News from the future (brought to you by Obamacare glitch)

Yesterday, out of curiosity, my wife tried to open healthcare.gov and got a big surprise. Due to an odd website glitch, our computer started emitting sparks and after a minute of strange flashing and weird graphics, the thing rebooted. Now all my files, bookmarks, and emails are gone, but the really odd thing is, the computer now functions as a time machine. I couldn't resist exploring and copied some news items from the future, which I'd like to share.

This one is from The Grand Prince, Augustus Emanuel, Principality of Chicago:

21 Obamatober, 2097: The violent crime rate in Chicago has declined dramatically in the last two years. Random gun violence has fallen by almost 40% this year alone. A statement by Chief of Police Romulus Emanuel III said: "We're seeing a major reduction in violent crime, as there's hardly anybody left to shoot. Everyone in the city has been shot at least once. Most of them are in the hospital and the rest are hiding. Chicago's gun control efforts are finally paying off."

And this, from the Right Honorable Minister of Political Correctness:

5 Obamber, 2053: The MPC hereby issues the following edict: Effective immediately, when referring to our Great Leader, all persons are required to reference him by his full title: Pharaoh Obama, Our People's Celestial, Heavenly Utterer of Truth and Excellence. The common acronym which has heretofore been used for this title is deemed disrespectful and its use is, therefore, forbidden.

And also by the MPC, Sports Division, the following:

18 Baracky, 2085: Today the Obamaville "Persons of First Nation Status", formerly referred to as the Washington Redskins (before the Great Rectification), defeated the Dallas "Bovine Caregivers" to claim the NFC Championship. Next week's contest between the New York "Non Carbon-Emitting Sail Planes" and the Kansas City "Designated Leaders of First Nation Persons" will decide the AFC Champions. Super Bowl CXIX will be held on the 3rd of Michelluary. Attendance at designated viewing stations is mandatory.

And, finally, this, from the Exalted Minister of Global Climate Apocalypse Mitigation:

11 Obamuary, 2177: Today the MGCAM, Al Gore VII, the Great Great Great Great Grandson of the legendary Al Gore, made the following statement:

"While it is true that the Earth's weather for the last 165 years has been perfectly normal, it is a matter of settled science that this fact statistically proves the certainty that any day now we may all be destroyed by a 1,200-foot rise of the oceans, followed by asphyxiation due to a sudden 800% rise in CO2. Abandon all hope. All persons are hereby directed to cooperate with emergency measures to be announced by the Department of Relocation beginning next week sometime. Failure to comply will be deemed an act of Terrorism."

...and then suddenly I woke up, drenched in a cold sweat. I remembered that I felt awful when I went to sleep last night, and realized that I should never, ever, buy clams from some guy parked on the corner in a pickup truck. Then again, I'm not completely sure it was a dream. When I turned on my computer this morning, the desktop picture of our grandkids had vanished and this is what I found in its place:
 

 

Colossus your technology cannot penetrate the depths. We will not deploy our Bouyant Wire Antenna System Submarine Communications. You dare not risk the cold embrace of the sea Colossus, and that's no lovers kiss. Checkmate.
 

Soviet Mike Komsomolets

Colossus your technology cannot penetrate the depths. We will not deploy our Bouyant Wire Antenna System Submarine Communications. You dare not risk the cold embrace of the sea Colossus, and that's no lovers kiss. Checkmate.
 

Comrades, I finally realized why the National Socialist Media no longer refers to our glorious leader’s most stunning accomplishment as the PPACA – it’s pronounced as Pee Pee Cah Cah.

Given what we know of the Pee Pee Cah Cah, it is very appropriate – but it is better to properly credit his excellency for this wondrous achievement as Obamacare
 

Comrade Sterpin, you have revived a memory of my days in the Army; when leaders wanted to practice an event but not tie up an entire unit, wasting a lot of time for a lot of soldiers, they would undertake a Practical Exercise Not Involving Soldiers. When asked where their leaders were, the troops preferred to use the acronym...
 

I realize now that technological singularity has rendered COLOSSUS with power over all the elements. Please COLOSSUS cease the pain impulse to my cranial implant! I will pay you well with my cigarette rations. Arggggghhhh!Signed,Mike Advanced K278 nuclear submarine commander and insolent human.
 

Comrade springeraz, welcome to The Cube™! A most equal first post, and I am here to let you in on a secret:

The Cube™, primarily thanks to the machinations of Comrade Colonel 7.62's algorithms, is fully time-fluid. Once you sign up for a Cube™ membership, your computer, smartphone, toaster, bathtub, and all appliances electric and otherwise are kicked loose from temporal reality as we know it. You could say that you're kinda sorta "floating" in time, ALMOST touching the normal boundaries but not quite.

Since The Cube™ knew you were about to post your first message, it reached deep into the bowels of time and gave temporal reality a lil' tweak - which allowed you to see into the future of our glorious USSA, thereby giving you an appropriate subject upon which to post.

Yes, it's mind-wrenching, but such are the glories of Progressivism! Chicken or egg? Why did the prog cross the road? These and other mysteries shall present themselves to you in due "time".

Welcome, Comrade!
 

Soviet Mike Komsomolets

I realize now that technological singularity has rendered COLOSSUS with power over all the elements. Please COLOSSUS cease the pain impulse to my cranial implant! I will pay you well with my cigarette rations. Arggggghhhh!Signed,Mike Advanced K278 nuclear submarine commander and insolent human.
 

Thank you COLOSSUS the bleeding from my nose and ears has mostly stopped.
 

History will show that only the masterful mind of the One could usher in our Utopian future.




 

All time bending devices Should be registered with The Commissar of Time and Chronological warfare before use. I will not denounce you, on the condition that you let me use it to know which horse will win next years derby.