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Obama's birth certificate may be on Pluto

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AB (Associated Baloney) -- As the New Horizons space probe gets closer to Pluto, the NASA mission has provided amazing new information about the distant dwarf planet. From finally learning the planet's colors to the interesting heart shape on the surface, space enthusiasts have much to analyze. But word has it that political enthusiasts might have something to consider too: Obama's birth certificate may have been dumped on Pluto.

New Horizons has revealed photos of what looks like giant letters visible from space saying "Obama's birth certificate here" with an arrow pointing at what looks like a small mountain. The letters look like they are laser cut into rock.

"The president absolutely believes in transparency," said a government official speaking on condition of anonymity. "But in keeping with Nancy Pelosi's philosophy that you have to pass a bill to see what's inside, the president felt the same way. He was ready to release his birth certificate and all his papers shortly after his second inauguration. Out of the blue, some nasty space aliens came along and took the information right out of his hands.

After stealing these files, they laughed hideously and quickly went into warp speed or light speed/hyperspace, depending on whether you are a Trekkie or Star Wars fan. Obviously, NASA didn't and currently does not have the capability to fly at that speed and chase them. We withheld this information from the public because it was obviously a security breach. And it would amount to admitting that there is intelligent life elsewhere in our universe," the source explained.

"This is a super intelligent group we're dealing with. After all, they must have known we had a probe scheduled to fly by Pluto and so they arranged this bizarre stunt to taunt us. This is all Bush's fault because the mission to Pluto was launched during his tenure," noted an anonymous NASA source.

Another source noted that the government tried reaching out to the space aliens by offering them all right-wingers for human experiments. Additionally, they offered them free health care, social security, EBT cards, ObamaPhones, carbon credits, driver's licenses, voting privileges, tax refunds without paying taxes, free education, protected class status, a new -ism/-phobic/-ist term named after the space aliens (to be used against right-wingers ), mainstream media talking points keyed to the space aliens' agenda, a mandate that customer service lines press 2 for the space aliens' preferred language (since 1 would be for Spanish), along with anything else provided to earth-based aliens entering the country.

But the space aliens either did not receive the communications or deliberately ignored them.

Civil rights groups are readying a protest march in Washington, DC, this August. "These aliens are racists," shouted a protest organizer. "They did this just to diss our first black president! For someone as great as President Obama, the least they could have done is dropped these papers off on Uranus or one of its moons. I mean, Pluto is not even a planet anymore! Why leave the papers of the greatest leader in history on something that lost its planetary status in the last decade?"

NASA scientists were quick to respond to the allegations. "It could take us 100 years or more to retrieve these documents. We don't yet have the technology to safely send a person to Mars, let alone something as far away as Pluto. Further, with its orbit being what it is, this complicates things even more. But the president said he was born in the USSA and I believe him," the NASA source stated.

The science is settled: if President Obama's papers have really been dumped on Pluto, several generations will pass before they can be retrieved.

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I thought it was on/in Ur...

Oh, never mind. You've probably already thought of that one.

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NASA personnel are obviously being derelict in their duty. Their mission, as defined by Dear Leader, was to make Muslims feel good about themselves. I see nothing in all this press release about the superiority of Muslims in space flight, document retrieval, or anything else.

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It's like we always say: FREE PLUTO! EQUAL GRAVITY FOR ALL PLANETS!

Get it on shirts, mugs, etc. - https://redcube.spreadshirt.com/free-pl ... ts-I837888

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And for those comrades who came here after this was published:

The New York Times: Pluto Crisis Edition

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Pluto, "I'm back!"

TS560x560-3247126.jpg

Pluto surges into the lead of the Kuiper belt diameter race!

Pluto is larger than Eris, and is therefore the largest known object in the Kuiper belt by diameter. Eris lacks an atmosphere so we have very precise measurements of its diameter from stellar occultations: 2336 +/- 12 km.

New Horizons images have dramatically reduced uncertainty in Pluto's diameter. Stern reported Pluto's radius to be 1185 +/- 10 kilometers, so its diameter is 2370 +/- 20 km.


 
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