The US Trademark Board has ruled that the "Redskins" must become the "ColorlessSkins" so that no color is offended. Chief Zee quickly adapts.


In a glorious act of moral redemption and social conscienceness founded upon recognition that the term "Redskins" constitutes a hate-crime term because some DOIPECIONAs (Descendants Of Indigenously Pre-European-Conquest Inhabitants Of North America a.k.a. DOIPECIONAs) feel disrespected by any term ascribing to them any particular skin-pigmentation characteristics, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Commission has extinguished Trademark-law protection for the "Redskins" football team.

Particularly offended by the term "Redskins" are the DOIPECIONAs in the State of Oklahoma, which name is derived from the name that the ancestors of modern-day DIOPECIONAs gave to their land, "Oklahumma," which means "red people."

To prevent offense against any "red people" in the State of Oklahoma (i.e., the State of Red People), the name "Oklahoma" will henceforth be banned and the State of Red People will henceforth be known only by the true meaning of it's USPS abbreviation "OK," which henceforth will be understood to be an abbreviation for "Okay." There will be great rejoicing (and perhaps peace-pipe smoking) in the State of Okay. The new State Motto will become "I'm Okay, Are You Okay?"

Additionally, the Trademark Board will also extinguish the full-name of the National Association or the Advancement of Colored People but will continue trademark protection for its acronym "NAACP" so long as the governing board promptly changes the full name to "National Association for the Advancement of Colorless People," which cannot possibly offend anyone since even "white" people are not "colorless" because "white" is a "color" and indeed is a uniform blend of all colors.

There are, of course, virtually millions of names currently enjoying trademark protection that offend at least someone, and so the Trademark Board must proceed with deliberate speed to identify all of them and promptly extinguish trademark protection for them.

Under the Equal Protection Clause, names or terms that comprise "hate crimes" may no longer receive Trademark or Copyright protection. For those unfamiliar with the term "hate-crime," the Trademark Board will define its meaning to be "any crime that is the opposite of a 'love crime' or a 'friendly felony.'"

Consistent with the new requirement for the soon-to-be-renamed "National Association of Colorless People," the new name for the "Redskins" will be the "Colorless Skins." Since science recognizes "white" as the combination of all colors and "black" as the complete absence of color at all, the new logo for the Washinton Colorless Skins will depict a "black" (i.e., colorless) person.



Thus, the now famous Washington Redskins character, Chief Zee (pictured below during happier times) will be able to keep his job, but in the future, since his skin actually appears to be brown, he must completely cover his skin with black shoe polish or other suitable bodypaint in order to be the symbol of the "Colorless Skins."


(Pictured immediately above is Chief Zee in his happier days -- a brown-skinned man as the Redskins "mascot")


Creation of Not-Yet-Trademarked Artwork to illustrate this glorious moral awakening exhibited by the Trademark Board is already in progress and will soon be added here.

--KOOK

First on the list should be PepsiCola, a hateful anagram of Episcopal.

I take offense at the name Trademark Board. My cousin Mark finds it traumatic always to be told that he may be traded.

Has anyone heard if this Seasonal Offensive against the offensive will be a "dawn" a "spring" or a "re-set" ?

So as to offend the only group deserving offending, the Washington (another dead White Man!) futbol collective will henceforth be known as the Washington "Fighting Caucasians"

As if on cue, the utterly insane and mindless Harry Reid makes some wildly incorrect assertions about the decision.
“The Redskins no longer have trademarks. They are gone,” Reid said. “And so as I understand the law, if the presiding officer wants to use the name Redskins to sell some shirts, you can do that.”

Tut, Tut, Comrade! In the world of Next Tuesday™ all governance shall by decree of Those Who Hold All Wisdom. His Crustyness' Will Be Done.

Perhaps this is a "stimulus package" or even a "cash for trademarks" program?

I thought I if I liked my trademark, I could keep my trademark. Period....

On a related note, Beth Warren complained that the Patent and Trademark Office Seal, depicting some bird holding arrows was offensive because everyone knows that native American tribes have exclusive rights to the use and images of arrows and casinos on reservation land. The USPTO responded accordingly with a multi-million dollar re-design (though the e-mails of the transaction with the artist 0bama donors have been misplaced). The new seal replaces the offending arrows with a weenie which, sources say, has come to represent Amerikan agencies more accurately than arrows anyway. Moo has not been reached for comment, as she has been sleeping off a lobster and taco binge, but is expected to object, which will require another multi-million dollar re-design and more lost e-mails.

This particular hate crime is not so much a naming problem as a logo problem. Had the team owners <spit> agreed with the idea of PETA [People Eating Tasty Animals] to use a potato instead of an image of a red indian displaced indigenous native historical personage our overworked USPTO and Harry Reid would not have been put the trouble of acting on the offense. Moo would likely also have been pleased with a potato logo, which is reason enough to do anything, no matter the expense. BUT, if not a potato, how about a logo featuring a sunburned tourist's bum? There are clearly politically correct themes in such a logo: obvious pain being experienced by a painfully white <spit> melanin-challenged person; the bum, a veritable symbol of D.C., it even includes the figurative "aisle" no one is reaching across; and, the white feathers could be retained as a statement of foreign policy and having nothing whatsoever to do with displaced indigenous native historical personages.

KOOK wrote:In a glorious act of moral redemption and social conscienceness founded upon recognition that the term "Redskins" constitutes a hate-crime term because some DOIPECIONAs (Descendants Of Indigenously Pre-European-Conquest Inhabitants Of North America a.k.a. DOIPECIONAs) feel disrespected by any term ascribing to them any particular skin-pigmentation characteristics, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Commission has extinguished Trademark-law protection for the "Redskins" football team.

KOOK, I thought the correct term was "Siberian Americans".

In the meantime, some misunderstood, persecuted minorities mocked by sportsfans are still. not. feeling. the love.

And on the topic of offensive trademarks (sorry, Diaperette), what about Smuckers? I don't care if it's good, that name's ugly!

General Motors offends me because the word "General" is militaristic. And because I drive a Ford. Weren't they gonna change to Government Motors? That's a very nice name.

"Toyota" is offensive because its name starts with "toy", and so many of The Children™ don't have toys, or have nearly enough toys.

Papa John's Pizza and Papa Romano's are both patriarchal parasites, but if they change their names to Mama John's and Mama Romano's, that should be OK.

Bank of America should change its name immediately to "Bank of a Bunch of Straight White Men Who Came From Europe and Destroyed Everything." I think they'll find that the public might appreciate this.

And Black Flag? And how must chronic liars feel when they see someone using "Ly-sol", huh?



And Guy Ritchie and Chelsea Manning should change their names to something less patriarchal, like "person" Ritchie and Chelsea Womyning.

Even I, Kelly Ivanovna Norman, have begun to refer to myself as "Norperdaughter" (Even Norperson has "son" in it).

Anyer Marx wrote:This particular hate crime is not so much a naming problem as a logo problem. Had the team owners <spit> agreed with the idea of PETA [People Eating Tasty Animals] to use a potato instead of an image of a red indian displaced indigenous native historical personage our overworked USPTO and Harry Reid would not have been put the trouble of acting on the offense. Moo would likely also have been pleased with a potato logo, which is reason enough to do anything, no matter the expense. BUT, if not a potato, how about a logo featuring a sunburned tourist's bum? There are clearly politically correct themes in such a logo: obvious pain being experienced by a painfully white <spit> melanin-challenged person; the bum, a veritable symbol of D.C., it even includes the figurative "aisle" no one is reaching across; and, the white feathers could be retained as a statement of foreign policy and having nothing whatsoever to do with displaced indigenous native historical personages.

Comrade Anyer Marx,

Your ingeniousness never ceases to amaze me, but it makes me highly suspicious that your are a closet capitalist with an intention to capitalize on your logo proposal, which the Redskins players and fans would surely demand.

I also suspect you must be a former football coach because you obviously know how to inspire typical football players to play harder.

And, of course, the cheerleaders and mascots would elevate attendance (attendants?).

Sales of items bearing (and baring) the new "Redskins" logo would skyrocket.

But there's obviously a major problem-- no doubt the Trademark Board would extinguish this logo as being sexist.

But perhaps someone could persuade the Trademark Board to "continue" the matter for further evaluation pending efforts to eliminate such gender-based, war-on-women symbolism by making it LGBTAPAH-Friendly (the "APAH" stands for "And Possibly Heterosexual") by adding a sun-burned foreskin logo on the oppposite side. This would universalize the genderization of your proposed new "Redskins" logo.


Furthermore, a sun-burned foreskin logo would comport with Redskins' fans' tradition of disparaging the team as "The Foreskins" in games or seasons in which the players do not perform up to par (sports fans often mix their metaphors).

You are a genius.

--KOOK

Tovarichi wrote:Perhaps this is a "stimulus package" or even a "cash for trademarks" program?

I thought I if I liked my trademark, I could keep my trademark. Period....

Comrade Tovarichi,

Assuming your being a Texan makes you a Cowboys fan, I further assume you might disapprove the "stimulus package" nature of Anyer Marx's proposed new logo for the Redskins, which surely would make them play harder;


--KOOK

As a white male, in a State where I am a minority (no kidding, Hispanics are the majority) I am offended by the derogatory perjorative "gringo".

So will compensate me for my anguish? Now that I'm finally a victim, I want redistribution of some major dinero....

Tovarichi wrote:As a white male, in a State where I am a minority ... I am offended by the derogatory perjorative "gringo".

So [who] will compensate me for my anguish? ....

Dear Comrade Tovarichi--

Relax ...


... You'll get your compensation in your sign-up bonus!

--KOOK

Comrades, should we all not just let the Washington Colorless Peoples have their new logo and ignore them? Why should we care about a <spit> Kapitalist entity? Is the team not owned by one man who makes <pit> <cough> profits from it? NO, I say, we should protest and boycott all things Washington Colorless Peoples and cheer for the only PUBLICLY owned team in the USSA, the Green Bay Packers. As one who ows a piece of paper that says that I can not profit from the team, but can spend whatever few rubles I have saved and dug beets for to buy more pieces of paper, I say that the Cube ™ should get behind this Progressive, forward thinking organization and leave the <hack> Kapitalisst Washington Colorless Peoples far behind us as a reminder of what happens when <spit> someone makes a <choke> profit from something.

They should change the name to the Washington Kochs in honor of Chief Crazy Person Reid.

In honor of Supreme Swift boat Fleet Admiral John F. Kerry, who was wounded 57 times while on 57 fatal missions while serving screwing his comrades (like the number of States) it only seems fair ™ to name the franchise as The Heinz 57'ers.

Comrads,
Should they change the team name to the TradeMarx or PatientPosse for supporting this special occasion our government use their beyond reach to stop the national crisis from happening?

New Comrade, rather than denounce, disembowel, and deport your remains, let's just use today as a teaching moment...

There is nothing--absolutely nothing " beyond reach " of Dear Leader (PBUH) or his trusted agents (with a possible exception of a few e-mails from the IRS). Grab your shovel, there are beets to tend...

Now, thanks to Anyer Marx, in future games between the Redskins and Cowboys, the Mascot Battles will be totally different:


Thanks to the Redskins logo-change designed by Anyer Marx, the Mascot Matches during Redskins vs Cowboys games will no longer feature battles between the Redskins' famous Chief Zee and the Cowboys' "Crazy Ray Jones" (rest in peace) or Jones' successor. Instead, it will be between the Redskin Babe and the Midnight Cowboy. Coppertone's loss is the Redskins' gain. No more bronze blond cheerleaders-- only sunburned blonds.

--KOOK

Comrades, I present to you the new name for the former racist Washington Redskins:

The Washington Gun Free Zone!!!

The first NFL team to play with no defensive lineup, the Gun Free Zone will use pass whistles and run whistles as a defense. While scoffers claim that the Zone players have also been instructed to urinate on opposing teams when they feel threatened, sources close to the team say that there's (currently) no truth to the rumor.

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:

WashingtonGunFreeZone.jpg

Comrades, I present to you the new name for the former racist Washington Redskins:

The Washington Gun Free Zone!!!

The first NFL team to play with no defensive lineup, the Gun Free Zone will use pass whistles and run whistles as a defense. [highlight=#ffff00]While scoffers claim that the Zone players have also been instructed to urinate on opposing teams when they feel threatened, sources close to the team say that there's (currently) no truth to the rumor[/highlight].

If this rumor is true, however, I am envisioning playoffs between Zone players and Team Occupy players, who defecate upon their opponents (or at least upon their vehicles).

RedDiaperette wrote:

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:

The attachment WashingtonGunFreeZone.jpg is no longer available

Comrades, I present to you the new name for the former racist Washington Redskins:

The Washington Gun Free Zone!!!

The first NFL team to play with no defensive lineup, the Gun Free Zone will use pass whistles and run whistles as a defense. [highlight=#ffff00]While scoffers claim that the Zone players have also been instructed to urinate on opposing teams when they feel threatened, sources close to the team say that there's (currently) no truth to the rumor[/highlight].

If this rumor is true, however, I am envisioning playoffs between Zone players and Team Occupy players, who defecate upon their opponents (or at least upon their vehicles).

Comrade RedD,

How's this for a play using your proposed tactics?

Captain Craptek wrote:

RedDiaperette wrote:

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:

WashingtonGunFreeZone.jpg

Comrades, I present to you the new name for the former racist Washington Redskins:

The Washington Gun Free Zone!!!

The first NFL team to play with no defensive lineup, the Gun Free Zone will use pass whistles and run whistles as a defense. [highlight=#ffff00]While scoffers claim that the Zone players have also been instructed to urinate on opposing teams when they feel threatened, sources close to the team say that there's (currently) no truth to the rumor[/highlight].

If this rumor is true, however, I am envisioning playoffs between Zone players and Team Occupy players, who defecate upon their opponents (or at least upon their vehicles).

Comrade RedD,

How's this for a play using your proposed tactics?

crossbuckcounter2.jpg

Would one call such a play a cleanup or a wipeout?

Tovarichi wrote:New Comrade, rather than denounce, disembowel, and deport your remains, let's just use today as a teaching moment...

There is nothing--absolutely nothing " beyond reach " of Dear Leader (PBUH) or his trusted agents (with a possible exception of a few e-mails from the IRS). Grab your shovel, there are beets to tend...

Just came back from our leader's summer camp. I made so much progress making rows upon rows of beets. I even made a trench for the dead irrigation.

Attaboy comrade,the joys of Jiffy-lobo are without limits!

Join us behind tractor barn #2 this evening for political discourse, singing of marching songs and freshly distilled light refreshments.

I have just realized that the name of the city in which a 500 mile race is annually held on a 3- day weekend the name of the state in which it is in jurisdiction thereof are both OFFENSIVE, and used together are doubly offensive. I shall not lower the status of the Cube by using the "I-word" as applied to the city or the state, but I am offended, and entitled to compensation.