Image

UN: Iraqi Civilian Deaths at New High

User avatar
The United Nations said Wednesday that 54,862 Iraqi civilians were killed in October, the highest monthly toll since the Mongols invaded Turkey in the 13th century.

The U.N. tally was more than 55 times higher than anyone else has tabulated. When questioned about this the UN Spokesman on Death Tabulation stated, “We use a highly scientific process based in reality that takes into account certain factors of humanity and cross reference it with stringent factors of calculation that result in our highly accurate and unquestionable totals.” Asked if he could elaborate the spokesman simply said, “UNQUESTIONABLE!!”

"Thousands of bodies keep appearing out of nowhere. It's wacky," the U.N. Assistance Mission for Iraq report said.

The report painted a grim picture across the board, from attacks on journalists, judges, lawyers, sheep, toasters, and the occasional marmoset. One specific instance in the report tells of a young freedom fighter Mohammed Durka Mohammed, who was having a romantic evening alone with his new toaster, Aimee, when masked gunman burst into his house and tore Aimee apart. "It was horrible!", exclaimed Mohammed, "Aimee's wires and filaments were strewn all over the ground. Damn you George Bush!! Damn you!!"

Based on figures from the Iraqi Health Ministry, the Ministry of Truth, the country's hospitals and the Medico-Legal Institute in Baghdad, the report said October's figure was higher than July's previously unprecedented civilian death toll of 23,590.

"I think the type of violence is different in the past few months," Gianni Magazzeni, the UNAMI chief in Baghdad, told the news conference. "Instead of just, like, normal violence, there's like, para-normal violence. People just drop dead right in front of you. It's spooky but we all know it's America's fault so that gives some comfort.”

When asked if the mounting casualties might be a result of sectarian violence, the UN Spokesman for Zionist Oppression said, “Are you high? These deaths are a result of the Zionist oppressors trying to oppress our oppressive oppressiveness!! Where's your Burqa?”

As a direct result of this latest Death Report the UN passed a resolution stating that the only person who could save Iraq, and thus the world was Hillary Clinton. Notified of this resolution Hillary's only response was, “Well, duh!”



 
POST REPLY