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ROSENSTEIN: Team Mueller to be Replaced with Team Obama

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In a bombshell release overnight, the Deputy Attorney General of the US Department of Justice, Rod Rosenstein, announced the replacement of Robert Mueller's team of 13 Democrats, 3 independents, and zero Republicans, with a team led by out-of-retirement president Barack Obama.

Obama's Team will consist of 16 Democrats composed of an unbiased staffing of former Obama associates.

Among these will be Valerie Jarrett, Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder, Rahm Emmanuel, Van Jones, James Comey, John Brennan, Jim Clapper, Ben Rhodes, Mahmoud Abbas, and a few volunteers from CAIR. Hillary Clinton and Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Ca) will be "of counsel."

Each member will swear on the Holy Koran that they will never use deception, and will execute the job, we mean, the target of the Witch Hunt, er, investigation, as soon as possible, November 2020, or whichever comes later.

Reflecting on the recently released IG's report that described in excruciating detail the bias against the president within the DOJ and FBI high staff, Mueller said: there was no bias. However he admitted to massive mistakes in his hiring of only 13 partisan Democrats who donated heavily to the Hillary campaign without reporting the donations.

The mistake, Mueller admitted, is not having hired sixteen fully-vetted Democrats who hated Trump, and like Andrew Weissman, attended Hillary's victory party.

The three independents had no place on a team that by unanimity should have proved without any evidence that the Russians pulled 63 million levers nationwide to get Donald Trump elected. The proof of this assertion is that Trump bribed the Russians with $12 million and paid for a fake and fabricated dossier to defame, slander, and frame Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton's ignominious loss turned into a national tragedy of prosperity and full employment across the nation.

Her loss is the height of indecency for "it was her time."

Lastly, a travesty of social justice, because Trump is neither social, nor criminal.

The IG faulted Robert Mueller for not rehiring former DOJ head Loretta Lynch, who would have obviously done better at her job than the current head of Justice who was last seen standing eyes wide shut in a coma during the January 20, 2017 inauguration.

Reportedly the man had passed away, but with the cuts to the Federal Government, the president decided to reinstate him at lower cost than if he were alive.

The former president declined any comment on his new assignment, except to say that his new team will set the record straight about everything, including the newly-launched investigation into the proposed embalming of Jeff Sessions before he decomposed entirely. We will reverse the loss to Kenya and Islam of a powerful America threatening peace, and will help correct history once and for all, said Mr. Obama. Some of the policy changes promised are:

  • Reconstitute a nuclear and ICBM-armed Iran with procurements for the US military to be immediately transferred to Tehran in stacks of cash tied to crates.
  • In the pursuit of social justice and equality, reboot a nuclear armed North Korea with the latest technology formerly reserved for NATO, and reroute a portion of NASA's budget and research into ICBMs to be immediately transferred to Pyongyang.* Rehabilitate ISIS from its defeat by the current president, Inshallah, PBUH, into a manly, powerful armed force that will prevail against the Great Satan, followed by the transfer of former Guantanamo prisoners back to ISIS. The policy of removing weapons from the American military and arming our enemies will make America safer.
  • Aid the Russian expansionism in the currently-invaded Ukraine, formerly known as Crimea, into all of Ukraine, without any collusion with Vladimir Putin. Hillary Clinton will be tasked with the redesign of the latest version of the RESET BUTTON and Red Lines.
  • Remove all references to Donald Trump, MAGA, "making deals," the color red on baseball caps, and supermodels, from American history books, VOGUE, and the Library of Congress.
  • Deputy AG Rosenstein wrote in the latest Fatwa: "President Obama, the legitimate president, didn't do enough for the American people so far, and with these new appointments he will make certain to establish universal failure, end American and global prosperity, full employment, high stock prices, national security, happiness, and peace. He will give the nation what it really needs."


 
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