President Obama Astounded to Discover that He is Married

President Obama, in a press release this morning, revealed that he was "surprised" to discover that he has apparently been married for quite some time.

"The first I heard of it was when I saw a CNN report on my wife...uh..."Michelle," apparently...delivering an address to the National Coalition of Lobster Producers," said the President. "This was as much a surprise to me as discovering that there were rogue agents in the IRS, of which I also learned from watching CNN."

Presidential spokesperson Jay Carney was quick to point out that there are several layers of bureaucracy in any marriage, and that nobody on the White House Staff was aware of the marriage until CNN broke the story on March 22, 2013. Evidence suggests that the marriage has been an on-going situation, as the President has also learned that he has two children, although their names, genders, and exact ages were not provided in the press briefing.

"I think it important to note," Carney told reporters, "that at least one and possibly both of these children were already in place at the time the previous administration occupied the White House."

It is possible that one or perhaps both were conceived during a Republican administration, or when there was a Republican majority in Congress.

New reports of this heretofore unknown First Lady have been surfacing, including some disturbing allegations of lavish spending on travel and accommodations over the past four years.

When questioned by reporters on the subject, Carney replied that while "such wild allegations were inevitable in an era of Republican overreach," the President himself rarely accompanied the First Lady and had thus been completely unaware of any travel, if indeed any travel had taken place.

The Justice Department has announced it will be investigating possible leaks related to the revelation of the First Lady's existence on CNN.

As a part of this investigation, Attorney General Eric Holder has obtained a warrant for all Fox News emails for the past 96 months.
 

Being generous and compassionate with other people's money is like being loving and caring with someone else's wife.

This was recently Tweeted by the People's Twitterer-in-Chief, Comrade General Secretary. I thought I should bring it to your attention.
 

This just in -

As she watched the announcement of President Barackzebub Husseinovich Obama's alleged marital status, former FLATUS Hillary "Benghazi" Clinton was heard to quietly mumble, "What difference, at this point, does it make?"

Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel told reporters that, "I had no idea he was married, although I wondered who that woman was. Ayers always said she was with the catering staff, which made sense because she always had food in her hands and in her mouth."
 

In related news, a sample of how to korrektly present information to the public has been mailed to us by a people's methodologist:

Of the total of 44 US Presidents: Obama rated 5th best president, ever.

I was just reading a Democratic publicity release that said, ". . . after a little more than 5 years, Obama has been rated the 5th best president, ever."

The details, according to White House Publicists:

Reagan, Lincoln, and 8 others tied for first,
15 presidents tied for second,
17 other presidents tied for third,
Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
Obama came in fifth
 

Remember how Michelle Obama called herself a "busy single mother"?

Remember how Barack Obama referred to his wife as 'Michael' while reading from the teleprompter?

That proves they didn't know each other.

Look at the picture below. Can you say these two men are even acquainted?




Any questions?
 

Great report Comrade Betinov.


 

Give Barack some slack! Imagine what it must feel like to wake up every morning and see his wife (whom he doesn't know, mind you!) without the wig and makeup.


 

And as always, a big thanks to the boys down in Visual AgitProp....
 

Oh, you guys. That's just silly. Everybody knows Obama first found out from the newspapers.
 

Oh yeah, she'd fit under the desk...



 

Obama astounded to learn he has been skeet shooting. And yes, also in mom jeans.


 

 

 

A little off-topic, but the image of Michelle above got stuck in my head. I couldn't help but think about the wonders of makeup...


 

It seems The One coincidentally heard the latest on Michael Douglas in the same CNN broadcast, which caused some concerns for His own health. But have no fear! A little penicillin/DDT mix should avoid any problems.


 

In 2013, Barack Obama first discovers that he is the President
 

 

Obama was astounded to discover that Karl Marx sounded just like his mother.


 

President Obama is shocked to discover this really goofy white guy is working for him. He's also puzzled by it, and wishes CNN or MSNBC would explain how it happened.......
 

President Obama is astounded to discover that he is a gay cowboy on this week's cover of The Economist. A REAL STORY!



 

My Our ENTIRE Kollectiv was shocked - Shocked - to discover that Commissar Obama is "actually 'married'" - and to A "Woman", no less! (And Then We were further Dismayed To Learn That Comrade Larry Sinclair Will Be SORELY Broken-Hearted about this Stunning Announcement! But We Are Reassured Since Comrade Sinclair has Heroically - And Successfully! - Redetermined His Efforts To Remain A Continuing Presence In The White House!
 

Red Square

In related news, a sample of how to korrektly present information to the public has been mailed to us by a people's methodologist:

Of the total of 44 US Presidents: Obama rated 5th best president, ever.

I was just reading a Democratic publicity release that said, ". . . after a little more than 5 years, Obama has been rated the 5th best president, ever."

The details, according to White House Publicists:

Reagan, Lincoln, and 8 others tied for first,
15 presidents tied for second,
17 other presidents tied for third,
Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
Obama came in fifth

Well, Komrade Red Square...

Since Komrade Karter only served four years in office and is ranked in fourth place; and since Dear Reader (AP&PBUH) is now placed FIFTH after FIVE years, then we have a severe problem...

Some of my associates and I applied Global WarmingClimate Change Scientific Models to the Dear Reader's (AP&PBUH) current performance to predict the his chances of surpassing Ray-gun and the nine other unmentionables and obtain the top spot.

We know that Dear Reader (AP&PBUH) was obviously in First Place when he was coronated inaugurated. It appears that after this second term is complete, HE will fall into the 8th Place slot... and by the end of his 11th term?? Obama forbid it -- the models indicate that HE will slide to 44th place!

There was however, an interesting corollary...which provides a solution! The models indicated that these results were based on Carbon Dioxide emissions from 'undesirable' sources (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). If we are able to retain PRISM, fully implement cap and trade, Obamacare (especially the Complete Circles of Life Program), pass amnesty, and ratify the UN Small Arms Treaty (effectively repealing the Second Amendment Constitutionally, speaking), then The Party will be able to prevent further Carbon Dioxide emissions from ‘superfluous’ sources…ahem… Thus, this alarming trend will be miraculously REVERSED!

Indeed, the models consistently produce a graph with an amazingly smooth, hockey stick-like appearance...catapulting Dear Reader (AP&PBUH) into FIRST PLACE!

The Science DEMANDS we take drastic action to avert certain disaster... We must save the planet for our Childern!
 

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