I have noticed that some of the younger comrades here are not sufficiently imbued with the spirit of Progressivism. All of us older comrades here are Made Progs and in a moment of generosity I am going to tell you how to become a Made Prog.

There are reams of sodden liberal pieties. It's for the children™! Affordable health care™! Hope and change™! Global warming™! We just need to understand the people who want to kill us and then they won't want to kill us.

It's all utter rubbish of course and means nothing. I can pirouette, just like dear Raht Emanuel, on a dime, whenever polling shows that I'm losing traction on any issue which might lead to me thinking that my worthless, meaningless life is worth something because here's a chance that I get to tell people what to do and feel important.

I'm the most realistic of liberals because I know that I have an utterly meaningless life. I don't do anything for anyone except express my views, which no one really wants. I don't work, except to steal. I don't talk, except to lie and calumniate. And everything that I do is aimed toward the idea of making me a more splendid and perfect prog. I'm the proggiest of progs because I have the least cognitive dissonance between my acknowledgement of my worthless life and my complete willingness to lie, cheat, and steal to pretend otherwise.

So, for all you newbies out there, listen up. Here's the secret of being a Made Prog, given to you by your dear Dyadya Theocritus:

Any questions?

So true Theo. Progressive-ism is based on the scientific concept that wishful thinking is a viable alternative to reality...provided you have enough government regulation and other people's money.

When Socialism fails it's because the idle rich haven't accumulated enough wealth for us to expropriate. I blame the free market. There is entirely too much available for the rich to spend their money on. Then, when we take power, there is never enough money left for us.

We must curtail consumption. Sustainable development means having enough OPM to sustain Socialism.

Com. T......... I see we're on the same page. And our current administration is one big load of reality.

As you can almost see my ass, I believe I have a good start as a new prog..

I only listen to the voices of the Party ™ in my head when that occasional synapse fires off and thus temporarily interrupts my digging for Utopia. I know it's down here - somewhere. With Made Prog's such as yourself guiding me, and perhaps a stolen backhoe - Nirvana could come with the next shovel.

Dig4Utopia, I thin that you have the right attitude. Do not, however, forget to partake liberally of Pinkie's Putinka vodka. It's hard on you--some people go blind but then we progressives aren't noted for our sharp vision anyway. And I could gauge the color and weight of a diamond in the next room with my eyes gouged out. That's what a prog I am.

If you keep up this exemplary fashion, I shall recommend to the Central Committee that you be given an extra beet, and one without a rotten part in it, next May Day.

Or the next birthday of Barry Hussy Obaby, who will lead us to the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™.

Excuse me, please, Commissar. Is not today the beginning of the Progressive World of Next Tuesday that was promised to us last week ? Just ask'n.

No gun jumping Krasnodar. You'll be told when that happy dawns as will we all.

Krasnodar, here's how it works. Every five years, or every time we want an expensive vacation using OPM, we have a conference and made a five-year plan. But it could be a ten-year plan as others have said. Who cares? 7.62 will sort it all out as the Commissar of Time.

The Progressive World of Next Tuesday™ will come, if you only close your eyes and believe. Believe! Click the heels of your ruby-red slippers together and believe!

Say, "I'll never grow up! I'll never grow up! And I won't let you either!" as you fly away to Nothing Nothing Land, where the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™ has arisen and we are all mired in complete and total misery.

Except of course for the people with the dachas. That would be the made progs, you see.

Get cracking.

It's two o'clock. Have you stolen something today?

It's three o'clock. Have you ordered someone around today?

It's four o'clock. Have you sniffed at someone with a real job today?

In other words, made progressives are those, who by virtue of their superior intellect and understanding of how the world should work, selflessly give of their time, skill and knowledge to ensure that the rest of the world functions how it should be. Those who are not made progressives, should happily toil for the greater good and the benefit of the ruling class, to show their support for a fair and just world of equality, and happy rainbow farting unicorns.

Dear dear Comrade Theo, you have once again, slammed the ax into the cube (NO OFFENSE MOST LOYAL COMRADE WHOOPIE!) These young no nothings, no nothing. They must have our mandated guidance and stern reprimands to have any hope of having Hope. They are so stupidly stupid when it comes to transformation of words and verbiage - words mean what we need them to mean and nothing more! Just as "hope & change" meant, "we're taking you into the socialist society of 1940 you fool!!", but "hope & change" is so melodic to the ears and eyes, is it not?

Comrade Colonel! You have said is most gloriously!! (but what is a rainbow farting unicorn??). . . that you deserve the Hammer & Popsicle Award of the Day!! (congratulation, blah blah blah.... and once you get 1135, don't forget to redeem your prize of one Free Beet Vodka Ration.... and as you know, ANY coupons, rewards or endowments must be equally shared with the Party Elite)

So if I loop through the wormhole often enough, I can accumulate enough coupons. Excellent.

Yes, Ja!, very possible. . . although, you might be most loopy.

I just take a random handful of pills when I do it. Sometimes the results can be quite interesting. Would you believe I'm single handedly responsible for the giant Humboldt Squid showing up further north than they usually travel?

Col. you wouldn't be the one responsible for that giant Humbolt squid which mysteriously appeared in my bed one morning?

(I still got sucker marks all over my body)

Listen up, all comrades!

Good show! Taking responsibility for the giant Humboldt squid showing up is brilliant. I myself take credit for the Renaissance (although I hate it--it's most unprogressive) and the fact that people have more teeth in their heads now than they did 200 years ago.

See how it goes? Baseless assertions. And always start them with, "All objective XXXX believe that XXXX is XXXX." This is much like our five-year plans, which could be no-year or century plans, and could have nothing to do with anything but swilling down a freighter of champagne at the taxpayers' expense.

Now. From here on out. I, Commissar Theocritus, the Madest of Made Progs, do hereby declare a fatwa on anyone who actually gives a reason for anything.

We're progs. We thrive on baseless assertions.

Get it?

Good. I hope that I won't have to repeat myself.

Dear Theocritus,

Thank you for giving us the latest poop. It's about time we got a fresh pile of made Prog re-education talking points. What was that you were saying in another post about my avatar scaring you? What is it that scares you? Is it my pigtails?

Whoopie, yes that was me. Pinkie told me how lonely and sad you were, so I thought I'd drop that squid off via the wormhole. You aren't some sort of speciest are you?

No no, of course not Col. I was just concerned that the giant squid may have eaten the cute little fishy that I had brought home the night before while I was drunk.

(Thank Lenin I keep a hatchet and harpoon by the bedside. A trick I learned from watching Disney's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea")

You slaughtered the giant squid? Surely you have a permit for that? And then you made calamari steaks for dinner, right?

Commissar Theocritus, Obama is good the country and his economic plan is bring much wealth to the nation.

How's that for starters? It was easy once I supressed my gag reflex let my understanding go and got in touch with my feelings inner comrade. I think I farted too. feel the winds of freedom.

"All objective XXXX believe that XXXX is XXXX."

I find the "X's" confusing (if I had know we were going to be tested on algebra I would have brought my cheat sheets) but I am more than happy to take credit for our desperate, dwindling economy from 1933 to 1945. (and please don't believe all that FDR blather. I was me I tell you, ME)

Fraulein, as a made prog I believe that you, another made prog, were responsible for the Great Depression. I myself am responsible for the Black Death in 1349. That was the first of the great prog redistributions of wealth for social justice. When half the people died, the other half got their loot. Get it? This is how Comrade Stalin worked.

This is how Americans will work in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™ under Obamacare.

Leninka, it's not your pig tails which frighten me. You look like, er, Miss Resentment. Is that safe to like like Michelle? I'd never recommend that anyone look like our dear Many Titted Empress, but she's Hillary.

As far as Michelle goes, if you have her face you have to wear her clothes. And demand that salt be taken off restaurant tables.

I'm just thrilled to know you were responsible for the Black Death of 1349, Theo (that isn't racist to say so, is it??!!). . . that it one of my all time, most beloved Prog achievements, next to Stalin, Mao and Hitler, of course. These are the only achievements which have been proved over and over again, to curb humanly overpopulation of Mummy Earth. (and which is endorsed by Father Time)

I denounce "Father Time". What sort of male dominated patriarchal nonsense is that? We all know that Time is a Commissariate, and thus can be held by anyone. That it happens to be currently held by a ummm white male is immaterial...

I must with pride & humility, denounce myself for posting such a male bigoted photo. My traditional, none Prog upbringings are to blame... if I had been indoctrinated schooled in more progressive values this surly would never have transpired.

Now I will have my driver transport me to Jiffy-Lobo for a quick tuneup.

Yes, time is relative. It can be a mother-in-law or a mooching cousin. Sometimes it's a bitchy wife. Other times it's a grumpy old grandpa.

You can pick your friends, you can even pick your enemies, but you're stuck with your relatives.

Fraulein, you are just in time to participate in a conversation that 7.62 and I have been having. You know that he's the Commissar of Time. This means that when you have an impure thought, such as, oh, let me take a wild shot in the dark, reason or you, and I shudder at this, start making sense, then you obviously need a refresher at Jiffy-Lobo.

But have 7.62 work his Time Traveler magic, the sort that works for five-year plans, and you can meet yourself coming back from Jiffy-Lobo just as you are going in.

I don't think that the comrades fully appreciate 7.62's position as Commissar of Time. Ever since I called off the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits I no longer have any troubles with Igor and Sven asking where the vigorish is. I tell them that they have been paid and they believe me.

Of course I tell 7.62 that I've already paid him too and he believes it.

I so love 7.62. He's the perfect prog: mean, nasty, greedy, entitled, self-righteous, and just plain stupid.

The Perfect Prog. Pardon me while I finger the tears from my eyes.

If reality comes out of your butt Theo, is this reality (and yes, because I sink to that level)?
If so, then this would bring up interesting philosophical questions, or just reaffirm life is crap.

Comrade Theocritus, I could spit on myself for even mention 'father time', especially after your convoluted clear explanation revolving around 7.62. Are you trying to explain to me, that all I need do is . . . use our glorious Commis of Time to travel backwards so it is if if I never made sense or any faux pas? There would be no need to denounce myself at all?! Whhhy, this is more glorious than I ever imagined! It is certainly not conducive to myself to be denounced, if only by myself, so this is a most useful accessoritory which should be mandated. Now, to clear my head, I think it must be time for a wee taste of vodka.

Obamugabe, my eyes fill with tears. You're so right. Being a prog means never having to have a reason. You might clear this with Pinkie though; last time I was at her dacha I left in the middle of the night taking French leave. And her silver with me.

Well, she wasn't appreciating it enough. I would be a better owner for the silver. I walked by the silver and it said, "Commissar Theocritus, take us, you know better than Commissarka Pinkie does our value."

And since at that time I heard a voice in my head, but this time a soprano instead of a bass, saying, "You know, Theocritus, that Pinkie has been suspected of having counter-revolutionary ideas. I have even heard that when she tuned her radio and that fascist pig Rush came out she didn't burn her car in expiation. So take the silver."

So I did.

Fraulein, it's what time where you are and you're just now getting into the vodka? WTF? As the Hammett's Continental Op said, "I took another drink because I didn't want the alcohol dying in my system."

Made Progs never have that problem. Why do you think that the Kennedys went into liquor?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:..... "I took another drink because I didn't want the alcohol dying in my system."

Made Progs never have that problem. Why do you think that the Kennedys went into liquor?

WHY do I not know these things?! Where have I been living and keeping my thoughts, that I have not heard of these most wise sayings?! I denounce not knowing no one having informed me! This, which makes so much sense, will now be on my very fingertips and tongue speakings - "I took another drink because I didn't want the alcohol drying in my system" will be my Signature Speakage. LONG LIVE THE FRUIT OF THE VINE AND BEET VODKA FOR ALL!! (hiccup)

Fraulein, I propose something else. I hate to do it but we might have to get that damned old hosebag, er, sorry, our favorite Commissar, in on it. It involves her Putinka vodka.

The Victorians put lead into the gin to make it palatable. People drank until they passed out--the poor booze and the lead meant that it was very hard to tell if they were dead. This was before embalming was popular; it had only been developed in England about 40 years before.

People had the habit of waking up after having been pronounced dead. Before universal embalming and modern definitions of death, about 20% of opened coffins have fingernail marks on the inside.

So these wise Victorians would tie a string on the finger of the body, run it through a hole in the casket, up through the soil, over a tree branch and holding a bell. If the bell rang, the mourners, who were spending the night at the cemetery, would wake.

That's why it's a wake.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I have noticed that some of the younger comrades here are not sufficiently imbued with the spirit of Progressivism. All of us older comrades here are Made Progs and in a moment of generosity I am going to tell you how to become a Made Prog.

There are reams of sodden liberal pieties. It's for the children™! Affordable health care™! Hope and change™! Global warming™! We just need to understand the people who want to kill us and then they won't want to kill us.

It's all utter rubbish of course and means nothing. I can pirouette, just like dear Raht Emanuel, on a dime, whenever polling shows that I'm losing traction on any issue which might lead to me thinking that my worthless, meaningless life is worth something because here's a chance that I get to tell people what to do and feel important.

I'm the most realistic of liberals because I know that I have an utterly meaningless life. I don't do anything for anyone except express my views, which no one really wants. I don't work, except to steal. I don't talk, except to lie and calumniate. And everything that I do is aimed toward the idea of making me a more splendid and perfect prog. I'm the proggiest of progs because I have the least cognitive dissonance between my acknowledgement of my worthless life and my complete willingness to lie, cheat, and steal to pretend otherwise.

So, for all you newbies out there, listen up. Here's the secret of being a Made Prog, given to you by your dear Dyadya Theocritus:

Reality comes out of my ass.

Any questions?

Most pithy, Comrade! And to the point.

But you life IS very meaningful. That you express unwanted views for those who desparately need them...no matter how much they do not wish them...and then IMPOSE these views by any means necessary is indicative of your infinite worth.

That you are completely willing to lie, cheat, and steal to acheive these worthy ends is a model we should all strive towards.

In the immoratal words of Saul Alinsky: the ends justify the means.

Progressivism is fragile and easily derailed by logic and critical thinking. This is why a strong hand is needed. Take for instance the indisputable position that rich people have too much at the expense of those who have too little. The obvious solution is to redistribute the excess from the rich to those who have less.

Derailing this correct position is all too easy with confusing arguments about incentives, self-worth, motivation and so on. We soon rob ourselves of our good feelings about voicing concern for others and we seed doubt about our positions. This is where the strong hand of the state will keep us on track, for the state does not tolerate nor is it capable of dangerously deep logic and reasoning. The state is singular and steadfast in its needs for funding without compassion or sympathy. And the equal distribution of funding is the essence of Progressivism. Economic Equality can only be achieved under the unbiased eye of the state. Democratic Capitalism is doomed to failure because it, by its very nature of independent thinking, breeds inequality. Eventually the deprived masses must rise up and overthrow the greed of the elite. This is a natural process like water flowing to its lowest attainable level.

Why are those who control the state not considered the new elite, you ask? We must not be seduced into such reasoning traps. All truth rises to the surface and we must never reason too deeply. The purest truth lies on the top and never underneath. We must outlaw such questioning for the good of all. Equality is good - Inequality is bad. No more needs to be or should be said on the subject.

Please report all fishy thinking to the state offices at https://www.EqualDistribution.org Please include the full name and address of all thought criminals. We need not remind you of how good you should feel about rendering this service to the state and thereby service to your fellow comrades.

Again, most loyal Commissar Theocritus, I learn of these things in the lateness. What a shame for beloved late Mr. Pulloskies and his love for the distilled spirited beet vodka, who perhaps was still . . . but that is no point in pondering. (we all thought that odd noise was just the distillery across the way. That is all that matters now).

I am fingering tears from my eyes as I write, so full am I with pride at our most sensible Comrades. R. Goldstein, you have the true essence of progdom in your soul. You understand my deep psychological need to force people to do things that they don't want, which aren't good for them, and which only turn me on. Since I'm a made prog, it is permitted. A cat may look at a king and prole may look at me in my splendiferous, magniloquent majesty and be blown away by my utterly unanswerable arguments--because they make no sense whatsoever.

TPC, this speaks to your interest. You too have learned that insanity is the best defense--against sanity. Not against criminal acts but against sanity. If you scream a lie loudly enough and long enough, people will believe it. Think Barry Hussy Obozo being proud to be an American. That's a lie that the fools have believed for years.

But the legacy media said enough that they believe it, and I promise you that Vivid Video hasn't had as many long-lasting orgy scenes as the circle jerk in the legacy media over His O'liness.

Fraulein, I only told the story about the lead for amusement. After all, since I'm a made prog, I only drink Ten by Tanqueray or Bombay Sapphire Gin, or 25-year-old single-malt Scotch. Or Eagle Rare bourbon. Why be stuck with beet vodka if you're a made prog?

Do you think that Nanski drives a Yugo?

Fraulein, I only told the story about the lead for amusement. After all, since I'm a made prog, I only drink Ten by Tanqueray or Bombay Sapphire Gin, or 25-year-old single-malt Scotch. Or Eagle Rare bourbon. Why be stuck with beet vodka if you're a made prog?

This is why you are my most favored favorite Made Prog, dear Theo. You speak with such clear clarification on our most important matter of the day. I now feel free to freely admit my most beloved favorite vodka is DIVA Premium. After all, we need to be humbly proud to admit our pride in Progness - and that we deserve nothing but the best. This can't wrong since we're never wrong (how can such high intellect ever be wrong??) and it isn't that we do not wish all to have what we so deserve. They just don't.

Fraulein,

Yes Dear Theo is quite remarkable, but he's still a Diva. Okay, I like even the Diva part of him.

My thanks to our two percipient commissarkas. Yes, DIVA is a fine thing. It stands for Duma Is Very Astounding. Shock and Awe for the poor proles who will have no idea what hit them.

So we can without embarrassment admit that we're Made Progs and still have the finest and best.

It's really like the medieval churches, you know. It was good for the serfs to see all that splendor and magnificence.

And now we have the taxpayer who ought to be honored to give to all the splendor and magnificence of a totalitarian state which will repress every single individual desire, unless of course you're a Made Prog like us here or like the Goracle or our MTE or Soros or any number of other splendid little totalitarian monsters who would use our guts for garters if we turned out backs.

So it you see a taxpayer refusing to give his all, boot him in the Peloski! How dare he put his so-called property "rights" and "rights" to individual liberty ahead of the Party™.

Let's bear in mind that babies are not human until the mother wants it. People are markers in social engineering. Death panels will decide our fates if treatments are expensive and we are not in a favored group. A woman can having a miscarriage in one hospital room while another mother, with a baby even more advanced is having it aborted, to be held in her arms for "bonding" before it's disposed of. And your money is of course not your money. You work for the collective good.

And pardon me while I take a breath.

You will be inundated with regulations which fleet your time and energy. You will be made responsible for everything that others want to make you responsible for. You will ultimately have no control over your life.

Jeez. I love the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™. With any luck it will be like Auschwitz decorated by Martha Stewart.

Comrade Theocritus,

You Diva, you.

Cheetos are a pleasant delicacy. Better than fish sticks. The more processed the better. Let's not forget that it's International Green Blender Month. For all you DIVA's, please get with the program by visiting my favorite DIVA: the Rychousmama! -- https://rychousmama.wordpress.com

All Hail The Blenders!