THE HUNT... for Lena Dunham's rapist Republican

The mystery continues, comrades.

We continue to be eluded by the Republican rapist, formerly known as "Barry," who forced himself onto liberal heartthrob Lena Dunham.

All we seem to really know about this individual is he was the "campus resident conservative," wore purple boots, had a voice like Barry White, and, according to comrade Dunham, he had a "mustache that rode the line between ironic Williamsburg fashion and big buck hunter." And, by all deduction, he had bad taste in women.

Although I cannot say for sure who this imaginary evil culprit is, my investigation has turned up a few possible profiles.
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I, for one, hope they find this perv soon...
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Comrades, as Rolling Stone becomes another checkout counter journalistic publication, the critical mass of campus rape incidents has reached the hallowed halls of Sacramento. Finally in California the glorious progressive legislatures have taken the task to remedy these fraternities from suddenly going hog wild raping every female in sight by creating a bill of “predestination.” A new wonderful written law now defines sexual consent completely. As recently defined, Yes means Yes, rather than using the refrain "no means no," this concept defines the definition of consent and requires "an affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity." The good news is that the definition of rape will also include any sexual contact that occurs when one participant is intoxicated, or when one participant quietly assents to sex without affirmatively declaring “Yes” and must use the word “Yes” beforehand and “Yes” during the act of sex itself. The state legal doctrine becomes the primary truth which is dependent for its truth on no other principle, as in the same order of thought, which therefore determines that all allegations at college campuses be accepted without question by authorities. This glorious law will simply insure that there will be less crime, the trains will run on schedule, Republicans will be finally run out and obesity related health conditions will be the only problems on campus. Comrades, you can say what you want about progressives and Lena Dunham, but they certainly know a thing or two about bringing people together.
 

 

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Let me apologize in advance for the length of this response... but this is most urgent!

As you all know, if I am anything it is a problem solver but I do not know anything about smartphone apps... I do not have a smartphone. I am not worthy!

Perhaps this app exists? If not - someone could make some money! Don't forget where you got the idea!

The app would record your question depending on the stage of your relationship:

May I continue to kiss you?
May I continue to fondle your breasts?
May I continue to fondle your Kim Kardashian size ass?
May I continue to 'bone you like I own you?'

You get the idea.

Your partner would respond in the affirmative - if you are lucky - and your smartphone would now be able to recognize his/her voice for future sampling.

Now all you have to do is set the timer for the length of time between inquiries - your smartphone would ask the question and record the response. State and/or federal guidelines would mandate the maximum interval between inquiries. If your partner does not respond within 5 seconds the authorities are notified of your transgression and your GPS location by your very own smartphone! The app would record all responses for future court cases.

For example:




So... problemo solved... and you are welcome!

(By the way... I suppose Ivan would call his app 'THE FAPPER' but I'm not sure that would be an appropriate title for the rest of us. Any thoughts on this?)

 

LOL ^^^

But I think the issue is not the issue here.

Just like Barack Obama's female interest in his autobiography turned out to be a "composite girlfriend," Lena Dunham's Republican is merely a "composite rapist" made of various figments of her erotic encounters.
 

Correction Comrade, Red Square.....made of various figments of her imagined erotic encounters....most likely from reading Anais Ninn stories
 

Comrade Putout

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Let me apologize in advance for the length of this response... but this is most urgent!

As you all know, if I am anything it is a problem solver but I do not know anything about smartphone apps... I do not have a smartphone. I am not worthy!

Perhaps this app exists? If not - someone could make some money! Don't forget where you got the idea!

The app would record your question depending on the stage of your relationship:

May I continue to kiss you?
May I continue to fondle your breasts?
May I continue to fondle your Kim Kardashian size ass?
May I continue to 'bone you like I own you?'

You get the idea.

Your partner would respond in the affirmative - if you are lucky - and your smartphone would now be able to recognize his/her voice for future sampling.

Now all you have to do is set the timer for the length of time between inquiries - your smartphone would ask the question and record the response. State and/or federal guidelines would mandate the maximum interval between inquiries. If your partner does not respond within 5 seconds the authorities are notified of your transgression and your GPS location by your very own smartphone! The app would record all responses for future court cases.


So... problemo solved... and you are welcome!



Leave it to Comrade Putout to solve the problem! "Aps for Apes" - I like it! Just look at the confused expression on this Neanderthal's face.


 

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COMPOSITE RAPIST
REPUBLICAN MODEL
VER-4.2.3 (BUILD 5398)

Features:
1 - Shiny purple boots
2 - Magnum mustache
3 - Campus resident conservative
4 - Works at radio station
5 - Crotch grabbing wingsquirrel

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"This is the rapist I have been looking for!" Lena Dunham



 

But* ... but ... but ... comrades, this is all so SEXXXXIST! Once again, the womyn is given no option of initiating, but must wait to be asked. No, no, no! For years we have fought against this discriminatory placing of the feminine in passive relationship to the masculine (if you will please excuse these homotransophobic binary terms). There must also be such questions as: May I envelop you? With this orifice? Perhaps, then, with this orifice? Well, how about this orifice? ... And so on.


* Note that the word is "but" with only one "t." Please do not make jokes about nether regions. Save jokes for the app that questions about orifices.
 

RedDiaperette... shy Chairman Meow has something to say concerning what you

But* ... but ... but ...


* Note that the word is "but" with only one "t." Please do not make jokes about nether regions. Save jokes for the app that questions about orifices.
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Red Square

LOL ^^^

But I think the issue is not the issue here.

On the contrary, comrade. The issue is precisely the issue. To be concise, the male bodily issue is where the issue lies. The issues is of when, how and why the male bodily issue should, or should not, be issued at all and what, if any, are the issuing consequences of said issue. I do hope this cleans the issue up.

Red Square

Just like Barack Obama's female interest in his autobiography turned out to be a "composite girlfriend," Lena Dunham's Republican is merely a "composite rapist" made of various figments of her erotic encounters.

Evidence has emerged that could, in the current media climate of disdain for facts, implicate Deer Leader in the unfortunate encounter. Especially considering that so many members of the media are telling us how confused the memories of rape victims tend to be.........




 

For crying out loud, comrades. Why should we waste time trying to hunt down one very specific Republican on the basis of purple boots and Magnumstache, etc., when ALL Republicans are rapists? They are all rapists as surely as they are all racists. It’s no coincidence that one need only change a single letter for that. They’re insane ragists, too!

There is no such thing as a “nice” Republican. There is no such thing as a Republican who’s supposedly “just like you and me,” because if there were, guess what, all you borderline geniuses? They’d be forward progressive liberal Democrats!

There is no such thing as a Republican who isn’t a total whackjob. They are all hating haters who want to take all of our rights and entitlements and free stuff away from us and make us starve to death. That’s if they don’t shoot us first, because all Republicans are gun-toting gun nuts.

Comrade Lena wasn’t just raped by one single Republican—she was raped by all of them. All of us are being raped by all of them, all of the time, whether literally or figuratively through their policies that serve only one purpose—to rape all of us as a violent show of their hatred of everyone and everything except their own ill-gotten power!

Don’t condemn just one. Damn them all, dammit!
 

Hey, Pinkie,

I have a Progressive friend (who lives in Hawaii) who recently went through a divorce. She, having custody of her two young children, a girl and a boy, both under 12 years old, complained that her son, being subject to the Progressive Hawaiian homeboys abuse, was setting fires in their garage and YouTubing them to friends.

Her major worry about this was that he would turn out to be a Republican! That's right. Not an axe-murderer, serial killer, but a Republican!

She recently sent this son to Southern California to live with her sister, who has a tenured position at a major college. She has a Masters Degree in Women's Studies.

All reports say he is much improved, and not setting those silly fires in SoCal.

She plans to join him in SoCal soon. She says she is, like so OVER Hawaii.

PROGRESS!

PS: I ABSOLUTELY DO DAMN THEM ALL! THE MOFOS! I'M DONE DONE WITH BEING MS NICE GUY! GET WITH THE PROGRAM OR DIE! WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU LISTENING?

I know you're listening. You just don't care. I get it. I'm not sure what to do next.
 

Comrade Putout

RedDiaperette... shy Chairman Meow has something to say concerning what you

But* ... but ... but ...


* Note that the word is "but" with only one "t." Please do not make jokes about nether regions. Save jokes for the app that questions about orifices.

Good news, Comrades! Mrs. Meow saw this and knocked me into the Glorious World of Next Tuesday ™.

 

A quick shave, and its the perfect crime...