Without going into the ghastly details of my late wife's gruesome accidental demise (as related to Genosee Dumkopf in 2020), my respectable time of mourning is over and I'm once again on the market and in the market.

Since I am a quasi-human product of a socialist military scientific experiment, my needs and my tastes are unnaturally naturally simian. Therefore, I can't just go down to the malt shop or the hop or wherever you kids go today to get some stanky on your hang-down a mate. No, I have to search carefully with a very narrow set of parameters.

So, since we live in a computer age, I decided to go on line to conduct my quest for a new mate. Searching Yandex, I found an obscure website that offered Russian mail-order brides for a mere $20,000 USD (no returns) and there I posted my personal ad on their virtual typewriter (which does italics).

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I instantly got almost two replies before I found my match:

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I think I'm in love but something about her is suspicious. A bit too human, maybe? Let me know what you think.

Colonel Obyezyana wrote: I think I'm in love but something about her is suspicious. A bit too human, maybe? Let me know what you think.

Thinking, my dear Comrade, is unauthorized. Setting that aside, however, I must note that your prospective mate is a bit bald of fur in many places, with bare skin exposed. There may be a mange problem. But then again, it may be only a human problem.

RedDiaperette wrote:I must note that your prospective mate is a bit bald of fur in many places, with bare skin exposed.

Yes, I see that now Comrade RedDiaperette, but mange is not likely since there is a purposeful, tempting pattern there.

Perhaps she is part Brazilian. I've heard that their women do strange, non-candle rituals with hot wax that causes temporary fur removal.

Maybe that's just how gorillas are wearing their fur nowadays? There's just no telling when it comes to fashion.

If you feel she might be 'the one' I'd suggest putting your feelings into verse.
I'm nobody's poet, but perhaps something like:

If you like coconut milk
And gettin' caught in the rain forest
If you are anti-fascist
And you have no mange
If you like picking fleas at midnight
Off a neck or a nape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me, an ex-ape

Panem Et Circenses wrote:I'm nobody's poet

Don't sell yourself short, Comrade. You have written a pretty little ditty that reminds me somewhat of a song by Rupert Holmes, whoever he is.

I might have tried your suggestion later, after I put the lime in the coconut and drank 'em both together, but the $20,000 USD fee makes it unnecessary to woo her. After travel expenses, all I have to pay for is maintenance, and I have a cost-cutting measure if maintenance becomes too expensive.

You think of everything. I'm just a real estate novelist - never had time for a wife - so I'm unfamiliar with the ways of the other sex. I didn't even think of maintenance costs!

Oops, did I just say 'the other sex'? Backwards thinking - I meant to say 'unfamiliar with the ways of all the other genders'.

Panem Et Circenses wrote:Oops, did I just say 'the other sex'? Backwards thinking

You made no mistake, Comrade. There are only two biological sexes and three linguistic genders.

As the true majority Party of Bolsheviks, we are not obliged to conform to the bizarre socio-political contortions and language games of the globalist Bullshevik pretenders.

jackalopelipsky wrote:These globalist Bullshevik pretenders have messed with the wrong Gorilla

They sure have!

Due to the "nature" of their suit, their case will be heard by none other than my cousin, Judge Boleslav Simeonov Obyezyana.

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And you should see his bailiff,[attachment=0]KCB.jpg[/attachment]
They don't stand a chance.