News from the future (brought to you by Obamacare glitch)

This one is from The Grand Prince, Augustus Emanuel, Principality of Chicago:
21 Obamatober, 2097: The violent crime rate in Chicago has declined dramatically in the last two years. Random gun violence has fallen by almost 40% this year alone. A statement by Chief of Police Romulus Emanuel III said: "We're seeing a major reduction in violent crime, as there's hardly anybody left to shoot. Everyone in the city has been shot at least once. Most of them are in the hospital and the rest are hiding. Chicago's gun control efforts are finally paying off."
And this, from the Right Honorable Minister of Political Correctness:
5 Obamber, 2053: The MPC hereby issues the following edict: Effective immediately, when referring to our Great Leader, all persons are required to reference him by his full title: Pharaoh Obama, Our People's Celestial, Heavenly Utterer of Truth and Excellence. The common acronym which has heretofore been used for this title is deemed disrespectful and its use is, therefore, forbidden.
And also by the MPC, Sports Division, the following:
18 Baracky, 2085: Today the Obamaville "Persons of First Nation Status", formerly referred to as the Washington Redskins (before the Great Rectification), defeated the Dallas "Bovine Caregivers" to claim the NFC Championship. Next week's contest between the New York "Non Carbon-Emitting Sail Planes" and the Kansas City "Designated Leaders of First Nation Persons" will decide the AFC Champions. Super Bowl CXIX will be held on the 3rd of Michelluary. Attendance at designated viewing stations is mandatory.
And, finally, this, from the Exalted Minister of Global Climate Apocalypse Mitigation:
11 Obamuary, 2177: Today the MGCAM, Al Gore VII, the Great Great Great Great Grandson of the legendary Al Gore, made the following statement:
"While it is true that the Earth's weather for the last 165 years has been perfectly normal, it is a matter of settled science that this fact statistically proves the certainty that any day now we may all be destroyed by a 1,200-foot rise of the oceans, followed by asphyxiation due to a sudden 800% rise in CO2. Abandon all hope. All persons are hereby directed to cooperate with emergency measures to be announced by the Department of Relocation beginning next week sometime. Failure to comply will be deemed an act of Terrorism."
...and then suddenly I woke up, drenched in a cold sweat. I remembered that I felt awful when I went to sleep last night, and realized that I should never, ever, buy clams from some guy parked on the corner in a pickup truck. Then again, I'm not completely sure it was a dream. When I turned on my computer this morning, the desktop picture of our grandkids had vanished and this is what I found in its place:







Soviet Mike Komsomolets
Colossus your technology cannot penetrate the depths. We will not deploy our Bouyant Wire Antenna System Submarine Communications. You dare not risk the cold embrace of the sea Colossus, and that's no lovers kiss. Checkmate.

Given what we know of the Pee Pee Cah Cah, it is very appropriate – but it is better to properly credit his excellency for this wondrous achievement as Obamacare






The Cube™, primarily thanks to the machinations of Comrade Colonel 7.62's algorithms, is fully time-fluid. Once you sign up for a Cube™ membership, your computer, smartphone, toaster, bathtub, and all appliances electric and otherwise are kicked loose from temporal reality as we know it. You could say that you're kinda sorta "floating" in time, ALMOST touching the normal boundaries but not quite.
Since The Cube™ knew you were about to post your first message, it reached deep into the bowels of time and gave temporal reality a lil' tweak - which allowed you to see into the future of our glorious USSA, thereby giving you an appropriate subject upon which to post.
Yes, it's mind-wrenching, but such are the glories of Progressivism! Chicken or egg? Why did the prog cross the road? These and other mysteries shall present themselves to you in due "time".
Welcome, Comrade!


Soviet Mike Komsomolets
I realize now that technological singularity has rendered COLOSSUS with power over all the elements. Please COLOSSUS cease the pain impulse to my cranial implant! I will pay you well with my cigarette rations. Arggggghhhh!Signed,Mike Advanced K278 nuclear submarine commander and insolent human.




