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Welcome to the People's Baseball League

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Comrades, the recent death of Bobby Thompson has brought back memories of the loud-mouth counter-revolutionary announcer yelling "The Giants win the pennant!" ("Giants??? There are no "giants", all teams should be of equal stature!) like Barack Obama had won an election or something. I think that this so-called "sport" needs to be upgraded and overhauled to fit in with the group-modern-thinking progressive culture we now enjoy, thanks to the supremacy of our glorious Party. To show you what I mean, here is how I envision the typical baseball contest ought to be waged.

Announcer:
Hello Comrades, from First Woman House Speaker Nancy Pelosi Stadium in Cleveland, Ohio, welcome to today's game between the Detroit Endangered Tigers and the Cleveland Caucasians. Your play-by-play person for today is Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola with expert commentary provided by Vernon Cepeda-Drabowski-McCarver.
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
Good afternoon, fellow workers. Vern, today's starting pitcher for the Caucasians, Michelle Goebbels-Marx-Bin Laden has been in the epicenter of some controversy recently, hasn't he?
Vernon Cepeda-Drabowski-McCarver:
Right Barry, the league fined him after his last game for throwing a curveball in an attempt to gain an unfair advantage over the opposing team. And earlier this year, he was suspended for excessive practicing in what the People's Baseball Committee viewed was a mean-spirited attempt to make his comrade opposing players look bad. And OSHA is considering prosecuting him for that brushback pitch he threw in a game against New York Yankee Imperialists last month.
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
But the Detroit team has also had its share of troubles recently hasn't it?
Vernon Cepeda-Drabowski-McCarver:
Right, Barry. New Endangered Tigers manager Rahm Stalin-Berra-Blagojevich was cited by the Sports Diversity Commission when his roster's mandantory handicapped female player of Middle Eastern descent turned out to be a well-tanned female impersonator with a fake peg leg. Unfortunately, the team already had one female impersonator on the roster to perform Streisand classics between innings so Manager Rahm was in a bit of a trouble over that rookie mistake.
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
It's not good news for Detroit coming on the heels of last season's bankruptcy and bailout by the government which will eventually give majority ownership of the team to connected season-ticket holders and the Refreshment Vendors Union.
Vernon Cepeda-Drabowski-McCarver:
Right Barry, but as the Party elders say, "Never let a good crisis go to waste."
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
Hold that thought, Vern. It's time for the fans and viewers at home to stand for the national anthem. In the spirit of multi-culturalism and diversity, today's national anthem is from Iran.
"Allah will kill the infidel
Then will send them all to hell
He'll destroy the vermin Juice
And he hates baseball, too!"

(Applause)
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
Vern, I must inform everybody that umpire crew chief Sonia Sotomayor has instructed her crew to favor the Endangered Tigers on close calls today owing to the fact that they've lost 5 games in a row and the players are starting to feel bad. And this decision has nothing to do with the fact that the government owns 70% of the team and does not want to be embarrassed any further.
Vernon Cepeda-Drabowski-McCarver:
Right Barry, but as usual the umps will be giving preference on all calls to oppressed players of African-American and Latino heritages and to those from disadvantaged backgrounds.
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
The People's Baseball League wishes to remind all viewers that this telecast is property of the Federal Department of Entertainment and any publication, reproduction or other unauthorized use is strictly prohibited. Anyone charging admission to view it will be executed following a fair trial.

And we also have to remind everyone here at the stadium or watching on their telescreens that booing or any inappropriate or offensive remarks about the players or umpires are prohibited.
Vernon Cepeda-Drabowski-McCarver:
Right Barry, that booing thing is why Philadelphia no longer has any sports teams.
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
We'll be right back with the preliminary legal challenges to today's game and today's list of TV sponsor boycotts right after this message from your friendly neighborhood mosque.
"Hello, I'm Djimmi Carter and I want to tell you about a wonderful new movement I've discovered..." (viewer muted sound illegally here)
Barack Gowdy-Bretos-Garragiola:
Alright, we're back and the Caucasians are on the field. We're ready for the first pitch of the ball game and it's.... right down the middle, strike one! Hold it, the Detroit legal team has just emerged from the dugout waving a subpoena, I think we're going to have a lawsuit filed here. Yep, it looks like we're gonna have an arraignment delay so while the ground crew puts the witness box on the field, you are required to stay tuned for this message about the new Chevy Volt...

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Ah....Comrade Whoopie...you have certainly done a commendable job of characterizing how the imperialist passtime SHOULD be played. And thank goodness those Proles in Philly are no longer allowed to speak against the Sporting World of Next Tuesday.

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A little minor surgery would make the entire game gender neutral...

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Ivan Betinov wrote:A little minor surgery would make the entire game gender neutral...
No batter would ever have a "2 and 0" count.

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ah yes, baseballing. Fearless Leader is good at baseballing too, is he not?! Just look at he way he throws...tosses... rolls the ball, much like great auntie Gerhildatrude. Does it not make you cry?


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Fraulein, please forward to me the name of that woman in the background who is walking away and not watching and cheering the Dear Leader for his efforts to knock down pins in her behalf. She is to be arrested.

You have raised a good point. We need to de-emphasize useless sports like baseballing and encourage everyone to partake of activities that the Dear Leader has chosen, like shooting hoops. Of course, average proles will not have anyone to move the basket for them so that their shots always go thru, but hey, not everyone can be as gifted as The Won.

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Comrade, I do believe..... yes, here it is..... that is Janeane Gawdawfullo, the almost famous whatever.
Here is a photo of her taken after leaving the White House, most recently. I believe she was forced asked to attend a Get- Your- Mind- Straight Beer & Beet Summit.

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Now that you mention sports, I am thinking Monopoly might be a good Obamopoly 'sport' to emphases. It can be played with the kiddies (good for photo ops) and it is easy to punish greedy capitalist by sending them to Jail. (and as I understand, dearest Leader is not very accomplished at golfing (AT WHITE MAN'S ENTERTAINMENT!), basketball, swimming or baseball.... bowling. It is our duty, as loyal proles to find something he might be able to do to put his 'accomplished' label on.

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Yes, well... (harumph) I think we can forgo arresting Comrade Gawdawfulo. The prisoners in the gulag are already suffering enough. Besides, I am sure Dear Leader would agree that she brightens any room, even a bowling alley, by leaving it.

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You have made very good pointed, points Comrade Opiate. And I am sure Gawdawfulo's services are needed elsewhere, since she is most accomplished at finger pointing. I am wondering if there would be a Czar position open for her? We must make sure the reichwingers know they are racist and I heard a rumor she is well versed in saying such.


 
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