It has come to my attention that some ungrateful people in AmeriKKKa have been complaining that Barack, Lord Obama, is chipping away at traditional American rights. This is a canard. Americans have always been too free. Who wants to live in a nation when you can do what you want to do? If you have freedom you have to think to figure out what you want to do.

I hate thinking. It hurts my head. That's why I never do it, and that's why I have a weekly visit to Jiffi-Lobo to make sure that I don't think, and I never leave home without my superheterodyne, phased-antenna-array, mu-metal coated tin-foil hat to receive transmission of the Current Truth(tm) from Laika, noble space dog.

What's this flap about Anita Dunn admiring Chairman Mao? Who doesn't? That man got things done.

I have heard Barack, Lord Obama being compared, heinously, to Stalin, and even to Hitler.

This last is palpably false. Hitler got the Olympics to come to Berlin.

I am with you on this, Commissar! Why should I have to think? I am not any good at it. I went down to Home Depot the other day and stood in the middle of the place and yelled out, "Somebody help me, my faucet is leaking!" Some goofball in an orange apron came up to me and said, "Calm down, sir, it's a simple thing to fix. You can do it yourself." I turned to him and said, "What, are you CRAZY? I can't do ANYTHING myself! I needed help from a policeman to find this place! I thought this was a government agency that was going to send out someone to take me back home and fix it for me. What the hell kind of place IS this? FIX IT MYSELF???? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F**KING MIND????"

I made such a scene they had a security guard escort me out. THIS is the kind of treatment one gets from the "private" sector.... you come asking for help and they tell you to do it yourself, and then they throw you out of a stupid orange-colored store! Why doesn't the government DO something about this?????

I don't know as much about science as Algore. I don't know as much about economics as Nanski Peloski. I can't even make out my own income taxes like Tim Geithner can. The stupid Rethuglicans think I should make decisions about what healthcare to buy and save for my own retirement and what stuff to watch on television.... How am I supposed to do that? Somebody else should be doing that for me! Thinking is above my pay grade! I can't make decisions about stuff, I would rather leave that to President Obama who has much more experience doing so. That's what we elected him for! Damn, why can't Congress find somebody to take care of me.

BTW, this Hitler fellow you spoke about... do you think he can find somebody to fix a faucet?

Not having to think is the ultimate freedom. There are far more interesting uses for our brains than thinking, like remembering to continue blaming the economy on the Bushitler, or learning little songs in glory to Dear Leader. Or, making sure that we get as many absentee ballots filled out in favor of the People's Party for dead people. Or making sure to call all those who oppose Dear Leader's policies racists. Just ask Janeane Gawdawfulo, she is the perfect example of how to use one's brain without thinking.

Hitler had lots of people who could fix faucets. Or at least turn them on.

And I'm on strike from thinking. I handle many millions of dollars of other people's money every year. Just today I signed checks for over $300,000.00 in one transaction. All that balancing makes my head hurt. Just put down numbers that looked good and when people questioned me, I just help up and said, "Lo, would He lie to you? He told me by messages on my bridgework this morning that these are verily just figures and true. Who are <i>you</i> to question them?"

Now if I can just get the State of Texas to agree with me.

Well, that won't be a problem. TexDOT thinks that water runs uphill. [ Quite literally true. ]

Leninka, when I had that dream about Dear Janeane in Vancouver, she imparted something to me--I think it must have been a visitation from her. Incubus, succubus, who the hell cares? Oleocubus is more like it.

She told me that she'd been in Jiffi-Lobo in Berkley and the doctor there was very good indeed. He'd take out all your prefrontal lobes and then use a butane torch to sanitize the inside of your skull. That's why she's never bothered by thinking.

That's why she can talk with Keith Olberfuhrer so well, without the projectile vomiting that others tend to do.

When my goons highly trained troopers think, or should I say try to, bad things happen. So I encourage them to watch PMSNBC. But, one must be very careful when listening to Comrade, Janeane Gawdawfulo, people have reported projectile vomiting followed by an overwhelming urge to shoot themselves, or at minimum wishing never to have sex again, soon after one of her diatribes.

Keith Overbite, on the other hand appears to be a hybrid between romper room,and a snuff film. He offers all the joys mysterious rash after an evening of debauchery. Keith's excellent education at "MOOOOO U" truly shows his intelligence; just think he can churn out the Obamessiahs mantra and “Muck Out”a stall never missing a beat.

And we can not forget Rachel Maddow she reminds one of a bull dike with an attitude, with and an I.Q. of 45. Must be something about being part of “Scair America ” and the ghost of Randi (Skank)Rhodes, I dare think her and Janeane were separated at birth.

You all must forgive me I must put on my gift from dear and fearless leader, my
super heterodyne,phased-antenna-array, mu-metal coated tin-foil hat, to hear Laika's latest broadcast, followed by re-runs of “Leave it to Beaver”


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitalityä INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

Comrade, thinking only becomes a problem for progressives who still have a tiny shred of bourgeois common sense left.

I've found that when that little remnant of objective thought rears it's ugly head, I simply reverse whatever conclusion it's leading to.

Just twist it right around in your mind and you'll always be on the right side (er, left side) of the current truth.

Hope that helps.

Comrades, remember this episode from the original Star Trek series:

Season 1, Episode 21: The Return of the Archons

Original Air Date—9 February 1967

The Enterprise travels to Beta 2 to learn the fate of the U.S.S. Archon, gone missing a century earlier. One member of the landing party disappears, and one returns in a strangely blissful state. Kirk beams down with another landing party; amidst the chaos of "Festival" their hosts asks if they are "Archons." To learn more, Kirk must convince Betan citizens to disobey Landru, the man who has ruled them for 6,000 years - or find those who already resist. But with the Lawgivers everywhere, that task is going to be difficult...

This is the Amerikka I've been yearning for ever since I saw that show as a young Progressive. I've wanted to walk about in a blissful state, not having to think about anything and letting an all-knowing Landru make all my decisions for me. I'm hoping Barack Obama will be our Landru.

Oh, he will, Opiate, he will. We can follow his lead entirely and in every way.

The chain of thought goes all the way up to his TelePrompTer, which does all the thinking in the world. And as far as self doubt goes, we can just remember his immortal, "Do I like like the sort of person who sweats?"

And we can be as cool as the Obamas. This is the ultimate in cool: Just look at the improvement there.

See that? Now that's cool and collected.

I've found that when that little remnant of objective thought rears it's ugly head, I simply reverse whatever conclusion it's leading to.

Never underestimate the power of just pitching a fit. I can't tell you how many fits have been pitched at the Rancho de Rio Grande, and you'd think by Bruno, but no, it's by visiting people. Jodin Morey throws more fits in a single evening that a single sulking queen can in a year. And as for fits--whenever the Couric head comes to visit the clock on the microwave counts backwards.

Red Star, let us be generous to our friends on America Left. I listen to them from time to time. America Right is a capitalists' tool--the commercials are on buying half-million-dollar life-insurance policies, improving your business's website, and making (shudder) money, instead of merely progressively stealing it and telling people that they are selfish.

Whereas America Left has commercials on how to defraud your credit-card issuers. Other channels have those commercials, but America Left has one which tells you that you can stop the threats of lawsuits.

Blue Collar Comedy has those commercials but none which mention lawsuits.

I love America Left because I feel so at home in the company of people who are not responsible, hate the world and blame you for it.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: The chain of thought goes all the way up to his TelePrompTer, which does all the thinking in the world.

Ironically enough, in the Star Trek episode, Landru turns out to be a computer which is generating a hologram of the real Landru, who had died years many before. Life imitates art, or something.

Cool picture of MO. With the small addition of a few hundred tatoos, she'd have the Gawdawfulo look down pat.

That and a can of Crisco.