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PEOPLE'S NEWS -- Just in time for election day, President Obama has signed an executive order requiring proxy voting for Trans-Neptunian objects in United States elections. To be equal, the eight other officially recognized planets will also get proxy votes. The order is effective immediately and will have an impact on the 2014 elections.

Trans-Neptunian Objects are minor planets and small space rocks that inhabit the area of the solar system beyond Neptune's orbit. Pluto recently lost its status as a full fledged planet and was designated to be among the Trans-Neptunian objects. The executive order reverses this decision and restores Pluto to full planetary status. It also gives that status to all other Trans-Neptunian Objects.

"It has been a hallmark of the administration to give new rights to transgendered persons. So, we were reminded by the Coalition for Rights for All Planets (CRAP) that we were unfairly discriminating against other trans populations. They have feelings too, you know. This administration strives to be the most socially ethical and inclusive administration in history. The President will have a nationally televised address about this as soon as we can put together something for the teleprompter," said an unnamed administration source.

"Each planet gets to choose a state it would like to inhabit and might even visit one day. Then we get a proxy voter to vote for that planet's choices. So far, popular states chosen by TNOs include Kansas, Iowa, Georgia, Colorado, New Hampshire, Alaska, and North Carolina. Some planets were considering adopting Arkansas and Louisiana as their preferred states, but chose some of the previously listed states after reading certain polls," said JB Demstakal, President of Coalition for Rights for All Planets (CRAP).

"Eventually, we will consider appointing a congressman and two senators from each planet. Three electoral votes for presidential elections will also be allotted. This would have the same effect as a proxy vote in various battleground states," said another unnamed administration source.

Not everyone was pleased. "So, the president is saying that every little space rock and piece of dust beyond Neptune is somehow sentient and deserves a proxy vote?? Does he think this is Alice in Wonderland?" asked an incredulous Dorothy Gale of Kansas. (Editor's note: A few hours after this quote, a tornado developed and took away the farmhouse where Ms. Gale was staying. She was in the home at the time. No remains of the farmhouse or Ms. Gale have been discovered as yet. But we do understand a claim is being made against the property owner's insurance due to the house allegedly falling on a witch.)

The executive order, referred to as the Planetary Status Protection and Affordable Media Care Act (PSPAMCA), has some other immediate requirements:

- All Trans-Neptunian Objects without proper names are to be given the name of a mythological god or the name of a politician. No more hard to understand astronomical codes. Preference goes to politicians who have large campaign funds. The federal government will set up an exchange where politicians can bid on putting their name on TNOs based on size and distance from the sun.

- If Discovery or any other cable channel does a series on the planets, they must give equal time to each of the Trans-Neptunian Objects as they would to the larger planets. A subsidy will be provided to make this affordable for media producers.

- Science fiction "B" movies by by low budget production companies must equally consider TNOs for their settings along with the larger planets. Documentation must be provided to show that such settings were considered with explanations as to why they were not chosen, if applicable. Failure to file these with the new TNO Czar (see below) will result in hefty fines.

- A TNO Czar post will be created. Eventually, this will become a full federal department with a cabinet level position. This position will be responsible for ensuring media gives equal treatment to both larger planets and TNOs, will coordinate proxy votes by TNOs in US elections, will coordinate NASA missions, will plan procedures for eventual tourism to TNOs even if this might be a century or two away, and will coordinate complaints of discrimination/hate crimes related to TNOs with the Justice Department.

- When NASA does a mission to one Trans-Neptunian Object, they must do equal missions to all TNOs. There is a mission to Pluto and if possible one or two other TNOs. This is the last example of discrimination allowed by NASA. Additional funding will be provided to ensure equality in exploration of all TNOs. The feelings of TNOs that might not be explored due to location must be considered.

- Any reference to Pluto or any other TNO as anything less than a planet will now be cause for a hate crime investigation and could result in a prison sentence and/or fines.

After the election, it is expected that Congress will create and pass a bill with the exact same text of the Executive Order. If this is successful for the party, the United States may begin allowing proxy votes and eventually appointed congressional representation for stars and known planets outside of our solar system.

The good part about this? Dear Leader has a pen and CAN grant interplanetary amnesty without Congressional approval. Hopefully this puts an end to that Rethugglikkkan argument about 57 states.

And maybe, just maybe they will have Ebola patients that we can bring here to register to vote and provide medical quarrantines to at taxpayer expense?

The New York Times headlines back in 2006, during the GOP-engineered Pluto fiasco:

• Growing disparity among planets raises moral questions
  
• Big Astronomy doesn't want you to know that big planets are getting bigger and small planets are getting smaller
  
• Class struggle in Solar System
  
• Pluto & Me: Michael Moore stands with the little guy
  
• Lack of federal funding leads to downsizing of Solar System
  
• Small planets helpless against competition
  
• Pluto decision sends shockwaves to neighboring solar systems
  
• Freezing temperatures, vacuum, darkness gave Pluto no chance
  
• Most "dwarfs" will not survive harsh winter
  
• Republicans deny aid to Pluto amidst growing concerns for the future of trans-Neptunian objects
  
• Observatory Director: Pluto's orbit "eccentric and absolutely unacceptable"

The New York Times: Pluto Crisis Edition