WOKEY DICK: New Diversity version of literary classic

Responding to criticism that its initial diversity version of Moby Dick was merely a "fish tale in blackface", Barnes and Noble vowed to radically restructure Melville's ponderoous tome

Too begin with, the whale will no longer be a neutral symbol of unstoppable, remorseless nature. Rather, it will be recast as a sort of immense guardian whale shepherd who protects the more vulnerable members of the "oppressed cetacean community" from the "genocidal depredations of a heartless, hypocritical Christo-fascist patriarchy who would despoil the Earth itself in its hysterical racist fear of ….. The Darkness."

As such, the captain of the vessel will retain many of Ahab's characteristics, but he will be motivated more by a need to sublimate his fears of latent homosexuality necessitated by living in a patriarchal, hetero-fascist time. It was decided to go in this direction rather than make him a gay man named Gayhab. After all, you don't want a gay man as criminal

As for the "whiteness of the whale" this was deemed exclusionary of "Cetaceans of Color"; not to mention non-validating of inner city "readers of color" who were eager to delve into cryptic, unreadable 19th century maritime literature. Accordingly, a black whale character has been introduced. Among the names considered were Marcus Dick, Marlon Dick, Moses Dick, Kobe Dick and Tariq Diq. For a moment the name Malick Dick popped up; but resistance soon stiffened; causing enthusiasm to flag.

Moreover, the name Toby Dick surfaced momentarily but was immediately dropped as it triggered some traumatic memories of the show "Roots" In the end the debate swirled around the highly descriptive names Mocha Dick and Cocoa Dick. As the committee found itself deadlocked on this issue, it was decided to adopt two whales of color and call them the "Sperm Squad"

Then, so as to give female readers a sense of empowerment a third kick-ass, head-banging, "You blow, girl" female member of the Sperm Squad was proposed. Hilarity immediately ensued as names such as Corie Cooch, Sophie Snatch, Maddy Muff, Mindy Mish and Penny Poon were tossed about like so many whaleboats. Once that breech of decorum was controlled, it was pointed out that Dick was not slang for penis but a common name, at the time, for men. At which point, the more appropriate name of Moby Trish was approved

As for other characters … Both Starbuck and Stubb were tossed overboard as first and second mate and replaced by Queequeg and Dagoo, with the notion that employing these two as harpooners merely promulgated the invidious stereotype of "The Noble Savage" who were incapable of either leadership or executive decision making. Moreover, certain proclivities of Queequeq that were merely hinted at in a more homophobic era are now out in the open, as he is now proudly homosexual and engaged to marry The Narrator

In place of the brute savages as harpooners, and in a further nod to female empowerment, the harpooners are now take-charge, no-nonsense, "You throw, girl" women. In a nod to their liberated, newly-assertive sexuality, they call themselves the "The 'poon Gang" whose mission is to prove that the girls can murder whales just as effectively as the boys

As for The Narrator ... With a view to fighting runaway Islamophobia in a racist, Neo-Nazi Christian-supremacist America, the narrator is now a Muslim whose name really IS Isma'il. Of course this necessitated a new, improved change to the opening line of the novel, to wit …

"Salaam Alaykom. My mother (May Allah grant her entrance to the Garden) blessed me with the name Isma'il .. after Al Nabi Isma'il; he who was the best loved of Ibrahim."
 

Oh glib hooliganator One, Callmelennie - this whole whale tail sounds like a fluke, to 'pelipsky.


 

Oh almost forgot, Comradess, they also considered a Muslim whale and lossed around names such as ...

Ma'obi Di'iqe, Mullah Dikmar, Mo'ammar Qadhiki, Mufti Dhik, and Abdul Whale-hab ... until they finally settled on Mohammed Whali

I need help
 

 

So that leaves with this, the Great WHITE Shark....what to do what to do....?



 

Most Equal Komrads and especially Komrad Jackalopelipski,

jackalopelipsky

Oh glib hooliganator One, Callmelennie - this whole whale tail sounds like a fluke, to 'pelipsky.



I was once tossed out of asked to leave a tourist trap "gallery" in the People's Democratic Republic of Hawaii because I made a similar statement.

This particular gallery sold paintings produced by a well know muralist and sofa sized painting artist. All of the other works of art by this artist featured vast underwater scenes festooned with prodigious numbers of aquatic creatures. There was one moodily lit piece that actually showed the top of the surface of the ocean and there in the middle was a whale tail. All very dramatic.

There were some people in front of it all talking about how different it was and working themselves up to forking over thousands of dollars for this trite schlock masterpiece. I agreed with them and said in a loud voice that indeed this was not like any of the other paintings in the Gallery, it must be a fluke.

Apparently the actual artist was in the gallery at the time and overheard my pun. He was not amused. Sadly I was ejected from the gallery. I massaged my bruised ego by seeking out copious numbers of beet Mai Tai's. So it all ended well.

I hope this is still the Current Truth ™,

Red Salmon
 

Red Salmon

Most Equal Komrads and especially Komrad Jackalopelipski,

jackalopelipsky

Oh glib hooliganator One, Callmelennie - this whole whale tail sounds like a fluke, to 'pelipsky.



I was once tossed out of asked to leave a tourist trap "gallery" in the People's Democratic Republic of Hawaii because I made a similar statement.

This particular gallery sold paintings produced by a well know muralist and sofa sized painting artist. All of the other works of art by this artist featured vast underwater scenes festooned with prodigious numbers of aquatic creatures. There was one moodily lit piece that actually showed the top of the surface of the ocean and there in the middle was a whale tail. All very dramatic.

There were some people in front of it all talking about how different it was and working themselves up to forking over thousands of dollars for this trite schlock masterpiece. I agreed with them and said in a loud voice that indeed this was not like any of the other paintings in the Gallery, it must be a fluke.

Apparently the actual artist was in the gallery at the time and overheard my pun. He was not amused. Sadly I was ejected from the gallery. I massaged my bruised ego by seeking out copious numbers of beet Mai Tai's. So it all ended well.

I hope this is still the Current Truth ™,

Red Salmon
Aarrgh Matey. No need to blubber. It was, after all, a fluke and said Artiste knew it.
 

When I called Cape Anne Whale Watch to get a ticket on a whale-watching cruise, I asked them if I had to rent a harpoon from them, or could I bring my own. The lady on the other end of the line called me everything but a child of God.
 

 

Red Salmon

Most Equal Komrads and especially Komrad Jackalopelipski,

jackalopelipsky

Oh glib hooliganator One, Callmelennie - this whole whale tail sounds like a fluke, to 'pelipsky.



I was once tossed out of asked to leave a tourist trap "gallery" in the People's Democratic Republic of Hawaii because I made a similar statement.

This particular gallery sold paintings produced by a well know muralist and sofa sized painting artist. All of the other works of art by this artist featured vast underwater scenes festooned with prodigious numbers of aquatic creatures. There was one moodily lit piece that actually showed the top of the surface of the ocean and there in the middle was a whale tail. All very dramatic.

There were some people in front of it all talking about how different it was and working themselves up to forking over thousands of dollars for this trite schlock masterpiece. I agreed with them and said in a loud voice that indeed this was not like any of the other paintings in the Gallery, it must be a fluke.

Apparently the actual artist was in the gallery at the time and overheard my pun. He was not amused. Sadly I was ejected from the gallery. I massaged my bruised ego by seeking out copious numbers of beet Mai Tai's. So it all ended well.

I hope this is still the Current Truth ™,

Red Salmon

"Under" cover agent Toohey reporting in. Since the Klimate Katastrophe Kops have ended the gullible worming here in the land of Oz, it has been raining rats and dogs (in honor of Chairman Mao's new year). My work here is done.

I am moving on to land where trite schlock can sell for several digits more than warranted in the price. I have been in this glorious gallery of overpriced woke art and resisted the urge to buy motel paintings. (Good news -- they now have them in other U.S.S.A cities, so you no longer have to travel to Hawaiian archipelago to over pay for art!) While I am flying in politboro class over the south pacific, I will look for transgender free range gluten free Moby Marys swimming freer than Willy.

I shall continue my undercover duties sampling raw fish and beet based adult beverages. Wish me (and my liver) good luck comrades.
 

Ok ok ok, but what do I call Ishmael now?
 

The People's Anthony Sullivan

Ok ok ok, but what do I call Ishmael now?

Ishfemael. Y'know, equality and all that.
 

Callmelennie

Oh almost forgot, Comradess, they also considered a Muslim whale and lossed around names such as ...

Ma'obi Di'iqe, Mullah Dikmar, Mo'ammar Qadhiki, Mufti Dhik, and Abdul Whale-hab ... until they finally settled on Mohammed Whali

I need help

'pelipsky would try to help, but Great Glib Hooliganator, Lenniesky, you have totally rocked The People's Ship once again.

forelock tug,
'pelipsky


 

Call me relieved, O Comrade of all Comrades. At first I was going to do a satire of the entire Diversity series .. but then I realized I had bigger fish to fry (EOFL)*

I was concerned yeasterday by the initial lack of response. I'm so glad to see that my idea has panned out. (Cue truncheon to elbow shot)

http://instantrimshot.com/

*(EOFL -- Equal Opportunity For Laughter)
 

Apparently it was necessary, Comrades, to introduce woke female characters as the novel was not getting any traction with Post Millenial, pre-teen girls ... despite inspired efforts to make it more accessible, such as this song by Hermie Rae Melvson* entitled "Call Me, Moby"



I got ill humors in me
Swat every hat that I see
Bout time I took to the sea
And maybe hunt some whales
I found a room at an inn
Bunked with a sober heathen
He cuddled me like a twin
But hey, it wasn't gay

His tats were showin'
Crazed man, doom foretollin'
Preacher, speaks of Jonah
What the hell you doing, Queequeg?

Hey, I just signed on .... to hunt a white whale
Wont use my real name ... So call me Ishmael
It's hard to look at .... Skipper's peg leg
But here's my shipmate .... Just call him Queequeg
And, some nutty dock guy .... Tried to scare me
Says he's the devil .... Our Captain Ahab
And all the other signs .... try to scare me
Perhaps it's karma .... befall me, maybe

It took four months for the haul
It look three days for the fall
He nailed doubloon to the wall
For he who spots the whale
Refused to search for a child
Pequod's name is reviled
And now my mind is beguiled
By whiteness of the whale

Whale's skull was ramming
Captain of Rachel damning
Hell's heart, Ahab stabbing
Why the hell wont you stop this, Starbuck?

Hey, we just speared him .... And this is crazy
Just lost the Pequod .... Stove in by Moby
It's hard to look right .... at you, Ahab
Lashed to the white whale .... And deceased, maybe
Hey, I just spotted .... Adistant white sail
She seeks her orphan .... so save me, Rachel
And out of the vortex .... A thing to save me
Its Queequeg's coffin .... so ride it, maybe

And only I alone escaped to tell thee
Escaped to tell thee
Escaped to tell, tell thee
And only I alone escaped to tell thee
The drama now is done
So I can tell, tell thee

It's hard to book-write .... 'Bout ol' Ahab
But here's my novel .... Enthrall you maybe
Hey, I just penned it .... An epic fish tale
Just need three more more words …. Like "Call me Ishmael"
And all the publishers …. Tried to dissuade me
Cause there's no market …. Bankrupt you, maybe

*(Who may or may not be -- but almost certainly isn't -- a 7th generation descendant of Herman Melville)
 

Callmelennie

Call me relieved, O Comrade of all Comrades. At first I was going to do a satire of the entire Diversity series .. but then I realized I had bigger fish to fry (EOFL)*

I was concerned yeasterday by the initial lack of response. I'm so glad to see that my idea has panned out. (Cue truncheon to elbow shot)

http://instantrimshot.com/

*(EOFL -- Equal Opportunity For Laughter)
You had doubts? We here at the University of Diversity Perversity will assuage those doubts! Speaking form the Dean's office I can assure you we will emphasize only the most superficial qualities of humankind. Skin color and genitals being most important for developing and shaping young minds. Sexual preference is also heavily emphasized. To maintain our progressive program, the faculty has abolished classes in character building and critical thinking. Sign up today online!!
 

Most Equal Komrads,

I am somewhat disappointed that no one has picked THIS low hanging fruit. Really.

Sulking in the Current Truth ™,

Red Salmon
 

Apparently, Barnes and Noble is facing a backlash on Twitter for failing to adopt the Muslim whale character, with speculation that it was motivated by IslamoMobya
 

My Red Star, Glib Hooligan, Lenniesky. ...and a Divesitravesty Karaoke, too!!
One. Glib. Hooliganator.

A terrific output of equality and forelock tug to MotherPageLand Status.

'pelipsky
#BR 549
 

Red Salmon

Most Equal Komrads,

I am somewhat disappointed that no one has picked THIS low hanging fruit. Really.

Sulking in the Current Truth ™,

Red Salmon

'pelipsky thanks the sulking Salmon of Red for that ahead of our Current Truth™ low hanging fruits. Truly, the ability to ridicule nonsense into established- as well as federally legislated AND funded - Current Truth™ is just mind altering.

Twirling in the Current Truth™
'pelipsky
 

BTW Comrades, did you know that "Mocha Dick" was the name of an actual guardian of the Pacific Cetacean community who destroyed a predatory so-called "whaling" vessel named Essex in 1820. And it was this nautical hero who would be demonized in Melville's book, "Moby Dick"

He was called "Mocha Dick" due to a slight loss of his glorious pigmentation due to aging; but he was transformed into a white whale by the need to pander to the white supremacist audiences in America. So in a sense, Random House has merely reclaimed the true whale and reversed Melville's race based insult to persons of melanin enrichment throughout the world
 

This is a little known fact, Comradienne but as part of my personality reconstruction at the Karl Marx Treatment Center I was encouraged to form an anti whaling band called "Tears For Spears" This is how I can post these songs so quickly



Spout, spout .. Moby's about
This is a thing I must tell thee about
C'mon, I'm talking to thee, C'mon

Spout, spout .. Moby's about
This is a quest we can do without
Ahab, I'm talking to you, Ahab

In whaling times … You shouldn't have to lose your boat
It's gone from sight … A coffin's only thing to float
Your one track mind … It took away a working leg
Obsessed at night … You shouldn't have to THUMP your peg
We shouldn't hear your THUMP-ing peg

Spout, spout … Get us all out
This is a hunt I'm beginning to doubt
Starbucks, we're talking to you, Starbucks

He razed your thigh
And in return you stabbed from hell
So ghastly white
And I alone shall tell the tale
I hope you call me Ishmael

Spout, spout .. Moby's no trout
These are the skiffs that he's tossing about
C'mon, he's stalking the crew, c'mon

Shout, shout .. Get us all out
This is a hunt that's turned into a rout
Starbucks, we're pleading with you, Starbucks

Spout, spout .. wiping us out
This is a whale who has scored a knockout
Moby, you've knocked us askew, Moby

And when you've taken out Pequod
With Ahab intertwined
You really went and BROKE the bow!!
He really went and BROKE the bow!!

Spout, spout .. Moby's about
This is a quest we should never have vowed
(He really went and BROKE our bow!!)
Ahab, we're cursing out you, Ahab

Spout, spout .. Moby's no trout
This is the thing that I tell thee about
(He really went and BROKE the bow!)
Moby, I'm awe-struck by you, Moby
 

Did we forget the Biggus Dickus?