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The Numinous Conservative

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As a part-time fact checker for the Obama Truth squad, I am often forced to visit the websites of vile reactionary racist hate-mongers (not to mention the hot sex websites.)
Anyway, I came across this on one of them; I've summarized it here so you don't have to risk poisoning your minds by going there....

If you recall, the "Numinous Negro" is a construction, often by white liberals, of a near-divine, never-wrong, completely non-threatening black person (usually a man). It's essentially the whole reason behind most of the characters played by Will Smith, Morgan Freeman, every law movie ever set in the South with a white lawyer and a black client, etc. The Numinous Negro isn't a black man— he's a plot device to make the white characters look better for having listened to them, cared for them, patronized them.

So. . . can we have the Numinous Conservative now? Unfortunately not as elegantly alliterative as Brookhiser's phrase, but I believe it's just as useful. It captures all of the "conservatives" who don't really exist in the real world outside of Washington restaurants or New York op-ed pages. You know, the ones who aren't crazy, who display the required level of disdain for "teabaggers," Southerners, Christians, Sarah Palin, etc. Liberals can point to these people as the "smart and acceptable" conservatives who just so happen to think exactly like they do.

http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/? ... dlODllNDM=

Comrades, I have to offer the heresy that there may be SOME conservatives who are not total racist knuckle-dragging Limbaugh-loving hate-mongering fascist greedy polluting a$$holes! How would we progressives recognize the (possibly) redeemable conservative, assuming some exist, who with a little (perhaps a lot) re-education would make a passable semi-useful citizen in the New World of Next Tuesday? We must be ready to separate the conservative wheat from the chaff, the ones who may prove useful vs. the ones who will be....er.... be asked to consider end-of-life counseling somewhat early when the Revolution Health Care Reform bill takes shape.

Comrades, please submit to the committee some qualities you'd expect to find in the "Ideal Conservative". I have some suggestions to get us started.
  • Is religious either for the satisfaction of submitting to authority figures, to participate in the holidays or "for the children" (how we love that last reason)
  • Still mourns the fact Colin Powell didn't run for President in as he/she wanted his/her side to elect the first black chief executive
  • Thinks maybe the congess made a mistake by suspending Jiminy Carter's synfuel program
  • Despises Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck; thinks the ideal spokesman for the right would be George Will if he were a lot less strident and dogmatic
  • Is deeply concerned that some of his opposition to Obama's agenda may actually be due to racism
  • Listens and contributes regularly to NPR because he finds Garrison Keillor amusing
  • Has doubts about the 2nd Amendment because nobody he or she knows is in a well-regulated militia
  • Thinks that the legacy media is still important and does its best to be impartial

Comrades, it is not important that a conservative have all of these qualities in order to be considered "acceptable" and the presence of the qualities does not guarantee acceptability. But, in your suggestions, consider qualities that will suggest malleability and receptiveness to Party reeducation efforts that will enable him/her to become a useful cog in our new social machine. Thank you.

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Comrade Opiate

The ideal conservative is one that is disposed of through Planned Parenthood.

If that fails (alas, we live in an imperfect world) the ideal conservative is one that goes for Voluntary End of Life Counselling very early in life (Preferably before the age of two)

But since I am pragmatic and I realize that that will also sometimes fail, I have to state that the Ideal Conservative has strong legs, a strong back and strong hands and can wield a blunt shovel for 22 hours a day in permafrost.

Amandla!

Obamugabe

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Gosh, Obamugabe, that kind of attitude makes Progressivism look like a violent, vulgar, self-serving collectivism.... which is what it is, but we don't want it to look like that. Not right now, anyway. But I cannot deny that a large part of the acceptable conservative's "acceptability" to the state does involve shovelling and other manual labor needed for the "shovel ready" stimulus projects, and such. Nothing in permafrost until Putin takes back that Alaska place.... oops, spilled the beans on another Obama gift to Vladimir. Forget I said anything about that.

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  • Understands that "conservative" must be linked with the word "compassionate" to become acceptable.
I nominate Sen. Olympia Snow (R-Maine):

"I've always been a Republican for the traditional principles associated with the Republican Party."

Such an obvious traditional conservative should fool the AstroTurf. She may be ahead of the curve and already appealing to the Republican masses, displaying her credentials.

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Comrade Opiate

Africa is not for sissies. We may not have permafrost but we have plenty of rock quarries.

Having said that, I realize that the USSA has problems of it's own, being a new addition to the International Collective. I suspect you will have teething problems.

I am appalled at the idea of your Glorious Leader handing that woman Palin's state over to Putin. The reactionary swine who follow her will say she is some kind of prophet, she really will see Russia from her house. We cannot afford to give the anti revolutionaries that kind of credibility.

Comrade Olympia Snow is a mole. She works for me. Now that you know it, you have to go for End of Life Counselling.

Obamugabe.

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Opiate! The ideal conservative must also.....
1. Be willing to sacrifice at a moments notice any amount of their quality of life on the altar of “Global Warming Climate Change”
2. Realize that when it comes to ACORN, that yes, there will be a few bad apples; but that is no reason to scrap the whole organization because it still can do lots of good for Obama poor people.
3. That the concept of a Czar who operates outside of Congressional and Constitutional control is not frightening nor Orwellian, but rather a novel new way to get things done in a hurry…..
4. That if something were to happen (God forbid) to Obama, that Joe Biden would be able to pick up the reigns and do almost as good a job as Obama has done though he is not a native Kenyan Muslim community organizer.
5. Be willing to wait for years for needed medical procedures along with everyone else all the while feeling good about themselves because “visiting” foreigners that are working here but not paying taxes and etc are getting good health care too!

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Proletarian Robot wrote: 4. That if something were to happen (God forbid) to Obama, that Joe Biden would be able to pick up the reigns and do almost as good a job as Obama has done though he is not a native Kenyan Muslim community organizer.

Comrade ProleRob

I must point out that it is not the plan of the Party for comrade Biden to ever take over the presidency if the Leader should be terminated.
The ACORN scientists have perfected the art and science of necromancy. This science has already helped the party in the following manners:
-- A large percentage of the Leader's voters in the last election were DEAD people, resurrected by ACORN just to vote.
--Most Democrats are re-animated, re-educated brain dead zombies.

The next step in this program is of course NECROCRACY.

So do not fear. If Obamessiah should demise he will continue ruling after his Lenin-style embalming.

As far as Comrade Biden is concerned: Unfortunately he was part of the group that tested the initial alpha release of Jiffi-Lobo. The procedure was still highly experimental, and instead of just severing his pre-frontal cerebral lobe, his brain was truncated just above the basal ganglia in the brain stem.

Heroic surgery was performed in order to reconnect his neocortex to his brainstem, using a tubular graft from his sigmoid colon. The operation was considered a partial success; only partial due to some unexpected side effects involving faecal matter in the brain.

Comrade Biden is employed by the party as Useful Idiot. He is NOT a heartbeat away from the presidency!


Amandla

Obamugabe.

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You fools!
The "Ideal Conservative" is right under your noses (if you are like most sane people and read the New York Times every morning before not going to work every day).

Yes, that's right. I'm talking about David Brooks

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He holds all the qualities you're looking for: He calls himself a "third-wave feminist" (whatever the hell that is), he doesn't think citizens should own guns, he's for gay marriage, he despises Sarah Palin and has a man-crush on Obama. He said of The One: "I think he's more talented than anyone in my lifetime. I mean, he is pretty dazzling when he walks into a room. So, that's why it's important he doesn't f--- this up.” And in a March 2007 article published in The New York Times titled "No U-Turns", Brooks explains that the Republican Party must distance itself from the minimal-government conservative principles that had arisen during the Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan eras. He claims that these outdated concepts had served their purposes and should no longer be embraced by Republicans in order to win elections.

What's not to love?

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Comrade Solidarity! We apologize that you did not get the memo concerning agent David Brooks. He is our operative mole and has been a plant within the outer fringe of the conservative movement. His mission has always been to further subvert true conservatism by weakening many of their hard-line stances. He has been somewhat successful in his mission. He did have some spectacular failures early on, especially two days after Obama's second autobiography "The Audacity of Hope" hit bookstores. Brooks published a column in The New York Times, urging Obama to run for president. The headline was “Run, Barack, Run”. Sadly Conservatives were using this slogan as a bumper sticker for the front car bumper! It did take some time to correct.

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Comrade Obamugabe: the vulgar repulsive nature of your discourse would indicate that Obama's "soft power" approach will be totally ineffective with you. Now, Obama is different from past presidents in that he has no desire to advance or protect US interests abroad, so this deficiency is not a problem on that score; however, Obama still desires deeply for you to like him, so a Plan B is needed. Say, the US has not promised an anti-missile system to any of your neighbors, has it?

There's no way Olympia Snowe is a mole. In order to be an effective mole, one has to be totally above suspicion in playing the role as part of the group one is trying to subvert, in this case conservatives. The proposition collapses here. No one would ever believe Sen. Snowe is a conservative.

Comrade Robot: I have to agree with Comrade Obamugabe about Chairman Joe, although I think his assessment of the latter as a "useful idiot" is just half right. The sad fact is that Chairman Joe has not even proven competent at the relatively simple skill of plagarism, so it is unlikely he would be up to anything more complicated. Chairman Joe could only be elected to the senate from a state such as Delaware, the reason being that it is so small and sparesely populated that they could not spare any useful people for that role. On the other hand, I have to admit that the way things are going with Obama's agenda, even if Chairman Joe had to take over as leader of the Politburo, they probably couldn't get much worse.

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Comrade Solidarity: My prior comments about Sen. Snowe do not apply to Mr. Brooks. In point of fact, Mr. Brooks is not a real person but a fictional character invented by the NY Times editorial board and conforms to their best guess as to what an actual conservative thinks and sounds like. (An analogy would be those science shows where astronomers and such hypothesize about an alien being living on an extraterrestrial planet would be like.) It sounds silly, but this New Yorker magazine cover from the 1970s is likely how NY Times management really views the world: http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/2007/0 ... th-avenue/
It should be no suprise that the fictive Brooks is the best that they could come up with.

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There's no way Olympia Snowe is a mole. In order to be an effective mole, one has to be totally above suspicion in playing the role as part of the group one is trying to subvert, in this case conservatives. The proposition collapses here. No one would ever believe Sen. Snowe is a conservative.

Ahh, you see how effective she is? She's got even YOU fooled. Muahahahahaha!

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Obamugabe wrote:
There's no way Olympia Snowe is a mole. In order to be an effective mole, one has to be totally above suspicion in playing the role as part of the group one is trying to subvert, in this case conservatives. The proposition collapses here. No one would ever believe Sen. Snowe is a conservative.

Ahh, you see how effective she is? She's got even YOU fooled. Muahahahahaha!


Fooling me is not an excessively high bar to clear; after all, as part of the progressive rank and vile, I did vote for Obama so by definition, I am quite easy to fool. It's not that I am chronically foolish, but I just get so infatuated by high-minded rhetoric about social justice and stuff. (Well, I guess I am chronically foolish.) So when Ms. Snowe came out in support of the wonderful hope and change inspiring stimulus program, I kinda suspected she might be secretly on OUR side.

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No, I didn't really vote for Obama. Even a 1950s era TV set has more brains than that.

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Comrades,

If we can get Faux Snews et al, to SHUT UP! The Numinous Conservative will live. Please write you local consulate and push for The Fairness Doctine)™.

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Comrades,

If we can get Faux Snews et al, to SHUT UP! The Numinous Conservative will live. Please write you local consulate and push for The Fairness Doctine(TM).


 
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