean enough to chase off the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits, but they soon realized how stupid it had become and even the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits started laughing at it. The nano Jimmy Carter rabbits think that Bruno is smart, by the way.

I got rid of my stupid Doppelganger by having the Cher monster sing at it. By the time she finished growling and chewing her consonants at it, it collapsed on the floor, and I threw it into the Rio Grande.
 

Comrades,

I am unfamiliar with this Munford fellow, but in times of crises like this, I think it wise to turn for guidance to Comrade Stalin: "No man, no problem." This catchy phrase solves personnel problems internal and external.

With great relish to I embrace the coming National Harm Health that will make Comrade Stalin's four-word slogan state policy.
 

Commissar Theocritus

I got rid of my stupid Doppelganger by having the Cher monster sing at it. By the time she finished growling and chewing her consonants at it, it collapsed on the floor, and I threw it into the Rio Grande.
Must of been that bad if you called in the Cher monster.
 

Only the Reagan Jelly Beans are worse than the Cher Monster; they are the nuclear option. As opposed to the nuclar option, which is the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits.

But you cannot be a good prog on land where the Reagan jelly beans have been used for a good while--their half life is 20 years.
 

(off)
Where, Russia or America? (Rhetorical)
 

The Reagan jelly beans were strong and good until about 1994 when they started declining in efficacy. In 2006 they reached the point of uselessness, and the present Rethuglican party is proof of it.
 

I thought you said they had a shelf-life of twenty years? The Republicans just need to come up with a better jelly bean -- a Libertarian kind of jelly bean.
 

It seems that anything that gets inside the Beltway becomes gloriously statist. People inside the Beltway think Big Thoughts and have Big Ideas, which drive other thoughts and ideas out of their minds. If there were term limits for everything, things would be a lot better.
 

{off}
This is true. But have you heard of the battle Tim Pawlenty is fighting up in Minnesota? Even the nano Jimmie Carter rabbits are no match for what he is up against. They want to tax internet sales and circumvent the constitution. "They" are the DFL's. You and I are harbored in Texas, for now. We are lucky the DFL's do not live here.
 

CDW, Mac Zone, and Apple all tax computer sales. How very irritating.
 

Leninka

{off}
This is true. But have you heard of the battle Tim Pawlenty is fighting up in Minnesota? Even the nano Jimmie Carter rabbits are no match for what he is up against. They want to tax internet sales and circumvent the constitution. "They" are the DFL's. You and I are harbored in Texas, for now. We are lucky the DFL's do not live here.
(off)
Unfortunately, I'm living in Minnesota with all these Democrat F_cken Labor party members in the state doing what good DFLers do. Thank God you live far from them.
 

Comrade Elliott,

I think you must learn the local art of ice fishing. Then you take DLFers for a good time inside your spacious shed where nobody can see bodies become fish food. It's not only effective, it's sustainable and eco-friendly!
 

Would it poison the fish?
 

The lakes I live near by are radioactive themselves, so I don't think a bag of crap would do much to it.

 

Be glad you don't have Comrade Senator Jim "Frogface" Webb (S-VA) as your senator, Comrade Elliott!
 

Texas Senators are revoltingly non-Prog. I sigh for the days of Lloyd Bentson, whose father made money in land scams. And Ralph Yarborough. And let's not forget LBJ. Ah. For years there was only one FM station in the People's Republic of Austin, KLBJ. No competition. And for years UPS couldn't serve Texas; I'm told Lady Bird had an interest in Tex-Pack.

And in her will she left a million dollars to stink weeds. I think she calls them wild flowers. She also fought billboards along the highway. In West Texas that's what keeps you from going to sleep.
 

Zampolit Blokhayev

Be glad you don't have Comrade Senator Jim "Frogface" Webb (S-VA) as your senator, Comrade Elliott!
Eh, I can understand your hatred of Frogface Webb comrade, and even though the legal battle over the Senate seat is still going on, I'd find it worse to have that prick as my Senator.

It's like Abacardius Rex (sorry if there was a misspell) put it, "Are Minnesotans crazy? First a Wrestler, now a Al Franken?" I think he put some adjective for Al Frankenstien, but he's not a comedian, and his radio show tanked, so he's not a radio host anymore.
 

Ladies and Gentlemen. I have been retained by Mark Morford to defend his honor, you know what I mean? This is my first case since I got my law degree from the Texas School of Law and Cosmetology in Brownsville. I like so wanted to do the cosmetology, you know what I mean, and I signed up and went to all the classes but just couldn't do a finger wave just right and so the dean said, "I give you. You'll just have to be a lawyer." And so I am a lawyer. I have a real nice sheepskin, with a finger wave.

Oh, whatever. If I can't burn hair I guess I'll be a lawyer.

Mark Morford is like so pissed at all of you for making fun of him. He thinks that you're being ableist just because when he does his yoga he falls on his head a lot. Frankly he scares me, you know what I mean? Like, he gets all excited, you know? And all this foam comes out of his mouth, you know? And his eyes pop out and he shouts and gasps, you know what I mean?

So he's like so going to sue you for everything that you have, he tells me, and I rolled my eyes and said, "Mark, they don't like have anything so you can't get it." And Mark started yelling, you know what I mean, "I don't give a shit whether they have anything! I'm going to take it! They better get some so I can take it!"

By then I was so over Mark and all that drama, you know what I mean? And so I said, "Mark, what about some chilaxin? All that rage just isn't cool. You're like, so, red in the face, you know what I mean?"

"Shut up you silly fairy and sue them!"

I just like shrugged and rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever, Mark, whatever."

That man scares me. I had to listen to Babs for two hours. "Memories... Memories..."
 

Bruno,

I hear Sacha Baron Cohen is portraying you in your movie autobiography about your youth. How's that working out for you? And what will Theocritus and Perez say when they see it?

--
Blokhayev
 

Oh Jeez. I wish that silly Cohen would STFU. Bruno denies being old although I've seen bats with smaller wings under bridges in Austin. You have no idea what it's like living with the queen of drama queens.

One moment it's a stage show. Then it's towering rage. Then it's tears. And even the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits are starting to sneer. "Nuclar! Nuclar! Sniff!'
 

Commissar_Elliott

Leninka

{off}
This is true. But have you heard of the battle Tim Pawlenty is fighting up in Minnesota? Even the nano Jimmie Carter rabbits are no match for what he is up against. They want to tax internet sales and circumvent the constitution. "They" are the DFL's. You and I are harbored in Texas, for now. We are lucky the DFL's do not live here.
(off)
Unfortunately, I'm living in Minnesota with all these Democrat F_cken Labor party members in the state doing what good DFLers do. Thank God you live far from them.

{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
 

Her Highness Esq. Bruno,

What evidence does the barking Moonbat Mark Morford have for a case, did she get her progressive feelings hurt?



She looks like she might make a good date for a queen of queens, such as yourself. A one night stand in the Lower Polk, maybe? Did you take her on a date, Bruno? Will she feign and turn tale if we sick Perez Hilton on her? She's not nearly as cute as you, Bruno, and not half the prog, so we wonder why you would even represent her?

As Comrades for Socialist Serenity(TM), these are questions we must have answers to Heir Council Bruno!
 

Leninka

{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?
 

Commissar_Elliott

Leninka

{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?

Ah yes Kitty Cats, here kittttyyyy, kitty, kitty... come closer kitty, look into my eye, kitty. If there is one thing a Rooster despises, it's kitty cats!

But here are the evil links for this kitty, Commissar. Enjoy....
 

I am like so pissed at Mark for having his tramp stamp on his arm. And licking a cake in front of a camera? Well, that's like okay but it's the wig that takes it, if you know what I mean. And I do know wigs. I have lots of wigs. Theocritus has give me like lots and lots of wigs, but for some reason I always wake up with him stuffing one of them in my mouth.

One time he gave me a wig like to put on my head and it was just about the right size. He told me he'd taken like a kitchen colander and pulled yarn through it and it fit real good, you know, and all of the sudden I could hear like barking noises from outer space. That weirded me out though so I took it off. I don't need any more voices in my head. They make my head hurt.

And don't talk to me about that bitch Perez Hilton. All those teeth--I think the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits are from a litter of hers. Doesn't that make sense? That hissing. And like, those...teeth.
 

Licking a cake? Is that what he is thinking of with he's eyes closed like that? No, it does not appear to be so Council! And who is this woman he is with?


 

My lord. I leave Bruno alone for five seconds and he's trawling around with SF trash. Next thing you know the house will be full of Code Pink people bearing gifts of anal intruders and the mailbox will be overfilled with Doc Johnson catalogs.

I draw the line however at a 55-gallon drum of J-Lube.

Or...maybe I could interest 3M in one of my giant economy impaling stakes...
 

I understand, Dear Lordship Commissar. It is quite disconcerting. But if Bruno has decided to represent Mark Moonbat Morfart, then she must supply answers for The Party(TM). I question 3M's loyalty to The Party(TM) as he/she has not graced The Whyte Hoose Womyns Councyl(TM) with alms. I wonder why that is?
 

Red Rooster

Commissar_Elliott

Leninka

{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?

Ah yes Kitty Cats, here kittttyyyy, kitty, kitty... come closer kitty, look into my eye, kitty. If there is one thing a Rooster despises, it's kitty cats!

But here are the evil links for this kitty, Commissar. Enjoy....

{off}
Thank you Red Rooster. There are always glitches in the underground.
 

Commissar_Elliott

Leninka

{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?
{off}
Yes, it should be. It's part of an underground I work for. My spousal unit is Minnesotan, too. All of his relatives are progs. It is most disconcerting.
 

Comrade Leninka, As long as that Kapitalist Kitty Kat stays away from me, your welcome. I do enjoy prog Kitty Kats though, I have them to eat over for dinner.

Now where is Mark Moonbat Morford? Is he catting around?
 

Beats me, Comrade Red Rooster,

Back in Sanny Franny where he belongs? Maybe Comrade Theocritus is driving him back there now.
 

Lenin forfend that I should drive Moonbat Markie Morford anywhere. I tried but he kept turning all the mirrors so that he could see his reflection. I'd yell, "Mark! I need a rear-view mirror!" and he's screech back at me, "Worms eating the flesh of sweet little bunnies I want to see me!" and hog the mirrors again.

By the weeping sores and lesions of Chairman Meow I believe if we took him to the hall of mirrors in a fun house he'd never be heard of again.