News Briefs - newsworthy items that demand a little bit of your attention... OK, maybe "demand" is the wrong word...

OBAMA AUTHORIZES DRONE ATTACKS ON SKEETS

Fed up with criticism from right-wing gun nuts about whether pictures of him shooting skeets were faked or not, President Obama today authorized unlimited drone attacks on skeet targets throughout the country for the forseeable future.

"I said I shoot skeets and I do it MY way!", the president growled after a meeting with an empty chair representing Secretary of Defense Chuck "Not Really That Bright" Hagel.

Reporters in attendance wet themselves at the thought that Obama will be the first president to shoot skeets remotely from a golf course in Hawaii.

In order to assure a sufficient number of Predator Drones to carry out Presidential Skeet Shooting, the Administration has asked Congress to appropriate an additional $5 billion in the next budget, should another one ever be passed.

JOHN KERRY BEGINS TENURE AS SECRETARY OF TWEETS

A State Department press release announced today that newly-installed Secretary of State John Kerry will begin tweeting soon from the Department of State's official Twitter account.
Additionally, it was revealed that all tweets from SOS Kerry will have his initials "JK" appended to them. "JK" formerly stood for "just kidding" in social media lingo but now will stand for "John Kerry" by executive order.

"This is a great way to streamline foreign policy", said a State Department veteran. "There is nothing that needs to be said about world events that can't be said in 140 characters or less!"

Indeed, one can only speculate how much better the world would have been if only Twitter had been discovered sooner:

President Roosevelt @FDR
Pearl Harbor attacked! Day of Infamy!

JFK @Kennedy
Nikita, get missles out of Cuber or there will be trouble!

Honest Abe @Lincoln
87 years ago, great stuff happened! Let's keep it going! LOL!


SKEET ULRICH ACTS TO REASSURE FANS HE'S OK

A spokesperson for actor Skeet Ulrich today told fans not to worry, Skeet is OK after rumors appeared recently that the star had been shot by President Obama.

"I don't know how these things get started", said the actor's statement, "but just to be safe, I may change my name to 'Traps'."

Thank you for vigilant reporting. Made two Laika headlines out of it.

Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country

Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'

Excellent news from Barack "Skeeter" Obama... now to be known as B.S. Obama.

We are at war with the skeet. We have always been at war with the skeet.

Chairman Meow wrote:We are at war with the skeet. We have always been at war with the skeet.

No doubt that criminal Romney <spit!> has binders full of skeets