The doorbell at the Rancho de Rio Grande rang. And rang. "Bruno!" I yelled, quit playing with your cubic zirconium and answer the damned door!"

"Aw, Theocritus, do I have to? They're so shiny and are..."

"Answer the goddamned door, you silly queen!"

"All right," Bruno sulked. "Be that way."

With a huge sigh, and rolling his eyes, Bruno rose to his feet and shuffled to the door. Then I heard a scream. "Theocritus! Run! It's a velociraptor! I'll try to hold it off! Run! Run!" His voice was drowned out by screeching on the other side of the door.

Bruno started to try to force the door closed but a taloned foot crossed the sill and wouldn't be moved even when Bruno put his shoulder to it. The cawing and screeching increased in volume. Then a clawed hand appeared on the jamb and I recognized it.

"Bruno! Bruno! Stop!"

"Theocritus, that thing will kill us! You haven't seen it like I have!"

"Bruno, the whole world has seen it. It's Nanski Peloski. Let her in!"

I ran over to the door and pulled Bruno off, and he stood, white, shaking and sweating. "Theocritus, I don't care what you say. That's a velociraptor, not the Speaker of the House." The door opened and in came Madam Speaker. "Nanski!" I bowed a bow I learned from Lord Obama to the King of Saudi Arabia. "So good to see you! It's been too long."

Nanski strutted in, her talons marking the terrazzo floor, and opened her mouth. "Theocritus, I've come for some advice which only you, as a highly Made Progressive can give me."

"Always at your service, Nanski. What is it?"

Nanski started to speak, and then coughed up some rabbit fur and spat it out.

"Come inside, Nanski, come inside and have a seat. Can I get you anything?" Nanski started toward the living room, and at that time a nano Jimmy Carter rabbit went scurrying across the room. Faster than the eye could follow, Nanski entered a stoop and and grabbed it with her left hand, held her head back and swallowed it whole. "Damn, Theocritus, that's good. What have you been feeding them? They get better and better."

"Oh, Soylent Green made from the stuff on my impaling stakes in the south 40."

"Whatever it is, it's great. Would you like to cater the Congressional Mess? That little morsel would go down great. Just make sure you have flapjacks for Arlen Specter. And kielbasa for Bonnie Fwank.

"But that's not why I came here. Theocritus, we're having a public-relations problem. The legacy media, which will soon be the only media once we get in the Fairness Doctrine and throw Limbaugh in jail for looking at me funny, has been ignoring all those crazed, right-wing, hate-filled zealots in the tea parties. I mean, how could anyone look at a crowd of people protesting and not be terrified when they don't curse or break things or even litter? It's frightening, I tell you. Those people aren't human.

"But they're out there, Theocritus. They're out there. And they're angry with us. I know we're screwing them big-time, but that's what we do. We take money and liberty from people and reward our cronies. That's us, Theocritus. You know that as well as anyone."

"Of course, Nanski. That's who we are. We take as much as possible and tell people not to be selfish. And when they object that they're getting ripped off and royally screwed, we tell them they're mean spirited. They're dumb enough to care about that, and so we say it again, and pass more laws and raise more taxes."

Nanski took up where I stopped, "And we give that money to more of our cronies, and get more people dependent on us, and we grow, grow, grow government." Nanski was so excited by this that she hopped up on the back of the couch and perched there, her talons tearing holes in the leather.

"But, Theocritus, they don't feel that they're getting anything for the royal screwing that we're giving them."

"Well, Nanski, they, in point of fact, aren't."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all that." Nansky belched and spat out a ball of nano Jimmy Carter rabbit fur. "Damn. As good coming up as going down.

"Now where was I? Oh yeah. I don't give a damn about giving them anything but less money and more regulation either but we have to have better PR. Do you have any ideas?"

"I was thinking about this just the other day. We can't possibly backtrack on any of this statism or socialism..." Nanski joined in and we said in unison, "because that's who we are..." I continued, "but I have a solution. We'll take, in all, 75% of their money, and tell them..."

Nanski joined in "...it's for the children..."

"Or those freaking polar bears," Bruno chimed in.

"Bruno, don't you have a wig to set?" Turning back to Nanski I went on, "...but we have to give them something back. I mean, taking nearly two trillion dollars is a lot and getting screwed that much must really hurt. It would if I paid taxes."

Nanski laughed, "You and me both. Like dear Leona said, 'We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.' Damn I miss her."

"Nanski, what if after taking 75% of their income and giving each taxpayer his own minder, we just give them back $250 each? We'll tell them it will stimulate growth."

"But we can't get away with calling it another stimulus bill. The sheeple are beginning to realize that it doesn't work."

"Let me think, Nanski. Let me think..."

Bruno broke in. "I can't believe you two. You're supposed to be the smart ones. It will be called the Nanski Peloski Reach-Around Bill."

"That is!" Nanski cawed. "That's perfect. The Nanski Peloski Reach-Around Bill. That way they'll forget what's being done to them."

With that Nanski hopped off the back of the couch, which was sliced to ribbons, and walked to the door, shouting, "Zoom! Zoom! I'm off in my 757 for the Nanski Peloski Reach-Around Bill! Thank you, Bruno. I'll have Susan Sarandon send you one of her frocks."

Each taxpayer should receive a brand new Nanski Peloski Bird doll along with their $250 dollars, with a little duct tape in the package for taping Comrade Nanski's beak between uses.

I'd think that nylon-reinforced strapping tape might be closer to the needed strength.

Oh wait! We'll use the stuff that Our Many Titted Empress uses on her ass.

But wait! There's more! Order now and get a Bonnie Fwank sock-monkey!!! A $2 Trillion value!!!

--
ZB

Comrades, I wish you'd all stop mocking Nanski for her looks. Ok, granted, whenever she blinks her toes curl. But if you knew how much excess skin she's donated to burn patients you'd be ashamed of yourselves.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: -----------------

Graphic by Red Rooster

Commissar Theocritus,

Now you have out done yourself, excellent horror story.


Red Rooster,

How dare you denigrate your own cousin species, shameful, shameful, shameful. (Nice effect though).

uhhh, reach around?

You mean something like being referred to in this video?

That's why Progressives are the Party That Cares^TM.... always ready to lend a helping hand.

And if you take a close look at Comrade Nanski's hands, you will see they are fit for the job. It is her destiny, her mission, her ticket to sainthood.

Commissar Theocritus,

If you need a new sofa I hear they are selling one made out of Bear Hide from the recent liquidation of the Governor's Mansion in Alaska.

Castrate, that is <i>exactly</i> where I learned the phrase "reach-around."

Leninka, I do worry about Nanski's claws though on the Body Politic. Perhaps we should have Rahm Emanuel give the reach-around to the taxpayer. All 307,000,000 of us.

Or Jodin Morey. Or Mikael Rudolph.

I have it! We'll have the Progressive Reach-Around Corps! A group of dedicated progressives who, while sodomizing the American taxpayer, perform the nugatory service of the reach-around.

Any suggestions? And don't say Bonnie Fwank. I rather expect that behind closed doors he dresses in a bustier and high heels and is 110% sub.

/karakter off

Art Buchwald lives!

/karakter on

Sorry, Comrade Theo,

I was completely mixed up. I should have seen Comrade Infidel's video before suggesting Nanski.

Leninka, I recall seeing that movie over a decade ago and turning bright red. And it seemed to fit somehow the present situation.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: Perhaps we should have Rahm Emanuel give the reach-around to the taxpayer. All 307,000,000 of us.

Actually, according to current estimates, he will have to give the reach around to only about 51% of those 307,000,000.

It's possible that that's all that will be required but if you look at the manic light in his beady eyes I'm quite sure that he'd do all 307,000,000, once, twice and thrice, and then start on the Chinese.

It appears, comrades, that there is a coming test of wills:

When the House finally crashes down on her I've got dibs on those Ruby Red Claws!

Y'all would have a problem if I was a rethugliKKKan, seeing as all of my money is in my front pocket. Thankfully, I give to The Party like Bill Clinton. . . no not that one. . . like umm. . . I give generously, let's just leave it at that.

Say Theo, how's the couch? I can only imagine the sharp claws of Nanski Peloski being like taking a knife to it.

The couch is in the dump right now. I had though to try to reupholster it but it was so infected with bird mites that it was unsalvageable. And the Nanski shit down the back. You know what that's like--all 2000 pages of it in the health-care bill alone.

It took four hours to sweep up the bits of rabbit fur that she coughed up. And that cawing still echoes throughout the house.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:The couch is in the dump right now. I had though to try to reupholster it but it was so infected with bird mites that it was unsalvageable. And the Nanski shit down the back. You know what that's like--all 2000 pages of it in the health-care bill alone.

It took four hours to sweep up the bits of rabbit fur that she coughed up. And that cawing still echoes throughout the house.

(shudders)
Don't forget to vacuum up, mites are nasty bugs. I was expecting her to unload fecal matter like liberal spending on your couch. I was hoping she wouldn't, that stuff is tough to clean up, and I've cleaned some nasty shits in my life time. I can't imagine though what a Nanski shit would be like.

I suppose the cawing is hanging around because if you watch her speak in Congress, you notice she never stops, ergo, maybe she hasn't left yet. . .

Leninka wrote:It appears, comrades, that there is a coming test of wills:

Comrade Leninka,

I shall alert Rahm Emmanuel about these Thoughtcriminals™. A proper flogging in the <s>torture chamber</s> "Interview Room" in the White House basement should do nicely.

--
ZB

Why don't we turn Walter Reed into a re-education hospital? We could have General Stanley McChrystal come in for a check up and then conveniently forget to ask for another appointment with His O'liness.

Why should Lord Obama be bothered with generals? He won't meet with the leader of U. S. Forces in Afghanistan or the Dali Lama, but the leader of SIEU has been to the White House 23 times.

His O'liness is even better than Slick Willie, who's most constant visitor was Yassir Arafat.