Sometimes I wonder if America is stupid. Sometimes I think I'm right.

I had an epiphany this afternoon as I was sitting at my coffee table. A bowl of soggy and stale Cheerios awaited me under a stack of old newspapers as I sat in soiled week's old underwear.

But my epiphany. I had one. I really did.
This epiphany came to me unlike any other before. Yes, for some reason it was almost like whoa and a little like wow. Finally it suddenly became all so clear to me: I'm better than America.

I deserve a column in the New York Times.

Sometimes I wonder if America is stupid. Sometimes I think I'm right. I also think I'm smarter than most Americans -- well, actually, all Americans.

I deserve a column in the New York Times.

I am an academic, a musician, and a lover of the arts. I'm a thrice divorcee and am thinking about taking up clog dancing. Did I mention I'm smarter than most Americans? Well, actually, all Americans.

What is qualified anyways? Sure, I might rabble on endlessly only to see my own awkward prose dabbled and splashed across my Microsoft Word Processor. What is a word processor anyways? I bet some idiot in a red state wouldn't know what a word processor is. I'm smarter then them. Well, actually, I'm smarter than all Americans.

I deserve a column in the New York Times.

I once shared a cab with Frank Rich. He smells funny -- but then so do I as I sit here in my pink terrycloth robe and soiled underpants. I actually smell like soured milk. No, wait, there happens to be a carton of soured milk here under these old, moldy newspapers.

Maureen Dowd is old and moldy. I bet she has “man troubles“. Or maybe Maureen is a lesbian? Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian. But then again Lindsay Lohan is somewhat attractive. I can't see another woman wanting Maureen Dowd. I can't see a man wanting Maureen Dowd.

It must be hard to be unwanted. It must be hard to be Maureen Dowd.

And Bob Herbert? A black Frankenstein. He scares me. His ghoulish visage must scare both Frank Rich and Maureen Dowd -- although I think Maureen might like herself a piece of that. She is lonely and unwanted, mind you. It must be a little bit harder to be Maureen Dowd then it is to be Bob Herbert.

Wow. I'm brilliant. I have the observational skills that one would need to have a column in the New York Times.

Then again, I sometimes think America is stupid. Sometimes I think I'm right. I also think I'm smarter than most Americans -- well, actually, all Americans.

Yes, I am smarter. I think I'm right. It is always hard being the smartest liberal in the room -- even harder than being Bob Herbert, but not as hard as being Maureen Dowd. She is so lonely.

My opinion is priceless.

I am truly a cultural elite.

I deserve a column in the New York Times.

Charles F. Moonbatten wrote:I deserve a column in the New York Times.
~
Sometimes I wonder if America is stupid. Sometimes I think I'm right. I also think I'm smarter than most Americans -- well, actually, all Americans.

So what is this? Some Comrade who thinks he is more equal than others? Comrade, lets us be honest from the start. I am in the Inner Circle, and thus more equal than you, and therefore, I also KNOW I am smarter than all Amerikans. This of course does not apply with the same force of meaning when referring to my other co-more equal than Inner Circle Comrades. We sometimes take turns as to whom we pretend to be less equal than, sort of a socialist ennie meinnie moe game which we cheat at.

Cheat? We do not cheat!

I'm sure you meant to say we spontaneously make the rules more advantageous to help those downtrodden inner party members.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Cheating is something everyone should learn... except how to cheat the party. That comes with a fine.

The only thing more equal than a Party member in good standing is a Media elite in good standing. People read my opinions. People need my opinions. People live for my opinions. I am more valuable than air, water or even life itself.

Without me New Yorkers would be without thoughts and Washingtonians without purpose.

Celebrities would be without celebrity.

Politicians without soapboxes.

A Messiah without a following.

I am a member of the MSM. I am the lifeblood of the Party.

I am… Charles Francis Moonbatten.

Sorry to disappoint you Comrade, but only skill needed to work at the Times is to be able to write what Party tells you to write. There is no room for "thinkers"; Central Committee does all the thinking for Party. Members of CC got their jobs the old fashioned way; cutting throats of opponents. But, we are a truly egalitarian society! All of us are equally entitled to do what we are told or be shot at sunrise (maybe later if Politburo was out partying night before and wants to sleep late.)

Comrade Opiate of the People wrote:Members of CC got their jobs the old fashioned way; cutting throats of opponents.

Or knowing someone important enough who would do anything for positive press.

Chairman Punchenko and I share the same sex therapist. Chairman Punchenko also likes to mingle in the Georgetown cocktail circuit and no one gets into the Georgetown cocktail circuit on rank and title alone. No one.

We in the media stuff the suits. You are nothing without the media. Nothing.

I am a total media whore, Comrades. I will whore endlessly for the camera or for a puff-piece in a major news rag. I once took Gail Collins out for dinner just to get her to say a few nice things about me. I even left the tip and paid for the meal!

I will do anything for positive press. ANYTHING.

Charles, nice to have you aboard.

Anything...?

Let me think... I can hook you up with some *cough* "reporters" who will do an exclusive on you for... all the wallets (full as you found them) you keep in your personal underground multi-story parking garage.

I was expecting comrade Michael Moore to have written this, after all,
"They may be the stupidest people in the world (Americans)."
"Surely, the dumbest Brit could out wit the smartest American."
"The dumbest Canadian could easily beat the smartest American"
"Do you feel like you live in a nation full of idiots? I use to consult myself and came to this conclusion, "Even if 200 million stone cold idiots don't get me, 80 million do."

Comrade_Elliott wrote:I was expecting comrade Michael Moore to have written this, after all,
"They may be the stupidest people in the world (Americans)."
"Surely, the dumbest Brit could out wit the smartest American."
"The dumbest Canadian could easily beat the smartest American"
"Do you feel like you live in a nation full of idiots? I use to consult myself and came to this conclusion, "Even if 200 million stone cold idiots don't get me, 80 million do."

spoken as a true Idiot Savant...salute!!

Exactly!

O'Brien wrote:Cheat? We do not cheat!

I'm sure you meant to say we spontaneously make the rules more advantageous to help those downtrodden inner party members.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Of course Comrade O'Brien.... clearly my mind is still a bit out of sorts with the hurricane etc. To face the wrath of the Bush in his final battle did not come easily, but that which doesn't kill... is not very much use to the Party is it?

Marshal Pupovich wrote:

O'Brien wrote:Cheat? We do not cheat!

I'm sure you meant to say we spontaneously make the rules more advantageous to help those downtrodden inner party members.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Of course Comrade O'Brien.... clearly my mind is still a bit out of sorts with the hurricane etc. To face the wrath of the Bush in his final battle did not come easily, but that which doesn't kill... is not very much use to the Party is it?

We must find the HOLYCRAP machine and destroy it!

Spontaneous rule changes have been the hallmark of socialism for ages. Whatever the reason for this year's 5 year plan was, we just change reason for the change to match the outcome so all of our 5 year plans are successful!

On topic, I denounce Comrade Moonbatten. No one should get a column in the New York Times until everyone gets a column in the New York Times. Grab your shovel, Comrade....

Some little person named Stalin for Time (clever) wrote:On topic, I denounce Comrade Moonbatten. No one should get a column in the New York Times until everyone gets a column in the New York Times. Grab your shovel, Comrade....

Only the select few are allowed to grace the pages of the NYT. Equality there is the ideal -- never the reality (as it should be).

The Washington Post is also a publication that requires only the best of the best -- although I must admit Eugene Robinson must have been a quota pick.

Did you know Bill Bradley is descended from royalty? Charlemagne if I recall correctly. It is people more like Bill Bradley, and a little less like Eugene Robinson, who I prefer more to associate myself with. I hate the little people… and it shows. It really, really does show.

This thread is starting to smell like body odor and labor. Peons must be lurking about. Be gone, little people. Be gone!

Charles, dahling! Why didn't you tell me you were blogging here? I would have paid you, dahling! I would have paid you to blog at the Huffington Post, dahling! You must blog for me! You must blog for me, dahling!

Anything! I will pay you anything!

I am an artist, Arianna. I must not limit myself to the confines of your blogger's prison. I must be free. I must spread my glorious wings, take to the sky, and crap my opinions on the unwashed peons below.

I am just too important for you. I am almost as big as the Messiah himself. I have a press pass, Arianna. A press pass.