Fit-To-Print-News

(ALBANY, NY) Sound the trumpets. Bang the drums. Forgotten upstate New York residents plan massive Bye Bye Bashes in anticipation of Hillary Clinton's appointment as Secretary of State.

Numerous spontaneous grassroots celebrations have sprung up seemingly overnight after the news broke last week that president-elect Barack Obama might tap Hillary for a cabinet position in his new administration.

Although not official until tomorrow, Hamburg, a suburb south of Buffalo, is planning to have a parade followed by fireworks over the fair grounds.

Meanwhile, Adirondack celebrants plan to ski a pumpkin-headed Hillary effigy off the high jump in Lake Placid's Olympic Village. “I can't wait to see the splat,” said Alfred Granger, a year-round Schroon Lake resident.

Even oft-forgotten and unincorporated villages like Hamlet in Chautauqua County plan a unique carpet bag bonfire Monday evening back of the Methodist Church and katty corner to the cemetery.

“We've scoured basements and attics for carpet bags,” said Doris Livingstone trying to suppress a smile. “Get it? Carpet bags,” she added, referring to the term used to identify northern politicians who moved south during Reconstruction after the Civil War.

Residents of Big Flats, a village near Elmira, have, as the centerpiece of their festivities, a stepping stone contest. Residents must run atop strategically placed slippery rocks across a tributary of the Chemung river. The fastest resident to successfully cross receives a symbolic boot in the behind from the county tax assessor.

“Hillary planned to revitalize upstate New York,” opined former Webster resident Daniel Stiptick. ‘She said she would help create 200,000 jobs but we've lost 20,000.”

“Unfortunately, she did do one thing,”. Stiptick added. “She helped turn upstate NY from red to blue, because most Republicans have moved elsewhere.” Stiptick now lives in Texas.

Canandaigua residents plan a Dying-on-the-Vine Party on Tuesday. Residents must either quickly run through a gauntlet of grapevine thrashing citizens or face stinging pain. No prizes will be awarded.

https://blog.fittoprintnews.com/?p=109

Greetings Fit_to_print_news,

Comrade, are you from an Upstate New York Gulag? Your revelations and geographic finesse are remarkable. Everything you are saying about Upstate is so true. I must admit though that I do not know what a katty corner is?

Hoping for a warm winter,
Che' Gourmet

At least they are blessed to have those radical rethuglicans out of their collective.

Wait...I thought she was gonna keep Senate seat and be SECSTATE....

Comrades,

Is it only I who see in the middle of Her Stateship's radiant cucurbitaceous visage an upstanding masculine symbol of power? Those two nostril flares seem only to enhance the phallic effect. Of course, my perception could be fallacious.

Or maybe I've been overriding my spam filter excessively.

I had to resort to asking my seers to reach out to Comrade Trofim Lysenko to find cucurbitaceous, of or pertaining to melons, gourds, pumpkins, etc. A lovely word for vegetables, like myself and my fellow progressives.

Comrade Komissar Blogunov,

Liberation through lexical death--I'm down with that, comrade. And I have put down (permanently, I might add) those who weren't. Note my sad-eyed avatar, expression my endless compassion between purges.

As the Chairman, I even progressived the Chinese language by simplifying characters so my ignorant opiated masses could begin reading the New York Times in translation.

Thank you for the educational linguistic commentary!

I do look forward to the day when all fictional Shakespeare works will be replaced by those of bell hooks and the Anarchists' Cookbook (a new version with the intentional false instructions for certain devices corrected).