Why Did No One Inform Us Of The Imminent Death Of The American Newspaper Industry?


Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese

As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to announce to you spittle-soaked readers that I have sold The Onion and all of its various holdings to a syndicate of industrious China-men from the deepest heart of the Orient. more »

• China Strong
  
• Yao Ming!
  
• Internet Adds 12th Website
  
• Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman
  
• China Celebrates Its Status As World's Number One Air Polluter
  
• China's Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is
  
• Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction
  
• Know Any Good State Secrets?
  
• American Children Like Me Are Lazy And Insolent And Must Try Harder
  
• Bumbling Employee Brings Shame To Entire Long John Silver's Family
  
• Ping-Pong Champion Credits Victory To Diet Of Nutritious Fish By-Products
  
• Workers Protest Over-Ventilation Of U.S. Factories
  
• No U.S. Military Leader Is Worthy To Be Namesake Of Breaded Chicken Dish
  
• U.S. Hunger For Fish Byproducts Not As Strong As First Imagined

I had a plane transfer in Beijing a couple of weeks ago while in transit to the US. I will never fly through China on a connection again. It would take too long to say everything, but the nightmare connection from hell started with us sitting on the plane for 30 minutes after docking with the terminal while masked PRC medical personnel scanned our foreheads to make sure we didn't have the swine flu (on the bright side, I now love communism after my forehead scan with the Chinese Jiffi-Lobo Ray Gun(TM)) and ended with us sitting on the tarmac while some of the cargo on our plane was unloaded during an hour and a half on a flight that was already an hour late because our plane was too heavy to take off into a 10MPH headwind and the airport refused to reverse the direction of takeoff down the runway as any other airport would do.

Hey sailorboy, me love you long time. Er, I mean, I've always been a fan of the Onion. That and the Weekly World News were the only sources of the unvarnished truth. Well, those and NPR.

Dr. Strangelove, a headwind increases lift making takeoff easier. You never want to take off or land downwind, that's an aviation no-no. Aircraft carriers always turn into the wind when launching or retrieving aircraft. So whatever the real reason for your take off delay, the weight of the plane and wind had nothing to do with it. The Jing-Cha were probably just searching the luggage for laptops with IP addys for proxy sites.

I'm just going by what the captain announced and the flight attendants were saying. You're probably right, though, that our Chinese comrades just needed an excuse to pilfer cargo, and they definitely "loved us long time."

Actually, Comrade Whoopie, I'm wondering if the Captain didn't say "tailwind" and I was just thinking "headwind." Or maybe the flight attendant said "headwind." Or maybe it was the forehead scan. Or maybe it was the forehead scan. Is there an echo in here?

Anyway, to a layperson, it is somewhat counterintuitive. After reading your explanation above, it made perfect sense right off since I have a basic understanding of how an airplane works. It's rather embarrassing, though, since I should have thought of it sooner given my science and engineering background, even if my specialties are in the chemical and materials sciences. Oh well, "The Current Truth" is subject to change, and I can just edit my mistake out. No one will ever be the wiser. Don't take it personally if I have you poisoned since you're the only loose end that can blow my cover-up. I'll have to hurry and do it before Commissar Theocritus sees this as he will never let me live it down and every banquet at el Rancho will feature a story about the time Dr. Strangelove got mixed up on something as simple as how an airplane works.

Comrade Strangelove,

What!! The Onion is now owned by the Chinese? Then it might as well be owned by evil Rethuglican Bushitler Capitalistas. Now that we are in the process of installing our glorious system in Amerika, the way it is supposed to be done (not the way the Chinese, the Soviets and every one else who didn't get it right did it), those nouveau riche capitalist Chinese are moving into our territory? This is an outrage! Before you know it, they're going to buy up every capitalist business in Amerika and run it like General Cho's Chinese fast food chains.

Oh, by the way, welcome back to the USSA. While you were gone, we made great strides. Cap and Trade is about to be passed (making laughing gas illegal is one of my favorite parts of the legislation), the "Stars are Aligned" (those are His O'liness's words) for the Health Care Bill (those hefty penalties on anyone who doesn't pony up is my favorite part), and his O'liness is about to use his magnificent diplomatic magic on a racist ill mannered professor and an arrest happy cop. He really is showing his mettle.

It was only a dacha-hunting trip. I have since returned to the Southern Break-Away Region of the DPRK and won't officially move to the USSA until August 22nd, when I will join with you in the glorious Obamunist Revolution! See you then!

DSL wrote:Commissar Theocritus sees this as he will never let me live it down and every banquet at el Rancho will feature a story about the time Dr. Strangelove got mixed up on something as simple as how an airplane works

Hah! I see that I have duped you all. Mini-Me! Mini-Me. Oh, shit, I mean, Bruno! These people are falling for my Knows Lots of Shit Field! Little do they know that all I know is where the switch is to turn on the Knows Lots of Shit Field.

Dr. Strangelove wrote:...masked PRC medical personnel scanned our foreheads .... (on the bright side, I now love communism [MORE than ever] after my forehead scan with the Chinese Jiffi-Lobo Ray Gun(TM)) and [the glorious Red China experience] ended with us sitting on the tarmac while some of the cargo on our plane was...

Did you work out a deal with our Chinese Comrades to procure crates of said new discovery? A two for one special is in the works and we are counting on your procurment methods Doctor.

The special will feature a People's Cube(TM) and the new Jiffi-Lobo Ray Gun(TM) , imagine the hours and days and months and years of progressive puzzle solving fun the proles could could have with such a dynamic duo.

A Lifetime of Dizzy with Progressive Success!

I see Approved Thought Police roaming the streets with the Jiffi-Lobo Ray Gun(tm), as the religious police do in Saudi Arabia, zapping people who make non-conformist comments. This means that each tea party will end before it begins. And any Republican convention? Dead in the water.

Next: the development of an array of Jiffi-Lobo Ray Guns, to be mounted on a 747 which flies over fly-over country and makes people like those nasty Texans docile.

Unfortunately, the current model of the Jiffy-Lobo Ray Gun(TM) has a limited range of an inch or two. In order to accomplish the grand idea of Commissar Theocritus, we will need to develop the Jiffi-Lobo Rail Gun.™ I will immediately apply to the Administration of the O'ly One for the necessary bailout OPM to begin R&D on this most necessary device for The Recovery(TM) and The Common Good.™ We can disguise our flyovers and irradiation of the proles as preventative measures necessary to fight Catastrophic Global Climate Change.™

In the mean time, it will be a rather simple task for me to whip up a design and some specs for The People's Cube(TM) that emits a Jiffi-Lobo Ray Pulse(TM) at a set interval for endless mollification of the masses. I'll send the design and specs to Comrade RR ASAP in order to begin mass production in the Woomba Loomba Factory. With bailout OPM, we can ship a free Jiffi-Lobo People's Cube(TM) to every man, woman, and child in the USSA since perception of economic recovery is the same as actual economic recovery after all.

Be truthful Dr. Tell us the real reason why you were scanned.



Playing Dr Manhattan again? And why the piece? Pup is the Marshall on the cube. Playing pretend?




PS I originate and return to Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson about 72 times a year for nine years and counting. Want to hear some real war stories?

Like, ever been stuck in a plane for four hours? (after arriving at your home airport!!!!)

For not getting arrested, I bestow the following upon you.

I left out everything else that happened in between, Comrade Kitty. It's too terrible to describe!

Dr. Strangelove wrote:Unfortunately, the current model of the Jiffy-Lobo Ray Gun(TM) has a limited range of an inch or two. In order to accomplish the grand idea of Commissar Theocritus, we will need to develop the Jiffi-Lobo Rail Gun.™ I will immediately apply to the Administration of the O'ly One for the necessary bailout OPM to begin R&D on this most necessary device for The Recovery(TM) and The Common Good.™ We can disguise our flyovers and irradiation of the proles as preventative measures necessary to fight Catastrophic Global Climate Change.™

In the mean time, it will be a rather simple task for me to whip up a design and some specs for The People's Cube(TM) that emits a Jiffi-Lobo Ray Pulse(TM) at a set interval for endless mollification of the masses. I'll send the design and specs to Comrade RR ASAP in order to begin mass production in the Woomba Loomba Factory. With bailout OPM, we can ship a free Jiffi-Lobo People's Cube(TM) to every man, woman, and child in the USSA since perception of economic recovery is the same as actual economic recovery after all.

We will be waiting for your design specs Doctor...

Dr., the Jiffi-Lobo Rail Gun is a very good idea, but even better is the People's Cube given to everyone in America. We can have them emit Lobo-Rays, like Gamma Ray Bursts, programmed to the individual prole's mental capacity. This way we can have a green Jiffi-Lobo industry.

Why, after all, expend billions of watts of energy over New York when everyone there is already a preening prog? And over Berkley? Rubbish. We can better use those watts over Midland, Texas, where the dirtiest insult in the language is, "You...you...you...<i>Democrat</i>!"

Considering how thick-headed Midlanders are, and Amarilloans, and San Angelinos, it will take massive energy to progify them. Considering that Minnesota has proven itself to be in the toils of the highest degree of moonbattery, there's no reason to expend energy there.

We will give instructions for the Cube: face New York, or wherever Dr. Paul Kurgman is, and put the Cube up to your head. Intone, "I know nothing. NOTHING! And I'm proud of it." Press any of the center squares. And voila! Instant Jiffi-Lobol

So the People's Cube Jiffi-Lobo Mini Gamma Ray Burst is a smashing idea.

Yes, but the Jiffi-Lobo Rail Gun(TM) will still be necessary to subdue Texas. As for the Jiffi-Lobo People's Cube(TM), we can make them solar powered by putting flexible solar cells on the surface of each square and include a turn crank behind the panel of a center square for use in the dark, while camping, or on cloudy days. In fact, we can probably obtain additional funding from Obamacare by claiming it as a necessary medical aid to help fight obesity in addition to promoting mental lethargy health.

Doctor, I do take your point about needing a Jiffi-Lobo Rail Gun(tm) to subdue Texas. I blush quite red--which is fetching on me, as it is on everyone--when I state that I have to live here. Would that I could live in a progressive place like Berkley and help sterling organizations like Code Pink. Instead here in Texas we have cranky, independent Texans who love guns.

Do you know how awful it is to do a simple breaking and entering in Texas? If the homeowner is home, you'll be <i>met with hot lead</i>! Now. I ask you. Is that fair?

Also Texans are very resistant to a personal income tax. I ask you. Is that fair?

And we are not as regulated as other states. I ask you. Is that fair?

<i>There are all these goddamned Texans doing what they want to do</i>.

Yes. Time for the Jiffi-Lobo Rail Run(tm).