Wanted by the White House: MORE Sob Stories!

Comrades, President Obama needs your help to raise everyone’s awareness of how the government shutdown is utterly ruining everyone’s lives and destroying everything in its path, and all at the behest of those greedy, evil anarchists, arsonists, extortionists, bomb-throwers, flame-throwers, terrorists, fearmongers, hatemongers, hostage-takers, killers, murderers, and thieves that make up the Tea Party Republicans, who are holding their guns, including assault weapons, to the heads of the American people, strapping explosives to the chests of children, and chowing down on kittens and puppies and bunnies while forcing everyone else to starve to death!

How can you help? By clicking on this link and sharing your courageous story of how the government shutdown has affected you, or more specifically, what the Republicans are doing to terrorize and torture you and take away your right to all the free stuff that makes America great!

Submission Guidelines:

Only tales of terror, woe, desperation and despair will be accepted. Your story must include at least one sentence blaming Republicans. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, facts and coherence are not important—what IS important is how horribly you are suffering!

We also accept photo selfies of you holding up a sign telling Republicans in your own unique way that you want your government back.

Undocumented/Aspiring Americans, Non-Aspiring Non-Americans, and children of all ages are encouraged to submit! As you can see at the above link, there is absolutely nothing that says you must be at least 18 years of age or a U.S. citizen to share your story—because let’s face it, the shutdown affects EVERYONE on Earth!

We will not accept any of the following: Anything that blames Obama and/or the Democrats. Any accounts of self-reliance. Of how people are making do. Of the many ways people are managing to get by without all that government, in its benevolent goodness and good benevolence, provides. Of the mythical resourcefulness that conservatives claim dwell inside every human as some sort of God-given free will crapola. Anyone who says the government shutdown is affecting them in these or other so-called “positive” ways is a ten-Pinocchio, raging, flaming Pants-on-Fire LIAR!

What Could You Get Out of This?

If your story is pathetic enough, President Obama could use it in one of his speeches, and even mention you by name! “I’m thinkin’ of Commissarka Pinkie, who can’t even wield her shovel now because the Republicans decided she’s hurtin’ too many of them with it! So they took it away from her and put it in the outhouse behind her hovel. She tried to go out there and fetch it so she could whack some Republicans into doing their job, and saw a sign on the door that said, ‘Due to the Government Shutdown and the failure of Congress to do its job, Pinkie cannot have her shovel!’ So she opened the outhouse door to get it anyway, and along comes Michele Bachmann and some other Tea Party anarchists who took it away from Pinkie and put it back in the outhouse. And this time they wired the outhouse shut with plastic twist-ties. Now, not only is she no longer able to use her shovel on Republicans—but she can’t even go to the bathroom!”

And if Obama mentions you by name, you could become a media darling! You could appear on all the morning talk shows, where they will fawn over you and ask you how you feel to have had your name and story mentioned by Obama, and who knows? They may even ask if you’ve ever considered running for Congress yourself! As a Democrat, of course, who will stand up for the people and take back our government from the Tea Party anarchists!

What WILL You Get Out of This?

But even if Obama doesn’t use your story, or you don’t become a media darling, one thing you are guaranteed if you participate: You will automatically be signed up to receive FREE daily e-mails for LIFE from the Obama Administration, the Democratic National Committee, AND Organizing for Action!

Each and every e-mail will be personally addressed to you and contain valuable information on how YOU can single-handedly help Obama continue the fundamental transformation of America that Americans, to include many aspiring and even dead ones, voted for!

Free. Every Day. And for the rest of your life. Best of all, no shutdown or sequester will ever stop those e-mails. So submit your sob story today!



Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People’s Cube, and is renowned and admired by the masses for her dedication to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything or whacking unruly proles with her shovel, she enjoys spending other people’s money, ginning up phony outrage, and playing moral authority and victim cards.
 

I cried because I had no feet. Then I saw a man without any Air Jordans.
 

I followed the provided link and saw this on the White House website - THEIR OWN SOB STORY!

The White House

Due to Congress’s failure to pass legislation to fund the government, the information on this web site may not be up to date. Some submissions may not be processed, and we may not be able to respond to your inquiries.
Only Marxs knows how this inability to update the website and process submissions may affect all the other sob stories. The stories of people's suffering are in danger of never seeing the light of day! Unless, of course, Obama's propaganda team are deemed to be essential emergency personnel, taking priority over all other government functions.

The screenshot below is real and hasn't been in any way modified.



 

 

I WENT OUT OF MY ABODE AND FOUND DEAD FISH!! It is because Rethugicans closed dear leaders government because they are racist..... now, the government is not there to keep the fish fed!!!





Here is a response sent in by a "friend". So sad that I have a tear!!



 

 

Comrades, compare a FLATUS approved school lunch from last week to next week...



Rethugglikkans will only allow one meal per day and only for the registered student who must attend class to be entitled to this meal...and the price is deducted from Mama's EBT account! Won't somebody think of the CHILDREN™ !?!!???
 

Fraulein Frankenfeinstein

I WENT OUT OF MY ABODE AND FOUND DEAD FISH!! It is because Rethugicans closed dear leaders government because they are racist..... now, the government is not there to keep the fish fed!!!Hold on now, perhaps we all are being a little too hasty in criticizing the government shut down, especially in light of these delicious repercussions.

 

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The Food and Drug Administration is no longer monitoring the quality and quantity of BOTOX on the market

DISASTER IS LOOMING!


 

 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !<sob!> My mail is slow; my "representatives" ignore me; and, the census people just can't seem to understand that we really don't have time with three jobs and four kids to answer 26 pages of intimate questions in their "community survey" notwithstanding their constant calling to see if they can "help" get answers to the questions of how many rooms we live in; the size of those rooms; the miles we travel to work (when we can find it away from the beet fields I suppose); the cost of heat; positions preferred with mistresses and/or consorts and/or fauna versus wives and/or husbands .... Strange that there have been no calls since the "shutdown" ... to hear the guvmint representatives tell it, answers were essential for the good of The Children™, and failing to answer would result in persecutions prosecutions and train rides, though not necessarily in that order .... Hmm. Suddenly my sobs are unsobbing.




 

Captain Craptek

Please open the government - fast!

Did someone spill water on her? Looks like she's mellllltinnnnggggg....
 

Anyer Marx

Did someone spill water on her? Looks like she's mellllltinnnnggggg....
No, not water, methyl ethyl ketone (MEK).
 

Thanks to the evil Rethuglikkkan shutdown all of my plants have died. I have since had to steal Comrade Anyer's LAST POTATO SKIN to feed myself.




 

Tsk, tsk...and we know how Comrade Marx enjoys the added flavor of potato skins...
 

Comrade Rodent, were you born in a tree? Didn't your maternal caretaker inform you that those who taunt can become badly injured? (pavement pizza comes to mind...)


 

Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
 

 

Most Glorious Commissarka,

I think I need a manicure for the deferred maintenance by proper Government Assigned manicurists on my talons.

Could you please notify the proper Agencies of my dismay?

Dammit!!! What do you mean they are closed!?!

I want my manicure NOW!!!!!!!!!!

-RR
 

This story is now in the Washington Times Communities, slightly abridged.

Obama needs your sob stories about the government shutdown

 

Congrats, Pinkie old girl!
 

Ivan must have moved into a shovel-proof ballistic-strength LEXAN jar if he can get away with addressing Pinkie by both gender and age bracket...
 

Fun Fact: Brain Tissue has no pain receptors.
 

Show-off.
 

Government shut down is good for me! I'm now first in line for when government cheese distribution opens up. You lost your place tovarish, get to the back of the line!
 

Tovarichi, if you happened to read what I wrote, you would see that the Republicans took away my shovel and locked it up in my outhouse with twist-ties so that I can neither use it nor go to the bathroom. Granted, I suppose I could always do my business on a police cruiser, but those have also been rendered inaccessible due to the Shutdown.

And even if I wanted to whack Betinov, I couldn't, because he's blocked off by orange pylons. If not for those, I might compensate for my lack of shovel by placing him between Michelle Obama and a platter of tamales.
 

Commissarka Pinkie

... I might compensate for my lack of shovel by placing him between Michelle Obama and a platter of tamales. No, not the TAMALE torture! It's too cruel...



and there are no government workers to rescue and rehabilitate him!
 

 

Without NASA, my ancestors contributions to mathematics are not celebrated! Who will boost my self esteem now? Someone's GOT to pay my bills...
 

 

Sea turtles are starving; yes, they're actually starving to death because the Republicans shut down Biscayne Bay in Florida. Where are these glorious creatures supposed to feed now, Mr. Speaker-In-Tongues, you bastard, huh? Hungry sea turtles = lots of tears, which have salt in them like the bay that is now barricaded by nets and mercenary scuba divers with harpoon guns (like out of James Bond movie).

Meanwhile, two pods of Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have stranded themselves on Key Biscayne in an act of Revolutionary Suicide (Jim Jones style) to protest the mistreatment of their aquatic comrades.
 

As the Federal Communications System is furloughed, all sattelite and telephone/radio or television communications must stop immediately. Shut down all devices at once. You will be sent an e-mail or text message instructing you when it is safe to reactivate your electronics.

Your Federal Government
 

The Saddest Victim of the Government Shutdown: the Obama administration didn't get the barriers around Sandra Fluke up in time to keep the crowds out.

In my defense, General Secretary made me do it. He said that if I make this picture, it would be funny.
 

Due to the rethuglikkkan party and the fascist tea party, who revel in just causing misery for every American, the People's Navy has been forced to furlough the use of mops on-board ships during the Government shutdown. Our ships are now starting to look as dirty as the rethuglikkkan hostage taking tactics that brought this shutdown on in the first place.

There you have it................My own personal swab story



 

Der mister presedent,


Bekause of the Rethugglicans and they closed the guverment, there was no official to come to my limonaid stand and tell me it was against the rules. So the National Guard was mobulized and they kame in two tanks and bilt a 10 foot fence around my limonaid stand and my mom and dad got mad and yelled at them so they took my dad away. We don't know where he went.

But I'm happy bekause the nice National Guards men tore down my limonaid stand bekaus it was bad but I didn't know.

But I'm sad bekaus if the evil Rethugglikans had let you run the guverment, none of this would have happened.

The end.

Love, Re-Edukated in Reno.

p.s. Have you seen my dad.
 

Do we not already have many S.O.B. stories sitting in White House and Congress?