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Putting Small Businesses on the Butcher Block

POLL: Should Dear Leader force businesses to hire more people?

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Comrades,

We have a real conundrum here with small businesses. We must force them to provide health insurance for their employees, and of course, it is necessary to make them pay more for energy, but as a result, they may not want to hire new employees. And with the unemployment rate closing in on ten percent, it has become more dire to not only keep them from laying off more workers, but to get them to hire even more, that is, until we are ready to nationalize all of them.

What should we do? Should we place a moratorium on firing workers? Should we give them quotas to fill? What would Mao do? What would Stalin do? What is Dear Leader to do? What would Che do?

This is a conundrum!

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This is simply an extension of the theory that raising the minimum wage increases employment, because now college graduates with large families to feed and student loans to pay off will be more inclined to seek a job washing cars or mopping floors.

I'm looking forward to the day when your doctorate in physics will qualify you to work the drive up window at McDonald's or Burger King.

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Comrade Whoopie,

Excellent point. The minimum wage ought to be increased to the same level as the caps placed on executives at AIG and other government managed businesses.

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I have an excellent suggestion for increasing employment. Reduce the work week to 30 hours. Businesses will be forced to hire more people. This is what the Minister for Labor, whatever the terms is, in France suggested. And who knows more about things than the French? Except of course the Nobel Committee, whose wisdom outshines all.

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Reduce the work week to 20 hours. Screw 30. Hire more people to do the same work, and give them all full health benefits. Then add hiring quotas. Make it illegal for anyone to quit their job once they get one. Mandate businesses over a certain size to open up additional offices in "disadvantaged" areas and hire a certain number of people.

Then make it illegal to go out of business. Any business that would otherwise shut it's doors gets nationalized.

Pretty soon the UAW and SEIU will be running everything.

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Comrades Theocritus and 7.62,

These are excellent suggestions, brilliant, in fact, and sure to bring down the unemployment numbers post haste, as soon as they are employed (I mean the policies, of course).

Comrade Theocritus,

Yes. The French know best about keeping people employed, especially those perpetually striking taxi drivers. Never mind Les Clochards. They are the world's most stylish bums, and really have a cache of their own.

Comrade 7.62,

Mandating businesses in "disadvantaged" areas is a particularly good idea. Storefront windows should have easy to open latches for those who wish to carry out snatch and grab robberies. This will also save money on replacing broken window panes, too.
And anyone who is just starting a business should be required to hire 50 people immediately. This puts the business immediately in the category of businesses that must provide health insurance for their employees. Oh, and banning store owners from having guns is a good idea, too.

Of course, if they do not comply, I hear the newest Health Care Bill coming down the pike, states that those who employ fewer than fifty will be korrectly penalized with a per employee fine if even one employee buys into the People's Option. Hope I'm not confusing you.


 
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