President Barack Obama announced today that he was closing the National Zoo to the public and that henceforth the White House will only serve meals prepared from the animals, fowl, and reptiles that he hunts there.

"By failing to raise taxes, the Republicans in Congress have forced me to make drastic cuts in the Federal budget," Obama said. "The National Zoo is but the latest victim of their irresponsible sequestration."

President Obama went on to say that closing the National Zoo and turning it into his own personal game preserve will save the taxpayers millions of dollars. The 2,000 animals on its 163 acres will be hunted over the next few months to provide food for the First Family and their guests.

Several Republican lawmakers immediately criticised the President's decision, claiming that the money saved from closing the National Zoo was almost completely offset by the dozens of new chefs the White House hired who specialize in cooking rare and exotic animals.

"The National Zoo has a long tradition of being free and open to the public on every day of the year except Christmas," House Speaker John Boehner said on Fox News. "The President's decision to close it is politically motivated just like his decision to cancel tours of the White House."

President Obama however stood by his decision to keep the zoo closed to the public. He responded that in the wake of Sandy Hook, only callous Republicans would want to expose the public, and especially small children, to stray gunfire while he is on safari in the National Zoo.

The decision to cook the contents of the National Zoo should come as no surprise to those familiar with the President's exotic tastes in food. In his autobiography, Dreams from My Father, Obama reminisced about eating dogs, snakes, and grasshoppers while living in Indonesia. He wrote about sharing a piece of tiger meat with his step-father, an experience he is looking forward to reliving as he hunts the African Forest section of the National Zoo.


When asked if Sasha and Malia will enjoy the new menu at the White House, Michelle Obama pointed out that the sequestration cuts will not stop them from dining out. The First Lady said that she and the children are planning to eat out more often at their favorite restaurants in Aspen and New York City.

Ummmm, who's the impostor pretending to be the Chairman? I demand a trial!!! Lock him up until we find out where the real Chairman is!!! Yes, I know, he's probably somewhere face-down in his own vomit, but where exactly?! Has this impostor done away with our dear Chairman?! I DEMAND A SHOW TRIAL FOR COMRADE IMPOSTOR CHAIRMAN!!!!!