Press Conference from the U.S., a Division of North Korea

Greetings, and good wishes from our Dear Leader. First, some continuing excellent news on the economic front. Unemployment is down, again! Yes, there are those that wonder aloud how this can be true when more people than ever are seeking work but not finding it. But do not worry -- the IRS will be dealing with those “wonder aloud” people very shortly.
~


“Even more excellent news exists on the energy front, where our plan to substitute algae for gasoline is in full swing. Under Dearleadercare, aside from being required to buy crappy – I mean, snappy, government health insurance, all households will be required to maintain a fish tank, and not be allowed to clean it until sufficient algae develops to meet their energy needs. “So what if I am responsible and do not clean my fish tank, but my neighbor does not play by the rules and does clean his fish tank?,” you ask. Do not worry: those who do clean their fish tank before the allotted time will be visited by a representative from SEIU.



“Great news exists on the science front, after our Dear Leader met with his Science Czar, John Holdren. In that meeting, some interesting concepts such as forced sterilization and limits on childbirth were discussed at length, with plans to implement them as soon as possible. In addition, the idea of experimenting with trans-species transplantation was considered, with a first experiment of transplanting the head our Dear Leader’s wife onto the body of a large dog, so as to enable her to eat faster, jump higher and defecate outdoors.



Dear Leader was also profoundly interested in Czar Holdren’s profound fascination with live dissection of twins, dwarfs, giants and anyone else with an unique hereditary trait such as a club foot or different eye color. Some may wonder aloud about the wisdom of such interests, but those people will soon be visited by Elizabeth Warren’s Occupy troops.



“Excellent news exists regarding the Middle East. Dear Leader met with the Prime Minister of the soon-to-be destroyed state of Israel. Details of that conversation will be released on November 3rd. But be assured: with the security of an Iranian nuclear arsenal in place, and with the small piece of land located between Jordan, Syria and Egypt turned into a complex of parking lots and tennis courts, peace in the Middle East is at hand – as well as adequate parking, and no longer the need to ever wait for a court. Some may wonder about the wisdom of simply laying a covering payment over freshly incinerated bodies of seven million corpsemen, but “wonder aloud” people in this instance will be visited by members of the 6,000 strong private police force answerable only to Dear Leader – a force which is fully mandated in the 3,000 page Dearleadercare law.



“I will now open the floor to questions, which will all be directed to Brownshirt Czar Richard Trumka. No questions? I thought not. Thank you, and please be sure to quote me accurately and write no thoughts of your own – unless, of course, they are platitudes. Have a good afternoon.”


 

Comrade Robert, Your first question is easy. More jobs lost than gained. This is not reported for "Dearest and Most Benevolent Leader" is all knowing of law, space, time, etc.... but not math. Apparently addition/subtraction is far below the needs of "The One". The inconvenient fact that more jobs were lost than created is not for the peasants ears. As workers at, said, clock factory #47 die off they are not replaced. Those many jobs are gone. It takes fewer fellow workers to produce the new "Leader" approved, energy efficient timepiece at sundial factory #182. So more jobs lost than created is not that hard to figure out as "Dear Leader" works to make us all more prosperous equal.
 

"The One?" Dont' you mean, "The Jerk?"
 

Comrade Robert, your selection of Carney photos exhibits more personality than is customary for Mr. Carney and we would appreciate the removal of at least half of them.

Thank you,
Commissar of Honesty In Media
 

ThePeoplesComrade - perhaps this will quell your thirst for realism at the White House press conferences.

In fact, all future press conferences can be illustrated with this exact image between every paragraph.

// PROG OFF // -- I wonder if this would be good material for a caption contest...


 

Sieg heil.
 

It is a glorious press conference image, better even than Bagdad Bob.

You can always trust your comrades to do what is right.




(don't tell Kook the fingers are wrong and Obama has two right arms, it will drive him crazy)
 

With so much "good news" from Comrade Carney's own lips, speaking each word on behalf of Dear Leader (PBUH) I am overwhelmed. I just can't find the words to express my enthusiasm and overwelm for the enthusiasm displayed. Somehow, those words must not exist.

Another ration of vodka and another plate of those potato peelings might get the old boxcar of creativity on a return leg from the gulag, but not just yet...
 

ThePeoplesComrade

It is a glorious press conference image, better even than Bagdad Bob.
Baghdad Bob ain't bad either. We can put him to good use him too.


 

ThePeoplesComrade

...

(don't tell Kook the fingers are wrong and Obama has two right arms, it will drive him crazy)

I've been crazy for quite a long time, but it's Bush's your fault.

I'll wait for Obama's arms/stab to be corrected. What else can I do? My hands are obviously tied.

--KOOK
 

right, and right again...
 

 

KOOK

ThePeoplesComrade

...

(don't tell Kook the fingers are wrong and Obama has two right arms, it will drive him crazy)

I've been crazy for quite a long time, but it's Bush's your fault.

I'll wait for Obama's arms/stab to be corrected. What else can I do? My hands are obviously tied.

--KOOKIt's Eric Holder's arm, that's it, Eric Holder.
 

ThePeoplesComrade

Comrade Robert, your selection of Carney photos exhibits more personality than is customary for Mr. Carney and we would appreciate the removal of at least half of them.

Thank you,
Commissar of Honesty In Media


Dear Commissar of Honesty In Media .........

You are to be commended in your duties !
Honesty will soon be completely eradicated from both media and government alike.

( The administration's threats and attacks on those who stubbornly cling to this outmoded way of thinking are having wonderful results in keeping them quiet. )
 

Put a picture of Obama shaking Bibi's hand next to a pciture of Obama shaking Kaddafi's hand!
 

And picture shaking Mubarek's hand!
 

Komrad Phobianov

Put a picture of Obama shaking Bibi's hand next to a pciture of Obama shaking Kaddafi's hand!Comrade Komrad Phobianov, a glorious idea, describe the image with a few words instead of photoshopping. We could conserve bandwidth and save the planet.