Top 16 things that won't happen in 2016

User avatar

In this New Year edition of No News Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things are not going to occur in the coming year:

Top 16 things that won't happen in 2016

  1. Iran nuke annihilates Israel; defiant James Taylor sings "You've got a friend" over smoking pile of ashes
  2. Chicago man claims to be world's worst liar; nobody believes him
  3. College students crumble from micro-aggression; counselors redouble self-esteem-building efforts
  4. Shocking study finds over-hyping 1,000% effective, changes everything forever!!
  5. Drunk driving may cure cancer; fatal accidents reduce cancer deaths 100%
  6. Congress ends hurtful stereotyping of blood types; everyone now A-B-O trans-positive-negative
  7. Indisputable evidence proves: when you're right, you're right; skeptics remain doubtful
  8. Sweeping reform on Wall Street; NYSE hires new cleaning service
  9. Self-driving cars end rush hour: "Welcome to cattle drive"
  10. Expanding university mystery solved; scientists discover fifth dimension of infinite student debt
  11. Rapid magnetic pole migration causes compass confusion; US exports dollar store goods to Asia
  12. Physicists detect billions of parallel universes; also a dozen perpendicular universes, and one at 45 degrees or so
  13. Comatose patients granted voting rights; major parties vie for brain-dead voters
  14. Public both doubts and embraces uncertainty principle
  15. The more things change the more they stay the same: irresistible force hits immovable object
  16. Hurricane downgraded from catastrophe to nuisance; holy-crap panic reduced to panties-in-a-bunch angst

Prepared with equal contributions from Comrade Will Beria.

User avatar
And here are some of the highlights continued inside the paper...




User avatar
Red Square wrote:And here are some of the highlights continued inside the paper...

Komrade Direktor, please have mercy upon me if I offend your Direktorial sensibilities. Wouldn't a smoking pile of radioactive ashes still be a dear friend, from before the explosion, just in jigsaw puzzle form? Furthermore, wouldn't the pile of ashes, if they were not generated from a human, still be a friend in the sense that we can scoop it up by the bucketfull and toss it on the Unwashed Masses ™?

User avatar
Now we can stop the segregation of blood types...

Truly now it can be called Trans-fusion

User avatar
Red Square wrote:Comatose patients granted voting rights; major parties vie for brain-dead voter

I believe the prediction that this won't happen is a little off, comrade. I've seen a lot of evidence that this is already happening.

User avatar
Commendations to Kapitan Kourt for his astute observation. "free stuff" has always been the best bait used to attract brain-dead voters.

User avatar
I didn't make it but it might as well be part of the No News Good News front page.


User avatar
Ivan the Stakhanovets vows to stop stalking Sam Elliott in 2016.

Image .
This image is from The Big Lebowski... an awesome movie!
A taste if you have not seen it (warning: harsh language)...
. ... N1flmNxC0w

User avatar
That seems awfully close to plagiarism. Of course, this is further proof that The Current Truth™ as express by The People's Cube™ is at The Cutting Edge™ of American societal influence.