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Yes, I Was Gone. Yes, I Am Now Back

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Comrades,

I apologize for being absent for so long and leaving you all to think for yourselves -- it must have been hard, for all of you, to go a second without my nurturing deeds, my kind face, my plastic smile, and yes, the smell of day's old vomit splattered on my favorite black overcoat. My sincerest apologies, Comrades. My sincerest and heartfelt apologies.

Now then, just where was I to begin with? Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, my ex-wife just recently, uh, passed away due to very, very unfortunate circumstances. She… She enjoyed fishing, for sharks, and, well, slipped off the side -- accidentally! -- while fishing for sharks. Actually, she was swimming with the sharks and confused them for dolphins. Yes, swimming. Oh, and she was never on the bow of the boat, uh, her yacht, uh, our yacht which is now my yacht after she signed it over to me, along with other assets, seconds before she decided to swim with the sharks -- who she thought were dolphins -- and after she knocked over a bucket of chum into the shark-infested waters which at the time appeared to be dolphin infested waters.
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I was not on the yacht at the time but was present during the signing of the settlement which stated that in the event of her death her assets would be transferred to me instead of our daughter, Svetlana, or our son, Patrick. I immediately left the yacht via dingy after the papers were signed and before she decided to go swimming with dolphins who really turned out to be sharks which, and I cannot stress this enough, I thought were really dolphins.

I never advised her to get into the water. I never knocked over a bucket of chum into said shark infested waters. I never was on the yacht and, as I am now recalling, my lawyer was really the one who was on the yacht, near the bucket of chum, and who last spoke, saw and came close to my ex-wife. I was in the dingy… no, I was actually at home… I was actually at home in Virginia while my ex-wife, my lawyer, and her lover, Ricardo, were on the yacht -- now my yacht -- off the coast of Barbados which means the murder took place in foreign waters and I can in no way be charged with anything and I wasn't even there to begin with except to get some papers signed.

I was in Virginia the whole time. And no, I didn't know Ricardo -- who I am informed stood to inherit her assets -- decided to swim with the sharks as well, which my lawyer thought were dolphins and who advised both my ex-wife and Ricardo both not to dump a bucket of chum while in the dolphin infested waters off the coast of Barbados as opposed to Miami which I stated in an earlier police report which I clearly reject due to my intoxication and the police brutality that was used against me. Phew.

Oh, and he wasn't my lawyer per se. He was more of a friend -- an ex-friend, now -- who I hired, sort of, to handle legal work although he is not a practicing lawyer, I'm now told. He did, however, serve ten years in federal prison which could therefore warrant him some “legal” or “judicial” experience if we count incarceration as a form of substantial “legal experience” one would need to, uh, work with a contract. A contract and not a contract killing. I want to be clear about that -- a contract, a legal and legitimate contract.

I just wanted to clear the air, Comrades, and I thank you all for your time. Oh, and if anyone inquires where I have been between the dates December 22 and January 3, you tell them I was in the UK being knighted by the Queen. If they produce some sort of record indicating that I am not a knight you are to tell them that by being knighted you really meant nighted which is a Briton way of saying a sleepover…. Just tell them I was with Governor Blagojevich and Obama and that will shut them up, OK?

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Yo G!

We knew nothin was up, Dog, especially when the Florida State Troopers started calling for you about the thousands of shoes that were tying up the freeway leaving Miami.

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Yup, nothin is up, was nothin ta do wid his dead ex-ole lady. Nope nothin.

(Meow, send the agreed upon cash NOW or.....)

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Yo CtoG!

I've talked to Imelda Marcos and she said she would take those shoes, but she doesn't want to deal with no Florida Troopers. See if you can work something out with her, ('cause I'm sure there's some easy cash in it for you, bro')

Chairman,

Welcome back, stranger. Nice to see that you are no "worse for wear" from your mis-adventures with the ex-wife! LOL ......I wonder how he manages to get out of these scrapes, man....he must be made of teflon, or he's made a deal with the Devil.....no,I don't want to know

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I want those shoes. I want to throw every single last one of them at Bush. My hope is that at least one of them will hit him in the head, and maybe then the idiot will finally realize that DUH!--he's being hit with the worst insult anyone could ever receive. Sheesh!

And Che Gourmet, what do you mean the Chairman's made a deal with the Devil--do you mean to say he has dealings with Bush?

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Welcome back Chairman.

Re: December 22 and January 3

Spoke with old friend Penelope (one of the Queen's Hand-Maidens). Says she'll swear you were there for a small fee of course.

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Geez comrade, you could've just said that she was thrown overboard when the yacht was rammed by an Israeli gun boat. Every enlightened National Socialist Western Progressive would accept that explanation without question.

Extra points if you can tie Bush, Cheney, Palin and Reagan to this heinous deed.

Such a tragic story, Chairman. If only you had been there to be able to identify the "dolphin" for your ex-wife and her special friend. This entire incident could have been avoided if they had not tried to feed the "dolphin". Luckily, you weren't there or else Bu$Hitler would have been able to trick you as well.

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:I want those shoes. I want to throw every single last one of them at Bush. My hope is that at least one of them will hit him in the head, and maybe then the idiot will finally realize that DUH!--he's being hit with the worst insult anyone could ever receive. Sheesh!

And Che Gourmet, what do you mean the Chairman's made a deal with the Devil--do you mean to say he has dealings with Bush?

My Lovely Commissarka,

No, I don't believe that the Chairman, per se,was directly involved with Bushitler(Lenin forbid!), but I would check out that so-called lawyer ex-friend who was onboard. He might have been trying to frame our illustrious Chairman. He does have alot of enemies, especially in the Bushitler regime, and everyone knows that Bushitler made the deal with the Devil to further his damned illegal "legacy"! Bushitler will go down in infamy as the worst president in history! Just ask Wang and the Mime....they have the "goods" on Bushitler, Pinkie, and with our help, Bushitler will be impeached, even if it happens from his grave!

Chairman,

It has occurred to me that the US Navy has trained "dolphins" who are able to plant bombs and cause death to the enemies of Bu$Hitler. This tragedy is the result of a failed attempt by Bu$hitler to take you out!!
It's his revenge against you for all of your tireless work for Hillary's and His Excellency's campaigns.

In honor of your beloved ex-wife, will you be taking your yacht out on the anniversary of this event?? I have a couple of ex-wifes who'd love to go fishing for barracuda, shark and "dolphins".

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Chairman! How wonderful it is to see you again. I want you to know that I have been doing my very best to defend your reputation and defend you against all enemies in the highest using the best time honored socialist methods. I am so sorry to hear of the unfortunate tragedy that befell your wife when she went swimming with what everyone thought were dolphins, but with you so far far away, in another country, how could you have prevented this? But next time, you being a Kennedy and everything, wouldn't it have been easier just to give her a ride home?

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I would have missed you dearly...had i been here to notice your absence.


Welcome back,Divine Chairman. Sorry about your....umm...sharkbait
wife.

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Meow, you have the absolute worst luck with your wives...first Helen the Toaster, and now thisflooziepoor woman...speaking of Helen, didn't she fall into a sink full of water whilst happily toasting bagels???

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No Pravda, Helen was from The House of Windsor. It was English Muffins.

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No doubt the Chairman was shocked by the demise of Helen. But I heard she met her end in the front seat of Comrade Kennedy's car?


 
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