Dateline New York City -

Comrade NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg today announced a ban on possession, use, or thoughts about sparklers, noting that Tea Party activists were the most likely people in the USSA to commit acts of terrorism, including with sparklers.

"Let's face it," stated the mayor, "just like large sodas and calories in general, sparklers are dangerous and should be controlled by the government, which means me."

Bloomberg went on to point out that study after study, including several based upon recorded telephone and email conversations, prove that members of the Tea Party are extremely likely to commit acts of violence and terrorism using sparklers, particularly the semi-automatic version which, prior to the ban, just about anyone could buy.
~
The mayor announced the formation of a new NYC SWAT-based unit, "New York City Sparkler Control", which has actually been in training for several months now and, he assured the crowd of appreciative journalists, are armed, trained, and ready to go.

Mayor Bloomberg pointed out that Tea Party activists aren't likely to take his decision lying down, so to speak, and he recommended that New York residents immediately call 911 if they see or hear anything concerning the use of sparklers, fireworks, or the Fourth of July.

A captain from the newly-formed Sparkler Control division then took the microphone and reminded the crowd, "These Teabaggers are dangerous and devious - even their children should be considered enemies of the United Soviet States of America and, of course, New York City".

Bottled, double-chlorinated water was passed out to the crowd as the event came to a close, with Mayor Bloomberg making the final remark that, "You can never be to careful or too safe."

Such a wise decision from our New York Marxists, is it not!

We, the elite, know that not all peoples are able and capable to sensible capabilities -- therefore, we need government mandating, correlating and determining of such things as "safety".

Mama MO is a glorious dear leader in 2nd command to the Vice- whatever, but as we can see....... not always so safety conscious. Her bonnet caught fire and burned down have the Left WingOral... Oval Office. What is government without a Left wing?

Bloomburger The Wise knows that sparklers are the preferred trigger devices on pressure cookers, and that no one in New York would notice these IEDs on the streets....

Suggestion: Comrade Bloomturd's next required product

Comrade Squirrel, the NYC Sparkler Control Division, while specializing in terrorist related sparkler removal, stands ready to confiscate all matches, sodas over 16 oz, and all guns, including pop tarts and fish sticks.

Now, now, comades. You appear to be making sport of Mayor Bloomberg's wise and well-thought out policy. But consider the reality here. The purpose of a terrorist is to inspire terror. By public acts they terrify people. So I ask you:

What could be more terrifying to Mayor Bloomberg and his allies that the sight of a 6-year-old girl waving a sparkler...to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence? Any such display of spontaneous patriotism might lead to thoughts of personal independence, of self-reliance, of -- and this is the truly terrifying bit -- freedom of choice. Mayor Bloomberg is absolutely correct in banning these insidious enemies of the big government agenda before they can possibly lead to unapproved thoughts. This 6-year-old girl should be celebrating Obamacare, like the beautiful and talented congressperson Nancy Pelosi says, not commiting a thought crime by glorifying the out-dated ideas that founded this nation.

Teabagger reactionaries are posting instructions on how children, YES children, can make their own explosives at home! They're beginning with fuses made from napkins and regular kitchen matches. Help me put an end to this before a child is incinerated! Or worse! Just imagine how this youthful indoctrination might play out in a child's later teabagger assaults on The State!