Nearly 30,000 New Laws in 2013: We Swing Justice Your Way!

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The Commission for Regulatory Justice, under the Department of Progressive Legislation, has issued a congratulatory telegram to the Party's Central Committee, commending it on the achievement of nearly 30,000 new laws throughout the Union of Socialist States of America for the Year 2012. This great achievement has even been recognized in the propaganda organs of the Capitalists, who stand in awe of this profound example of Progress for the people of America:

New laws on New Year's Day, from gay marriage to ‘Caylee's Law'

The Masses are in need of regulation, and with the unanimous election of Comrade President Barack Barackovich Obama, the Party has been able to harness the ardent desires of the People for greater implementation of Socialist doctrine. In the first year of his Chairmanship, the USSA enacted 40,697 laws, not counting the thousands of helpful and necessary regulations through the various administrative organs of the State.

While counter-revolutionary elements may try to question the Party's implementation of so many laws, he can say with certainty that every one of these laws is important for the welfare of the People.

Those without proper education are ignorant of the benefits of freedom through regulation.

Regulation and laws free the People from worrying about making bad decisions that have consequences. By following the regulations set forth by the Party, workers and peasants of America will not have to be concerned about making decisions that may lead to mistakes that will be inconvenient or prevent them from receiving their fair share of social benefits.

Regulation means safety and security, and security is the only real kind of prosperity that is worth having. The State guarantees prosperity for all its citizens through equitable distribution of the People's wealth, government by the laws set forth by the governmental organs of the State.

Therefore, with so many new laws, 2013 will be a year of great prosperity! The Party is so confident in this new prosperity plan that Comrade President Barack Barackovich has returned to his Dacha in Hawaii for the second time in a month, signaling his confidence that the State is moving forward towards Socialism without any impediment or opposition.

Long live the Socialist Revolution!

Faithfully submitted to the Collective of the People's Cube,
Comrade Nomenklatura-climber
Proletarian Red-noser


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Dear comrade Nom,

You write so clearly and put forth ideas with such smooth notions of fairness that it is scary to read this even knowing that is posted here for a reason.

I swear to god that if you posted this on progressive sites that you would get your own following asking you to run for political office in the USSP!

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Dear Comrade Nom -

On behalf of The People™, I took the liberty to illustrate your excellent post with appropriate graphics.

May the Yoyo of Revolutionary Justice always be on the upswing!

Red Square
People's Director

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Dear Comrade Director,

Please accept my gratitude to The People™ and to you for all of the excellent graphics and reformatting of my humble posts! Unfortunately, the Collective I belong to has not yet allocated funds to replace our 386 (repairs on our fleet of Zaporozhets sedans is getting expensive), and so working with code is rather difficult.

In gratitude, I will dig three extra rows of potatoes during the harvest this year. We will meet the quota!

Saluting the glorious Revolution reflected from our heroic Director,

Proletarian Red-noser

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Dear Comrade, I am proud of my years of government training, which cultivated such talents that I have devoted to the State. Not only am I excellent a beet-digging (my last evaluation by the Collective Committee gave me an efficiency score of 47%... highest at the Collective!), but the governmental institute I was directed to as a youngster gave me certain talents to communicate in a politically correct manner. In fact, I received two diplomas before reassignment. Of course, I am not at all resentful of being asked to serve the Party through our Collective Farm rather than writing. But, someday I do hope to be valued enough by the Party to attain a coveted copy editing job... and access to a hard currency shop!
spymyeyes wrote:Dear comrade Nom,

You write so clearly and put forth ideas with such smooth notions of fairness that it is scary to read this even knowing that is posted here for a reason.

I swear to god that if you posted this on progressive sites that you would get your own following asking you to run for political office in the USSP!

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You damn commies! You're ruining everything. We capitalists of the worldwide Capitalist Cabal Internationale conspiracy can only steal the workers labor in a world of anarchy and law of the jungle!

The dictatorship of the proletariat and it's dictates, unburdened by any superstructure of capitalist class like the 'rule of law' where laws must be based on actual provable harm to actual people in a court of law in order to make sure that the law doesn't become just a tool of dictatorship as you've so well made the regulatory state, will crush all of us mean greedy conspiring thieves of workers and peasants in its million tendrils of social justice.

Curse you, you damn commies. From the bottom of my black ugly little heart, curse you and the day you were born.

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Comrade Fhalkyn,

Time to re-read "1984" and "Animal Farm" and get yourself into the korrekt mood for This Tuesday. Enjoy.

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Innocent? I think not. You broke at least one of the 30,000 new laws and we are going to identify those infractions.

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For the benefit of all law-abiding members of the kollectiv (and you know who you are), one (1) copy of each of the 30,000 new laws have been placed on file at the People's DMV and Bait Shop Distribution Center in Smolensk, Michigan on the shore of the glorious Lake Superior.

These archives will be available for view each Tuesday™ (appropriately) from 1100 to 1130 and again from 1330 to 1500. No paper or writing utensils are allowed in the reading room!

Having generously made these documents available to the People, ignorance of these new laws is no defense.

Of course, there is no defense, anyway.

While visiting beautiful Smolensk, Michigan, may I suggest that you take the time to visit the People's Museum of Root Vegetables and our People's Kollectiv Store featuring the latest in gulag fashion (items handmade by local zeks).

Long live the People's Kollectiv!

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The racist, misogynist, right-wing-lunatic Founders were right about one thing: Congress shall make laws! Praise Obama, we are one year closer to that glorious day when everything that isn't mandatory is prohibited. And finally (finally!) the backward-looking, obstructionist Opposition Party is getting with the program. 2013 promises to be a good year for The People.

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The proletariate have been being prepped for this for decades, starting in our schools. There, our Fellow Travelers implemented Zero Thinking Tolerance policies. No matter the severity of the offense against "The People™"... the punishment is the same. Harsh! This way school administrators are prohibited from employing "common sense". Thus absolving them from problematic issues like "fairness". One punishment fits all severities of the crime, publish it in the school's Little Red Book student handbook, and presto! ... the school administration, superintendent and board are nearly lawsuit proof!