Schiff: Trump to dump Alaska and become King of Florida

Lead House Impeachment Manager Congressman Adam Schiff of California stated during closing arguments in the Senate trial that he had irrefutable proof President Trump was going to give Alaska back to the Russians.

He had learned about it just an hour ago, Schiff claimed, from an anonymous whistleblower who approached him during lunch. He was wearing a brown paper bag over his head with a hand-drawn picture of a whistle on it. The man told Schiff that he had overheard Donald Trump promising Vladimir Putin that he'd give him Alaska if Russia helped him to cheat in the 2020 election. The whistleblower couldn't repeat his words under oath, he said, because Trump's henchmen were everywhere and the man was afraid for his life. But as a patriot worried about our democracy, he couldn't stay silent.

Schiff's new evidence of the latest Trump-Russia collusion was a Wikipedia page detailing the sale of Alaska by Russia in 1867, and a smudgy photocopy of the check for $7.2 million U.S. dollars given by the U.S. President to the Russians in this deal.

The allegation sent shock waves through the Democratic side of the isle, followed by demands to call additional witnesses and to start a new impeachment probe. Republicans, however, appeared unimpressed and set on exonerating Trump on Wednesday. That caused Schiff to deliver an even more shocking pronouncement: he had a bombshell story from yet another whistleblower, and this time it was for real.

Just ten minutes ago, Schiff said, as he went to the restroom, a man in the next stall blew a whistle and told him a disturbing story about how he overheard Trump promising the French president Macron to give him back the Louisiana Purchase if France helped him cheat in the 2024 election. When Macron asked if any help was needed with this year's election, Trump said it had been subcontracted to Putin. The whistleblower had been hiding in that stall ever since, Schiff said. "He may be afraid to show his face, but as a patriot fearing for our democracy he couldn't remain silent."

Schiff's next slide was another Wikipedia page, which proved without any shadow of a doubt that the Louisiana Purchase comprised fifteen U.S. states and two Canadian provinces, including the entirety of Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska; large portions of North Dakota and South Dakota; the area of Montana, Wyoming, and Colorado east of the Continental Divide; the portion of Minnesota west of the Mississippi River; the northeastern section of New Mexico; northern portions of Texas; New Orleans and the portions of Louisiana west of the Mississippi River.

Calls for more witness testimonies and impeachment probes followed from the Democrats, this time less enthusiastically. The Republicans once again shrugged it off, weary of the three-and-a-half-year impeachment effort by the Democrats.

Adam Schiff then reached into his bag and, waving a stack of papers over his head, declared that he also had overwhelming evidence of Trump's collusion with Mexico, whereby Trump had promised President Obrador to undo the 1848 land deal in exchange for cheating in the 2028 election. That way the whole of California, Nevada, Utah, most of Arizona, about half of New Mexico, about a quarter of Colorado, and a small section of Wyoming would become Mexican provinces.

When that revelation had no effect, Congressman Schiff took a deep breath and claimed that he had personally seen Trump chatting with Boris Johnson on Twitter about returning all of the original British colonies, as well as Oregon, Idaho, parts of Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota back to Britain, in exchange for helping him to cheat in 2032.

Trump had also said he was planning to give the New York State to the Dutch for free. But that wasn't all.

In Schiff's words, President Trump wanted to exchange all of the American states for power and riches - all except Florida. Then he would declare himself King of Florida and retire in his Mar-A-Lago palace, leaving Jared Kushner to run what's left of the country, delegating to him the decision whether they go to war.

Schiff's speech was suddenly interrupted by a growing commotion on the Democratic side of the isle, which culminated in applause, cheers, and calls to acquit and reelect Donald Trump. As it turned out, the Democratic Senators gradually realized that if all their respective states were to become parts of France, Britain, and Mexico - the very countries they admired - why fight it? They'd been working to reshape America in the image of those countries anyway. It was a dream come true, and losing Alaska to Russia was a small price to pay for it.

That quickly escalated to both sides of the Senate uniting in a rare display of bipartisanship and voting to acquit Trump without delay, each party for their own reasons.
 

Schiff has met his hour, and his hour has kicked his ass.
 

Extraordinary. Schiff has lost his shit. Right up there with Nancy Pelosi ripping up Trump's speech on live TV.
 

 

I should've probaby written Czar of Florida instead of King of Florida. Oh well.

I will let the kollektive decide.
 

Papa Kalashnikook

Komrade P, your gif needs sound effects. At first I thought Komrade Pelousy was trying to play the old 'pants rip' practical joke on POTUS.



 

Clara - that video sounds more like Eric Swalwell. You're not saying that Comrade Pelosi ripped Trump's speech to cover the sounds coming out of her behind, are you? Because that would be accising your superior of a cover-up.

If and when Comrade Pelosi falls down from her high post, the Party will coldly stomp over her carcas and move forward. But until then she is infalible and must be worshipped, praised, and hashtagged #PelosiROCKS.
 

Greenland will beg King Trump to be a vassal state of the Kingdom of Florida.

- a comment by our Facebook comrade

 

Red Square

Schiff's new evidence of the latest Trump-Russia collusion was a Wikipedia page detailing the sale of Alaska by Russia in 1867, and a smudgy photocopy of the check for $7.2 million U.S. dollars given by the U.S. President to the Russians in this deal.
And Andrew Johnson was the first president to be impeached. Ironic, if you ask me.
 

 

Quote:

That way the whole of California, Nevada, Utah, most of Arizona, about half of New Mexico, about a quarter of Colorado, and a small section of Wyoming would become Mexican provinces.


'Tis only fair; after all, the United states stole half of Mexico with that immoral treaty. And what's worse, they stole the half with paved roads and electricity.
 

Generalissimo Santa Anna only wanted to provide his 1800 comrades a nice place to worship at the scenic Mission San Antonio de Bexar, but was oppressed by about 280 of Travis's Texians and their Mercenary Tennessean thugs. It took 13 days, but the religion of peace prevailed, so Santa Anna took his guys to vacation at the beach, near San Jacinto. He should have gone to Padre island.
 

 

Komissar al-Blogunov

In real life, I didn't think this could be parodied. You all know the feeling: you come up with something outrageous that is naturally humorous because of its exaggerated nature, and then Schiff says something. Pelosi recites poetry. You realize you've been outstupided by a factor of 20. But His Equalness has come through exceeding all Party™ quotas once again.

 

 

Cradle to Grave Marxist

Komissar al-Blogunov

In real life, I didn't think this could be parodied. You all know the feeling: you come up with something outrageous that is naturally humorous because of its exaggerated nature, and then Schiff says something. Pelosi recites poetry. You realize you've been outstupided by a factor of 20. But His Equalness has come through exceeding all Party™ quotas once again.

You cannot even make it up to be more stupid than the real Dems.

Oh, look here. Flying monkeys.