What If There Is a God and It's Not Barack Obama?

Experts ponder bizarre paradox...

WHAT IF THERE IS A GOD AND IT'S NOT BARACK OBAMA?

Credentialed specialists in political cosmology and government-approved astrophysics are grappling with a mind-bending possibility: what if there is some force other than government power that is responsible for the world in which we live?

This unexpected schism is caused by recent experiments at the Large Handout Deficit Collider, in which generated sequester particles did not cause the universe to implode as predicted.

The original plan called for shooting highly charged irresistable Keynsian public stimulus forces at immovable wealthy private capital objects, in the hope of creating enough monetary fusion products to keep the economy's momentum from decelerating for another summer.

Theoreticians believed if the deficit could not reach sanity escape velocity, huge numbers of sequester particles would be released, which would generate financial black holes and quickly envelop all observable too-big-to-fail banks, eventually compressing the entire world economy into a space smaller than Joe Biden's brain.

However, instead of causing fiscal black holes or any other observable damage, the created sequester particles quickly vanished without a trace - just like a California state budget surplus crapon, a hypothetical particle which has never been observed in nature.

Such an outcome seems even more counter-intuitive than Einstein's famous Theory of Hiring Relatives, for it suggests the existence of a force much stronger than government spending ions inside the economic nucleus - and that this unidentified force is, in fact, what's holding all fiscal matter in the universe together.
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These unforeseen results have left experts grasping for alternative explanations.



"They didn't use powerful enough Keynesian stimulus forces!,"says Nobel Prize winner in Economic Physics, Paul Krugman. "Everybody knows Keynesian stimulus forces are not irresistible in small doses. You have to generate a large enough charge to poison one of Schrodinger's Fat Cats at a range of 500 AU (agricultural subsidy units - editors). To do this you need massive amounts of green energy from federally-subsidized solar and wind projects."

"Science tells us that the Treasury issues debt and the Federal Reserve buys it back," Krugman said. "The angular momentum generated by this rotation is what keeps the earth spinning on its axis. Galileo proved this centuries ago with his federally-funded telescopes. The idea that there is some force other than the government making things work is heresy!"

As it were, until government spending accelerators can produce more deficit isotopes to fuel its pork-barrel reactors, further experiments must be put on hold, leaving experts like Krugman no option but to try and shout down anyone who disagrees with them.

Furthermore, if the discovery cannot be disproved or forced underground by violent street protests, its long-term ramifications are frightening. According to some scholars, it would imply that there could be universes where unicorns don't exist and maybe even where socialism doesn't work, as hard as that is to believe.

And yet many in the scientific community deem the conclusion false, proof be damned.

"Money makes the world go round," says head of the U.S. Department of the Treasury, Jacob Lew. "And the dollar is a fiat currency, which means the Federal Reserve creates money out of nothing. And Barack Obama appoints the Fed Chairman. Ergo, President Obama is the ultimate power in this world. The logic is impeccable; there can be no argument. The science is settled."

"It took womankind centuries to free herself from superstitions and irrational beliefs that have no basis in fact," noted the influential feminist author, Naomi Wolf. "For me to believe this conclusion would mean to reject every modern idea I ever learned in grad school. You might as well ask me to believe in the Laffer Curve or that my health insurance will cost me more under ObamaCare."

More importantly, famous people frequently seen on TV also remain skeptical. Climate scientist Al Gore makes the most convincing case: "How can we trust any scientist without the peer reviews and celebrity endorsements? All I see is a bunch of heterosexual white men playing tricks with numbers and data. Anyone can prove anything by doing that."

"In real science we always draw our curve first, then plot our data. That way, you always know what you're going to get. Otherwise, only Gaia knows what kind of non-scientific junk you may come up with," Gore said.

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, summed it up this way: "We know Climate Change is real, so whenever the 'numbers' don't bear it out, that only means the numbers are wrong. This case is similar in all respects. Trust me, we know exactly what we're doing."
 

Opiate of the People

Experts ponder bizarre paradox...

WHAT IF THERE IS A GOD AND IT'S NOT BARACK OBAMA?



BLASPHEMY!!!
 

Comrade Opiate,

Your reporting of this story was most stimulating. I've read and re-read it for over an hour, yet still cannot grasp its meaning. Therefore, it is The Current Truth™ and of great value. Continue your good work, comrade, and may Obama (PBUH) bless you.

PS- I almost forgot to thank you for mentioning the crapon particle, which was named after my late father Professor Craptek of M.I.T. for his outstanding work in the field of sexual deviance.
 

Comrade Opiate - The People are REVOLTING!


 

As seen from space: Obamanomics Implosion. It's economics not physics, you idiot.

Speaking of scientific proof, hey, what about those approval numbers?


 

I.M. Craptek

Your reporting of this story was most stimulating. I've read and re-read it for over an hour, yet still cannot grasp its meaning.

Comrade, I wrote it and I do not understand it either. Not to worry, for in the Peoples Science, not knowing what you are talking about is the highest form of understanding.
 

Unfortunately, because of the Republicans total denial of the Peoples Empirical Science, sequester cutback's will effect the People's Scientists ability to get grant money for the proper tools necessary to futher the Peoples Hypothesis. These are dark days for the republic.



 

My dear Opiate and Fellow Progressive Comrades,

Fear not-- There IS a God, but even though it's NOT Barack Obama, it's Obama's God (and, of course, our own God):




--KOOK
 

Gulag 4 Alfred

Comrade Opiate - The People are REVOLTING!


Comrade, the Party Central Committee agrees that the people are revolting but we need their votes and their money so we keep them around.
 

Now that I've illustrated the lead post, I'd like to post a slightly off-topic image I discovered in the process. I like listening to modern covers of favorite old songs. This is a modern cover of a favorite old painting, done with technology unavailable to the original artist.



And here's a larger diagram of the Ultimate Power that makes the world go round:


 

What? Did the ATLAS particle detector at CERN shrug? Of course there's a freaking DOG, you Boson! It's Laika!

Dyslexic, agnostic, and up all night...
Sis
 

Comrade Square, do you suppose that, had he had our current technology at his disposal, van Gogh might have refrained from cutting off his ear?

Or, possibly, might he have cut off BOTH his ears, due to his frustration with said technology?

These (and other) things make me say "hmmmm..."
 

Perhaps Obama is not God after all. Is there a Ms. Altas or Mrs. Altas like Mrs. Red Square?
 

"...what if there is some force other than government power that is responsible for the world in which we live?"

Heretics have been burned at the stake for less!
 

R.O.C.K. in the USSA

Comrade Square, do you suppose that, had he had our current technology at his disposal, van Gogh might have refrained from cutting off his ear?

Or, possibly, might he have cut off BOTH his ears, due to his frustration with said technology?

These (and other) things make me say "hmmmm..."

ROCK,

I'll admit I've considered self mutilation ever since purchasing PainShop PaintShop Pro X5.
 

I.M. Craptek

R.O.C.K. in the USSA

Comrade Square, do you suppose that, had he had our current technology at his disposal, van Gogh might have refrained from cutting off his ear?

Or, possibly, might he have cut off BOTH his ears, due to his frustration with said technology?

These (and other) things make me say "hmmmm..."

ROCK,

I'll admit I've considered self mutilation ever since purchasing PainShop PaintShop Pro X5.

I highly encourage it... and not even because of technological problems. Hell.. if all it took was technology to make me mutilate myself, I'd do it because my toaster can't make a decent piece of browned bread. No... do it for the endorphins! Piercings... Tats... I once cured myself of a cranial subdural hematoma with a hammer drill and a two inch hole saw. I don't trust modern medicine and hospitals are cesspits of disease. My tub is much cleaner. I also did it to Chairman Meowsevich when he put himself into a ketamine-induced stupor to get out of being in trouble with our Peoples' Direktor in 2006, after a run of dine and dash incidents that involved stealing an Escalade and running down an elderly couple. Kept him very quiet for months. Go for it. If you're hesitant, I can get you started.

Fun all around!
Sis

p.s. Ahem... Boss?... Is there a bit more room in Housekeeping's budget for a trip to Home Depot? You know how I love power tools and I am a bit short on heavy duty plastic drop clothes... for some reason... Dutifully... me.
 

Yeah... sorry Craptek... I just looked at your icon... You'll definitely be needing my help if all you've got is those calipers. The only thing you can do with those is ram them in someone's eye to defend yourself in close quarters... or measure something.
 

Opiate of the People

You have to generate a large enough charge to poison one of Schrodinger's Fat Cats at a range of 500 AU (agricultural subsidy units - editors).

I don’t know how you could have gotten this so wrong. Everyone knows that the universe was created when Ceiling Cat coughed up a furball.



 

Does this mean I have to give up all those wonderful progressive fables my parental units taught me as a little escaped zygote of the "WON" "ONE"(pbuh) that was to come Next Tuesday to usher in a 1000 years of darkness Prog Utopia?? This makes me :(