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Where is Chairman Meow?

POLL: Where do you think Chairman Meow is?

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Where is Chairman Punchenko? Curious minds want to know.

Rumors of his lengthy absence have ricocheted across the collective. Over borscht and beets, his name comes up in hushed conversation. Was he assassinated? Did he join David Axelrod's former PR firm for a six-figure salary? Is he training to play with the Detroit Pistons? Did he run off to Rio with Nancy's bisexual bodyguard?

There is more rumor than fact, but a photo was recently left near my compound in a plain brown envelope:

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There was little forensic evidence for my lab team to decipher. No clear fingerprints on the envelope, no enclosed message, no telltale origins of the photo. Clearly, this is a piece of the puzzle, but how does it fit?

Where is Chairman Meow?

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I have personal knowledge of this. One night, about a month ago, there was a horrible racket at the front door of the Rancho. Bruno of course ran screaming into the farthest room. "Theocritus, I promise that I didn't order anything!"

I peered through the peephole and found that there, standing outside, was Meow. I opened the door, gingerly, and once he was inside slammed him against the wall and frisked him for weapons.

"Nothing personal, Chairman, and I'm sure that you understand."

"Of course, Theocritus. Of course. But still I'm hurt..."

"Save it, Meow. I'm still waiting for the return of my incunabula. Why did you want them when you can't read?"

"I don't know, Theocritus, but they looked valuable and since I'm a Made Progressive they just...called to me."

"Well, you are who you are. And that bring up a question: Why are you here?"

"Theocritus, we've got to do something. Day and night I keep getting phone calls from Our Many Titted Empress. The Hildebeest is pining, Theocritus, just <i>pining</i>. She ought to sit in the Olval Office, you know."

"Meow, you know how much I love and adore her and did right up to the minute when it was obvious that she wasn't going to win the nomination. But what can we do?"

"Dear O'Leader's poll numbers are tanking now, and even the Progs are giving him a bad grade in health care. It's our chance to lead a palace coup and put Our Many Titted Empress back into power."

"Meow," I said, "calm down. You don't have a chance. You forget that this is being run by the TelePrompTer and Nansky. When Dear O'Leader isn't reading from TOTUS, he's talking because Nansky's arm is up his ass all the way to the shoulder. Do you really think that our MTE would put up with that?"

Meow looked down at the terrazzo, which is still marked with the hoof marks of our MTE. "No, Theocritus, I don't think that she will. But," and here he looked up plangently, "does that mean that Nansky is the biggest force in the world?"

"Yes, Meow, she is. And you know why?"

Meow shook his head. "No, Theocritus, I don't."

"It's because she's even stupider and meaner than our dear MTE. That's why."

Meow sighed, and, his shoulders slumped, sloped off into the night. That's the last I've seen of him.

Poor Meow. Even he doesn't understand that the stupefaction of the world zooms along. We are near to an idiocracy.

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A poignant and moving revelation, Commissar.

Did he happen to mention paying me the money he owes me???

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General Mousey-Tongue wrote: There was little forensic evidence for my lab team to decipher. No clear fingerprints on the envelope, no enclosed message, no telltale origins of the photo. Clearly, this is a piece of the puzzle, but how does it fit?

Where is Chairman Meow?

I CONFESS, I CONFESS!!! Being a bird of very little brain, big beak and discerning talons, I cleverly (yet now I see not so cleverly) place the envelope.

With grand dreams for out MTE, it seems Meow has now eloped. And who can blame him?...

After the last 8 months...

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Kind and Fearless leader:

Gomez, one of my Goons Highly Trained Troopers reports that Meow got in to a van and said to him "Drive you pin head". Gomez compliantly started the van and drove off.
Meow was snoring and flatulating as they drove west on I-40. Gomez has an I.Q. of 45 which makes him one of my smarter Goons Troopers, he reported that the vehicle was low on fuel and he stopped in Arkansas. Meow went in to the station clogged the toilet, stole a 2 liter bottle of Mr. Pibb, fried pork rinds, a bag of depends, and a can of Lysol.

Gomez, while pumping gas in to the vehicle said, Meow started the engine and drove off. Last seen heading in the direction of Oklahoma, with gas nozzle and hose being dragged.

Gomez is still following on foot......

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Punchenko may have a penchant for J-Rock, but his attire in this photo is definitely giving me a death metal vibe, esp. the black painted fingernails (at least we can rule out emo). But the Rising Sun stage motif cements my suspicions of the former.

If he's in Japan, maybe Snoogie Woogums could make inquiry on our behalf to Japanese authorities. Shouldn't be that hard to find a pasty white Prog in leather and spikes (except maybe in Harajuku or Shibuya) in the ethnically homogenized crowds.

Comrade Red Star, what color was that van?

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Red Ford Van, with Hemlock, the resturant to "Die" In.......Fearless leader came up with the slogan.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Great. That means that Meow is going to be in range shortly. It's only 360 miles north of the Rancho to I-40 and I'll get him at Clines Corners, at Yacht Club Drive. There's a truck stop there and I'll make sure that I have complete use of a garage bay, with the hoists and all the, er, tools. That's right, the tools.

And, General M-T, I'll be sure to inquire about your money. And if there's any left, after my reimbursement, I'll turn it over, after a 110% processing and handling fee.

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Red Star, have you thought of putting pleasure and pain electrodes into the microcephalic skulls of your goons agents? Just think of the fun you could have pressing the buttons like remote controls. One false move, and Zap!

I think that we ought to investigate adding this as a line to Jiffi-Lobo, just as Midas added brakes. Get your Prog tune-up. It ought to be a good revenue enhancer for us--the prog getting the tune-up will bribe the doctor <i>not</i> to put in the pain receptor; I on the other hand will insist that it be put on, along with a GPS tracking device, and pocket the bribe. And after the Jiffi-Lobo the Prog won't know, will he?

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RR, do not ever feel guilty about Meow. I promise you he won't about you. Ever. No matter what. Once I saw him go into an orphanage, steal the children's food, replacing it with food from China with formaldehyde in it.

"Meow, that's a bit too much even for you."

"Theocritus, you know that everything I do is for the children. Formaldehyde will preserve their dear little hearts, and anyway this stuff I'm taking is entirely too rich for them. They're not used to food like that. It would be snobbery to let the dear little tykes see food that good. So it only makes sense to feed them ground-up Chinese mummies."

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Oh great and Fearless leader what a great idea the entertainment potential is endless.

I just received a call from Gomez, he stated he was still hot on Meows tail. He stole borrowed a bicycleand was hauling ass down I-40. he stated that he can still smell Meows signature odor
"Mothballs". And actually at one point caught up to the van close enough that one of Meows depends hit him as it was heaved out the window. When you intercept Meow, give Gomez a McDonald's free burger coupon. I will re-reimburse you. He deserves a reward, before I take him to Jiffy Lobo, for loosing one of my vans!




Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:RR, do not ever feel guilty about Meow. I promise you he won't about you. Ever. No matter what. Once I saw him go into an orphanage, steal the children's food, replacing it with food from China with formaldehyde in it.

"Meow, that's a bit too much even for you."

"Theocritus, you know that everything I do is for the children. Formaldehyde will preserve their dear little hearts, and anyway this stuff I'm taking is entirely too rich for them. They're not used to food like that. It would be snobbery to let the dear little tykes see food that good. So it only makes sense to feed them ground-up Chinese mummies."

I have seen him feed starving kittens toxin-enriched Pupovich Chow while laughing hysterically. Chairman Meow has nothing close to a scruple in his repertoire, but he does tell a good joke. And nobody works the buffet line at the all-you-can-eat better than he.

I regret my special forces team cannot make it to the interception point in time to partake in the festivities. The idea of Chairman Meow, a hydraulic ram (hoist) and air tools in the privacy of a truck service bay is most alluring.

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A poem for Meow:

Meow...what made you go away?
Was it the awful things we say?


It would be longer if I had more time.
Please feel free to add to it,comrades.

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Yes, and I have engaged the services of Rosie O'Donnell to aid in the information retrieval. I'm going to put her on a cherry picker with Kelly and let them sweat on Meow.

Which ought to sweat out of him just where the hell my incunabula are.

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I can not stand for this! No, I can not! I find I simply must denounce Commissar Theocritus yet again! As if any made Inner Circle such as I, who have been witness to the glory that is the Chairman, would fall for such a charade! Why, that alleged "conversation" with the Chairman did not even come close to depicting his unique speech nor his alleged "behavior" match the even basic shallowness of our Chairman.

Have you no shame Commissar? Have you no insight? Isn't it clear Commissar? Then let me spell it out for you....

Comrade Kennedy's time is getting short....he will need to be replaced.....by someone who can pass for a Kennedy.... Are you starting to get the picture Commissar? All I can say is Lenin save your non-soul when the Chairman returns in his full hideous sense of outpouring self-importance.

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Pupovich, you have been huffing tick powder again. If you think that even Meow, with his acne rosea, extending over 110% of his body, and even if he padded up to 350 pounds, could not be taken for Teddy Kennedy. Now I know that Meow is a great progressive in every way. I had to write a database in 4D to keep track of the things that he's stolen from me, but even the Great Meow cannot hope to equal Teddy Kennedy.

One Kennedy equals trillions of dollars of waste. Millions of stifling regulations. And dead staffers. Even though woke up in Mao's coffin with an empty bottle of Jack Black and the roofies he stole from me, still, he's not a patch on the huge ass of Teddy Kennedy.

I'm sorry, Pupovich, if Kennedy reaches room temperature the people of Massachusetts will elect him again.

It works for Bonnie Fwank, doesn't it? And he's the one responsible for the current global financial crisis.

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Marshall Pup wrote: "Why, that alleged "conversation" with the Chairman did not even come close to depicting his unique speech nor his alleged "behavior" match the even basic shallowness of our Chairman."

I must,regretfully,agree with The Marshall.
At no time in the course of said sighting and conversation w/ Meow,did he even once vomit upon,or soil,himself. With these facts in mind,it just doesn't ring true for me. Sorry,Erudite :)

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Breaking news...a string of Hummel auction on ebay has begun to appear from an undisclosed location in Louisiana. It is well known Chairman Meow loved Hummels more than life itself, at least sober life. This lead bears closer investigation.

Where are Chairman Meow's Hummels?

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Comrades, now I must relate my own harrowing tale, and also explain why I have largely been absent for the last few weeks.

It started nearly three weeks ago, when I stopped in a neighboring county to pick up a fresh shipment of weapons, including an old Italian Carcano carbine, and a 1940's Mossberg .22 rifle. My reasons behind acquiring these relics have no bearing on the rest of the tale, but it's what I was doing at the time.

While returning to Olympia collective I was overwhelmed by the most horrible odor imaginable. At first I thought I was simply downwind of The Evergreen State College, where bathing is an option, and various scented oils are required among the class and staff. Remembering that the college was still on summer break, I dispatched a squad of expendable and poorly trained thugs to investigate. One of them came back barely alive (I had him shot for actually coming back. I was hoping to be rid of them all...) reeking of cat piss. He told the story of being attacked for a wallet he had just redistributed near the mall, and the fight which followed. I had my suspicions, but kept them to myself.

Just a week ago, I was taking a trip to Seattle Collective, and was counting some OPM for the trip, as well as polishing my stainless steel revolver. (OPM AND shiny things, we can see where this is going) when a horrible reeking beast jumped me, robbed me, and tried to bury me in the sand.

As luck would have it, a clutch of Trotsky Monster Eggs were buried in the same place, and I threw one at my attacker.

"Chairman! What is the meaning of this?" I sputtered as I crawled out of the dirt and brushed myself off. "I don't care what you do with my poorly trained thugs, or Red Star's highly trained troopers and vans, but really you have not been sociable enough to allow this degree of familiarity. Keep the OPM, I can get more, but I must insist that you give my back my revolver." The chairman made some gagging sound, and I feared he was trying to hack up a furball of massive proportions. At this point limping from being jumped, I grabbed a watch off of a nearby Red Guard, and threw it near the Chairman. Distracted, he dropped what he had taken from me before and bounded off spitting up hairballs as he went. Since then I have been unable to walk much.

I don't know what is going on with the Chairman, but he seems to be a little more unhinged than normal. Also, does anyone want 50 pounds of his hairball?

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LnT, I hate to tell you but hacking and vomiting and coughing are just part and parcel of Meow. Nobody knows the trouble, from Meow, that I've seen. That's why I frisk him coming in and going out of the Rancho.

Uh, General, thanks for the news about the Hummels being auctioned from Louisiana. I know that Meow lays claim to them but you know where they came from, don't you? From the Rancho. That's where. From the Rancho. Pupovich rolls his big doggy eyes and pretend to be all sugar and spice but when it gets to OPM he's in there with sharp elbows just like Meow.

I don't know which is worse. Meow trashing the inside of my house or Pupovich trashing the outside with his talent-shitting pigeons, and infecting the inside with the nano Jimmy Carter Rabbits. With Meow there is at least one sorry bastard that I have to keep watch on.

7.62, I'd save Meow's hair ball if I were you. There's probably something valuable in it that he ate to get it past the guards at the door frisking him. I know. I'm still wanting back some of my incunabula which I can only assume he got out just that way.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Pupovich, you have been huffing tick powder again. If you think that even Meow, with his acne rosea, extending over 110% of his body, and even if he padded up to 350 pounds, could not be taken for Teddy Kennedy. Now I know that Meow is a great progressive in every way. I had to write a database in 4D to keep track of the things that he's stolen from me, but even the Great Meow cannot hope to equal Teddy Kennedy.

One Kennedy equals trillions of dollars of waste. Millions of stifling regulations. And dead staffers. Even though woke up in Mao's coffin with an empty bottle of Jack Black and the roofies he stole from me, still, he's not a patch on the huge ass of Teddy Kennedy.

I'm sorry, Pupovich, if Kennedy reaches room temperature the people of Massachusetts will elect him again.

It works for Bonnie Fwank, doesn't it? And he's the one responsible for the current global financial crisis.

For Stalin's sake, please put your tin foil helmet back on Commssar before your crimes become too much to cover up?

Do you imagine that you know better than the Kennedy himself? Again, for those wondering what the Chairman has been up to....the preperations going on in dark alleys, crack whore salons, smoke filled Hummel auction back rooms etc., this explains where the Chairman has been!l And now that you know, you must keep quiet about this.

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Poor Teddy Kennedy with a brain tumor.

I think that I'll drive up to Roswell to look for UFOs.

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I have seen some confirming reports of an unusual security convoy from Virginia on the way to Boston, unusual in the sense that it seemed to be configured as much to keep the escorted subject contained as much as keeping others from seeking contact. It has apparently left a string of upset waitresses and shop clerks, as well as trashed pharmacies and liquor stores in it's path. There were even claims of a "smug" cloud.

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Oh, don't worry about Meow. You know he's a survivor. If you just knew what he'd dodged at the Rancho you won't worry at all.

Even our Many Titted Empress is in awe of him.


 
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