My Hero Mark Morford at the Rancho de Rio Grande



Since I am a made progressive, one of my heroes is Mark Morford, who understands better than anyone else the horrors of Republicans, and some of his most insightful work is here. Here is an example:
~
Herr Morford
It used to be so easy. Every day, every headline, every pronouncement or misunderestimation from Dubya brought a new opportunity for your colon to clench and your breath to turn sour and the universe's skin to crawl. A single glance at Karl Rove and you were instantly swarmed with visions of tiny worms eating through the flesh of a sweet little bunny until it turned black and rotten and Rick Santorum. You had but to utter the words "Trent Lott" in the presence of children and the screaming wouldn't subside for three straight days. Remember?Is there anything more beautiful to your ears? Such cadence in his prose, such a ring of truth. Worms and the flesh of a sweet little bunny. If only Wordsworth had his skill.
There’s more:
Quote:
Many spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual) identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul.This is thinking of a high order—higher than reasoning. It is feeling, or more probably, fweewing.
~
But one thing bothered me: this continual drum-beat of rage. Don’t get me wrong—I can sit up all night hating the Rethuglicans with the best of them, while I’m not engaging in typical prog functions of stealing, preening, and lying, and so I like a fellow traveler as long as he doesn’t have my passwords or a key to the house. But there was something just a bit...much...about the volume of Mr. Morford’s prose.
I recall when I was in high school I was the worst fag basher around. I made the worst queer jokes. I wanted to draw attention away from the secret that I bore. And so that sound was familiar...
Last night the doorbell at the Rancho de Rio Grande rang and Bruno ran in his platform mules to the door like an overcaffeinated puppy. When it wasn’t a delivery for him, he called out, “Theocritus! It’s some, like, strange man for you.” I went to the door and the man was Mark Morford.

“Theocritus, can I talk to you?” he asked, staring at his shuffling feet.
Nonplussed I said, “By all means, Mark, come in. Here. Let me take your coat.” I put it on the coat rack which has a built-in scale. Weigh a prog’s coat in, weigh it out. Cuts down on the losses.
I led him to the den and asked him to sit and cleared my throat.
“Theocritus, I have been thinking, and it’s been very hard. I don’t know how to say this…”
“Just say it,” I offered, giving him my kindest non-impaling eyes.
“I’ve been writing about the Repugs for years and you know how I feel…”
“It’s obvious, Mark, for anyone with eyes,” I interrupted soothingly.
“…but lately I’ve been wondering. What about all that stimulus debt. Won’t someone have to, like, uh…”
“What, Mark?” I asked my tone a bit sharp.
“Like, uh, pay it back?”
I started laughing. “My god, Mark, you’re doing stand-up now. You're funnier than Margaret Cho, well, who isn't? But don't worry. That will happen like months or years from now and we'll find someone to blame it on. The Repugs of course.”
“But will there be enough money to pay it back without everyone working all his life to do it?”
“Hell, no, we’ll just inflate the currency and pay it back with useless dollars.”
“But,” and here he was visibly sweating, “isn’t that like, uh, fraud? And will people lend to us any more?”
“Mark,” I said sternly, “Do you think that you should concern yourself with economics when luminaries like Paul Krugman will do your thinking for you? And in The New York Times? The paper of record?”
“Aren’t they broke because no one is reading it?”
“Mark, this is getting to be dangerous territory… I’d think carefully if I were you before I'd continue.”
Mark had settled down and was not so nervous.
“And, Theocritus,” here he shot me a defiant look, “I think that actions should have consequences.”
I put my hands over my ears and screamed, “La la la la la la. I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!”
“Theocritus, I’ve thought a lot about it. I repeat. Actions should have consequences!”
“Dear Stalin, make it stop! Make the pain stop! Please make the pain stop,” I shouted, weak and pale, sweating bullets. Finally I ran out of breath, and tears, and my hands fell to my sides. “Mark, why have you done this to me? Why?”
“Theocritus, I came here to ask your advice. I know that you know how to come out of a closet. I think…” he hesitated then squared his shoulders, “…that I am a Republican.”
The room swirled around me and I struggled to catch my breath.
“And I want your advice on how to come out of the closet. As a Republican.”
"WTF are you doing, Morford? I don't mind if people think I'm a pervert, but I'd die if people thought I was a Republican."
At that point I passed out, and woke in the hospital a week later on a ventilator.
------------
A tip of the ushanka to Red Rooster for the shopping


Laika, Laika, Laika, come in Laika, earth to Laika, Mark Morford in need of transmission, Summa Cum Laude San Francisco Bay Area.
Don't worry Commissar, Lakia has been transmitting signals on overdrive to the Bay Area since 1957. Once Mark Morford leaves Texas and gets back to SF, I'm sure everything will be progoriffic again!




Commissar Theocritus
I'm going to install a Turbo Jiffi-Lobo at the Rancho very shortly to make sure that things can't get that far out of control again.While you're at it, I can offer my new super powered tin-foil hats, complete with commie-powered reciever.




Colonel 7.62
Comrade Elliot, does that thing have to be fed like the Iranian pet snipers, or can you hook it up and leave it alone? I suppose if you give it enough People's Herb(TM) it can keep going...This chap is just a model, but plug it into a People's Outlet, and it's all you need.




This has been constructed for the DNC headquarters.





http://markmorfordyoga.com/
I do say, his written works are testimonials to the effectiveness of yoga, and maybe even meditation.
Like Mark himself, I could feast my gaze upon his pecs and tattoos all day. I think he should get together with that guy who does the pictures of a naked Obama with pancakes and unicorns.


Ooh. Spit. Spit.


Perhaps I could offer him some of our famous Hemlock Hospitality.
Anyway Let me know if I can help.
Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitalityä INC
Director of Kicking Doors atMidnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith


Red Rooster
Commissar! Agent Gorleftik recently spotted Mark Morford at DNC HeadQuarters:
You've put both Theo and my ideas into one great picture, Brilliant!



Yes, I think Comrade Mark Morford Moonbat (that's another 3M--do you think that Mikael the Moonbat Mime will be jealous?) could use some Hemlock Hospitality. But you know, there may be times that we don't want the full Hemlock treatment, and just some treatment to make people a bit, ah, more suggestible and biddable. We need to ask Che Gourmet about some recipes with roofies in them. Recall that the roofie makes someone more suggestible; it has been called the date-rate drug. Well, I can think of lots of sorts of rape which do not require intercourse.
Because I'm a Made Prog.


Is that really you leaning against the Chevy truck? OMG.
About Mark--did you ever wonder if there might not be something in the water, and that perhaps you are immune to it, but he was not?
I'll be sure to bring along some kind of water filtrator when we visit you in Culo de Pecos.




Commissar Theocritus
No, that is perhaps an avatar. Or a Doppelganger....All the Woompa Loompa's go wild every time you say this word! If you ever visit The Factory, bring this word with you and you'll have rock star status, like his B.O'ness.


I just realized that if Janet Napolitano, Janet Reno, Nancy Pelosi, and Barbara Boxer formed a square around our Many Titted Empress, they would have a quincunx.
Would quincunx make the Woompa Loompas quiver and shiver with a frisson?




I got rid of my stupid Doppelganger by having the Cher monster sing at it. By the time she finished growling and chewing her consonants at it, it collapsed on the floor, and I threw it into the Rio Grande.


I am unfamiliar with this Munford fellow, but in times of crises like this, I think it wise to turn for guidance to Comrade Stalin: "No man, no problem." This catchy phrase solves personnel problems internal and external.
With great relish to I embrace the coming National


Commissar Theocritus
I got rid of my stupid Doppelganger by having the Cher monster sing at it. By the time she finished growling and chewing her consonants at it, it collapsed on the floor, and I threw it into the Rio Grande.Must of been that bad if you called in the Cher monster.


But you cannot be a good prog on land where the Reagan jelly beans have been used for a good while--their half life is 20 years.


Where, Russia or America? (Rhetorical)








This is true. But have you heard of the battle Tim Pawlenty is fighting up in Minnesota? Even the nano Jimmie Carter rabbits are no match for what he is up against. They want to tax internet sales and circumvent the constitution. "They" are the DFL's. You and I are harbored in Texas, for now. We are lucky the DFL's do not live here.




Leninka
{off}This is true. But have you heard of the battle Tim Pawlenty is fighting up in Minnesota? Even the nano Jimmie Carter rabbits are no match for what he is up against. They want to tax internet sales and circumvent the constitution. "They" are the DFL's. You and I are harbored in Texas, for now. We are lucky the DFL's do not live here.
(off)
Unfortunately, I'm living in Minnesota with all these Democrat F_cken Labor party members in the state doing what good DFLers do. Thank God you live far from them.


I think you must learn the local art of ice fishing. Then you take DLFers for a good time inside your spacious shed where nobody can see bodies become fish food. It's not only effective, it's sustainable and eco-friendly!









And in her will she left a million dollars to stink weeds. I think she calls them wild flowers. She also fought billboards along the highway. In West Texas that's what keeps you from going to sleep.


Zampolit Blokhayev
Be glad you don't have Comrade Senator Jim "Frogface" Webb (S-VA) as your senator, Comrade Elliott!Eh, I can understand your hatred of Frogface Webb comrade, and even though the legal battle over the Senate seat is still going on, I'd find it worse to have that prick as my Senator.
It's like Abacardius Rex (sorry if there was a misspell) put it, "Are Minnesotans crazy? First a Wrestler, now a Al Franken?" I think he put some adjective for Al Frankenstien, but he's not a comedian, and his radio show tanked, so he's not a radio host anymore.


Oh, whatever. If I can't burn hair I guess I'll be a lawyer.
Mark Morford is like so pissed at all of you for making fun of him. He thinks that you're being ableist just because when he does his yoga he falls on his head a lot. Frankly he scares me, you know what I mean? Like, he gets all excited, you know? And all this foam comes out of his mouth, you know? And his eyes pop out and he shouts and gasps, you know what I mean?
So he's like so going to sue you for everything that you have, he tells me, and I rolled my eyes and said, "Mark, they don't like have anything so you can't get it." And Mark started yelling, you know what I mean, "I don't give a shit whether they have anything! I'm going to take it! They better get some so I can take it!"
By then I was so over Mark and all that drama, you know what I mean? And so I said, "Mark, what about some chilaxin? All that rage just isn't cool. You're like, so, red in the face, you know what I mean?"
"Shut up you silly fairy and sue them!"
I just like shrugged and rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever, Mark, whatever."
That man scares me. I had to listen to Babs for two hours. "Memories... Memories..."


I hear Sacha Baron Cohen is portraying you in your movie autobiography about your youth. How's that working out for you? And what will Theocritus and Perez say when they see it?
--
Blokhayev


One moment it's a stage show. Then it's towering rage. Then it's tears. And even the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits are starting to sneer. "Nuclar! Nuclar! Sniff!'


Commissar_Elliott
Leninka
{off}This is true. But have you heard of the battle Tim Pawlenty is fighting up in Minnesota? Even the nano Jimmie Carter rabbits are no match for what he is up against. They want to tax internet sales and circumvent the constitution. "They" are the DFL's. You and I are harbored in Texas, for now. We are lucky the DFL's do not live here.
(off)
Unfortunately, I'm living in Minnesota with all these Democrat F_cken Labor party members in the state doing what good DFLers do. Thank God you live far from them.
{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.


What evidence does the barking Moonbat Mark Morford have for a case, did she get her progressive feelings hurt?

She looks like she might make a good date for a queen of queens, such as yourself. A one night stand in the Lower Polk, maybe? Did you take her on a date, Bruno? Will she feign and turn tale if we sick Perez Hilton on her? She's not nearly as cute as you, Bruno, and not half the prog, so we wonder why you would even represent her?
As Comrades for Socialist Serenity(TM), these are questions we must have answers to Heir Council Bruno!


Leninka
{off}You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?


Commissar_Elliott
Leninka
{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?
Ah yes Kitty Cats, here kittttyyyy, kitty, kitty... come closer kitty, look into my eye, kitty. If there is one thing a Rooster despises, it's kitty cats!
But here are the evil links for this kitty, Commissar. Enjoy....


One time he gave me a wig like to put on my head and it was just about the right size. He told me he'd taken like a kitchen colander and pulled yarn through it and it fit real good, you know, and all of the sudden I could hear like barking noises from outer space. That weirded me out though so I took it off. I don't need any more voices in my head. They make my head hurt.
And don't talk to me about that bitch Perez Hilton. All those teeth--I think the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits are from a litter of hers. Doesn't that make sense? That hissing. And like, those...teeth.



And was this of him on your date, it's the fur that makes us wonder, the fir....



I draw the line however at a 55-gallon drum of J-Lube.
Or...maybe I could interest 3M in one of my giant economy impaling stakes...




Red Rooster
Commissar_Elliott
Leninka
{off}
You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?
Ah yes Kitty Cats, here kittttyyyy, kitty, kitty... come closer kitty, look into my eye, kitty. If there is one thing a Rooster despises, it's kitty cats!
But here are the evil links for this kitty, Commissar. Enjoy....
{off}
Thank you Red Rooster. There are always glitches in the underground.


Commissar_Elliott
Leninka
{off}You poor thing. I am working in a secret organization with one of your fellow Minnesotans and just spoke of Governor Pawlenty. Click Here if you dare.
I am mostly getting a blank page with an ad and a link to a Twitter page and some sound file on there. Is that the right page?
{off}
Yes, it should be. It's part of an underground I work for. My spousal unit is Minnesotan, too. All of his relatives are progs. It is most disconcerting.


Now where is Mark Moonbat Morford? Is he catting around?


Back in Sanny Franny where he belongs? Maybe Comrade Theocritus is driving him back there now.


By the weeping sores and lesions of Chairman Meow I believe if we took him to the hall of mirrors in a fun house he'd never be heard of again.