Step right up, insert a coin, and watch as Zoltar “Zohran” Mamdani dispense revolutionary wisdom.

Living in his neon-lit political fortune booth on Fifth Avenue, the Marxist fortune teller peers into his subsidized crystal ball and explains the historical inevitability of communism, the coming of the Glorious World of Next Tuesday, and sells easily digestible fortune-cookie slogans.

Put in a quarter, and you get a fortune card: “Your future is bright,” “Abolish landlords,” “Abolish America,” “Abolish history,” or “You will end up living in a commune with 17 strangers and a broken toilet.”

For a whole dollar, he will predict the coming Global Intifada, complete with free slogans printed on recycled cardboard.

Some passersby are not impressed. “It’s just carnival tricks dressed up as prophecy,” said one man on his lunch break. Another pointed out that, like the old Zoltar machine at Coney Island, Zohran needs constant electricity, flashing lights, and a circus around him to seem real. “Unplug him, and he’s just plywood and wires,” she added. Others went further, claiming that all the talk of abolishing landlords, capitalism, and history sound less like fortune-telling and more like a script fed to him by a hidden circus master who engineered the act in the first place.

But while critics sneer at the blinking lights and coin slots, supporters insist that Mamdani-Zoltar provides a much-needed voice for the marginalized. “Just because the prophecies come from a machine doesn’t mean they aren’t authentic,” said one observer. “If the circus master gave him the script, maybe that’s just lived experience in mechanical form. Who are we to deny it?”

A passing NYU student argued that the flashing bulbs and mechanical jaw give Mamdani-Zoltar a unique credibility. “Unlike human politicians, you know where he stands — right there in the booth. He doesn’t negotiate, he just spits out the truth on little paper cards. And sometimes they smell faintly of popcorn. That’s democracy.”

Interviewed at a nearby café, an NYU professor suggested that the fortune machine represents “a breakthrough in political technology — the first time Marxist theory has been successfully transmitted through hydraulics and coin slots.”

So line up today! The Mamdani-Zoltar machine is open until the revolution eats its own tokens.

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