Our researchers say they're running out of nonsensical assertions they can agitate the people to get distressed about, and then about which they can incessantly opine to make a somewhat honest living. Can our readers help us out with some ridiculous, inane, or even better, insane assertions for them to work with?

Assertion example: Researchers say the planet's recent 'hot flashes' are proof its gender identity is female and that she is experiencing early menopause.

Long Island will be completely covered in lava by 2017 because of global volcanoes caused by global cooling.

I heard Long Island was going to tip over and capsize if everyone went to one side...And Jeb Bush wants Laura Bush as his Vice-presidential running mate.

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:I heard Long Island was going to tip over and capsize if everyone went to one side...

Well, obviously.

Researchers say the number of gender identities will continue to increase, so much so that a table, much like the Periodic Table of Elements, will be created for them. They also asserted that gender identities are like unstable elements, but with half-lifes that constantly vary, from time spans of entire lifetimes down to mere nanoseconds, making their classification extremely difficult and best left to gender identity experts.

Dedhedvedev -

Our scientists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center will have to undertake the creation of the Periodic Table of Sexual Identities.

It will include, of course, the Rare-Earth-Sexuals, also known as the Necro-Gendered, who also moonlight as Necro-Proxies performing an important function in our democratic voting process.

There will be stable and unstable sexual identities, and some will be radioactive.

This will also validate the existence of gender alchemy - a science that seeks to fundamentally transform base sexual identities into precious ones. The key element here is the philosopher's stone, which is also believed to be an elixir of life, useful for rejuvenation and possibly for achieving immortality.

Experts assert that the largest depository of the legendary philosopher's stone is found in Obama's kidneys.

Scientists will continue to find no alternative medicine that works, and Tom Harkin (D, Iowa) will continue to remind them that they're not there to find out stuff DOESN"T work, they're there to come up with nice reports in a nice font telling everyone that alternative medicine DOES work.

SCOTUS no longer feels it needs to pull punches, redefines "Law" as "Anything we say it is, b*tches"

Communist China announces an end to "gender selective abortion." Announces it will instead enforce "in utero gender reassignment surgery" as humanitarian compromise. Reaction of U.S. abortion activists negative, deny "humanitarian" component of anything to do with "these stupid fetuses everyone is crying about."

This one is actually real news, filed under "The lonely lives of scientists."

Babies with two biological same-sex parents could become a reality in just two years

Red Square wrote: Babies with two biological same-sex parents could become a reality in just two years

It is of course the best way to develop genetically selected super-soldiers... not that I'd know anything about it myself.

“We have succeeded in the first and most important step of this process, which is to show we can make these very early human stem cells in a dish. We have also discovered that one of the things that happens in these germ cells is that epigenetic mutations, the cell mistakes that occur with age, are wiped out.”

Does this mean that we can indulge in having immortal babies as a gastronomic delicacy?

Red Square wrote:There will be stable and unstable sexual identities, and some will be radioactive.

I've come across this, before. A large dose of penicillin usually alleviates the radioactivity.

Red Square wrote:Babies with two biological same-sex parents could become a reality in just two years

Researchers say sexual stereotypes can eventually be completely eliminated if all single-sex surnames become unisex surnames, and that this can slowly be accomplished by giving your new girl child a boy's name, like Dick, Rocky or Butch, and your new boy child a girl's name, like Bunny, Bambi or Tanya.

Researchers say coprophagics are really just the most discerning of all gourmets.

Global warming alert: Researchers say dihydrogen monoxide has already inundated 71% of the planet. If this trend continues, life as we know it (unless we are fish or squid) will end by 2025. Or maybe 2018. Or next week.

This is fearful news, Comrade Diaperette. Everyone knows (no one DENIES) that dihydrogen monoxide can cause asphyxiation, damaging oxydation of metal surfaces, and is frequently associated with sunburns and drunk guys on Ski-doos. It's awful stuff.




https://www.dhmo.org/truth/Dihydrogen-Monoxide.html

Peeps will be separated:




https://www.peepresearch.org/surgery.html

Researchers say "news" on some websites has become composed of 50% articles that are probably true but innocuous fluff that has no bearing on peoples lives, intermixed with another 50% that are nothing but deliberate misinformation, wild guesses, conjecture, fabrications and outright lies designed to influence public opinion, hoping readers who just scan the news will accept all as true by their close proximity.

For example, on Katie Couric's Yahoo News this morning:

1) 10 Things You Never Knew About Steve McQueen

2) Polar Bear's Shocking Appearance May Be Tied To Climate Change

3) 6 Spooky Objects and Monsters the Internet Found on Mars

4) Global warming hiatus could be coming to an end: UK's Met Office

Researchers have come out with what they see as an accurate overview of the 2016 election (and every one after that): A bunch of people will go around saying "Free stuff! Free stufff! I promise you free stuff!" Another bunch will say, "I won't let them touch your free stuff to pay for their free stuff!". Then on January 21 whoever wins will say, "When I promised you free stuff, I had no idea how much of a shambles the prior administration would have left. I'm just not able to give you all that free stuff."

Wow! I never knew anything about Steve McQueen. I'm glad that information is finally public.