President Barak Hussein Obama and Vice President Joe(…uh…Bidet? No, Biden!) President Obama and Vice President Biden have spent the early summer crisscrossing the nation delivering a series of unprecedented speeches on the vital aspects of their untiring efforts to solve the series of unprecedented crises that menace the safety and security of the Republic. Most hard-working comrades of the collective are working too hard to take time off (unless of course the SEIU busses them in after intimidating the capitalist exploiters who employ them into offering a day off with pay) to attend these historic and unprecedented addresses. As a public service to these stalwart Stakhanovites, the following digest has been prepared. (Proles are authorized to assume “parade rest” position with their shovels while reading.)

On the economy:

President Obama addressed the North Sheboygan Cat Lovers Association last Tuesday on the unprecedented success of the Stimulus Plan to date, noting that when he took office 18 months ago he inherited a record deficit and a financial system in shambles. Had it not been for the Stimulus Package, and the Second Stimulus Package, and the Third Stimulus Package, unemployment would not now stand at slightly over nine percent. He was pleased to report that he had shattered the deficit record held by former President George W. Bush, driving the deficit to almost the level it had reached by the end of the Second World War (in which his uncle assisted in the liberation of Auschwitz), which all agree was one of the greatest periods in American history. He touted his new jobs initiative for the Gulf Coast, stating that the ban on offshore drilling would affect less than 50% of the workers in the Gulf States and noting that his Administration had thus just saved or created over 50% of the jobs in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. He closed with a call to support his new and unprecedented plan for an additional Stimulus Package desperately needed to shore up the financial stability of his major campaign contributors, and added that the only reason it hadn't worked any better was due to Republican obstructionism.


On the same day, Vice President Biden spoke to the Himmelfahrt, Iowa Chamber of Commerce. The thrust of his presentation centered on the unprecedented economic crisis the Obama administration inherited from the Bush White House, including the huge deficit of which the incoming administration was unaware. It wasn't until they pried open the stuck bottom drawer of the desk in the Oval Office that the true nature of the economic crisis made itself apparent, and only through the unprecedented Stimuli efforts—that had been opposed by the obstructionist Republicans—that the economy had reached its current state. He pointed out that the Administration would have had everything fixed if it hadn't have been for the combined efforts of the Tea Party and other Smart Asses opposing the will of the President.


President Obama also spoke on the economy when he delivered the keynote speech during a visit to the G20 summit, held this year in the 54th state, Toronto. He emphasized the size of the deficit he took over when George W. Bush left office, and outlined his plans for continued deficit expansion. “This is the growth industry of the 21st century,” he informed attentive listeners. “If we can all expand our national deficits by 20 to 30 percent over the next five years, we will see unprecedented growth of government bureaucracies, which all economists agree are the driving engine of any healthy economy.” He later expressed disappointment at the response by nations he once thought of as allies and attributed Germany's failure to enthusiastically endorse his position to unprecedented Republican obstructionism.


On the Deep Water Horizon Oil Spill:

President Obama lost no time pointing out the speed of his administration's response to the unprecedented crisis in the Gulf, noting that George W. Bush had ignored the oil spill entirely and had done nothing to remedy the situation during his entire eight years in office. He also reminded his rapt listeners at the Pebble Beach Club House Wednesday that former President Bush's response to Hurricane Katrina had drawn a lot of criticism at the time. He repeated his determination not to rest until the responsible parties had been brought to justice and the Gulf Coast had been rendered “better than it had been before.” He praised the Coast Guard's efforts to make sure that all union members working the oil recovery barges had the proper safety equipment on board before allowing these vessels to leave port, and likewise the Environmental Protection Agency's diligence in insisting that all water returned to the Gulf by the oil skimming ships meet stringent 99.9% purity regulations. “We cannot have these foreign ships releasing contaminated water back into the Gulf,” he said, “Pouring water containing more than 15 parts per million of crude oil into the sea is simply compounding the problem.” He added that Republican obstructionism played a big role in the Administration's awarding the Deep Water Horizon platform a safety citation, just days before the explosion. He concluded his remarks with a stern warning to upstart state governors to stop impeding the Federal Government's cleanup efforts by insisting something be done immediately. “We cannot just throw up sand berms without convening a committee to assess the long-term ecological effect of these temporary barriers. What good would it do to keep oil out of these wetlands in the short run if it turns out that the barriers might interfere with the breeding patterns of brine shrimp?”


Vice President Biden opened his speech in the Allentown, PA Sonic's Employee Break Room by inquiring which Smart Ass hadn't raised his hand when he asked who here supported Cap and Trade. He went on to point out the unprecedented opportunity to pass this critical legislation, as Cap and Trade was a vital strategy in cleaning up the British Petroleum oil spill and insuring that no such spill would ever, ever happen again. He noted that BP was a foreign country and that they had once tried to put tacks in our tea. He was briefly distracted by the box of “Li'l Tot” rubber toys in the storeroom, but got back on track after tripping over a mop bucket. “This spill is just like the one in the Gulf,” he explained. “I bet if you turned that mop bucket over you would see the word ‘Halliburton' on the bottom, just like they are at the bottom of the Gulf Oil Spill.” He went on to mutter something about “smart asses” and whose ass he'd kick, before his handlers lured him back into his limousine with some frozen custard.


On Health Care:


President Obama donned a medical coat and draped a stethoscope over his shoulders for his address to the United Health Worker Bureaucrat Service Union in Detroit, Michigan. This lent special weight to his repeated promise that he would not rest until every American had decent, affordable, government mandated health care insurance. “The American health care system is in an unprecedented state of brokenness, a situation My Administration inherited from the failed policies of the past eight years.” The system lacks the several layers of bureaucracy that are vital to the smooth flow of paperwork and form-generation, which, he reminded his audience, are absolutely vital to the diagnosis of disease. “Would you trust a doctor who simply looked at a patient, asked a few questions, and then set a broken leg without once consulting a government manual and ordering the prescribed series of tests? How can you be sure that leg was actually broken without submitting the doctor's diagnosis to government oversight?” He went on to point out that his reforms, which have already signed in to law, are being obstructed by Republican lawmakers. “We must bring medicine to its knees,” he decreed, “and place our boots on the necks of the insurance companies who routinely amputate children's tonsils for nothing more than profit.” He went on to announce the creation of a blue-ribbon commission to investigate government funding for prosthetic tonsils for the mutilated victims of corporate greed. Although the President was scheduled to field entirely unscripted questions from the audience, a teleprompter malfunction forced the cancellation of that portion of the program.


On Immigration Reform:


In a pre-siesta address presented at the Legio Americano Hall in Juarez, Chihuahua (the 53rd state), President Obama delivered a stirring call for comprehensive Immigration Reform to wild cheers, shouts of acclaim, and a fusillade of pistols fired into the air. “I want to be absolutely clear on this,” said the President, “The current state of immigration to this country is broken, a situation my Administration inherited when we took office.” He noted that the state government of Arizona had “acted stupidly” in passing their obviously racist laws enabling their state law enforcement officials to enforce current Federal laws, and vowed that he would not rest until the Nazi regime in Arizona had been dealt with. “We are a nation of immigrants,” he reminded his audience. “Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud, and thousands of scientists, engineers, and doctors arrived on these shores as undocumented workers. I myself am an immigrant, and proud of my heritage.” The problem would have already been dealt with, he assured his listeners, had it not been for the obstruction of the racist and Republican members of Congress, where their minority in both Houses constantly derailed all attempts to help children and working mothers. “We stand on the edge of an unprecedented opportunity in this country, and I call for the creation of not a "Pathway to Citizenship" for all of our Undocumented Amigos, but rather a "Shortcut to the 2012 Election." It won't be simple amnesty, as some of my opponents claim; anyone wishing to follow this path would be required to pay a fine to the SEIU for stealing union jobs, and sign a voter registration form acknowledging the role of the Democrat Party in getting them legal access to the benefits they already enjoy.”


On the Independence Day Holiday:


After nuzzling with the First Lady during the traditional fireworks extravaganza in an unprecedented show of matrimonial affection, President Obama offered a few off-the-cuff reflections on the importance of the day.

The importance of the Revolution in World History cannot be understated, despite the efforts of Republican obstructionists in Congress. It was a time of great political ferment, of bold new ideas, of Hope and Change being made reality. We owe a tremendous debt to the great minds of the Revolution, minds that defined the virtues of the Republic, minds that nurtured these infant virtues to their full fruition. So as we celebrate this Bastille Day with all of our barbecues and family gatherings, let us take a moment to remember the pioneering work of the Utopian Socialists—Fourier, Saint-Simon—and the great founders of the true Republic, Robespierre, Danton, and Murat; it is their legacy I mean to preserve in My Administration.

Biden? Really?? I would check that with doubleness . . I thought he was Joseph bin Biden, but I digress....................

Our Leaders are never short on wordiness, are they. TOTUS certainly gets his workout. And I am filled with thrills that dear Leader finally straightened out all that July business with some factualness.

(I hope the nNew Voters Registration Drive is going well. I am so happy that dear Leader is now suing AZ so we can have those voters)

I recoil when I hear Dear Leader speak of our need for a "pathway to citizenship." We already have such a pathway. What we need is a shortcut to citizenship just for Mexicans who want to vote Democrat.

Naturally this shortcut will be denied to any Eastern European or Asian wishing to escape Socialism. They can muddle along on the old pathway.

The Current Truth is easily amended.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:I recoil when I hear Dear Leader speak of our need for a "pathway to citizenship." We already have such a pathway. What we need is a shortcut to citizenship just for Mexicans who want to vote Democrat.

Naturally this shortcut will be denied to any Eastern European or Asian wishing to escape Socialism. They can muddle along on the old pathway.

I thought it was called Amnesty for Mexicans? Is that not dearests Leaders "comprehensive offensive reform" agenda? It is too bad J. Christopher Adams spilled the beans!