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Ted Turner has a meeting with God

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From the Zimbabwe Press Association

Ted Turner, famously known for scoffing established religion (“Christianity is a religion for losers”) has finally met God.

“I was flying in my Gulf Stream one morning about a month ago on my way to breakfast when suddenly a bright Light shone through the window,” the billionaire told a reporter in an interview on CNN today. “At first I thought it was the sun rising over the horizon, but then I realised it was more than that. It was as if the source of the light was right there in the cabin with me, and then it was as if it was inside my skull! I was paralyzed with fear, but peace whashed over me as I heard His Voice.

He said my name... “Ted!”

I could not respond; my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth.

“Ted!” He said again.

This time I mustered all my strength and answered, “Yes?”

“You must bring My Message to the People, Ted!”

“Yes?”
~
“I have made you rich beyond your wildest dreams, I have given you power and women beyond your imagination. I have made you Master of CNN, Ted!”

At this point I felt I had to correct Him. “Well, actually that was Me and Capitalism...”

“SILENCE!”

I cringed. I am used to giving orders, not receiving them.

“You shall use your power of CNN to bring MY Message Ted! This is the reason I allowed you not to be aborted! This is your Destiny, Ted! This is the culmination of all your work! YOU SHALL USE CNN TO BRING MY MESSAGE TO THE WORLD!”

And then it was as if an IMAX movie was projected on the vault of my skull. I was flying over the Mexican Gulf. There was an oil rig far below. A massive Bolt of Lightning came straight from Heaven and struck the oil rig with a terrible explosion. Immediately a plume of black oil started to seep into the blue water of the Gulf. It was a terrible thing to witness.

“When you watch CNN in a few hours you will see that it is true, and you will know that I am who I am, and you will bring this message: “Thus sayeth the Lord: Unless thou stoppeth Drilling for Oil and Burning Oil and Coal, I Shall Smite your Oil Rigs and Your Coal Mines One By One! For too long hast thou Suffocated Gaia with your Carboniferous Fumes! IT MUST END NOW, OR YOUR END IS NIGH!”

When asked what God looked like, Mr Turner answered that he could not see Him, the Light was too bright.

“But He did sound a bit like Al Gore...”, the billionaire added.

This afternoon Mr Robert Gibbs said in a short statement, “While the Obama administration strongly believes in Separation of Church and State, the president does feel that Mr Turner is a true visionary and has an important message for the world. We should all take heed!”

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Oh my! Foolish me, I always thought that dear Comrade Teddy's true god was $. Is he not a good Prog? Say it ain't so!

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Comrade Ted knows that exploiting other people's misery to brag "I told ya so" about the environmental impact of drilling for oil would be shallow and juvenile. So he's blaming it on God instead.



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Update from the Zimbabwe Press Association

https://www.businessgreen.com/business- ... -plan-30mw

Some people in conservative circles have questioned Mr Turner's sincerity, since it is a well known fact that he has millions invested in the renewable energy business.

Mr Turner admits that he will make millions in Renewable Energy if the oil price should rise, but answered his critics, "Just because God decided to become a partner in my lucrative solar energy company does not mean that He will not deliver on His threats. You must remember: God, as share holder in my company, now has a vested interest in the demise of the fossil fuel industry. All I can tell those evil oil companies is this: Beware of crossing swords with the Big Man. This is a fight you cannot win!"

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Obamugabe, me thinks Herr Turner was positively affected some time ago by an unforeseen force that finally brought him around to the glory of collectivism.

Before that moment of enlightenment, I understand he was a rabid capitalist.

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Comrade Buffoon wrote:Obamugabe, me thinks Herr Turner was positively affected some time ago by an unforeseen force that finally brought him around to the glory of collectivism.
Before that moment of enlightenment, I understand he was a rabid capitalist.
I believe Turner was more moved by Papa Obama bending over to bow
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