My fellow comrades:

I want to start by talking to you about the Barbie doll.

Barbie has caused nothing but trouble for the past fifty years. According to feminists, who must know more about womanhood than anyone—after all, they're not just women, but feminists—but according to them, until Barbie was invented in 1959, women never had any unrealistic expectations about how they should look. In fact, they never cared how they looked at all, and they most certainly never did anything ridiculous or dangerous in the name of improving their looks to satisfy some passing fad. From the time they evolved from living in trees, women were proud to go out and about looking as natural as if—well, as if they had yet to evolve from living in trees.

Then Barbie came along.

No thanks to her, millions of girls like myself grew up thinking we had to look exactly like her: High cheekbones, face exquisitely made up with permanent cosmetics that never smeared or ran, hair that shoots out two feet from the back of the head when put in a ponytail; perfectly formed rock hard breasts, tiny waist, feet always in tippy-toe position; and our manufacturer's trademark and copyright embossed on our butts.

Over the past half century, girls have starved themselves for that tiny waistline. Had the exquisite makeup permanently applied just like Barbie's. Teased their hair mercilessly to make those deadly comet-like ponytails, only to get nothing but “punk spikes.” Went in for silicone implants that made the breasts perfectly formed and hard—but at the cost of great pain. Speaking of which, I couldn't sit down for a month after going to a tattoo parlor to get my manufacturer's trademark and copyright that I thought I should have on my backside because it was the only way to attract handsome, well tanned, dickless guys like Ken.


And then there are all the accessories that come with Barbie: The Dream House, the Dream Dune Buggy, the Dream RV, the Dream Spa, and don't even get me started on the clothes. All these did was promote materialism, which in turn fed the oppressive capitalist machine that sought only to enslave the masses by taking their money in exchange for products that gave them even more ideas about spending more money on even more products that do nothing but pollute the planet. Indeed, I grew up wanting a Dream House and a dune buggy with big pink flowers on it.


But no more. At last, our daughers have the doll who is the perfect role model. She's just like us—or if she isn't, we certainly want to be just like her. My fellow comrades, I give you The Michelle Obama Doll!

Unlike Barbie, she's more than just another pretty doll--she's an action figure, too!

Now this is how we want to look, girls! We want a huge, bobble-like head, just like Michelle's! We want her beautiful toned arms and visible elbow joints. We want her big flat Olive Oyl feet. We want her hands that look like lobster claws. We want her unrealistic tiny waistline, instead of Barbie's unrealistic tiny waistline, because Michelle, at least, is a real person!

We want breasts when we wear purple . . .

[center][attachment=1]article-0-06CEAC36000005DC-285_224x613.jpg[/attachment][/center]
. . . and none when we dress like a black widow spider:

I can hardly wait for the Michelle Obama doll accessories: Sneakers with sparkly pink toe caps, cardigans that button crooked, enormous belts to wear around the cardigans when Michelle doesn't feel like using the buttons, and best of all, the Dream White House decorated with Dream Artwork that says deep insightful things like “Maybe”, and Michelle's Dream Organic Garden (shovels and ho's not included, sold separately.)

Now, let me be perfectly clear: There are those who will say that wanting those accessories also promote capitalism, just like Barbie. But I'm here to tell you now--that's just not true. On the contrary, such accessories will encourage girls to be just like Michelle Obama: Big footed. Big belted. And above all—big headed.

For the first time in my life, I feel proud to play with dolls.

Dolls is not just for womyn anymore! For years, the non-womyn had so-called "action figures" (which was just a capitalist euphemism for dolls, made to appeal to the aggressive tendencies of the non-womyn) like GI Joe, Mr. Machine, Buzz Lightyear, etc. What we non-womyn need is an INACTION FIGURE, someone to give us the teachable moments that equivocation, indecisiveness, passivity, etc,are dersirable manly non-womynly traits. Who shall we use for this example? Might I suggest the Barrack Hussein Obama Inaction Figure.... coming soon to a political toy store near you.

. . . zzt. . . bzz. . . does not compute! (head explodes)

. . . restart in progress. . .

Forgive me fellow Cubists, my CPU fried on me, so I had to repair it.

Anyway, if I have womyn (plural) children , this will be an excellent toy for them to own, only one toy for all of them though, after all, Michelle would want it that way, everyone sharing. Besides, if I get more then one for them, they might see the differences amongst the dolls (how I don't know, but children are like that) and fight for the better one.

Say Pinkie, you forgot a few of the missing accesories: A whip (to keep the man in his place of course), a lobster dinner on a silver platter complete with a butler with mighty serving butler actions, the Jumbo Jet complete with French homes, stores, and of course the Eiffel Tower to give the living room a scenic French taste, a sparkly purse with real diamonds, a camera complete with media hyena and camera crew, a sporty car and so on. . .

Lenin bless socialism .

When I was a young lad I'd send my green army guys behind enemy lines (my sister's bedroom) to kidnap her Barbie (aka: Mata Hari).

They'd subject her to all manner of torture to make her talk, she never did.

One day my GI Joe decided to shave her head as a mark of shame for being a collaborator. Boy did I ever catch hell for that.

That doesn't do the First Lady justice. What we need is a Mr and Mrs Potato Head kit of the Obamas. You know, funny plastic ears and eyes and mouths and funny clothes that you stick into potatoes.

Are you sure you have the latest model?<P><IMG SRC="https://www.moonbattery.com/improved-mi ... attery.com

Oooh, Ivana, you have the talking ones with more belts! Can I come over and play?

There are also these creaky old things. Judging from his left hand (and he happens to be left-handed) I can't help wondering if The One isn't like that guy on Seinfeld who had to be fed by Cub Scouts because he wasn't master of his domain.



Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse is missing his best pair of black dress shoes.
<br>http://backseatcuddler.com/2009/04/20/b ... from-hell/

Could I get a discount if I buy in bulk? I would like every girl in my state to have one. As overseer of fashion, tattoos, and arm band placement here in Kalifornia, I know that the young female citizens have had enough of the Barbie image. It makes them feel like they "stick out" from their peers. Also, parents here are tired of financing perfect boobs and perfect feet and ears. (Beets don't go far in a kaptialistic society) Which is why Kapitalism is evil. Barbie can and must be replaced by the Barbama couple. Parents will be joining The Party by the droves when they see the life-changing benefits of belonging to the Society of Equals. What a relief!

Shipment fees should be low since there is a train coming this way anyway. The camps were getting a little sparce, and must be replenished.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Oooh, Ivana, you have the talking ones with more belts! Can I come over and play?

There are also these creaky old things. Judging from his left hand (and he happens to be left-handed) I can't help wondering if The One isn't like that guy on Seinfeld who had to be fed by Cub Scouts because he wasn't master of his domain.



Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse is missing his best pair of black dress shoes.
<br>http://backseatcuddler.com/2009/04/20/b ... from-hell/

The doll above looks an awful lot like Pat Schroeder to me (a ghost of congresses past)

I will immediately order my Michelle doll - and cancel my Playboy subscription

Obamugabe

Yay! Machelle Doll I want one, but since the doll is 6 inches tall and I am several hundred, I would never be able to hold it.

Maybe I could kidnap Machelle and coat her in plastic to make my own! Or would that be dissloyality to the Party?

Is there some Commissar out there who can confiscate several meters of my height and redistribut it to the less fortunate dolls? after all, godvernment redistribution solves all problems!

Comrade Cthulhu,

Perhaps Comrade Obamugabe might help in this matter. He is a master of redistribution.

There should be a Commissarka Pinkie Doll. That would be the perfect doll/role model.

For you Commissarka (one of my favorite music vids):

And then there's that Beach Boys Classic:

"I Wish They All Could Be Michelle Obama Girls!"

For those who may not be so into dolls, here is a Michelle Obama Magnet you can put on your refrigerator. You will be able to direct your adoring gaze upon her every time you are in search of food and/or drink. As an added bonus, everyone in your household can share equally, no fighting. Now I realize this photo is missing the belt and shoes, but the arms are great!






The best part? It's only $5.00 at the NBC Store. You can support our Dear First Lady and favorite network at the same time! What a deal!!!





If you're thinking about dieting, could also be used as an appetite suppressant.

Pinkie... I saw a headline on my homepage about the arms on the Michelle doll, and i just knew you would have an hilarious take on this. You never disappoint. LMAO.

Comrade Lenin 'n' Things,

Yes. I agree.

Comrade Pinkie,

Finally, the Barbie days are gone, and we have someone real to emulate.


Wearing shoes with heels are one of those many styles so hated by the Birkenstock earth mothers. But, for some women who walk too much in flats, without strong quads, they can develop a condition called "condramalatia patella" where the knee caps are rubbed raw on the back side from misaligned leg bones, and underdeveloped quads.

One of the best therapies to improve quad strength is to wear shoes with heels, not necessarly 4 inch heels, but at least 2 inch heel. And, just in case you didn't already know, nothing takes the pressure off of your lower back better than wearing shoes with at least a little bit of a heel, proving that Grannies aren't the ninnies that the anti-heel earth mothers are.

Komradka Kommissarka,

A most equal rant. I found your history of Barbie and her oppression of us women especially amusing enlightening.

How naive I was as a child, thinking that I was simply playing with a toy when in fact I was being subliminally brainwashed by an instrument of the bourgeoisie. It has worked so well, in fact, that I still have doubts that I've actually been brainwashed. I don't think I actually want to look all plasticky and fake like Barbie, but the Feminazis Feminists say I do; therefore, they must be right!!

[Prog off]

LOL Pinkie!!

{Prog on, dudes}

oh dear! Great Leaders Equal Life Partner is fortunate to live in the [white] House
where the thermostats go up to 85.... her natural Perfect Thinness would be a disadvantage among the Lumpenproletariat. We prefer well-rounded, large-breasted Womyn for their body heat (and sturdy offspring). She has worked so hard to lose her Badonkadonk!

Pinkie,
A lightbulb has come on in the collective kitchen!

Tomorrow morning at breakfast, if it is approved by The Party, we shall have a life-sized sculpture of the "Great Leaders Equal Life Partner" made entirely of beets and potatoes, at each table's centerpiece!

Off: I'm definately going to get some 2 inch heels.

Boy howdy, the gulags are going to be full this winter. I've seen so many new comrades coming in (non-troll ones) in a matter of three days. Is our 1 year plan working, or is the Cube spreading in power?

Comrade Elliott,

It may spread so big, there might be a considerable number of eligible females proles for you to choose from.

Michelle is a great model, of course. But I would still really love to have a doll made after Commissarka Pinkie doing her morning exercises in the kitchen.


I obtained this secretly made footage from Michael D. Barrett, the same Chicagoan who videotaped ESPN reporter Erin Andrews.

But seriously, it came from this highly controversial page.

Soviet women + underwear = sexy: not really

To all the Female Comrades,

I have to admit, I also played with dolls as a young prog. It seemed to make the fairer sex to take a real shine to me for some strange reason. They were all so happy the day I sported my first 'Woody'. I must admit I was popping tall that day with pride myself.

Red Square wrote:Michelle is a great model, of course. But I would still really love to have a doll made after Commissarka Pinkie doing her morning exercises in the kitchen.

I like the idea of a Commissarka Pinkie doll! And with all the accessories--shovel, Dream Dacha, beets, vodka; and eventually a talking Pinkie, kung fu grip Pinkie (the better to wield that shovel), and that old doll standby, the drink-and-wet Malibu Pinkie.

In fact, we could do a whole line of People's Cube action figures, and Red Square's would be the easiest to make. You just get one of those phony hands that are widely available now because of Halloween, and nestle a People's Cube in it. Or if that doesn't work, cut your own hand off.

We can make a Leninka doll with all those different hairdos she's sported in the past. And a Red Rooster doll that lays eggs (eggs not included, sold separately).

And I especially like the idea of a one-size-fits-all brassiere. It's never been fair that some women have bigger bazoombas than others.

We must (ahem) level the playing field so we are all equal! Surely you male comrades have no quarrel with that?

Snoogie-Woogums: And I'll bet you brag to all the girls that your Woody goes to infinity and beyond.

We'll make you the drink-and-wet doll.

I like, I like! prrrt

Have you ever wondered about Pinkie's fascination with dolls? This rare footage explains it. She was a greedy little tyke unwilling to share her dolls with the collective! Just look at that resentful face! Look at the threatening eyebrow!


WARNING: Discard this image from your mind after viewing, lest you begin to think that greed is a natural human quality present in everyone and not, in fact, something the KKKapitalist establishment deliberately implants into the souls of pure, greedless and selfless proletarian children!

Red Square wrote:Have you ever wondered about Pinkie's fascination with dolls? This rare footage explains it. She was a greedy little tyke unwilling to share her dolls with the collective! Just look at that resentful face! Look at the threatening eyebrow!


WARNING: Discard this image from your mind after viewing, lest you begin to think that greed is a natural human quality present in everyone and not, in fact, something the KKKapitalist establishment deliberately implants into the souls of pure, greedless and selfless proletarian children!

I denounce Comrade Red Square!

Pinkie was Commissarka of baby dolls early in here career, selflessly serving the Motherland!

Without her not a doll was produced for the grand-daughters of the Revolution!
(evidently, Comrade Red Square did not take care of his doll and lost it! For shame!)

Long live Pinkie!

You're both way off.

Actually, I was playing Child Advocacy Activist, trying to protect the children from evil Republicans who wanted to take away their federal lunch programs and starve them, place them in two parent families that weren't even same sex, and fill their impressionable little minds full of claptrap like "God" and personal responsibility, and the conservatives' sick, twisted notion of patriotism that has nothing to do with paying taxes and supporting single payer health care.

I also liked to play ACORN worker, in which I would register the dolls to vote and pack them into my little red wagon to take them from poll to poll. (In fact, I can't think of any reason why we still can't do that.)

I also enjoyed playing "anti-war rally" with them, where Barbie would bare her boobs. If you saw me hoarding dolls like this on other occasions, then I was also playing at trying to protect them from those evil child predators known as military recruiters.

As you can see, I was a precocious progressive prodigy.

Leninka wrote:Comrade Elliott,

It may spread so big, there might be a considerable number of eligible females proles for you to choose from.

But if I chose, I'd be leaving out the other equal contenders. Course, this is why I have the Party choose for me, so I don't have to feel bad about my choice.

Red Square wrote:Have you ever wondered about Pinkie's fascination with dolls? This rare footage explains it. She was a greedy little tyke unwilling to share her dolls with the collective! Just look at that resentful face! Look at the threatening eyebrow!


WARNING: Discard this image from your mind after viewing, lest you begin to think that greed is a natural human quality present in everyone and not, in fact, something the KKKapitalist establishment deliberately implants into the souls of pure, greedless and selfless proletarian children!

I think my soul just froze a little bit.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:You're both way off.

Actually, I was playing Child Advocacy Activist, trying to protect the children from evil Republicans who wanted to take away their federal lunch programs and starve them, place them in two parent families that weren't even same sex, and fill their impressionable little minds full of claptrap like "God" and personal responsibility, and the conservatives' sick, twisted notion of patriotism that has nothing to do with paying taxes and supporting single payer health care.

I also liked to play ACORN worker, in which I would register the dolls to vote and pack them into my little red wagon to take them from poll to poll. (In fact, I can't think of any reason why we still can't do that.)

I also enjoyed playing "anti-war rally" with them, where Barbie would bare her boobs. If you saw me hoarding dolls like this on other occasions, then I was also playing at trying to protect them from those evil child predators known as military recruiters.

As you can see, I was a precocious progressive prodigy.

Commissarka Pinkie,

All the above was certainly implied in my denouncement!

I now denounce myself for not showing my unserving and to the death support of the Commissarka more eloquently and more clearly!

Comrade Reiuxcat! Report to the re-eduction camps immediately! And don't forget your shovel!!!

ulp, YES SIR!!!

Earlier today, the spousal unit and I availed ourselves of our veterans' benefits by paying a visit to the exchange store at our local military installation, where we spotted this:

http://www.thecollectionshop.com/Presid ... _Obama.asp



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It is 14" high, though it's not clear if that's with or without checkerboard base. It's being offered to military members through the exchange for $199.

RED! Pinkie doing exercises in her kitchen...AND SHE WASN'T WEARING HER HEAD SCARF?! I LIKE it...ooo, that's just so ...dirty....

Considering you're just a Brain in a Jar, I realize you don't get much action, Betinov, but I really wouldn't get too excited if I were you--though I don't know whether to be flattered or look upon you as pathetic.

It just so happens I was wearing a black headscarf along with black underwear as I was in mourning for Ted Kennedy at the time this picture was taken.

You comrades just keep up all the smears about my alleged greed and indecent exposure. For every one of my so-called slip-ups, I can give an explanation that would make Anita Dunn weep.